Decisions

The last few months my mind has been filled with thoughts, and a sub-conscious that has been screaming (very loudly, and via all of my writing outlets and then some), that I need to slow down, maybe even stop. But I was terrified to stop, afraid that I'd loose momentum if I did.

And yet, it kept getting louder, and it was clear that I was feeling off balance, as was my family.

My time has been really full the last few months - work, homeschooling, activities, Squeak's allergies and therapy, not getting enough sleep, travel, and probably other things that I've been forgetting. Life had become overwhelming, and I couldn't keep up. Then, I'd ream myself out for not keeping up. Yet I still wouldn't slow down.

Finally, I realized, I had some serious decisions to make. Something needed to give. I needed to slow down and stop. I needed to stop comparing myself to how much others did and were doing, and just stop. I was unbalanced, and until I regained that balance, I was going to continue struggling and fighting a loosing battle.

And so, I stopped, took a breath, decided to tweak our schooling for the month to be more laid back to help with the burnout. We choose to homescool for many reasons, one of which was that I wanted to take most of December off to really enjoy the holiday. And I've not done that yet - until this year.

Instead of opting to do all the activities we've done in the past, we opted to do something that suited our family. We needed to soothe our souls, rejuvenate out minds, bodies and spirits, and to slow down. And through the years, we have discovered that means NFP weekends (No F'n Plans).

And so that is what we are doing. We've opted to stay in for the month. I do not work (my computer is turned off all of Saturday and most of Sunday), nor do I do work, on the weekends. We won't be attending fancy holiday parties, or running all over the place. We make it a point to read, play games, do something creative as a family.

Winter is generally a time for hibernating for our family anyway. It's a natural rhythm that we all enjoy and benefit from. We have for years, and one day, it may shift. For now, I want to honor it, nurture it, and savor it, as opposed to fighting it, or not doing it because someone else thinks that we shouldn't be doing it.

I've decided it's time to listen to that voice of intuition I've spent the last 5 years denying (questioning and doubting), and have reconnected with (in Spring).When I used to listen to that voice, I was able to trust and let go of fear. Because I knew, from the depths of my soul, I knew where to go based on how I felt about things. Even if logically it didn't make sense, and the rest of the world tried to convince me otherwise, when I listened, and I mean really listened and followed that gut instinct - I found I was right where I was supposed to be.

So many times I have reached out to others for input on a decision, instead of trusting that "feeling". Actually, I ignored it because it was just a "feeling" and there was no "proof" behind it. But this year, I've known when I walked into a building, I was meant to be there. I've watched things fall into place when the time was best, and not before. I've remembered what it felt like to "know", and that enabled me to move past the guilt and self-doubt, to trust myself.

In trusting myself, I am taking time to ask myself some questions, to give things some thought, to dare to do things that others might not like or approve of.

It's been snowing here, and if I don't feel comfortable driving in it, or if I choose to stay home and enjoy it, so be it. Mind you, this decision came after an intense struggle involving "to go" or "not to go" to an activity for Squeak when it was snowing. I felt guilty for not going, for not making the most of the money I'd spent, and for not "doing enough" for my child. Thankfully, it was canceled, but it got me thinking, and I didn't feel like getting so stressed out about it again. Giving myself permission to "bow out" to say no - is liberating.

I've decided that I'm not sending out the yearly Christmas letter updating the details of our life over the year.  There has been SO much that has happened, that I'm not even sure a letter will do it justice. And frankly, there are other things requiring my time and attention. So this year, I'm deciding to "bow out".

We've chosen to be nontraditional in regards to Christmas this year. We're taking a long weekend, just our little family, with no guests or visitors. We will drink hot cocoa, tea and chai lattes and create our own little feasts. We'll probably stay in PJs the whole time.

There are Christmas movies that we'd like to watch. Wii we'd like to play. There will Christmas music. We'll probably dance and sing. We might be inspired to paint, sketch, or sculpt. We'll hopefully read. We might not leave the house the entire weekend. There are no plans set in stone.

Pook is excited about Christmas this year - more so than those of the past. Da Hub is glad that we won't be traveling, and excited that he can sleep in and stay in PJs all weekend. Squeak is just happy to have us all around. And as for me, well, it feels right for us, and I'm excited that we've made this choice.

How I fell in love with the City

I have, since I can remember, always considered myself to be a country gal. I've been to a few cities in my lifetime, and none have impressed me. Although, the West side of New York, as least as presented in "You've Got Mail" was always tempting for me. But was that really what a city could be like? And I'm talking about the "feel" that was created - not just the look.

One of the local flower shops.

And then, we went to Toronto. My dear Canadians, I LOVE this city. Not only did I get to spend a week with friends, but I felt as though I was living in the movie "You've Got Mail". Seriously. The vendors are decked out for autumn with mums and pumpkins, and sometimes gorgeous floral arrangements IN pumpkins.

The street where we stayed has a Starbucks to the left and to the right. I was treated to a tall chai nonfat milk chai latte from each (Thank You!!!). And a Timothy's where I was treated to the most delicious pumpkin chai latte and had to buy a large before heading home... YUM! Which I was able to enjoy with some delicious pastries for breakfast, and still have some leftover to enjoy along with a good book The Thirteenth Tale. Bliss.

The old theater

And, speaking of books, there is a bookstore and library in walking distance. The bookstore, Chapters, was once an old movie theater. And they've kept the integrity of the old theater. From the stage, to an old projector, to the old seats that can be found tucked in amongst the shelves of book. This is a shot from the balcony of the store.

And the childrens' section was simply delightful, complete with its own stage and a nook to curl up in, as one couple was doing. (Any place else would've been fine... but the children's section? Come on folks... )

Shot of the children's mini stage

There is something so simple about being able to walk to get groceries, go to the library, or a community store. I liked not needing a car to get around. I loved being able to watch the people as they walked, to wonder what their stories might be.

Most of the people are stylishly decked out in fashionable attire. People care about how they look here, and each outfit makes a statement of some kind.

I loved the plethora of bakeries and coffee houses in the area. And, if I lived here, I'm sure that I'd put on about 20 pounds and develop a latte factor that would not be budget friendly. I have been seduced by the proximity, the architecture of the neighborhood, and the divine restaurants - and I'm not even down town!
 
Toronto's science center was really cool, as was the ROM museum. Riding the subway was fun, and I found myself wanting to be outside more and more. I loved driving through the cities, and wished I'd gotten a picture of the trees growing on a few of the roofs.

Autumn has always thrilled me. Autumn in the city has amazed me. I have fallen in love. I always thought I was a country girl at heart... but this week, I realized that I could actually live in and enjoy the city.

Autumn in Toronto

Life Shifts

One day, you find yourself trapped in a box of your own making that limits you in ways you weren't aware of. Perhaps you wake up and realize what you've been missing, or maybe suddenly you can clearly see the walls of your own creation. And then, you have a choice. Will you stay in the box? Or will you let the walls fall and move forward into the world outside?

This last week, I let my walls fall. I took a deep breathe, and stepped out and did things I haven't done before. It was scary at first, but seriously invigorating proving to myself that YES, I CAN do this. And do it I did. And I did it again. And again.

And I made a decision, maybe more than one, to really LIVE and embrace my life. I didn't realize I wasn't doing that until recently. And it's made a huge difference.

With a simple shift in perspective, I have shifted my life. And I'm quite happy with the results.

A Weekend Away...

"Give me your hands, if we be friends." - Puck, From A Midsummer Night's Dream

I had the pleasure of being able to run away this weekend, and spend it with four phenomenal ladies. The hands were dealt, the cards laid out, and then the universe stepped in to add its two cents.

It was a weekend where each one of us was given the opportunity to grow and stretch. It was a lesson in honesty and voicing feelings, in connection, letting go, and in discovering what it was like to be me without the walls (and I don't think I'm the only one who let the walls come down). I stepped away from my usual roles into a place where I just was.

It's been a long time since I've just let things flow, and stopped worrying about what the end result was. Here I am! I splay my cards upon the table, throwing them down with no real set pattern. The whole deck is there - there aren't any in my hands. I've been so tired of holding in, that I just let go.

Thankfully, it was in the midst of those who embraced it, who caught the cards that fell off the table, threw out their own to let them lie as we chatted, bonded, and shed a few tears. Each of us managed to give and receive this weekend. We stepped away from our roles as momma and wife, and let ourselves slip back into who we are as individuals. It enabled us to breathe, and explore that part of ourselves that is easily misplaced or lost, in an environment where we just are "us" and we are loved.

It's an amazing feeling when you can just be who you are, and let it flow without worry. I found a part of myself this weekend. And I found four other marvelous souls to share it with.

Lookout world... for here I am. And I don't know if I could close that door again... or if I want to.

Taking steps after the unraveling and the leaves have fallen

Falling leaves and yarn - what could they possibly have in common? Well, both are present come fall, as that's when my yarn addiction kicks in, and also, when the leaves change and let go. There is usually a lot of color. Yay! Both of these activities involve letting go - the yarn with patterns that don't work and the leaves to prepare for winter. And, both completely apply to our family at the moment.

We've been unraveling here and there - those things that haven't been working. In some cases we've started over, only to realize that doesn't work either. Some parts that are left, have a good foundation, and we've kept that. Other things, are being unraveled completely. And there are still those favorite project that are finished and just right that are being kept. It's all good.

It's time for a change. There are only a few trees left with their leaves, and soon those too will change and fall, leaving the trunk of the tree bare and easy to see. In many ways, I feel that in our own family, we've been shedding our "leaves", and now we are getting a clear look at what has been under them. And, in order to grow, we realized we'd benefit with a bit of pruning and going within.

Hubby and I have been taking a good look at our lives, and we've come to a few realizations/revelations:

• We aren't eating as healthy as we could be, and the affects are showing.
• We also need to start seriously looking into recipes for Squeak. Right now, she's still working through her eating issues. Eventually though, she'll be eating real foods. Which means we're enjoying eggs and wheat while we can. Eventually, it'll be banned from the house.
  
• When things get to us, we have turned to food or material things. This has not benefited our finances in the least.
• We've not been keeping up with the decluttering - and it's showing.
  
• It's time to be more aware of our spending. This year, we've not been keeping track, and it's showing. It's time to reel it in.
• Our attitudes have been, as of late, not the best they can be. Lack of sleep has left us a bit snippy, and it's reflected through our house. So, it's time for a shift.
  

On the positive side,

• We've discovered (or rediscovered in many cases) a positive and supportive network of friends who have been incredibly amazing, helping us to grow and change in many ways.
• We are realizing what's most beneficial for our family, and taking steps to make it happen.
  

So, I'm posting them here for accountability, for you dear readers to see.