{this moment}

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

- via Soulemama

Lost in thought...

A lot has been happening in our little world these last few months, and it's been time for some quiet introspection. I'm not sure if I'm ready to return to the world of blogging just yet... but it's so nice to know that it's here.

This is a phrase that's been getting me through, and enabling me to make some recent decisions:

Remind yourself these are your only three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it.

So I'm taking things one step at a time. Working through, figuring things out, and trying to get in touch with something I've misplaced over the last few years.

It's been snowing here, and I'm loving that silence. I'm currently fighting the urge to just stop everything. I long to hunker in the house, save to leave for sledding, and just BE. I want to hunker under a blanket for days, leaving only to make a new cup of tea, get a new book, and snuggle up with my children. But life seems to be getting in the way of that.

So until I return, I'm taking things step-by-step. We'll see where I end up.

Let it Snow

It's snowing out, and I'm blessed to be inside where it's warm, where we have plenty of food, and where I am with my family. I am looking forward to being snowed in, enjoying warm drinks and lots of snuggles, and just BEing.

Sometimes life goes so very fast, and then we get opportunities like these to slow down and just enjoy it. And that, dear friends, is what I'm planning on doing.

Handling the Holidays

This holiday we did several things:

* Decided what our goals were and what we wanted from this holiday season.

* Said No. A lot.

* Decided what traditions we liked, didn’t, and wanted to start. (Did this with activities as well.)

* Simplified gift giving to the extreme.

* Scheduled special things for the family and just for me

* Most importantly – agreed to not freak out if everything didn’t get done on the list.

What type of holiday do you want?

Last year’s holiday was so totally chaotic and stressful for me. Add to that discovering I was pregnant and we were sick most of the time… well, it was not the holiday we wanted it to be. So, this year we decided we wanted a holiday filled with joy, family time, PEACE, gratitude, relaxation, and wonder. Keeping these words in my head helped me to focus on what it was all about for us.

Saying No.

This has always been hard for me, but this year, it got easier, and will be easier now that I’ve felt the benefits. We said no to travel, no to cookie baking (oh the horror, I know – but this year it made a world of difference!), no to certain gifts (more on this later), no to Christmas lights, no to spending time with people we didn’t want to, no to a variety of things… and guess what? It gave us time to say yes to things we really wanted to do.

Now, next year, I may want to bake cookies. This year, we didn’t get around to it. Next year, I may want to travel. I have given myself permission to change my mind. And that’s just fine.

Oh, and my favorite phrases for which to say no are:

* I have plans.

* If you need an answer right now, I have to say no.

* That’s not possible.

I’ve found that if you offer excuses or reasons someone is guaranteed to counter argue you, and it’s not worth it.

Traditions and lists

I didn’t realize until this year that traveling was totally stressful for me. Trying to see a ton of people in a short amount of time, missing out on those individual connections, and dealing with hurt feelings of people we didn’t get together with is not enjoyable for me. It was nice to not have to deal with any of that.

I also discovered we’d started several traditions – Christmas-tide activities, decorating a gingerbread house, dinner with friends, watching Christmas movies, dancing and singing to Christmas songs with the kids, made pinecone birdfeeders, etc. All of these things filled me to the brim with joy.

I was also very aware not to over schedule things. We determined how many activities, and when we did them, and what was best for us. Instead of exhausting ourselves with 3 and 4 activities a weekend, we choose to do 1 or 2 instead.

And, I’ve made a list, checked it twice, included what activities we didn’t want to do, and those that were nice. It’s made it easier to say no and plan things.

Gift Giving

We keep this extremely simple. (Some people feel it’s too simple, and that’s cool as you need to find what works best for you.) About 15 years ago, I was giving gifts to 60 or more people a year – to far removed acquaintances and out of guilt. Then, I got married and hubby was more than a little freaked out by the bills from our first Christmas.

So, we talked it over and decided that we were only giving gifts to our immediate family: our kids, our parents, our nephew, each other, and maybe a few other people depending on the situation. Everyone else gets experiences. My favorite is the dinner hubby makes for certain friends each year, or having people up for a weekend at our “B&B”. Gifts have become so much more meaningful.

I also start the gifts in September. Grandfathers get a calendar with pics (which I update through the year). The moms get books they are interested in. My nephew got a magazine subscription. And – we ordered most of the things online to save going to the stores. As we are big into keeping clutter out of our house, we really try to give gifts that can be used or that we know for certain will be enjoyed.

Scheduling

This year we did a lot of family activities together, and I also did a few things for me. I made sure I had time to paint. I went out with a friend for cocoa. I found time to read, journal, blog, exercise and do yoga. All of these things made a huge difference, “filling my tank” so that I could remain calm and peaceful through out the season. And jolly. Doing these things for me helped me to be very jolly indeed.

Most Important

Agreeing to not freak out if things didn’t get done, gave me permission to let things be and not worry if things didn’t happen according to plan. And if I did freak out, I could do it for a little bit, and then let it go. Out of everything, it made the most difference.

the longest night of the year

Tomorrow is the solstice. I think that means tomorrow will be the longest night of the year. I'm not sure, but it's got me thinking. (What doesn't get me thinking, eh?)

I am one of those who enjoy the solstice. I enjoy the quiet dark of the lengthening night during the holiday season. Why? Because it encourages me to slow down amidst the consumer chaos. It's a time to turn inward and ponder. I also like that it happens in the autumn, so that during winter's chill, the daylight increases, warming the senses with the promise of spring.

This last year has not been as quiet or as peaceful as we'd have liked.

A while back, I'd asked what the holiday means to people, and a friend of mine told me that the holidays were what you made them. So true!

I find myself longing for a quiet holiday. Aside from this weekend, tomorrow we'll spend time with family. Christmas eve and Christmas day, we shall spend quietly with only my mom and a good friend.

I am longing for the quiet of winter nights, and a small holiday celebration. Actually, I'm just longing for quiet right now, but only because I haven't really had any.

You know the feeling that you've been running, and running, and running? Things just speed by without you paying attention. And then, I got sick. I'm still nursing the congestion, but at least my joints aren't aching and my skin isn't so sensitive.

That is what I've been feeling like for a while. And now, I'm ready to slow down again. I want to savor moments. I want to sit and watch the snow, without my thoughts drifting to class lessons, holiday To Do's and mailing out parcels. Curl up with a good book, lots of blankets, and playing in the snow.

I am full aware that the longing is because I've not been making these things a priority. I've somehow gotten caught up in the running around, and lost focus on what is in front of me. I've been scattering my energies, and the long night is rather symbolic of pulling myself back in, rediscovering what I want.

So, that's where I am this night before the longest night of the year. Welcome winter. Welcome reflection. Welcome peace.

Making the most of snowy days...

When it's too cold to venture outside, we reccomend baking:

When you get 4 inches, and it's warm enough to go out, then, it's most fun to sled.

For the last 4 winters, my sweet Pook has had a variety of reactions to the snow. First, she hated it and cried because of the cold. She was 8 months. Second winter, when she was 1 and a half, she cried, but sledded a bit, and helped with a snow man. Third winter, there was lots of giggles and the desire to build a snowman, but you had to sled with her.

Forth winter:

It's all about independence.

Yup... winter is here.

Might provide pics for everyone later. But for now, there is snow. Though the grass still peeks through, the powdery white goodness is on the roof, the ground, and all around. Yay - it is winter!

And, hubby's home today.

Unfortunately, hubby's home, because I'm in bed. Yup, typing to my bloggity readers, while longingly looking out the window, ignoring the overall achiness of my body, and blowing my nose on occasion.

The good news is, my awesomely wonderful and marvelously great hubby is making lunch, and has been taking sweet care of me today. He's also been taking time to play with sweet lil Pook, who is SO excited! (Especially because Momma was a lump on the log yesterday, and has been praising the wonders of Tylenol - yes, I'm even taking TYLENOL! with my herbal tea goodness.)

I am so in love with this man... and he continues to amaze me each and every day.

Sweetie - you are the best.

A Quiet Sunday

Yesterday was the most splendid day. Actually, this whole weekend was quite lovely. But yesterday - it snowed! AND Daddy was home to enjoy it with us.

I love snow. I love it more when Da Hub gets to enjoy it with us. Of course, he was shoveling the sidewalk during Pook's and my outdoor walk. But he was home, and when he looked out the window, I could move up behind him, wrap my arms round his waist, and hold tight.

While walking in the snow, I am still amazed and enthralled by the quietness outside. I thought, that it being Sunday, there would be kids on sleds - but they didn't emerge until afternoon sometime. And so, sweet Pook and I walked among snowflakes, leaving foot prints.

At times, there were two sets, other times one set - from when I carried her, or she walked in mine. I'd pick her up, and she'd dust the powdery snow from my hood. Too bad it wasn't good packing snow, else, I'd have a picture of a snow man to share. But maybe, just maybe we'll get out and play in it today.

I was also blissfully aware of the flakes, and managed to notice 3 perfectly shaped (as though carefully cut from the ice) flower and crystal shaped flakes. I marveled, dared not breathe, as I watched them melt. Bliss.

For dinner, I made homeade lentil soup, to compliment homeade bread. Pook, ate 3 bowls of it!

I had a chance to read, relax, snuggle - and even let go of a huge chunk of my past.

You see, I'd had 6 binders of email tips, exercises (mental, physical, spiritual), dream house bits (pictures, paitn swatches, rooms)... and Da hub and I sat down, whilst Pook watched Robin Hood, and went through ALL of them.

Somethings, I saved (we're down to 1 binder). Others, he had to throw away for me. But by the end, I was able to toss. I'd held on to these things for over 8 years, some maybe even over 10 years. I've never once referred to them. After I read them, in they'd go. In some cases, I never even read them, just shoved them in.

And so now, I've got 5 empty binders.

At first, I was panicked! But as the day passed on, I felt freer and lighter. Just looking at those binders had been stressing me out. Even the house binder - with pictures, paint swatches, and designs of our dream home - GONE! Now, I feel free to accept a gift of a house, instead of trying to control and plan each and every detail. It's exciting to be open to possibilities, I might not be, because I'd closed them off.

And so, last night, as we all snuggled into sleep, upon fresh flannel sheets, I smiled as I realized the gift this day had been.

200th Post and More Snow

It's my 200th post. Wow. Have I really written so much?

Yes. And each time I write, it frees up a part of my mind, providing clarity. I've always been a writer, in that I love to write. This blog has been a great outlet for me.

Today it snowed again. Pook was excited beyond belief. She was especially excited when she realized that she could leave foot prints. She made a snow rainbow with her lil friends.

She even made a snowman with her friends. Though good for skiing, our snow was not good for packing, so the snowman looks like he's melting.

The one thing this winter's snow has taught me, is that sometimes, you need to just leave things and go play in it. If you wait until the afternoon, it might be melted and gone, and then you've nothing to play in.

This winter, I'm all about getting outside in the snow. Pook loves it, and I get to recconect with something greater - nature and the outdoors.

So here's to the footprints we leave, and the blogs that we read. May you always get the chance to play in the snow, before it's gone.

Happy Winter!

Well, it's officially Winter. Happy Solistice!

I'm starting to realize, that this past week things have been surfacing, manifested in familial grumpiness all around. Pook's been acting out, demanding all sorts of attention. I feel I've been neglecting her, as I scurry about making sure gifts are wrapped and packed, cleaning is done, laundry completed, playdates kept... and even my darling hubby's given into the grumpiness.

I've been snippy (doesn't help where I am at cyclewise either), impatient, snappy, and not very Christmassy the last few days. It bothers me that I'm at that point where I am looking forward to it all being over and done with.

So this morning, in the quiet of the darkness, I am taking time to look into my heart and dig up the joy that I know that's there. This Christmas, I'll get to see my sweet nephew on Christmas morning and open gifts with him and my family, just like old times - and I'm estatic! Especially because I don't know when I'll have this opportunity again.

My mother loves Christmas. I don't know if they'll have the Marth Stewartish tree this year, due to my sweet nephew, but I don't care. I love my ILs, but they just don't savor or celebrate the holidays, even birthdays, like we do.

I was raised to celebrate life each moment that it presents. Each holiday, when I was able to attend the familial functions on a consistent basis, I always remember that feeling of celebration, FAMILY, and laughter. There were always lots of hugs, grandma kisses, good food, and a general atmostphere that you were loved.

My ILs aren't very huggy-feely people, though they've gotten moreso since the pook. And my DMIL, comes from a culture where displays of affection are frowned on. So, there is always a coldness there, that isn't with my family. I understand and accept it, but I still feel uncomfortable around it.

Mind you, each family has it's own issues at times! And each family has points that I appreciate. But I love the feeling of love, the hugs... regardless of the underlying issues, there is always that love. And this year, I'm going to bask in it full force!

Week's Prose

Sweet silence of morning, dappled with bird calls. Blessed with a clear head, my work completed swiftly and with focus (this morning at least), blogs and other addictive material avoided.

I sit here, calm, caught up, Pookie sleeping soundly still. There's a stillness, even as my fingers dance upon the clicking keys.

Snow has fallen, leaving a powdered-sugary coating upon the ground and houses. Cars are warming up, the steam blending up and into the environment.

It's been an interesting week. Tuesday was a full moon, and the way the day worked out, just seemed as though I was meant to be there for someone grienving so much in her life - dead father and best friend. One she feels taken too soon, the other a long cancerous process. She just turned 28 - that age when the universal cosmos comes together to check on your and see where you are on your life path - not always pleasant for some, and virtually clear sailing for others. Yet, there always seems to be something.

Hubby's been tired and not sleeping well, though he's been handling the grumpiness and sniffles quite well. Although I suspect he'll be crashing this weekend into the soft bed that brings him comfort, and downing the NyQuil that brings him relief. At least he'll be home early today.

This morning pook lays sleeping in bed, curled amongst pillows, her body cuddled within the covers that she kicks off in sleep. She is a precious jewel, warm and fragile, as I tenderly kiss her blushed cheek. I adore this soft being, cringing as she coughs in sleep. But, to the doctor today, to make sure it's nothing serious.

And so I sit here, typing, filling my body with water, as my liver's not been too happy with the continual chocolate and comfort foods I've been eating as though it were my only thread to freedom of the stress I've been not dealing with in regards to having to work this weekend. Though this morning, I feel as though I can cut down on the intake of it at least. At least I don't drink. :)

And so sweet Friday is hear, with Shamrocks and green galore, and snowy fervor. Though part Irish, I'm not one to celebrate this holiday, although as a child corned beef and cabbage was ingested this day. But not today. Nope, tonight it will be Italian lasagne shared with our small family and a visiting friend.

Here's hoping for a peaceful and rejuvenating weekend to all, I know it's much needed after this last weekend for us.

And so the light comes forth yet again...

Cycles.

The word is full of them. Winter Solstice was yesterday, and not the cycle of the sun returning and days growning longer begins. The moon cycles from darkness to fullness, with halves in between. You've got the tides of the oceans, also based on moon rhythms. The seasonal cycles as well.

I'm particularly fond of the seasonal cycles. I'm starting to honor them. For instance, in fall, I'm hit with a massive urge to declutter, shed things, and prepare for the quietness of winter. In winter, we hibernate and honor the quietness of winter. (If you've even been outdoors in the woods, when it snows, it's incredibly quiet.) In spring, I'm ready to be social and bloom again. And in summer, it's time to relish in the sun, the harvest, good fun, and be cleansed by swimming outdoors.

Women have menstrual cycles. (So, if you're a man or a woman reading this, and uncomfortable with discussing or reading about women's monthly cycles, you might just want to skip these next four paragraphs.) And, if we pay attention, you can sense through the course of 28 days, how your body and mood changes and shifts. It's really quite marvelous. For instance, I've realized that after my utterus has cleansed itself, I'm pumped, energized, and refreshed. It's pretty obvious when I'm ovulating (just ask my hubby). If I really pay attention, I actually can feel it. And right before, I'm sluggish and swollen, as my body prepares to cleanse itself.

Most women aren't happy with the cramping or the bleeding. In fact, many of the connotations associated with our monthly cycles are negative. After all, many feel it interupts things, and gets in the way. "Aunt Flo is visiting", "on the rag", and "period" are few of the terms (the nicer ones) used to speak in code about it. I've heard other women get excited about menopause - because then they can get on with their lives uninterupted. (I could go off on a tangent with this, but perhaps I'll remember to return to it at a later time.)

The fact is - it's natural. It happens, it's a way to be connected with life. I use my cycle to get in tune with myself. It reminds me to slow down and nurture myself while my body sheds and rejuvenates itself. It gives me a chance to get intouch with my inner feelings (have you realized just how hard it is to surpress how you "really" feel when your hormones are surging?) and deal with them. I've found that I need more sleep, warm foods, naps, and to just slow down in general just before and the first few days of the bleeding. I also become extremely cuddly and loving (after the cranky mood).

And so, when my cycle runs it's course, and I prepare to shed the inner uterine lining, I put my hand over my womb, thank it for being fertile and cleansing, and reminding me each month, that I need to take care of me once in a while. I enjoy being a woman, and, having my own special cycle to celebrate it. But then, that's just me.

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Okay, for those too squeamish, I'm done. :)

In any case, I always find it interesting to see the cycles in things. We've all got them. And we've got the choice to celebrate them, or ignore them, or ocmplain about them.

And that's my two cents for today.