Being who you are

Well, looks as though it's another 3 post day (and this time the dates should match up R! ;)

I just read this wonderful blog post.

Where there was this quote:

"Being who you are is the best gift you can give to yourself." - Corey Amaro

I'm am really beginning to realize the truth in that. Perhaps... you'll get another post in regards to this -- later.

Gratitude

After focusing on some very heavy topics over the last few posts, I've decided I'm going to try and get back into the habit of gratitude and appreciation.

I've been quite hard on myself, you see. And, apparently I'm not the only one. So, in order to find balance, to rediscover the magic... I need to focus on the blessings in my life - to bask in gratitude.

I'm going to try and do this for every day, or at least the weekdays (I try to stay off this thing on the weekends). Or at least as much as I can, so that I can just express my thanks for what I have, and who I have in my life. Oh, please do encourage me on this if you can! At least 5 things... but, once I get started, it seems I tend to find so many other things... so, we shall see. Let us begin:

I am grateful for...

1. The life I live. I get to work from home, be a mom, a wife, a homemaker, in a cozy little house in the mountains.

2. To be told this by Pook two minutes ago, "Mommy, I like it here. I love this place, and this house. I love Pook's house so much!" My daughter, who greets me each morning with a big good morning hug.

3. For those people and events in my life that have helped me to be where I am today.

4. For supportive friends - in the blogsphere, in different states, and down the street. ;)

5. For my ego, because without it, I wouldn't be where I am today, nor would I have the fascinating opportunity to learn from it. To know that I see the world through my own perspective, and even try to see things the way others would (even though it's really still my view).

6. For family. I learn such wonderful life lessons from them.

7. For the wonderful weather and sunshine.

8. For love.

Powerful Words and Ed

This morning, I was blessed to read the following posted by Ed (so nice to have you back):

While certainly no expert on the subject, I know that life is too precious and too unpredictable to be taken for granted.

And that's really what we do when we get angry at someone we care about, or when we get angry at someone whose approval we are seeking. We take them for granted, since the act of being angry with them, of judging and distancing from them, is to punish them, to seek some emotional equilibrium and that takes for granted the idea that they will be around long enough for this process to work itself through. When we have been wronged, it is too easy to transform someone into an ideal and forget that they are, in reality, a human -- and quite temporarily so.

You can read his full post here.

Now, I really admire Ed. (Did you know that?) Actually, I always have because he is such a vibrant person (at least that's how I see him). In college, he'd walk into a room, and I swear that room would light up, and in moments, he'd have someone laughing or smiling. Even when he was extremely exhausted, he'd managed to say something to get you to smile.

I'll never forget how, during a very uncomfortable situation where I'd let my wonderful ego go ballistic, he sat down with me, talked to me in person, was honest and upfront with his feelings, and, on top of everything else, dared to express feelings of concern for me where others dare not tread (as I was quite prideful then). When it was all said and done, all that really stuck out about the whole messy situation, was that Ed wasn't afraid to tell me, that regardless of the mess I'd made, he still cared and was concerned.

We don't know each other well; we aren't best buddies or anything like that, but as long as I've known him, he has always provided me with food for thought about my own life. Especially since he started blogging.

From what I do know, we seem to been vastly different in some areas. He's able to see things in a way that I don't. And I'm so glad I've people like that in my life (even if it is through a blog), because I tend to think that each person lives life according to their own way, and when you meet someone who sees things differently, it adds a new perspective and tint to your own life, if you let it.

So Ed, I hope I haven't embaressed you or anything, by shouting my admiration for you out here in the blog sphere, but, your last post hit the nail on the head for me. Especially this part:

And it helps take the edge off of family feuds, because when someone is gone, there is no chance for them to right past wrongs. There is no chance to hear them say I'm sorry, or for you to say you're sorry.

Anger has always been an issue for me, and reading your post, suddenly, I realized just how much of my life I've wasted being angry, how many people I've hurt or pushed away to whom I may never be able to apologize, how I could be spending my time being grateful for what I have, and being appreciative...

So thank you, Ed. Your words maybe just for your ownself to read 10 years from now, but today, your words have reached out and touched my heart where it really needed to be touched. And, I appreciate them and you.

And in light of that --

For those of you out there who read this, and those that don't even know this blog exists, if my actions (particularly those involving my ego and anger, but not subjected to only these) have caused a rift, hurt feelings or any other type of negative action (or reaction, depending) -

From the depths of love within my heart, I am sorry.

I apologize for not being more appreciative and letting you know you were appreciated, for letting my anger and ego have the better of me. Know too, I am grateful for having you in my life. Whether it was for a moment or a lifetime, whether you be flesh and blood, a stranger on the street, a friend who I've lost contact with ... you have touched my life in some way. And I appreciate that.

Ego and Pride, Ego and Pride -> Freedom

Last night, Hubby and I were discussing the posts on my blog.

"So, do you think it's an ego and pride thing with them? Because I really don't know what fueled this thing with them - again."

Ouch.

I love my husband. I adore my husband. Especially because we can have conversations like this. I thought about what he said. And yup, he was right. And yeah, it twinged!

I can't believe I'm admitting this in writing for my little world of readers to see - but I am. Yes, when I thought it out, I realized that it was ego and pride. I was upset with them because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. I wanted a strong, expanded familial unit; right now, they are focusing on their own little familial unit.

Hey, that actually felt good admitting "out loud". In fact, today, I'm feeling really good about the whole thing. Because once I realized it was my ego and pride that were hurt,I was able to see them, really, truly see them for who they are - and to accept them.

And, to accept myself in the process.

Wow. Powerful stuff.

They are very different from us. And, after talking with L yesterday about how in some families, blood is thicker than water, but in others, it's not, I just realized that in this case - blood is not thicker than water.

As soon as I made the connection, I felt the sweet bliss of freedom. Freedom from playing the "good" SIL to keep peace with people who may well not want peace. Freedom to stop worrying about my BIL and how he's changed and his relationship with Pook. Freedom to realize I can be indifferent right now - I don't have to keep the peace, be nice to them, hate them, be angry with them, continue to give energy to a situation that clearly doesn't need any - I can just let them be who they are, and live in their little world - just as I live in mine.

This may not be big news to everyone, and blessed are those already aware of this. But for me, this is big news. Now, whenever I start to have angry thoughts, I just say to myself, "Ego and Pride, Grace. Ego and Pride." And it's amazing how I can just stop the self-righteous thoughts.

Ego and pride are indeed tied into self-righteousness and expectations(well, mine at least!). It's my ego and pride that gets hurt when I am forced to face responsibility for thoughts (particularly self-righteous ones) about others. It's my ego and pride that enjoys being right, and better, and "above" others. When people, things, or what-have-yous don't meet our expectations - it's the ego and pride - is it not?

Fact is, we're all in this together, aren't we? We're just on different paths, in different worlds, with different expectations. And I think that all seems to come back to the fact, that there is no one way.

The Real Deal

Well, I step away for a bit, and seem to have so much to say. My head's really been caught up in so many thoughts as of late. You lucky peeps get THREE posts today!

I did want to mention (and yes L - you did inspire this one!), that a friend of mine mentioned before that people can post anything on their blogs. They can create any type of image of who they want to be or think they are.

With me, you get the real deal. I really, truly, am the same person you are reading about. I'd love to portray someone who's got it all together, can confidently let things go, and a few other things. And at times, I do have it all together, can confidently release things, and focus on the fun and joy that is the dailiness of my life. But you, you lucky peeps get the glimpses into the real deal.

Why do I share my inner workings and thoughts here? My husband probably wonders that a lot. I am well aware that there are a few people out there who read this blog. And perhaps, because I know this, I'm wiling to put myself and my imperfections out there. (Not all of them, but most of them.)

I'm at a place right now, where I'm figuring out how I work and the hows and whys of how others work, in a strange quest of acceptance. Not just of others, but, I suppose too of myself. Sometimes I wonder, if we all truly accepted ourselves, exactly as we are (and by acceptance I don't mean not changing if that's what you want to do), just what the world would be like.

At least, that's where I am currently. Who knows where I'll be a few months from now, eh?

Official Birthday Weekend is over

Well, it looks as though Pook wasn't the only one celebrating this weekend. A dear and charming friend of mine is now officially a dad of yet another simply sweet and marvelous little girl who's birthday is the day before Pook's! Congrats to the family!

It's Monday, and we survived the birthday party. You wouldn't think 2 hours is a long time, but guess what? When playing party games with 4 year olds, it's very long. Almost too long.

We also got to enjoy the company of the twins and Aunt K, who, we are hoping will make a return visit in August so that we can actually explore some of the local sites (and maybe, just maybe, stay a little longer then Friday evening to Sunday morning). ;)

In any case, it was a full and wonderful weekend. But it doesn't stop there, as my mom is due in this Thursday to continue the birthday celebrations. Is Pook lucky or what? She celebrates the whole month!!!!

So, I'm thinking of taking a wee sabatical for a bit. (Yes, I know that each time I usually say this, I end up getting a ton of ideas... we shall see.)

Thoughts on Clutter

I heard the birds singing again this morning. It's been a while. But then, it's been rather chilly here.

I've been pondering on my last post, about the decluttering going to the wayside. I have gotten rid of a lot of stuff. My basement has a pile ready for the good will, a bunch of old computers I need to figure out how to recyle, and for the most part, it's really quite organized.

I would like to go through my books, and get rid of those that I know I won't read, or don't want to read, and those that I've read but know I won't read again. Books are particularly hard for me to go through. I have more pages marked with those little sticky things, and yet how many times do I go back to them? Oi!

There are times when I feel I have too many clothes. (I actually wear almost all of them though! Save for the dressier ones, as I don't get to go out much.) In reality, I think I actually have just what I need. Though, I bet I could do without a few. Matters not, as come fall, I clean through them, and I do stick to the rule, that when I buy one of something, one thing is gotten rid of.

And then there's the furniture, where we actually use all that we have, save for my grandmother's rocking chair and a papsan chair in the basement; but they have sentimental value that we've not been able to part with yet. Our shelves, cabinets, desks, tables, chest and the like are all put to good use. Although, they do take up a bit of room in our home.

We go through our stuff on a regular basis, purging where and when we can. And now, we are down to the point where we use almost every thing. The knickknacks we have, we really like and aren't ready to part with just yet. Sometimes, I get frustrated when we get more stuff, as then I need to figure out where to put it, or what I'm willing to get rid of. My MIL tells me that she doesn't have an attachment to stuff or people. Ironically, my FIL is the opposite. :)

Mentally, I get better as it goes. I'm learning what nurtures me, what drains me, and what I really enjoy. I do my best to let go of worries, or bad thoughts about people. I am in the process of creating an absolute Yes list, so, if something comes up that's not on that list, I'll need to really think about it before agreeing.

Dealing with clutter is definitely a day-by-day process. It's good to look at things, see that I'm in a good space. I realize, I'm probably burned out, because I'm getting into the territory of having a lot of stuff, but it's used stuff or stuff I really like. So, that makes it a bit of a challenge. Thus, I think a break (until fall when I seem to get bit by the declutter bug again) is a very good thing.

Though, I really should make it a point to empty out that Good will pile, eh? :)

Decluttering - On the back burner

Well, as Phil brought up in one of his comments, weren't we decluttering? And yet, we now have a new kitchen set?

Friends, I've reached a burn out point with the decluttering. I really, really have. We did manage to go through Pook's stuff and clear out before her birthday. And the kitchen set has actually freed up space in the living room, although the doll house has been relocated to the study (great for when I'm working though).

There are times, when I just want to chuck everything. Other times, when I have a really hard time parting with what I have. So, it got to the point, where I just burnt out. Besides, there just seemed to be so much more that I wanted to do when the weather got warm.

We didn't hibernate like we usually do this winter, which is part of the problem. I do try to go through things throughout the year, especially before birthdays and big time before Christmas. So, I'm maintaining for now.

I'm sort of going through this phase in my life, where I just want to be doing other things. Oh, I'd love to decrease our "stuff" by half, but my sweet Pook wants me to play, or do writing and the like. So... until I get my absolute Yes list created, I've just added it to my procrastination list. :)

The Kitchen Set

Here is the kitchen set, and yes, I know we'd planned on decluttering the house. (I'm saving that for the next post!) Specifically, because we knew, we just knew this was coming. At least Pook's room looks great. And, yes, we need to have a serious discussion before Christmas about stuff.

Here is the full kitchen set, patiently waiting for the birthday girl:

Have a peek inside the freezer and the fridge:

See the goodies baking in the oven:

And, there's a stainless steel sink and cooking pots to boot:

Weekend update

It was a good weekend visit with the parents of my husband, aka ILs. Pook got a gorgeous kitchen set, which I'll post pics of later, as I'm on the other computer this morning.

We also ate way too much candy, thus, next year, we'll need to get more creative with healthier options. Jelly Bellies are just wicked.

Not much else to post, save that this is proving to be a full month of activity. Perhaps that is why hubby and I have been so grumpy. We seem to be caught in a web of continually moving, never really recharging the batteries.

I suppose I'll have to start getting creative.

Snow in April

There's nothing quite like starting your morning out by reading four research papers. Unless you count the snow squalls throughout the day yesterday. No real accumulation, but funky none the less. Monday and Tuesday we were eating outdoors. Caught me a bit off guard, but, I'm back into the swing of things. The ILs are due in at lunch, and I'm hoping that since this is a holiday weekend, students won't be posting as much today.

This weekend starts the first of three weekends of Pook's birthday celebrations. She'll get to hunt for Easter eggs, an Easter basket, and a handmade kitchen set (which I'll post a pic of later), made by her grandfather. Next weekend is her official birthday and party with a few of her friends, and the weekend after my mom comes up to visit and celebrate. Is she lucky or what?

I am realizing though, that I think I'm going to need to put limits on a few things before Christmas, as I think she might be getting TOO much for this birthday. We shall see.

Happy Easter too all!

Connecting with the outdoors

After my last post, I needed to refocus on something more positive.

Yesterday, I made it a point to take advantage of the wonderful weather. We managed to eat 3 meals out on the back deck. Pook even did her work outside in the afternoon. Tracing lines and letters, and telling me how much she loved me.

I think that she, too, knew the importance of being outside. It was a special treat, and she was SO excited about it. I think she told me over 25 times how much she loved me.

Lately, I've realized that the last few years, I've somehow missed the slight and sweet transition from spring into full bloom. I'm really taking note of the green shoots on the shrubs, the blossoming trees, the little things. How have I missed these things? Has my life be spiraling so fast in the past?

Being outdoors has actually helped me to slow down, take a breath, and be aware. Lately, things have been picking up. There's been lots to do (not to mention the explosion of creating things around here), and we got caught up in the rush.

But yesterday, being outside made a huge difference. I've still a lot to do, but it all seems to fade away in the wind.

Grams

I've recently received news that my grandmother has taken another turn for the worse. She still hangs onto life and staying alive, even though she's been suffering, and doing things that are so strange. Well, not really I guess. She seems to have regressed to a baby at some moments, or a toddler struggling for independence.

It didn't hit me until yesterday, when I just longed for those days when she was vibrant and independent. Hearing about her and the state she is in, I can't help but think that this is not how she'd want to live her life.

There is part of me that doesn't want to lose her. There is part of me that just really wishes she'd let go. I am heartbroken to know that she believes she dines with dead relatives she still doesn't recognize, throws fits and curses that would put a sailor to shame, and that she may pretend to know me when she sees me - yet does she really?

I'm terrified to visit with her, because she's gone to the next stage. I want her to visit with Pook, and yet I'm not sure if it's a good idea, because who knows if or when she will come unhinged.

My heart is aching...