Onward to next year!

2008 has been an incredible year. And seemed to pass so quickly! It started off with the discovery that I was pregnant, followed by a trip to Disney World, many wonderful lessons and moments. In August we welcomed our second precious lil one into this world with open arms. We've chosen to spend the year in a way that suited us. There have been so many incredible and precious moments! We've made the most of it on so many levels.

And now, in a few hours, we'll welcome in 2009. In the last month, so many wonderful things and moments.

There are things that I want to embrace this year: my husband and children, homeschooling routines, and more.

There are things I'm ready to release as well.

It's looking to be an interesting year... perhaps I'll write more later. Right now... I'm off to quietly celebrate with friends.

Happy New Year!

My Grandmother's Table

My grandmother had a beautiful, oval-shaped, walnut dinning room table. For as long as I can remember, it hosted so many family memories and holidays. When my grandmother first moved into assisted living, she had to part with many of her things. I inherited her dinning room set. The beautiful table and cabinet, and the strange chairs. It was at least 30 years old.

The cabinet now hosts a plethora of our homeschooling supplies nicely organized and labeled. I've tacked up beautiful fabric from my MIL so that instead of displaying China, it houses an even more important part of our lives. Every time I look at it, I think of my grandmother, remembering all the things she used to store in it.

For 8 years it served as our dinning room table. It supported a great many feasts, tea parties, and more. This last year it's served as my office and homeschooling central. The chairs had strange netted backings, which Pook would poke her fingers through, pulling them out from the base. Two chairs have been in the basement for months, in need of tightening and new screws. And this year, when we moved the table to make room for our Christmas tree, the legs trembled.

As hubby laid underneath, tightening the screws, putting the legs back into place, we realized it was time to let it go. With a deep sigh, I called my brother, to see if he wanted it. He, like me, had no room for it. He told me that if I could find no one to take it, that instead of trashing it, I could bring it to his place, and we'd use it for a bonfire - a cremation of sorts.

We managed to find friends who will be taking the table. These friends are dear to my heart, and as they've no children to poke fingers through the chair backing, and the hubby is a Mr. FixIt, I think it shall be rather lovely in their new place. And I am so very grateful that it will have a good home for a while longer.

My grandmother died this past spring. Today, as I watched hubby and my FIL take it apart for storage in the basement until our friends pick it up, I was fondly reminded of all the years we sat and celebrated at that table. My heart ached as I felt the table's top, and watched them remove the leaf and the legs.

Now, I sit at a "new" table. It's stronger and sturdier. It's smaller and square. It belonged to my ILs. My MIL made cushions for the seats. The backs of the chairs are just right for learning against, offering wonderful support.

Right now, it's white with light wood. It's already changed the feel of the room. There's a new energy about. Pook wants to paint it black, and maybe we will.

On Thursday, this table will host a Christmas feast. New memories will be created. I've taken quite a liking to it. It feels very right, and will be the cause of revamping the dinning room to be more focused on homeschooling.

I'm hoping that it will be a part of our family for quite a while.

Challenge for the new year

I'm thinking of getting on board for the new year:

http://thepowerofless.com/2008/12/the-power-of-less-new-years-challenge/

What say you? Anyone else?

How to Take Care of You

Make a list of what fills your soul. Keep it somewhere where you can look at it on a regular basis. Then, implement it into your day/week/month/etc. Jennifer Louden wrote a great book called The Woman’s Comfort Book which has a lot of exercises and activities for taking care of one’s self. I remember reading an article a long time ago, I think on her old website about keeping your tank full. I’d totally cite it, if I had the information.

Anyway, it asked you to figure out what you personally need to fill your tank (food, sleep, etc.), the oil changes (massage, spa day, lunch with a friend or friends, pedicure, hair cut, etc.), and the major maintenance (a long vacation, a weekend retreat, etc.). Knowing these things is wonderful to keep you focused and feeling fulfilled instead of overwhelmed. Your list may change over time, so it’s good to have “check-in” days every once in a while (preferably while soaking in a tub of hot water amongst lots of bubbles, or when enjoying vanilla tea with crumpets).

When you know what makes your heart sing, what fills you with intense joy, and what brings you peace and helps you feel relaxed, it makes a huge difference as to how you live your life, and what is truly important. It’s easier to say no to things and keep focused.

Perspective, Pause, and Awareness

As you may or may not know, we live a full life. I don't like the word busy - it's a little too negative for me, and doesn't embody the richness of the word full. My days are filled with feedings, fixing meals, home schooling, working from home, playtime (with kids and hubby), and sleep. On the occasional day we need to go out for activities, play dates and classes. There is a lot going on, and by the end of the day I’m one tuckered mama.

I love it though. There have been times when I’ve been totally overwhelmed and stressed out. I’ve hit the chocolate and any other sugary concoction within reach. There have been days that whizzed by, leaving me wondering what happened, and wondering how my children have grown so fast. And then, every so often, I’m blessed with those days that leave me feeling loved and full, regardless of how the house looks and how things didn’t go according to plan.

This year, the importance of being aware of my perspective became crystal clear. I started to pay attention to how we were spending our time. I’m still working on this, and I’m much more aware of what I need, and what my family needs. And then I noticed, that by simply being aware of my thoughts and how I perceived things, made all the difference.

When I feed the baby, I remind myself that I am nurturing and loving her. I take in her scent, what she looks like, how she feels in my arms. I am focused on her. When I homeschool, I remind myself that I am nurturing my child’s mind and heart. I focus on her, give lots of snuggles and hugs, and take her in. When I am cooking dinner, I remind myself that I am nurturing and loving my family. When I am cleaning up the dishes, I remind myself that I am nurturing my home. When I am working, I remind myself that I could be making a difference in my student’s life, and that through working I am blessing my family with my income.

Life really is what you make of it. Choose to see the world through rose-colored glasses, and you'll be a lot happier in the long run (in my humble opinion that is). Take the time to notice things - precious baby toes, a child's soft skin, the feel of a strong hug, the tender life of a snowflade - and you'll find that things slow down. Be aware, and be amazed.

Handling the Holidays

This holiday we did several things:

* Decided what our goals were and what we wanted from this holiday season.

* Said No. A lot.

* Decided what traditions we liked, didn’t, and wanted to start. (Did this with activities as well.)

* Simplified gift giving to the extreme.

* Scheduled special things for the family and just for me

* Most importantly – agreed to not freak out if everything didn’t get done on the list.

What type of holiday do you want?

Last year’s holiday was so totally chaotic and stressful for me. Add to that discovering I was pregnant and we were sick most of the time… well, it was not the holiday we wanted it to be. So, this year we decided we wanted a holiday filled with joy, family time, PEACE, gratitude, relaxation, and wonder. Keeping these words in my head helped me to focus on what it was all about for us.

Saying No.

This has always been hard for me, but this year, it got easier, and will be easier now that I’ve felt the benefits. We said no to travel, no to cookie baking (oh the horror, I know – but this year it made a world of difference!), no to certain gifts (more on this later), no to Christmas lights, no to spending time with people we didn’t want to, no to a variety of things… and guess what? It gave us time to say yes to things we really wanted to do.

Now, next year, I may want to bake cookies. This year, we didn’t get around to it. Next year, I may want to travel. I have given myself permission to change my mind. And that’s just fine.

Oh, and my favorite phrases for which to say no are:

* I have plans.

* If you need an answer right now, I have to say no.

* That’s not possible.

I’ve found that if you offer excuses or reasons someone is guaranteed to counter argue you, and it’s not worth it.

Traditions and lists

I didn’t realize until this year that traveling was totally stressful for me. Trying to see a ton of people in a short amount of time, missing out on those individual connections, and dealing with hurt feelings of people we didn’t get together with is not enjoyable for me. It was nice to not have to deal with any of that.

I also discovered we’d started several traditions – Christmas-tide activities, decorating a gingerbread house, dinner with friends, watching Christmas movies, dancing and singing to Christmas songs with the kids, made pinecone birdfeeders, etc. All of these things filled me to the brim with joy.

I was also very aware not to over schedule things. We determined how many activities, and when we did them, and what was best for us. Instead of exhausting ourselves with 3 and 4 activities a weekend, we choose to do 1 or 2 instead.

And, I’ve made a list, checked it twice, included what activities we didn’t want to do, and those that were nice. It’s made it easier to say no and plan things.

Gift Giving

We keep this extremely simple. (Some people feel it’s too simple, and that’s cool as you need to find what works best for you.) About 15 years ago, I was giving gifts to 60 or more people a year – to far removed acquaintances and out of guilt. Then, I got married and hubby was more than a little freaked out by the bills from our first Christmas.

So, we talked it over and decided that we were only giving gifts to our immediate family: our kids, our parents, our nephew, each other, and maybe a few other people depending on the situation. Everyone else gets experiences. My favorite is the dinner hubby makes for certain friends each year, or having people up for a weekend at our “B&B”. Gifts have become so much more meaningful.

I also start the gifts in September. Grandfathers get a calendar with pics (which I update through the year). The moms get books they are interested in. My nephew got a magazine subscription. And – we ordered most of the things online to save going to the stores. As we are big into keeping clutter out of our house, we really try to give gifts that can be used or that we know for certain will be enjoyed.

Scheduling

This year we did a lot of family activities together, and I also did a few things for me. I made sure I had time to paint. I went out with a friend for cocoa. I found time to read, journal, blog, exercise and do yoga. All of these things made a huge difference, “filling my tank” so that I could remain calm and peaceful through out the season. And jolly. Doing these things for me helped me to be very jolly indeed.

Most Important

Agreeing to not freak out if things didn’t get done, gave me permission to let things be and not worry if things didn’t happen according to plan. And if I did freak out, I could do it for a little bit, and then let it go. Out of everything, it made the most difference.

Dreaming of something drastic (sort of)

This morning, I sit here toying with the idea of deleting a ton of blogs on my reader that have been gathering. The past few months, I've been going through blogs, and have managed to let go of a few, gain a few more, and let go of a few more.

This morning though, I wondered what it might be like if I deleted most of them... without even reading them. Or if I deleted most of the websites I've been referring to, or I catch myself checking each day.

Hmmm...

An Internal Shift

My mind has been filled with all sorts of thoughts lately. Instead of spreading them about, getting external input, I've been letting them baste and stew about in my head, swirling around until things become clear, and even if they don't. In return, I'm becoming aware of an amazing clarity involving myself, the way I live my life, and so many other things.

Within the last four days, I feel as though I've rediscovered a part of me that I'd thought I'd reasoned and rationalized out. And yet, somehow, it has managed to "sneak" back in, then again, maybe it never really left?

Amidst these last few full days, I've connected to something within. I feel as though I'm on the verge of something wonderful, as though my spirit has been set free again. I'm not sure where this is all going, though I am enjoying the journey.

Thinking...

I am thinking of creating a blog about our personal journey with homeschooling.

Would anyone be interested in checking it out?

I've started it... just trying to decide if I should open it to the public. ;)

Thankful

Today I am thankful for so very many things...

soft moments of a 3 month old's chatter... sunlight spilling in a window and onto the floor... snowfalls scattered throughout the week, leaving the ground white and decking the trees in winter's wonder... moments with dear friends... peaceful bliss... cuddles and snuggles from my daughters... moments caught on film... moments of preciousness... hot cocoa... hot tea... the crunch of snowy foot prints... SouleMama's newest arrival... flannel sheets... a momma's hug... the smell of a babe... the soft skin of a child's cheek... flannel PJs... Winter's sky... rose scented hand lotion... friend's returning to good health... expectant mothers... a baby's laugh... feel of warm blankets... scent of pumpkin pie... spending the holiday with my mom... the gift of giving someone what they really want... making someone's holiday... my sweet nephew... my dear brother... my father... an amazing husband... reconnecting with old friends... Autumn's grace... being able to pay the bills... a crisp new book of poetry... the warmth of my husband's arms... writing letters... painting... being creative... fairies... a cozy home... the choice to live my life simply... the decadence of winter's quiet... the peacefulness of hibernation and the focus on family... being able to homeschool... windows... sunlight... changing leaves... life... my life... new life... togetherness... bliss

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

A letter of welcome, and reflection on life

This was a letter that I've decided to post. It was written to welcome my littlest one to this world. I've tweaked it a bit, for blogging purposes. It is here as a reminder to me about this year, and life in general. If, by some chance, you wish to share it with others, you can link them here, or just ask me.

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I sit here at 6 a.m. – the muse stirring within me, begging me to write a few words. And so I sit here, pen to paper, for when the muse wishes to inspire – I find it’s best to listen.

It has been a wild year for some of us; filled with surprises and the unexpected. At first glance, these events might seem overwhelming and easily labeled as “good” or “bad”. They are neither. They are life.

And life happens. Things happen. And we can choose to run and hide; we can choose to deny; or we can choose to embrace with acceptance. We can choose to love. We can choose to let go.

Most people I know, struggle to reach that sacred plateau that society has somehow promised us. It’s that place of security where everything goes as we’d like; we are always happy; and things, of course, are wonderful. If we find this plateau, we are then “safe”. Is this realistic, or an unrealistic expectation? I believe that there is more, much more, to it.

Life is constantly changing. We are constantly growing. There is no stop button, and the pause button doesn’t work for long. There is no plateau of safety promised to us by if/when this happens… then this…

If you want to be happy, choose it. If you want bliss, choose it. The only constant and “secure” things in life are change and love. You don’t stop change. You don’t stop love or someone from loving you either.

Over the last few months, there have been two mantras in my life:

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I CAN HANDLE IT.

This too shall pass. Those sweet, bliss-filled moments we don’t want to end – the time with good friends, that vacation, those first few moments after a baby is born, a wedding day, a really excellent piece of chocolate. These moments only last for so long – then they end. Of course, this also means those uncomfortable moments of the unexpected, the discomfort, the stages of life in general will pass too.

We grow. We change. And so do others. This is the constant. And we can handle it.

This last year, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to take a good look at my life. I’ve been blessed with the unexpected and having things not go the way I would have preferred. The end result has been POSSIBILITIES, LOVE (from my opened heart and the out pouring from others), and a fresh view on life.

So I guess what I’m saying is that amidst the frustrations are moments of peace and bliss. Grab hold, accept, go with the flow to see where it leads. Be willing to let go. Embrace Love. Welcome love, embrace acceptance, pay attention and fully immerse yourself in those bitter and sweet moments. Keep the memory, and release your grasp. It’s okay to let go and make space for more precious moments.

Perhaps, by focusing on the moments of peace and bliss, those frustrations won’t seem so frustrating. Maybe, you’ll even see that it’s not what happens; it’s how you react to what happens that makes the difference between a “good” and “bad” experience. Everyone sees things through his or her own eyes. Perspectives might be similar, not the same.

And so I say…

Live your life.

Dance to its rhythm – there will be songs you enjoy, songs you may not like – slow songs, fast songs. Songs you feel good listening too. Songs you may not be fond of. Some are short and others too long. Dance with your self; grab a partner.

When you welcome life – you welcome it all. And if it gets too much, there is a place of safety and refuge: a place to pause and BE.

Take a deep breath.

Close your eyes.

Let your consciousness sink with you.

Feel the quiet.

Feel the peace.

It’s always there.

It’s for you.

Sweet daughter – today we embrace you and welcome you. You have brought forth such unexpected, amazing, and wonderful gifts to our lives.

Welcome to life little one. May you always dance to life’s rhythm. May you live fully in the moment – embracing, enjoying, and remembering – “this too shall pass” and that there will always be moments that you CAN handle. May you and your sister remember this. May you know and BE love.

My sweet darlings – live your life. Welcome it as we have welcomed you. Know you are loved by those here and those who are not present today.

Be yourself. Discover what you enjoy and what inspires you. As you discover yourselves, remember to respect others as they too, are discovering. (We are all discovering.) Remember that life is not constant – nor are you.

Sometimes, you’ll need faith and hope.

Other times, you’ll know what to do.

Things will change.

You will always be loved.

There is peace within you.

This reminds me of a blessing from the movie Under the Lighthouse Dancing, and so I say to you:

Deep peace of the running wave to you.

Deep peace of the flowing air to you.

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.

Deep peace of the shining start to you.

Deep peace of the sun of peace to you.

Amidst the change and growth – there is peace and love. Just breathe and be aware.

I love you both.

Love Always, Mommy

Finding my groove again...

I sit here enjoying the chill of autumn while "talking" to my littlest one, Pookii, who is cooing up a storm, and helping my eldest, Pook, find blank paper to draw on.

This month has been filled to the brim and beyond with awesome friends and family. We've been stepping out with our two gals, and more active in the past few weeks, then we've been, possibly in the last year. Instead of feeling overwhelmed with a now 8-week-old, lack of sleep, and all the running around, I feel invigorated and challenged.

This past week, I even ventured out to the park with the kiddos on my own. I wasn't quite ready for the library afterwards though - we'll try that next week.

It's becoming quite obvious to me though, that I'm finding my groove again. I'm dancing to multiple rhythms, seeking a pace that suits me, and enjoying the groove. I'm rediscovering myself, being forced to determine priorities, and enjoying it.

Some things are changing, others are being giving a new glance. It's rather exciting, and I'm definitely enjoying these moments.

Images of Autumn

Not too much to say today. Just enjoying the oddly warm weather and sunshine. Perfect for outdoor picnics or sketching the changes of the season.

Listening to the bird calls in the wee hours of the morning and during the day.

Watching the changes around us.

I love Autumn.

The reds and golds....

The leafy piles for crunching and playing in...

Hurray!

Precious moments...

Sometimes life throws curves balls, and other times, it deals up blissful dishes. And then, there are those times when life deals the unexpected, and you can choose to make it a blissful dish, or, at least have a good laugh.

My mother was up here for the last week, and this weekend we are having my favorite Twins visit us from Canada. (And yes K, I know you make 3 instead of 2, we just lump y'all together now! ;) )

In the past week, I've done things I hadn't done in years - went to a kid's day at the farm with a "pumpkin patch", corn maze, petting zoo - lots of fun stuff. My mom got to come along and enjoy the fun, as Pook commandeered her for the afternoon. I dug in the earth, planted plants, helped to set up a garden for next year. We had a picnic in the backyard on a blanket (we've not done that since we've moved here - 8 years ago!)

We were supposed to go to a fall party with the homeschool group, and due to weather and Pook not wanting to leave her little sister behind, ended up having our own Autumnal Celebration with hot cocoa and snacks. We spent a lovely gray afternoon painting. Pook painted her pumpkin that was for the party. Mom painted a picture of a pumpkin for Pook. PookII (pronounced Pookie, and short for Pook the sequel) slept. And I watercolored a set of sunflower cards for myself to write sunny thoughts upon and then mail.

Oh how I've missed painting! I even helped my mom to see that painting with watercolors was fun. She had a blast. A wonderful way to end her visit.

Lately, I have noticed that I've stopped putting things on hold. I've been making plans, pushing beyond my self-imposed, fear-based boundaries, and having FUN!

I am choosing to shift my perspective to a more sunny place, and embracing the unexpected with open arms. A simple phone call has lead to 3 fun invites. This weekend is full of good friends and activities.

I feel as though I'm rediscovering life, my life, in a sense. I'm moving (as in activity, not housing). I'm enjoying. I'm making the most of things, and dragging the family along with me. ;)

Today, the possibilities are endless... and it's wonderful.

A good look

There's something about a new babe that gets you to take a good look at your life. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. This new lil one has truly been a gift, as well as a spotlight on my life and how I make my way through the days. Lately, my view has expanded into a wider view of how I've lived my life, and I'm not sure that I like what I have been seeing.

One thing that has stood out, was that I love to understand the whys and hows of things and people. I like to figure out why people do things, why I do things, etc., and what would benefit me even more would changing things as opposed to figure them out. If that makes sense.

Perhaps, it's the sleep deprivation or some other reason that's not really relevant. I'm now seeing I have a choice. Make changes, or accept things as they are. And I'm seeing that change is not something I'm particularly fond of. When it happens, there's a part of me that strives to hold on to what was before in some way, a part of me that doesn't want to let go. Although, there have been changes that I've jumped into, relishing the change they brought, hoping the change would reflect on every part.

In any case, I'm thinking I might do something radical. I don't know what exactly. I suppose I'm still figuring it out. I am aware that change would be beneficial. Now, there's finding the motivation to make it.

My life is no longer mine, but then, was it ever?

My sweet Dove (aka Pook II the sequel), is now three weeks old. (We call her Dove as she "coos" in her sleep.) It feels as though it has been much longer. Time is short with the breastfeeding, working on proper latching, pumping, and feedings. Pook wants to play and needs to eat too. The computer is no longer a priority, but something I might spend a brief 5 minutes on here or there providing I get a moment from Dove and Pook doesn't need me.

And I've still got another 3 weeks before I pick up with work again.

I know it's only been 3 weeks, and that things will settle into more of a routine and rhythm as we go along. I see it in little things - like the cleaning up after meals and pumping.

I've decided that my hubby is the world's best kept secret. Not only is he awesome and great; he's been such a blessing with all of the help he's been offering. He was only able to take off 2 weeks this time, and he is immensely helpful with feedings, cleaning, and making sure Pook gets time in there too. Even if he is sacrificing his sleep in the process.

For now, parts of our life are on hold. The homeschooling routine (the set curriculum books and projects) is on hold, though we are always learning. The house is not as neat as it once was, and in regards to food, we do what we can. I've found that while pumping, I can get reading done. Maybe I'll be able to do it if the nursing continues to improve as well. We shall see.

For now, I'm going with the flow, watching things develop, and learning a lot with how I prioritize things. I've got some decisions to make in the next few months, in particular when I return to work. Maybe I'll find time to write about that later. But for now, my time on here is up as Dove is calling and Pook wants to play.

Brief Hiatus....

In celebration of the birth of our newest little addition... I'll be taking a bit of a hiatus to get some rest and to get adjusted with everything.

In the mean time... allow me to introduce you to Pook II - The Sequel.

No Baby Yet!

The wait is still on. When will Pook #2 arrive? Who knows! :) But I think she's driving Daddy crazy with the waiting.

As for me, I'm just enjoying the extra gifts. The quiet moments, the reading, the time with hubby and Pook. It's been a real blessing, though the not feeling so great and continuous bumping of the belly can be slightly frustrating.

Since day one, Pook 2 has defied expectations. Perhaps, she is waiting for a day that no one has claimed. (Days 15-20 - the bets have been placed.)

One thing is certain, this child has blessed me with more gifts than I'd ever imagined. My whole life perspective has shifted, I'm able to see the gifts in area I wasn't before, and the possibilities are endless now.

Fear. Excitement. And a little bit of nervous...

Yesterday, we discovered I'm now 60% effaced and 4 centimeters dilated. I haven't felt "right" since the midwife checked, and my contractions aren't that regular. Reality is setting in though. In a matter of time, I'm going to be a mom to "another little darling" as my eldest tells me.

I was teasing about how I was enjoying my quiet time, how there was more I wanted to get done. The projects are so clear in my head, on my list... Last night, I lie awake, my thoughts moving rapidly, yet my body needing to just rest. So much has been going on here the last few weeks - a whirlwind of activity and nesting.

The fence that I've wanted for so long is clearly moving along, as based on the evidence of the posts and supports that now line our property. Our neighbor reminded me, "When I get started, I like to get finished." And he is true to his word.

Last night, thinking about the fence excited me. I am looking forward to seeing what the back yard is going to look like, and the possibilities. What will it be like to actually walk down from the back porch into my back yard?

Then my thoughts turned to how ready are you really for that next little bundle of joy? Should I push myself today to get things done? Should I just rest?

There is this sense of nervousness in me today, mixed with fear and excitement. The reality of getting to meet this little one I've been carrying the last 9 months is so close. Part of me wants to dive into productivity mode. Part of me just doesn't feel so great. The other part of me wants to just spend the day lazing around and resting. And then, there's this other part of me, that really just wants to have a good cry...

I'm not sure what I'm going to do today. I think step-by-step is best. I hope this anxious feeling with dissipate a bit. Until then...

Life Speaks.

What does your life say to you (or about you)? Anyone tuning into my blog right about now, or looking back, might notice that I'm going through an intense nesting phase, that I declutter and purge my material possessions on a regular basis. I also home school our eldest, and plan to home school the rest. Hopefully they'll see that I love and adore my family, that we are eagerly expecting a new arrival, and that I'm just making my way as I go along.

In the years since I've started this blog, I've learned a lot about myself. When I first started it, I was discovering a lot. I remember that my description was more who I wanted to be than who I was. Now, I'd say it's more in tune with who I am.

I've a friend who reminds me that "Lives Speak." Her life speaks volumes. Sometimes I wonder if she truly realizes how unique and amazing she is. She's one of the smartest people I know, and our friendship always challenges me. (Her memory is amazing compared to mine. :) )

I never really thought about what my life was saying until she brought it up one day. And she's right, what we say and how we present ourselves are no match for how we live our lives. What we do speaks volumes - if someone pays attention.

I like to dream, to talk about what I'd like to do, and then I either do it, or it gets lost in the void until I want to play with the idea again. I'm great at talking about what I'd like to do, and letting myself picture what it would be like if I did it. And yet, I don't always do it. I once said that I tend to think out loud sometimes. Which can be frustrating as I verbally figure things out, then decide not to do it. (I've often wondered if this drives others crazy.)

Over the years, I've gone from being interested in "every little thing" to finally focusing on things that really bring me joy. Sometimes I'll try something based on another's suggestion (I used to do this a lot), but for now, I am getting to know myself and my likes better, which makes it easier to decide if it's something I really am interested in.


So I'm not entirely certain of what my life says about me to others, and then, that doesn't matter to me so much as what my life says to me.

When I first started looking at my life, "hearing" what it was speaking, I was appalled. Now, it's growing on me. I'm accepting who I am, working on being less judgmental, and determining what really is of value to me. I'm okay with the realization that I enjoy talking the talk, even though I might not walk that way after talking about it. And knowing I do this, helps me to focus back on what I am doing with my life currently.

I'm playing with the idea of regularly connecting to what my life is speaking to me. Either with pictures or words. I'm not sure, but there is something about "listening" to life.

What does your life speak to you?

Gorgeous Monday morning and a delightful August Airing

Lately the weather here has been really lovely. We've spent the last two - three days with the windows wide open and breezes dancing through the house accompanied by bird songs and symphonies of crickets in the evening. Bliss.

It's been wonderfully freeing to enjoy the cooler weather and be serenaded by the sounds of nature. Obviously, autumn is around the corner, and yet it's still blissfully summer. Perhaps that is why I am so inspired to let go (other than that little fact that I am in full blown nesting mode).

This weekend, in my extremely productive nesting mode, we began to reorganize and go through our "stuff". (My husband is going to be happy to have a "break" after the baby comes. :) ) After my last post on simplicity, as much as I love the idea of getting rid of all our stuff and replacing things, and not obsessing about stuff, the fact is, we have stuff, and we use the stuff, and though I'm not passionately attached to the stuff, I do enjoy some of it.

I like the way I feel when I picture having only the essentials, and I do believe that it would be more freeing. Honestly though, I'm not ready to take it that far. It's one thing if the stuff were destroyed, or if I had an easy way to sell it. Then, maybe I'd reconsider. But for now, I don't want to spend extra money or go through the trouble of replacing something that is being used - that'd be a waste. However, it doesn't mean I can't take a good look at the stuff around me, and figure out what's not being used or not working, and let it go.

So, this weekend, we started with the dinning room. In my dinning room, we have the dinning set that was my grandmother's. The table and chairs are showing their age, the display cabinet is huge and bulky, and if someone offered us a price that would enable us to get something more practical, we'd probably sell it.

After this weekend, I took something that had been annoying me, something that I wanted to replace, and made it useful. What once was a display for dishes and tea sets, is not a serene cabinet that still holds those things, but also 2 book shelves of homeschooling and art supplies, neatly tucked behind gorgeous fabric panels.

The end result was not only a more serene dinning room (serene is good with a pregnant momma), but spilled over into part of the kitchen, living room, and bed room. Another Good Will pile has been started, and this time, it was much, much easier to let things go. There are still things that will end up on our ambivalence pile as well, but if we have a doubt, it goes there for now.

Thus, we may not be down to the bare essentials, I'm not sure if we ever will, unless moving across county or to another country, or some other event where we would absolutely need or have to, we may not. And that is okay. The thing is, it gave me a great perspective on what is possible, and what is present. And the end result is a divinely spacious, better functions, and much more organized dinning room with less stress over having to look at all the stuff.

Identifying the Essentials

Okay, so, while exploring Zen Habits, I came across this link about The First Rule of Simplifying: Identify the Essentials.

In the article, the author poses several questions that got me thinking. And, *gulp* I'm daring to put a few of my answers out here into the void of the internet and take some accountability for them. So, here we go.

1) What is most important to me?
My family. I love my hubby, Pook, and the baby on the way. My health (so that I can care for my family). I love exercising and yoga. I love writing and to journal (online and on paper). I love to read (from books to blogs baby!). I love to sit outside and feel the breeze and listen to the sounds. I love to learn about things I enjoy (simplifying, Buddhism, Taoism, frugality and finance, etc.). I love to create when the mood strikes me - watercolors, sewing, among other things. Spending quality time with friends and people who feed my soul.

2) What are things that are going on in my life and how are they related to what is important to me? (This answer could take a while, and I'm not sure if I want to share it just yet... so, I'm reserving the right to return at a later date to evaluate.) I will tell you, that staying healthy and getting exercise so that I have the energy to be a good mom is up there, along with homeschooling Pook (whom is important to me, as her education), taking time for me (keeps me sane and able to nurture the family), enjoying the moments until Baby's arrival, enjoying moments with hubby, reading a good book or two or three, blogging, bill paying, filing, letter writing, getting groceries (we DO need to eat), homemaking and keeping, time with friends, and I'm sure there is more out there... :)

3) Possessions - Do you really love them? No! That was my first answer. Just popped right into my head. Although, there are a few pictures we have up that I really enjoy looking at. But seriously, I'm not attached to any of it.

Are they truly essential? Looking around, many of my possessions hold things (bookshelves, cabinets, etc.). I've a few sentimental things, but I like to look at them, and rarely use them. So, I don't know if they really are. Although, not having a computer would make it really hard for me to work. ;)

And the biggie - if my house burned down, which things would I want to replace? If my house burned down, these are the things I think I'd replace. They are in no particular order. Some are "necessities" and others are little things that really brighten my day.

- Clothing and shoes
- Beds to sleep in - King, kid's, and maybe a queen for guests (or those nights when the king would be too crowded) - pillows and really nice sheet sets - 2 for each
- Crib
- Table to eat meals and do projects at - seating for 6-8
- Laptop computer
- Comfy Sofa to sit in, and 2 comfy chairs to read in
- Books to read in the comfy sofa and chairs
- Washer and Dryer
- Homeschool materials and supplies
- CD player/alarm clock
- Outdoor swing and bistro table for backyard
- TV and DVD player (per Hubby's request - I'm either or on this)
- Hub's computer
- Freezer (maybe)
- File Cabinet (maybe)
- Desk or table to sit computer on (I suppose...)
- Sewing machine and kit
- Exercise DVDs and weights
- Tea pot and tea cups, plates, bowls, glasses, utensils, pots and pans
- Art supplies - pads, brushes, pencils
- Shelves for pantry if not enough room in kitchen
- Cloth napkins
- Bath towels, wash cloths, hand towels, kitchen towels and cloths

I think that what really took me by surprise, is that thinking about not having to clean, organize, or deal with my stuff was extremely freeing for me. It got me thinking about what my life would be like if we didn't have all these things in it. So many things I've been holding onto with the reasoning that some day I might use this or not being able to get rid of something because of the emotional attachment.

In an email to a friend this morning, I wrote, "Then I started to think about things like, what would our lives be like if we didn't have all this stuff in them? Cleaning would be a breeze! (I'm having trouble wanting to clean this week with the leggo invasion in my living room. It's a mess!) If I didn't have all the seasonal decorations, I'd probably just use things from nature. Maybe I'd actually STOP obsessing about all the stuff!"

And I DO obsess about our stuff. Just check the archives and look at my obsession with decluttering.

In any case, I'm looking at our stuff in a new light. That new dinning room set I thought I wanted? I'm not so sure anymore. The dinning room would make a cool library/homeschooling room if we got rid of the current dinning set... And do we really use all these books? Do we really need all this furniture? Hmmm...

My newest inspiration

And, as the baby's not here yet... you can guess it isn't the baby.

Blame it on the nesting instinct, blame it on my past track record or what have you, but the sheer fact is, that simplifying has been an important part of my life for many, many years. Recently, I've been having that desire to toss and purge (mind you, I just got finished one of these sprees before baby, and here it comes again) my material possessions again. But it's not just about the material possessions, it's about mental things, daily/weekly/monthly activities - the base question - what is really important to me? What do I really enjoy? Why do I feel so overwhelmed with all of our stuff?

Perhaps, it's due to this site: Zen Habits that has been inspirational to me for quite a while. If you have not checked out this site, you might want to. Of course, what might really be behind my inspiration to re-evaluate and simplify my life further (aside from the new baby arrival which will make things interesting I'm sure), would be the discovery of this:

Everything You Wanted to Know About Simplifying Your Life, and Way More

And, yes L, I should really be using the timer when checking these out. :)

I'm thinking about blogging my experiences and thoughts on simplifying my life based on some of the questions and articles from Zen Habits and a few other sites. Of course, with Baby's arrival, I'm making no promises, but it is something that's been interesting me.

Over the past few weeks I've found myself asking questions like - Do I really need this? What would my life be like without this? Why in the world am I holding onto these things? Could we get rid of that piece of furniture - and not replace it? What would my life be like if I lived and did those things I absolutely enjoyed and loved? What would the basics of my life be? What would my life be like if I lived with the bare minimums?

Hmmm.... what will my answers to these questions be?

This too shall pass

This has been my latest mantra. I've used it before, and lately, it's been really keeping me on track in many aspects.

I find myself saying it when the baby within me stretches into tender sections of my side or rib cage, or when I see a bump in my belly that is most definitely a knee. When I rub my belly and feel movement within, or think about how my belly will be gone once this baby joins us on the outside.

When I start to think about labor, I remind myself that "This too shall pass". I won't be in pain forever, and at the end, I'll get a sweet little gift to hold and cuddle.

I'm sure that it will be at the forefront of my thoughts on those nights I'm getting up to feed, changing diapers, and caring for the new little one.

And too, when I'm counting little fingers and toes, taking in that baby smell, I will be reminded that "this too shall pass". Especially when I look at my sweet 5-year-old.

Yesterday, when I went for my check up, we discovered that I am 50% effaced and 1-2 centimeters dilated. Oh yes, reality of how close I am to holding a new little one is hitting hard. I am treasuring each moment, taking it all in, basking in the belly, the free time, the quiet mornings... because I am all to aware, that "this too shall pass".

August already?

Where has the time gone?

According to the little electronic record keeper that is programmed with my due date of September 3, 2009, I've got 31 days until the due date.

Although between last night and today, I'm convinced this little one is ready to make an appearance at any time. Between the back pain, the moving little being within, and the braxton hicks contractions... I am feeling it.

And I'm giddy. I'm excited to greet this new life within me, and at the same time, doing my best not to remember too much about the pain from my first birth. I'm on my way to being a momma twice, and with each day, each moment, it becomes more real.

Seeing the little bumps as the feet move across my belly. Feeling the discomfort as the little one stretches, pushing the head deeper into my cervix, and those little feet along my rib cage.

I've found myself wondering what the baby will look like, what my body is going to look like after this one, what my life is going to be like... And I don't know. There's something to that not knowing I think. :)

In about 30 days (or more or less) - my life is going to change. Our lives are going to change. Wow.

One other thing - The Little Travelers

I came across these today for kids:
http://thelittletravelers.com/dvd.htm

Too cool. Also, quite pricey for the time limits of each. But, Pook seems to want them and is interested in them.

Synchronicity? :)

So, the other day I post about my addictions and working to deal or overcome with them. (I can report on the computer front that I've managed to delete several blogs from my list and websites that I was checking daily. As for the chocolate front... well... )

So then, Age posts a link to here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/04/business/04unbox.html

which mentions practicing a Japanese technique called kaizen.

Then, this evening I came across this post:
http://zenhabits.net/2008/07/how-to-establish-new-habits-the-no-sweat-way/

which links to the first article.

Pretty cool, eh?

I wonder how I could apply kaizen to my computer addiction and my general fear to do those things I seem to be drawn too. Hmmm...

Oops... maybe I need to be getting back to setting that timer. I can at least say my time on here today was less than yesterday's. Of course, we were out at the farm all day...

Logging off for the evening...

A fly on my wall...

Each morning I log on, my homepage comes up with The Daily Motivator. Some days, I briefly skim it, and then there are days like today when I read a post that hits so close to home, I swear Ralph has been listening in to conversations around my house, or, even better, my brain waves. Like today's post on conquering doubt for instance.

Recently I've been made more aware of my knack of avoiding things. I could also tell you about my discovery (and heretofore admissions - gulp!) of my addictions to such things as the computer, various blogs, chocolate, as well as a few other things that I could probably do without, yet have a really hard time letting go of. In any case, in avoiding dealing with these addictions, as well as other life challenges, I'm realizing it's not left me feeling very good about myself.

Last night, while having a discussion with my beloved, I'd mentioned a few things I admired and even envied about others. He asked me, "So if you admire or envy these things so much, why aren't you doing them?"

I feel the tightness in my chest and tried to hide in my pillow as I softly responded, "I don't know."

"Well, there's obviously a reason, as you say you want to do them, but you aren't doing them."

I hated that I'd had similar conversations before with a friend of mine. I hated admitting that he was right, and I didn't want to look closer, to see the weakness that was obviously the root of the issue. It was easier to think I couldn't do something, to come up with reasons why I couldn't do something, than to admit it was me.

As my mind wandered, I realized that I'm really good at coming up with excuses for not doing something. I heard the familiar reel start in my head, "It's because you're lazy... you're not good enough... "

And then my beloved pointed out my addictions, and the part in which they played. In particular to this little machine I sit typing on. As my stomach fell, I realized that he was right. "So why is it so hard? Why can't I just stop?"

"Why can't you?" he asked, then replied, "Because it's far too easy to keep an addiction. The addiction is part of your comfort zone." It then hit me, I do not like to step out of my comfort zone, especially when it's feeling particularly cozy. *Sigh*.

And then, when I logged on and read Ralph's post today, something hit home:

"If you wait until conditions are perfect, all you'll ever do is wait. Great accomplishments are given birth by starting from where you are with what you have."

That's one of my main reasons for not doing things. (Perhaps I'm addicted to being a perfectionist?).

So maybe what I need to do, is take Ralph's words today to heart, "Stop wondering and start doing. Once you've done it you'll always know, without the slightest doubt, that you can."

First step, is to step away from this computer, and set a timer when I check in for work later.

If I had commandments for happiness...

Over at the blog The Happiness Project, there's a nifty article with Six tips for designing your happiness commandments. The blog consists of the memoirs of Gretchen Rubin, and her year trying out a variety of happiness principles. It's pretty interesting.

So her post got me thinking about my own commandments for happiness, which I don't have and aren't set in stone, but found interesting to ponder.

Here's what I've come up with so far, in no particular order:

1 Breathe.
2 Enjoy it now; who knows when later will be?
3 Make the most of the moment. "Be in awe."- The last one is from the site.
4 Let it go.
5 Be aware of expectations; expect nothing, and possibilities are open.
6 After acceptance, comes freedom.
7 Go outside (or bring the outside in).
8 Forgive (myself and others).
9 Read more.
10 Be polite and respectful.
11 Smile often.
12 You don't "have to" and you can say "No" and leave it at that.
13 Enjoy.

What are your commandments for happiness, if you have any?

PS. I LOVE this article too, about her "spending out", or, hoarding new underwear. :)

2 months until the first due date

As of today, July 3rd, I've officially got 2 months to go until September 3rd, the due date for this little one growing in my belly.

I'm still not sure where exactly June has gone, but it's gone, and it's 3 days into July already.

Wow.

For the first time in about 7 months, I'm finally feeling really good. These last seven months have been a challenge filled with busy-hecticness, illness, and more.

But now, summer is here. Activities have slowed down. I'm making time to read and be quiet. I'm getting up early again, excited to get the things of the day done. Excited to make the most of these last couple months before our lives change with a new little bundle of joy to embrace and love.

I'm actually embracing the unknown, the not knowing if it will be a boy or a girl, or how things will be with a new baby and 5-yr-old. With Pook, we so thought we had it figured out. Not this time. This time, there are no expectations. There's a little fear, but overall, it's very freeing this not knowing.

And so, today I realize I've only got 2 months (or about that) to go. I'm making the most of my now thick and luxurious hair, my beautiful belly, my sweet pregnancy clothes (that I love I tell you, LOVE).

Once Baby is here, my body will change. My belly will be empty. My hair will start to thin out again. I'll have another little one to care for. In two months, my life is going to change.

I'm excited. I'm a little nervous.

PS> We've been getting a lot of questions about what we might need. We have a lot of the things from Pook. However, if you feel so inclined and you are in the area - meals would be SO lovely. Offers to clean the house will also be accepted (as hubby's been spoiled with me doing the cleaning for a while!) ;)

If you aren't in the area, knowing that you are thinking of us would be dandy. Pook is big on mail too. And I've been wanting a sleep sack or two like here.

Seriously though, we really don't need anything. Thoughts and good wishes are most appreciated though.

Today I am grateful.

Today, I am grateful for friends who care enough.
I am grateful for the songs of birds, even the dog barking next door.
I am grateful for wanting to get up today.
I am grateful for being gentle with myself yesterday.
I am grateful for the thoughts stirred up from a simple conversation.
I am grateful for my husband's love, and for the love I feel for him.
I am grateful for my home.
I am grateful that I got up and moved this morning.
I am grateful for the quietness before Pook awakes.
I am grateful for Pook and the Pook within.

But most of all, today, I am grateful for inspiration and motivation.

Random tidbits

It's 5 am, and here I am.

I feel as though I want to write, but I'm not sure that I do. Rather, I'm not sure what to write about. Usually, if some thing's bothering me, I can write about it, get my thoughts clear, and move on. And yet, this morning, I wonder if it's really worth it, as I've come to realize, I don't think that there's anything I can really do, as I can't change how another person feels.

Sometimes, I write letters, but even now, this morning, I wonder if it would be beneficial to do so, or if it would be a waste of my time. I mean, what would it accomplish? Would I actually send it?

I must say, that there is a part of me rather impressed at how I'm dealing this time. Usually, I fret, ponder all angles of the situation, have lots of tummy aches, and fret about how I come across and the other person will see me. But this time, that doesn't seem to matter so much.

And that, I think, it a good thing...

There was a time...

There was a time when I longed for a life of adventure. I wanted to travel and do amazingly wild things. At least, I thought I did.

Yesterday, Hubby asked if I'd wished we traveled more or did more of various things before the kids were born. "Nope," I responded. He agreed.

Sometimes I wonder if the life I once wanted was what I really wanted, or if it was the life someone else wanted for me. For instance, my mother thrives on adventure, chaos and travel. As for me? I thrive where I am, now that I'm aware of it.

These past few years, I've been getting a good look at my life and self. And I'm amazed how happy I am, where I am. There are places I'd like to visit one day, places I once felt I HAD to see, but right now? Right now, it's all about the here and the now.

Things may change and shift as the years go by, but for now, sometimes I find myself floored by the little, simple things I once ignored. Soft sheets, the touch of my child, the arms of my husband, laughter, getting up before dawn, watching Pook sleep, feeling the baby move within, focusing on the breath... these things fill me up in ways I was not aware of.

Realization

Thoughts have been most prevalent for me as of late. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing, or what exactly, but I seem to be concerned with things that haven't yet happened, and with no resolute conclusion.

At least I'm aware of it.

And, I realize, that I've wasted so much energy trying to figure things out, or thinking about how I could've/would've/should've done things differently. I'm not, I admit, very patient with myself on this.

Last night, I was reading The Places that Scare You, by Pema Chodron, and something clicked for me. Actually, things have been clicking since I picked up the book a few weeks ago. (And, uh, yes, I'm one of those people that have book marks in 3-5 books around the house at all times to pick up and peruse when I get a moment.)

Pema covers the basic philosophies of Buddhism from her sect (I say this, as after going to Taiwan, I've since learned that not all Buddhism is the same. :) ) But what really stuck with me, was her comment about how even though we know things are impermanent, we still seek that security and resolution of permanence.

This lead me to wondering why it's so hard for us to accept that things change, and to be okay with not being secure? Perhaps we long for security of some sort, because it's easier than accepting otherwise? Hmmm...

Acceptance has been such a big thing for me lately. And it really gets hard when it comes to Pook, who's been dealing with digestive issues for quite a while, and to whom I need to take back to the doctor again. With me, it's easier, but with children - I don't like seeing her hurt, and I know that I've no control over it, which is frustrating for me.

Nesting Part 3 - Living Room, Hallway and Guest Room

The nesting continues, so feel free to skip this post if you aren't into it. Last weekend we tackled the Living Room, which ended spilling over into the hallway and guest room. The Living Room (LR) is still in the works, but has started to take on a definite shape.

When discussing the room, we discovered a variety of functions and purposes. The LR is where we play, relax, read, have fun, entertain, rest, unwind, live and learn. It's an eclectic mishmosh of furniture with a variety of bookshelves, a small TV hidden away in an armoir, two old Victorian type chairs in royal blue velvet that were once my grandmother's and a sofa with a bright red sofa cover on it that was once my mom's. (Hint: Sofa covers rule when you have kids. Cleanup is SO much easier!)

So, though it's not necessarily what we've have picked if we'd decorated it ourselves, we are blessed in that most of the things were given to us by others. And, with a Pook and another on the way, I really, really, appreciate the fact that our furniture comes from others. :)

The focus of the room used to be a huge charcoal drawing of my brother when he was a toddler. Though beautiful, it didn't quite fit the feel that we were going for, so, we took it down and replaced it with a lovely sea otter and (can you guess?) more pictures of nature. Interestingly enough, there seems to be a fall theme going on in the pictures, with the changing leaves that we noticed after we'd hung them.

We even took into consideration what pictures we wanted to see and from what angles, so that the one we really enjoyed can be seen from various rooms of the house.

Since the hallway is right next to the LR, we hung the pics of Pook back up, complete with her map of the world at her eye level. It's still taking me to get used to the lack of space, but as she loves to point out various places like Madagascar, Taiwan, and Antarctica, it's definitely serving it's purpose.

As for the guest room, we were going to hang the charcoal of my brother in there, until I talked to him (my actual brother, NOT the one in the picture!) ;) and found out that he really wanted it. I was going to hold on to it until I was sure, but knowing that it's going to a new home (where I'll likely get to enjoy it anyway) makes me feel really good. Plus, I didn't realize the relief I'd feel, as now Hubby won't have to worry about hanging it (he hates hanging it!) and I don't have to find it a space on the wall.

So, the guest room hasn't really changed picture wise, save for we changed one and didn't return another. The other day, I cleaned out the closet and armoir that's in there, adding to the pile on the basement, which might just be tackled this weekend. Maybe. :)

The hall is definitely finished, complete with the purging of the hall closet and removal of old medicines, bug sprays, and suntan lotions. The pictures will hopefully be updated after the arrival of Pook 2. We shall see. :)

The guest room too, is pretty much done. The armoir's been reorganized and purged, as has the closet. And the LR is still in process, as I sift through books (I'm LOVING paperbackswap.com - which encourages me to get rid of books that others are wishing for) and decide on pictures. I may just need to leave a blank spot for a while. We shall see.

Slowly, the house is taking shape, and interestingly enough, I'm not in a rush, save to figure out which pictures to send back with family in June. (Only because I'd like them out of the house!) :) Aside from the basement, there is the dinning room, kitchen, and foyer, and the storage area of the basement which doesn't need decorating, so much as reorganization and purging.

It's been interesting watching what we now enjoy, and giving ourselves permission to put up those pictures that really touch us, and discovering just what those are.

This weekend, we'll be in the basement.

May 12... 7 years of bliss

Seven years on May 12 (yes I'm aware the post is a bit late), I married the love of my life. Seven years, one child, and one on the way later, I am even more in love with my sweet husband.

I adore this man. He is not only a gift in my life; he's a blessing. Each day, I fall more in love with him - if that is possible. He's an amazing father, and we are both so good for each other in so many ways.

Seven years ago, I walked down the aisle on a gorgeous May day on the arm of my father. It was so green and vibrant that day, with a bounty of blossoms, rays of sunshine, and at the end of the aisle was my future mate.

It hardly feels as though we've been married that long, even though I feel as though we've been together forever. He still makes my heart sing.

Thank you my love, for seven years of bliss and wonder. I look forward to being with you for many more.

AML

Happy 90th Grams...

Today would've been my grandmother's 90th birthday if she was still here in body. Now, however, she's in spirit, and no more pain.

I've caught myself thinking fondly of her today.

Today, I remember you Grams, and celebrate your life, and your legacy. Thank you.

Sweet Memories

This morning Pook asked me if we could make muffins - with pink icing. I stopped, looking at her, thinking of all the thoughts already on my mind, all the things I "had" to do, and then I said, "Yes."

"Let's get our aprons on Mommy! What do we need? Flour? Sugar?

Slowly, methodically, I tied on our aprons. I looked for various recipes, telling her the ingredients - flour, wheat flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, milk eggs. We add the dry ingredients to the white bowl, and with a wooden spoon, she mixes them, humming and smiling. I prep the pan, defrost the raspberries, and drain the juice, which will make our icing pink. We mix the wet ingredients in with the dry, prep the batter, and spoon it into the pan. There is leftover, so I take one of her tiny bread pans and fill it. In the oven it goes.

By now, she's done. I mix the cream cheese, butter, and powdered sugar, adding the raspberry juice to create a pink icing.

"Mommy, will the muffins be pink or brown after they cook?"

"Guess we'll have to wait and see," I tell her and smile.

The icing is done, and in the fridge it goes. I gather the bowls, spoons, cups and things into the sink. I use the lavender scented dish washing soap, inhaling deeply while I wash with the lathered water. I look down at the bowls. I am holding one that is white glass on the inside, orange on the outside. The orange is scraped a bit, but I smile fondly.

It is part of a set of baking bowls my grandmother used.

Carefully I wash the orange and yellow one, sitting them in the tray to dry. I finish up the other dishes and turn off the water. With a soft towel, I begin to dry the orange bowl, stopping to notice the scrapes. I sit the small blue one inside it when I'm done. Then, I work on the yellow one, which I'll place inside the olive green bowl before adding the orange and blue.

My heart is full. My mind has been heavy with thought over the last day, and now, it is resting, light with the joy that I'm baking muffins, as my grandmother did when she was alive, honoring her by using her baking bowls that need to be hand washed.

Who knew that blue, orange, yellow, and green could bring a smile to my lips and song to my heart? Maybe I need to make muffins more often.

Nesting Part 2 - The Misty Forest (aka Master Bedroom)

This weekend, we focused on the Master Bedroom. Before putting any of the pictures back onto the walls, I asked Hubby to take a few days and think about what he wanted to feel when he was in the Master Bedroom (MB). The words that came to mind for him were: tranquil, relaxing, and comfortable. We then thought about the look, feel and function of the room.

In regards to the look and feel, he feels most peaceful in a misty forest at dawn. That moment when you hear the birds singing along to other outdoor sounds, a sense of quiet, yet being alive. He wanted to wake up feeling alive and rejuvenated, yet go to bed feeling peaceful, tranquil, and safe. Fortunately, I too adore forests, so I was on board. :)

As our walls are cream on opposites sides and a khaki green on the others, matched with the bedding, this wasn't hard to pull off. We agreed the pictures needed to be of nature. And, the ocean picture I loved, would need to find another home. We have a print of a blooming tree in the middle of the forest that fit the bill. Of course, I wanted to try it in the foyer, but after our talk, it was clear the MB was the best place for it.

The function and purpose of the room were pretty obvious: sleep, relax, meditate, intimacy, getting dressed, starting and ending the day there.

I brought up a few pictures from the basement to get a feel for things. We ended up using some, and one we didn't think we would, but in a certain spot, it fit perfectly! So, it stays. One we weren't sure of, and has since been removed. But the rest, we love.

When you walk in the room, you'll think of a misty forest if you look at the pics. I adore the one corner that can be seen from the hall and the Master Bath. (The Master bath is actually a continuation of the forest theme. I only need to replace 2 pics, and go through the rest of the stuff.) The rest is still coming into place. I'm not sure of knick knacks, or what will go where just yet. Discussing what we wanted the room to feel like, has been really helpful in determining what goes where.

It's still a work in progress, but it's getting there. And hey, tonight, he gets to sleep with pictures on the wall! :)

Nesting Part 1 - Decluttering on a new level

I've mentioned a few times that I'm getting ready to purge our house of stuff. Okay, maybe more than a few times. ;) But right now, things feel different. I'm taking it to a new level.

Yes, I'm nesting. Being 22 weeks pregnant, this is a natural thing. So, this could be a big part of what is inspiring me to do this. That, and the fact that if I don't, it's going to be pretty tight around here. I also need to give credit to a dear friend of mine (you know who you are!) who has been going through a massive purge of her own, or the Great Heave-Ho as I believe she's referred to it.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, then you'll note that I get urges to declutter on a regular basis. In fact, I've noticed that I get the urge to purge particularly when I've felt that my life was out of control. It was a way to regain control over my environment.

But, I could only take it so far. There were things that I was extremely attached to and couldn't stand to part with. There were things that were given to us, so I felt guilty if I returned them. And when I decluttered, it was all or nothing. I'd take on the whole elephant, instead of baby steps. If I worked on a project, it had to be cleaned up and looking nice by the end of the day.

It exhausted me. It burned me out. Yet, I kept doing it.

And then, my life changed.

For a good chunk of time, while my friend was heave-hoing her things in carloads and going deeper and deeper each time, I had no desire to purge or do anything with the stuff. In fact, I took a month to just let things be. And then, I did something radical. Something I was never bold enough to do. I removed the pictures from the walls - and they are still off the walls weeks later. And I like the space, even the piles in the basement created from the unwalled pictures.

With the pictures gone, I began to remove various things. Again, things I thought I couldn't do without. It was now clear to me, that these were things. Just things, and things I didn't really need, and *gasp* was not enjoying as much as I thought.

Unlike before, I am in no rush to replace the wall hangings. I don't even miss the ones I thought. The more I think about them, the more I wonder what I would put up if I didn't have any pictures. There is a shift happening in my home. Things are taking on something deeper.

Originally, we'd planned to declutter with the purpose of creating more space for baby. We knew that when we started trying for Baby #2. And, most of the decluttering has been to maintain space in our home, and to keep from being overrun with Pook's toys.

I've always wanted to take it to another level. To go as far as I could, only keeping those things that I enjoyed or that brought me joy. To create more space in my home and my life. To get rid of the things that I really didn't want, but held on to - just in case, because it was good feng shui, because it was a gift, because I used to really like it (even though it's not "me" anymore), or some other reason that eludes me at the moment.

I'd dream of doing something radical, like moving to a smaller house or an RV. What would I keep? What would I be willing to move? What if I didn't have room for so much storage? And then, there was the time we were prepping to move (we decided not to), yet ended up packing things away, instead of getting rid of them.

So here I am now, blank walls, piles in the basement, and enjoying it. Actually, I am enjoying the process of discovery. I'm discovering what brings me joy. I'm discovering space. I'm discovering that I don't want to put things back as they were. I am letting the rooms speak to me for a change. I am listening to the space, and keeping space where I can. I am realizing that things I once enjoyed, I don't anymore. I am aware that space (in my home and my life) is important to me, as is joy, family, and so many other things that richly bless my life.

I am also aware that what is most important in my life at this moment, is not what is on my walls, or shelves, or floors, but what makes my house a home - my husband, my children, my friends. Thus, if I'm going to have things aside from family and friends in my house, what of these things do I really enjoy and use? What of these things could benefit others?

So this is where I am right now, with bare walls and a messy basement. I am pleased, but I also know that my hubby can only take so much. ;) So we will be going room by room through our home, actually giving thought to each room.

Today I came across some questions Peter Walsh asks of people when helping them declutter. I'll sum it up this way:

What is the vision I have for the life I want? (And hubby's too.)

What do we (hubby, Pook and I) want in our lives, homes, rooms and living spaces to look like, to feel like, and to function?

I'm going to be thinking about the purpose of each room, what words, thoughts or feelings I'd like each room to convey. And then, what things will support this.

We will not be buying new furniture (though Hubby's promised next year we get to paint - Whoo hoo!!!!) or new things. The key will be to use what we have, get rid of things we don't need (want, use or like), and find a place for the rest. I'm looking forward to it, though, I admit, in no real rush at the same time. :)

Tuesday's Thoughts

I sit here listening to the hum of the house and the songs of my bird friends. We spent the weekend rearranging Pook's room to fit a new piece of furniture, and to set it up when the crib will eventually be put in there. She now has a sweet reading nook to enjoy.

Hubby asked if we could work on one room a weekend. (I think he misses the pictures.) I could still leave them off the walls... though I did agree we'd take a room at a time. We'll go through the stuff and figure out what we want in it, and what we don't. Eventually making our way to the basement.

Having the pictures down, I realized how limited I was. I was blessed to get a ton from my sweet Grams before she died, and some from my ILs, but are they really me? A friend has a gorgeous picture of a woman smelling a rose in her home. When I first told her I liked it, she blinked and looked at me, and made the comment that she couldn't imagine me liking that, nor it fitting in my home with the current pictures hanging there.

Perhaps, I thought, she was right. That wasn't for me. But I still think about that picture, and how I'd love to walk in the front door and have it hanging in my foyer to greet me when I came home.

So many things have changed for me over the years, and especially lately. Who would've thought I now like pink, floral prints, and delicate rose patterns - and that I'd want them in my house? (Ok, those of you who've fallen off your chairs can get up again.) :) Who would've thought I'd like a picture of a woman sniffing a rose? (Which reminds me, said friend, if you are reading this, please send me the name of the picture. Thanks!)

I'm still enjoying the space of the walls, and recognizing that some of the pictures will probably not go back up. I only want to put up those that I enjoy looking at, that leave me feeling good, and that Hubby enjoys too. That's important to me.

I have to smile, because I am enjoying the space in between deciding how the rooms will look and what will hang on our walls. But then, I'm also loving all of the possibilities... Hmmm... might take more than a weekend to hang up a few pictures in a room. Who knows? The possibilities are endless.

Being radical, well, for me

After our guests left this weekend, I succumbed to my urge to purge. Hubby and I took down most of the pictures in our house (save for the really difficult ones) leaving nothing but space on the walls.

At first, I think that he thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. And, I fully expected to go crazy by Tuesday and put them all back up, but something else happened. I started to like the space.

My basement has piles of pictures in it. And, following the pictures were various knickknacks. Things, I once thought I could never part with, are finding their way to the piles. I've even given him permission to place things on the pile, just to see if I'd actually miss them.

Even the piles bring me a sense of comfort. (And, those who know me are probably wondering what alien race has invaded my being - cause Otter can't usually stand piles!) But seeing them there, I smile. Seeing the walls void of pictures makes me smile.

Space. I'm loving the space. And I remember when I used to fear it. For some reason, no wall could go untouched. Something had to be hanging there. When I was into Feng Shui, the pictures had to fit. I put things I wasn't particularly fond of up on my walls because they fit the "rules".

But now, I'm wanted more space in my life. I'm only wanting things up on my walls and in my house that I enjoy looking out. How many things have I kept because they were Feng Shui appropriate? How many things have I kept because someone gave it to me, even though it wasn't really me? How many things have I kept out of guilt?

I am done with guilt. I am done with looking at things on my walls that don't make my heart sing or fill me with a sense of joy. I am creating more space. I am embracing the space that I was once so afraid of.

We are going to be welcoming a new babe into our lives at the end of August or beginning of September. At least, that's the ETA. With the amount of moving this babe's been doing, who knows? :)

Preparing for this babe means creating more space - both in the home and in my womb. We have a comfortable house that I love, and which we aren't willing to move from. So, we make space where we can and organize things to function smoothly.

This time (and maybe it's just because I'm nesting) there seems to be a shift. A new level to purging the clutter from our home. It's going beyond the stuff. As we purge our things, we are making room for the new. We are making room in our lives as well. Weekends seem to have more space to them. Even days seem to slow down. Where there was once "no time", we are finding and creating time for tender moments and ourselves.

As the spring flowers bloom and blossom, and the bulbs burst forth from the ground, so do we on many levels. Pook is blossoming, talking to people instead of hiding. My belly blossoms (and grows with life). Hubby is finding that he does have time here and there for things.

For once, I'm not concerned with what will happen, or what will be, or how we will handle things. Fact is that we will. Right now, is the now. I bask and bloom in the present moment. Embracing the moments of bliss and joy for what they are, and letting them go when it's time.

Peace. Bliss. Moments. Life.

Early morning Thursday Thoughts.

I sit here, looking outside, watching the darkness lighten as the sun makes it's way round the earth. Soon, the sun will rise. The birds eagerly sing to welcome the sun and to bask in the glory of Spring's sweet bounty.


I love this time of the morning. It's peaceful. It's my time. My one child sleeps, and even the babe in my belly is still this morning. I don't need to think. I can just be. And yet, thoughts of gratitude find their way in.

This past weekend was spent with dear friends. Good chats. Good food. Blissful little sunlight moments.


This morning, there is no sun up yet, but it's still one of those precious moments, those blessings. This has been an interesting week for me. Filled with tender surprises and productivity.

I indulge in the bliss.