{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

- via Soulemama

Belated Reflections on June 17

June 17th is the birth day of a dear friend of mine. April 17th was the day of his death. I've see-sawed between the depths of sadness, and moments of joy. I've thought I was okay, only to burst into tears. I've spiraled down to the depths of a depression, and made my way back up to the surface.

At times I've treaded life's water until I was exhausted. I've had to make some pretty challenging decisions over the last half of the year, and there are still a few to make. And on June 17th, while mourning the absence of my friend, I discovered a rare and precious gift.

It was a day with the girls, and we spent most of it at the outlets. I knew it was going to be an interesting day when the reminder that it was R's birthday popped up on my screen, and I burst into tears.

It wasn't the first time I would shed a few. Cardinals (a bird my daughter told me would let us know that R was okay) were every where in the stores. I was late meeting up with the girls for lunch, as the sadness overwhelmed me. My appetite was not there, but I ate something to keep my blood sugar up, and we pressed on.

At dinner, I could feel it again. I was emotionally warn, and didn't want to burden the three lovely friends that were with me. When my dinner arrived, and it just wasn't very good, I closed my eyes and hoped they'd think I was just tired. But they new better.

When I returned from a bathroom break, they told me to sit down, and then, they did something amazing. They asked me what I needed. And when I told them I didn't know, they said that was okay, that they were there for me.

Eventually I confessed that I really wanted to be on the beach at night, standing in front of the waves, and honor my friend in some way. And so, we drove down the road a bit, hopped out of the car in the freezing cold, and trekked onto the sandy beach. We gathered together, sang songs, laughed, and huddled to stay warm.

And then, they asked me, what would I say to someone who was hurting as I was? What would I say to another? And I broke down. Because I have always been there for others, yet never really been there for me. And here, were 3 of my dearest friends encouraging me to nurture myself in ways that I've nurtured them. And all I could do was cry.

So there we stood, upon the shore, as I cried and they held me. And my one friend asked R to reach through her to me. (R practiced reiki.) And I know exactly the moment, because I felt the energy, and I felt my body relax as she held my hands. And it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever experienced.

Before we left, we stood watching the waves. I'd been enthralled by the waves since my arrival, and my friend C reminded me of this, and then asked me to think of what the word wave meant. And that maybe, just maybe, this was R's way of waving to me. I'd seen the cardinals. I'd shed the tears, and now, when I look at the waves, I can't help but wonder if he was waving to me.

I also wondered if R ever liked the beach. It would be a few days later when I discovered he used to work at a beach, selling umbrellas. Goosebumps, I tell you.

One thing is certain, I'll not look at them in the same way. And when I see waves, I now want to wave back. They say that salt water heals all things - via sweat, tears, and the sea. You know, I think there's something to that.

Happy Birthday my sweet Chicadee-dee-dee!

Today, you are 7, and you are so excited that you are 7. In the last year I've caught glimpses of you transitioning from child to little lady. You are both, and now and then there are sweet glimpses of each.

I can still remember the day that you were born. It was sunny and warm. We had the check up with the midwife, and I was good to go. I remember the strength of our midwife, the serene peace that she radiated, and her quiet strength and encouragement. I remember Daddy sitting behind me in the tub, supporting me as I pushed you out. I remember seeing you for the first time, holding you to my chest, and singing "Sat nam" to you, and the quietness that followed in the room.

Last night, as I stayed up late decorating the house with streamers (because I knew that you loved them), writing your card, and putting together your birthday books, I held you in my heart.

You have been such an incredible light in my life. Every day you amaze me with your stories, your thoughts, your presence, your essence. Your smile is a light in the darkness. Your hugs and your touch the greatest treasure.

My hear overflows with gratitude for you my now sweet 7YO. I adore you. I love you. I treasure you. You are such an amazing blessing in my life. Happy, happy birthday my love!

Journey to the Sea

They say the journey begins with a single step, and ours did indeed, though the key part was the crossing of a bridge. The weather was foggy, so you could only see so far. It reminded me of how we needed to stay in the present moment, and focus on what was in front of us, as opposed to where we were going or what was ahead.

I think I smiled the entire vacation. My heart was full. I was with my family. I was visiting family and meeting friends of old and new. My heart was full, bursting with joy and gratitude. I found myself enjoying everything - the car ride, the kids, the people, the views, the food - it was heaven. I made the most of each moment, treasuring with all of my senses.

Gifts can be wrapped up in packages and tied up in string, or they can be wrapped in what you least expect. Everywhere I turn I discovered something sweet (and not just the chocolate!). We spent time with some amazing people. Even hubby enjoyed himself (and that is a rare thing when it involves new people).

When visiting my mom, she sent the kids on a radish hunt. She'd picked two, then had them search for the leaves in the garden where they got to pick more. She took the time to set up a feast in her part of the house, and fed us throughout the day, until my brother came in, and fed us more.

I found that I was not only fed on the physical level. My spirit, my very soul felt nurtured and loved throughout the week. We were able to see a few friends (sorry if we didn't get to see more of you - we only had so much time!), and even though some plans fell through (thanks to work and flash floods), everything still fell into place.

I found that when I just enjoyed what happened, when I made the most of events, people, things, and feelings, there seemed to be some type of pattern or plan in place. So, we embraced it and went with it.

Eventually we made our way to the beach. The beach has always been healing for me. There is something about the waves, the ocean itself, and the sand. I always need to say hello, and to listen. I like to stand at the edge, and let the waves kiss my toes and embrace my feet. Joy filled me, traveled through me. I wanted to dance, even go into the waves and let the water baptize me with joy and contentment. You can almost let things go with the tide, to be taken away into the oceans depths, and not have to worry about them.

We wondered how Pook would react to the water and sand this time. She loved it. It was a joy to watch her play in the sand and the waves. She made a new friend, and we made new friends. There was an overflow of gratitude on so many levels. There was full, total, and complete relaxation. And laughter, oh the laughter!


We found that time was relative. We stayed up until the wee morning hours indulging in chit-chat, chocolates and pomegranate margaritas. There were rum and cokes, 10 layer cakes, mini do-nuts ;), and other delights to tease the tast buds.

The environment was laid back and loving. The people were kind, generous, interested, interesting, and overall wonderful. There is something about being able to be with people who just take you as you are. People with whom you can let down your guard and just be yourself without worry. People whom you can laugh with, and share precious moments with.


We made some incredible memories. We had an awesome time. My heart is filled with gratitude for the people, the moments, the fun, the laughter - ALL of it.

Thank you. I am basking in blessings.

Soulemama asks, "What beautiful ordinary/simple things have you found joy in today?"

I love, LOVE this blog. Soulemama little bits of peaceful bliss and craftiness is inspiring and soothing to my soul. And when she asked via this post today:

What beautiful ordinary/simple things have you found joy in today?

How could I not answer?

Just today, I am finding joy in the rumpled hair of my now 6-yr-old. There is peace when she puts her cheek against mine, and just leaves it there. The way my 8-month-old is curled on her side, peacefully sleeping in dream land. The "hugs" I get from the baby when she holds on to me, snuggling her sleepy head into my neck. A cup of chai latte, that's still warm! And peanut butter spread on a piece of toast. There is joy outside with the song of birds and in the gray mist.

I'm sure I'll find more as the day wears on. Thank you Soulemama! Yet again!

My Grandmother's Table

My grandmother had a beautiful, oval-shaped, walnut dinning room table. For as long as I can remember, it hosted so many family memories and holidays. When my grandmother first moved into assisted living, she had to part with many of her things. I inherited her dinning room set. The beautiful table and cabinet, and the strange chairs. It was at least 30 years old.

The cabinet now hosts a plethora of our homeschooling supplies nicely organized and labeled. I've tacked up beautiful fabric from my MIL so that instead of displaying China, it houses an even more important part of our lives. Every time I look at it, I think of my grandmother, remembering all the things she used to store in it.

For 8 years it served as our dinning room table. It supported a great many feasts, tea parties, and more. This last year it's served as my office and homeschooling central. The chairs had strange netted backings, which Pook would poke her fingers through, pulling them out from the base. Two chairs have been in the basement for months, in need of tightening and new screws. And this year, when we moved the table to make room for our Christmas tree, the legs trembled.

As hubby laid underneath, tightening the screws, putting the legs back into place, we realized it was time to let it go. With a deep sigh, I called my brother, to see if he wanted it. He, like me, had no room for it. He told me that if I could find no one to take it, that instead of trashing it, I could bring it to his place, and we'd use it for a bonfire - a cremation of sorts.

We managed to find friends who will be taking the table. These friends are dear to my heart, and as they've no children to poke fingers through the chair backing, and the hubby is a Mr. FixIt, I think it shall be rather lovely in their new place. And I am so very grateful that it will have a good home for a while longer.

My grandmother died this past spring. Today, as I watched hubby and my FIL take it apart for storage in the basement until our friends pick it up, I was fondly reminded of all the years we sat and celebrated at that table. My heart ached as I felt the table's top, and watched them remove the leaf and the legs.

Now, I sit at a "new" table. It's stronger and sturdier. It's smaller and square. It belonged to my ILs. My MIL made cushions for the seats. The backs of the chairs are just right for learning against, offering wonderful support.

Right now, it's white with light wood. It's already changed the feel of the room. There's a new energy about. Pook wants to paint it black, and maybe we will.

On Thursday, this table will host a Christmas feast. New memories will be created. I've taken quite a liking to it. It feels very right, and will be the cause of revamping the dinning room to be more focused on homeschooling.

I'm hoping that it will be a part of our family for quite a while.

A letter of welcome, and reflection on life

This was a letter that I've decided to post. It was written to welcome my littlest one to this world. I've tweaked it a bit, for blogging purposes. It is here as a reminder to me about this year, and life in general. If, by some chance, you wish to share it with others, you can link them here, or just ask me.

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I sit here at 6 a.m. – the muse stirring within me, begging me to write a few words. And so I sit here, pen to paper, for when the muse wishes to inspire – I find it’s best to listen.

It has been a wild year for some of us; filled with surprises and the unexpected. At first glance, these events might seem overwhelming and easily labeled as “good” or “bad”. They are neither. They are life.

And life happens. Things happen. And we can choose to run and hide; we can choose to deny; or we can choose to embrace with acceptance. We can choose to love. We can choose to let go.

Most people I know, struggle to reach that sacred plateau that society has somehow promised us. It’s that place of security where everything goes as we’d like; we are always happy; and things, of course, are wonderful. If we find this plateau, we are then “safe”. Is this realistic, or an unrealistic expectation? I believe that there is more, much more, to it.

Life is constantly changing. We are constantly growing. There is no stop button, and the pause button doesn’t work for long. There is no plateau of safety promised to us by if/when this happens… then this…

If you want to be happy, choose it. If you want bliss, choose it. The only constant and “secure” things in life are change and love. You don’t stop change. You don’t stop love or someone from loving you either.

Over the last few months, there have been two mantras in my life:

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

I CAN HANDLE IT.

This too shall pass. Those sweet, bliss-filled moments we don’t want to end – the time with good friends, that vacation, those first few moments after a baby is born, a wedding day, a really excellent piece of chocolate. These moments only last for so long – then they end. Of course, this also means those uncomfortable moments of the unexpected, the discomfort, the stages of life in general will pass too.

We grow. We change. And so do others. This is the constant. And we can handle it.

This last year, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to take a good look at my life. I’ve been blessed with the unexpected and having things not go the way I would have preferred. The end result has been POSSIBILITIES, LOVE (from my opened heart and the out pouring from others), and a fresh view on life.

So I guess what I’m saying is that amidst the frustrations are moments of peace and bliss. Grab hold, accept, go with the flow to see where it leads. Be willing to let go. Embrace Love. Welcome love, embrace acceptance, pay attention and fully immerse yourself in those bitter and sweet moments. Keep the memory, and release your grasp. It’s okay to let go and make space for more precious moments.

Perhaps, by focusing on the moments of peace and bliss, those frustrations won’t seem so frustrating. Maybe, you’ll even see that it’s not what happens; it’s how you react to what happens that makes the difference between a “good” and “bad” experience. Everyone sees things through his or her own eyes. Perspectives might be similar, not the same.

And so I say…

Live your life.

Dance to its rhythm – there will be songs you enjoy, songs you may not like – slow songs, fast songs. Songs you feel good listening too. Songs you may not be fond of. Some are short and others too long. Dance with your self; grab a partner.

When you welcome life – you welcome it all. And if it gets too much, there is a place of safety and refuge: a place to pause and BE.

Take a deep breath.

Close your eyes.

Let your consciousness sink with you.

Feel the quiet.

Feel the peace.

It’s always there.

It’s for you.

Sweet daughter – today we embrace you and welcome you. You have brought forth such unexpected, amazing, and wonderful gifts to our lives.

Welcome to life little one. May you always dance to life’s rhythm. May you live fully in the moment – embracing, enjoying, and remembering – “this too shall pass” and that there will always be moments that you CAN handle. May you and your sister remember this. May you know and BE love.

My sweet darlings – live your life. Welcome it as we have welcomed you. Know you are loved by those here and those who are not present today.

Be yourself. Discover what you enjoy and what inspires you. As you discover yourselves, remember to respect others as they too, are discovering. (We are all discovering.) Remember that life is not constant – nor are you.

Sometimes, you’ll need faith and hope.

Other times, you’ll know what to do.

Things will change.

You will always be loved.

There is peace within you.

This reminds me of a blessing from the movie Under the Lighthouse Dancing, and so I say to you:

Deep peace of the running wave to you.

Deep peace of the flowing air to you.

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.

Deep peace of the shining start to you.

Deep peace of the sun of peace to you.

Amidst the change and growth – there is peace and love. Just breathe and be aware.

I love you both.

Love Always, Mommy

Precious moments...

Sometimes life throws curves balls, and other times, it deals up blissful dishes. And then, there are those times when life deals the unexpected, and you can choose to make it a blissful dish, or, at least have a good laugh.

My mother was up here for the last week, and this weekend we are having my favorite Twins visit us from Canada. (And yes K, I know you make 3 instead of 2, we just lump y'all together now! ;) )

In the past week, I've done things I hadn't done in years - went to a kid's day at the farm with a "pumpkin patch", corn maze, petting zoo - lots of fun stuff. My mom got to come along and enjoy the fun, as Pook commandeered her for the afternoon. I dug in the earth, planted plants, helped to set up a garden for next year. We had a picnic in the backyard on a blanket (we've not done that since we've moved here - 8 years ago!)

We were supposed to go to a fall party with the homeschool group, and due to weather and Pook not wanting to leave her little sister behind, ended up having our own Autumnal Celebration with hot cocoa and snacks. We spent a lovely gray afternoon painting. Pook painted her pumpkin that was for the party. Mom painted a picture of a pumpkin for Pook. PookII (pronounced Pookie, and short for Pook the sequel) slept. And I watercolored a set of sunflower cards for myself to write sunny thoughts upon and then mail.

Oh how I've missed painting! I even helped my mom to see that painting with watercolors was fun. She had a blast. A wonderful way to end her visit.

Lately, I have noticed that I've stopped putting things on hold. I've been making plans, pushing beyond my self-imposed, fear-based boundaries, and having FUN!

I am choosing to shift my perspective to a more sunny place, and embracing the unexpected with open arms. A simple phone call has lead to 3 fun invites. This weekend is full of good friends and activities.

I feel as though I'm rediscovering life, my life, in a sense. I'm moving (as in activity, not housing). I'm enjoying. I'm making the most of things, and dragging the family along with me. ;)

Today, the possibilities are endless... and it's wonderful.

May 12... 7 years of bliss

Seven years on May 12 (yes I'm aware the post is a bit late), I married the love of my life. Seven years, one child, and one on the way later, I am even more in love with my sweet husband.

I adore this man. He is not only a gift in my life; he's a blessing. Each day, I fall more in love with him - if that is possible. He's an amazing father, and we are both so good for each other in so many ways.

Seven years ago, I walked down the aisle on a gorgeous May day on the arm of my father. It was so green and vibrant that day, with a bounty of blossoms, rays of sunshine, and at the end of the aisle was my future mate.

It hardly feels as though we've been married that long, even though I feel as though we've been together forever. He still makes my heart sing.

Thank you my love, for seven years of bliss and wonder. I look forward to being with you for many more.

AML

In a heartbeat...

In a heart beat, life can change. Today, we heard the heart beat of our next child in my womb. The looks on Pook's face were so very precious. She is so excited, and SO ecstatic to have a sibling, whom, she's determined is her baby brother. We will hopefully know for sure on March 31st.

I've known that I've been pregnant since I took the test back in December. Physically, I felt the "afternoon" sickness and the exhaustion. And though my body hasn't really changed too much (my clothes are just starting to get a bit snug), it wasn't real until now. Until this morning when the midwife found my sweet angel's heart beat. It's strong. It's beautiful. And after the last week, it was just what I needed to here.

I'm pregnant again. And today, I found that moment, that pause to just breathe. The joy in my heart is overflowing. Suddenly, in a moment, I just knew that everything was wonderful. I found that knowing again, that connection I'd misplaced.

Today, in a heart beat, my life opened up, and I embraced joy.

more blessings

more snow falling softly, gently against the previous snow, leaving flakes dancing in the wind... learning and teaching the types of fruits and vegetables, and how many Pook thinks she should eat a day... quiet time to read a few pages here and there... moments to clean off a shelf, and see all the books that wait for me to read... that tiredness that comes with my latest life transition, that reminds me to rest and take better care of myself...

Life's Little Blessings

I've decided to try an experiment. In order to encourage my focus to live consciously and with awareness this year, I've decided to start listing out the blessings in my life. Over the next 9 months, I need to get quite a few things in order. There are decisions to be made. Thoughts to ponder. Routines to set into place. Plans to make.

But most importantly, I feel that be connected with gratitude, and the joys and blessings in my life, that will make the strongest impact for me.

And so... let's begin...

snow, watching the snow, enjoying the snow, tender Pook kisses, homemade lentil soup, having hubby home on a snow day, working from home, roses for celebration, roses just because, hot cocoa, snuggles on the couch, moments to read, getting things done, watching a reading lesson, having hope

Reflections on 2007

It's been an interesting year filled with many lessons and blessings. Looking back on my focus for the year, I can say that I have not meet everything completely, but I did manage to focus on quite a few things.

There were 4 things I chose to focus on for 2007:

• To live consciously - Yes, overall. As for the details... :)
  
• To make it a point to enjoy life more -Yes
  
• To continue to create a home environment that radiates contentment, peace, love, nurturing, and joy -Exceedingly YES!
  
• To spend more time outdoors -More than in the past, but would've liked to have done more.
  

Overall, I stayed focused on the main things. As for the details...

I would definitely say that I am living more consciously. I have totally been aware of my blessings, and in the past year I've gone from the desire to move, to completely embracing and falling in love with our current house.

Though I am living a bit more greenly, I'm not nearly living as greenly as I could be. I was not able, nor willing to follow through with the compact pledge which ended up being more time consuming and challenging than I thought. Though, there is a part of me wishing I'd stuck with it. However, realistically, it would be too much at this time.

Eating healthier as a family proved to slide in a big way. I'm still trying to figure that one out.
And, I've been conscious of spending and more aware, but still spending too much. I am consciously aware of what I eat though. (Even if it is a chocolate bar. :)

In the big picture, I am so much more aware of things and how I do things. It's definitely a process, one I'll tweak for next year's focus, but one that's definitely worth it.

In regards to enjoying life - yeah. Definitely been doing that this year.

In regards to the home environment, I've exceeded expectations on the indoors. No painting was done, but lots of clutter was removed. We also rearranged the house and created a new family living space and playroom. It definitely feels like a new home.

And, though we didn't get to the fence this past year, it's okay. I still created a mini sanctuary on the back porch that was wonderful. Thanks to Mom's donation of a swing and bistro table set.

I could've spent more time outdoors. But, at least I made the most of the time I did spend outdoors. :)

I'm going to give a good long thought to those for 2008, and try to set up things to focus on. One thing I've learned in being more aware and living life consciously, is that I only have so many hours in the day. Certain things need to be honored as priorities, and thus, that means that others will need to be pushed aside or on the back burner.

The bonus is that I'm totally okay with this. :)

So, to sum it up, this year - I fell totally in love with my life. Totally. I have witnessed all of the blessings (my hubby, Pook, the house, fabulous friendships, Yes lists, being realistic about what I can and can't do). I have embraced my life, my family, my friends, and allowed myself to be present, aware, and enjoy them. There were some challenges (like our wonderful car repairs to keep our autos running), but the blessings have outweighed them all.

My heart is joy-filled. My mind is open. Compassion for myself and others, is blossoming abundantly. I am filled with gratitude for 2007.

And now, I'm off to ponder my focus for 2008. Hmmmm...

More Blessings

101 Grams eating on her own and being
102 mom and uncle able to support each other again
103 getting to see my family this week
104 birds eating at the feeder
105 November's chill
106 Facebook. I think. ;)
107 reconnecting with old friends
108 a good chat with a good friend
109 Cracker Barrel
110 sales at Cracker Barrel
111 cheeseburgers by hubby
112 tuna melts bu hubby
113 brocolli shrimp soup made by hubby. YUM!
114 oatmeal with raisins and nuts mixed in
115 hot chai tea
116 cinamon flavored honey
117 cloth table cloths
118 time with family
119 sun spots
120 pictures
121 candles
122 the urge to purge
123 yoga
124 the feeling when you take a deep breath
125 hot bubble baths
126 making soup
127 fresh baked bread
128 daring to take a chance
129 Cadfael
130 discovering the best times to get certain things done

Blessings and gratitude amongst the clouds

61 Memories of Grams before she went into the hospital
62 understanding
63 quiet moments
64 Laurie's turkey meatloaf
65 pumpkin pie
66 upside down pear gingerbread cake
67 family
68 days on the farm
69 warm soups
70 walking the hill
71 good books
72 Scooby Doo
73 warm blankets
74 soft kisses
75 handmade quilts
76 friends who offer to pay for you when they have it to give
77 libary renewals
78 the way leaves look so vibrant amongst the dark clouds
79 fuzzy socks
80 pink fuzzy socks
81 smaller versions of pink fuzzy socks, that make my daughter happy
82 that today is the last 11 hour day my hubby had to work this week
83 caring friends
84 taking time to rest up
85 being able to identify when emotions are getting the better of me
86 the reiki group
87 kind strangers
88 embroidered pillow cases
89 painted benches and chairs
90 hand-me-downs
91 snuggles
92 warm, soft sweaters
93 the gift of a paid for spa day
94 soft robes
95 heated massage tables
96 warm tea
97 water
98 hot showers
100 forgiveness

A week of fullness and gratitude this has been...

I am so filled with gratitude this week! It has been a blessed week, a full week, a marvelous week. Dear friends, good food, and LOTS of laughter! What bliss!

It leaves my heart thankful for:

21 a week of dear friends!
22 curried quinoa
23 chats over tea
24 fresh eggs brought from the farm
25 Lin's hugs
26 smiles
27 tender songs sung in the backseat
28 two little girls laughing
29 colored leaves and wax paper
30 pumpkin seeds
31 the smile of a dear friend
32 aforementioned dear friend's totally cool fall apron
33 chatting with said dear friend
34 pumpkin muffins
35 apple cider
36 let's pretend
37 a gorgeous view from a bedroom window of a vibrant tree
38 sweet children
39 time to read at KM
40 the library
41 books sales at the library
42 warm quilts
43 hot tea
44 reiki
45 sweet kisses, just because I'm the mom
46 books on Thanksgiving
47 Scooby Doo (the new series)
48 the feeling of comraderie
49 feeling compassionate for others
50 being about to feel compassion
51 a night in the arms of my love
52 passion
53 a friend willing to pay for a spa day for me, and take me to lunch - just because
54 soothing music
55 early morning quiet
56 good food mixed with good friendship
57 yoga
58 deep breathing
59 snuggling
60 the desire and willingness to heal

Weekend of thanks...

11 Being married to such an amazing man.
12 Seeing a friend we haven't seen in a while.
13 Board games
14 Pomegrantes
15 Celestial Seasonings Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride Tea
16 Sunrises
17 Sunsets
18 Warm sun on a chilly day
19 Children's laughter
20 Watching birds at the bird feeder

Giving Thanks

Happy November! October has come and gone, and now, November is here. Thanksgiving is in 22 days. I've seen on a few blogs that people are doing a month of thanks, so, I've been inspired to join in.

Who wants to join me? Can you find at least one thing (or more) that you are thankful for? Can you list them and celebrate them?

I'm thankful for...

1 good friends

2 good blogs

3 fall colors

4 brown courdroys

5 pink cowgirl boots....

turquoise hats with hot pink bandanas...

stuffed horses, eagerly waiting to to ride into the sunset

and the little one who brings so much joy and wonder to my life!

Peace and quiet

After an amazing weekend (that too about 3 days to recover from lack of sleep due to lots of fun!), I find myself sitting here in the quiet of early morning. Pook is still sleeping, twisted gracefully amongst the sheets, her face in blissful dream land.

I managed to pull myself from the bed around 5:30 am, to do some exercise, and found myself with that extra time and vigor I seem to have in the early am hours. (I know you night owls don't necessarily agree. :) )

In any case, I've missed the quiet. The last few days I've been sleeping in to try and catch up (but, do we ever really catch up?), and then last night, I couldn't sleep. (I've found a new game Kakuro.) Yet, still, I was able to awake to the rhythmic symphony of cicadas (or crickets - I'm not sure) that seems to be more prevelant in the wee hours of the morning.

Perhaps it's because last night, I made a conscious effort to reclaim my energy from a situation I'd been doting too long on, and, effectively wasting energy with worry, second guessing, and preparation for a possibility that simply may not be. And, yesterday, my sweet, marvelous, wonderful, and loving husband, saw this pain I'd been creating for myself. He took my hand, looked into my eyes, and helped me to become aware that if I wanted to expend energy on something, I should be more focused on him and Pook, than this other situation.

And then, my sweet love and I talked, and I realized that he knew that I was creating my pain. And yet, if someone else had consciously hurt me, he would indeed take action.

It was then my mind began to quiet, as I processed what he'd said. Sometimes, I'm aware of things, and yet not aware of things. And then, my heart just seemed to drop what it had been holding on to, and through the course of the evening, began to release what I'd been holding onto, and embrace the love for my husband and child.

And last night, when I couldn't sleep. I watched them both. I snuggled and kissed upon my sweet child's face. I got up, and wrote in my journal about my love for them, and how blessed I am to live the life I lead, love the people I love, and be the person I am - and my heart blossomed.

Back from the pilgrimage

I have returned from over two wonderful weeks reconnecting with family and a freind I hadn't seen in years. Instead of trying to fit everything in, I made the choice to focus on family. So, dear friends in the area, I'm sorry I didn't get to visit this time around.

Usually when I return to MD, I rush around, sometimes going 3 and 4 places in a day. It's exhausting for me, and leaves Pook and Hubby cranky. Sometimes, our families will have big gatherings where we can invite family and friends - just to be able to see them - although I don't get to talk or spend much time with them. I used to stress out so much trying to just see people because I didn't want to loose the connection.

This time though, I needed to be with family. Both of my grandmothers are not in the best of health. I seem to be all too aware of mortality. I was able to spend a few hours on a Saturday with Grams. She didn't know me. She smiled, and was agreeable, but as I kissed her check, I could see her trying to figure out who I was. She was quiet most of the time, but then, when she saw her great grandchildren playing in the pool, she smiled and said, "I'm so glad I decided to come today."

The moments with her were short and bittersweet. Many times I held back the tears. She can barely walk now. She's lost weight, and she's very weak. I treasured that Saturday. I hold it close to my heart. I don't know when or if I'll get to see her again. And if I do see her again, I don't know what she'll be like, or if she'll let me kiss or hug her.

My other grandmother is doing well, though not as good as she was. At my cousin's wedding, she didn't look good. I took a day to visit with her, and she lit up getting to spend time with us and Pook.

All of my visits were enlightening and amazing. I got to visit with aunts and uncles I'd been so distant from. Before I chose to do this trip, I'd had past anger and pain. After this trip, it's gone. All of it is gone.

The only thing I feel is love and peace. I don't know how much longer these people will be in my life or on this planet, but I know that I don't want to waste time being angry when I have the opportunity to just enjoy them for who they are.

Pook was able to connect with family as well. It was a really amazing experience on so many levels that I'm not quite ready to put into words yet. Perhaps someday, I'll be able to share more. In the meantime, I'm just basking in the feelings of the heart.