It's been quite a while...

I've had to step away, and I'm not quite sure if I'm stepping back fully or not. You see, for the last 3-4 weeks, I've been immobilized by a back injury. In these 3-4 weeks, I've been forced to be still, rely on others for help, take a leave of absence from work, and I've been working on healing, which is happening but at a very slow rate - but it's happening.

In the course of a few days (interestingly enough corresponding with my husband's new hair cut and declaration that our lives need to change and transition), I found myself in severe pain due to (what would be discovered a few days later) a herniated disc (disc fragment) in the L5-S1 range.

I was give quite a few options: traction, steroids, or surgery. I've opted to do the traction to see if it would improve things, and it has been. Slowly, but surely.

Being still, I have realized just how fast my life has been spiraling. My children have grown in leaps and bounds. And over the last year and a half, I've been longing to slow down. One might argue that the universe was listening, because right now, I've been forced to slow down.

I don't think I've been more aware of the feel of my eldest's cheek, how large my youngest's hands are, the comfort holding my husband's hand brings (since hugging and snuggling are challenging). Through all of this, I find myself longing to write about it. To share what I've learned from my situation, and possibly about myself.

I'm not sure that I want to include it here... because I feel the need to give it it's own space to grow or pitter out if that is the case. It's a journey for certain. I suppose it's just a matter of taking the first step.

Join me if you wish... 

 http://playfulgracefulsteps.blogspot.com/

Advice

Perhaps I need to start receiving some of the advice that I've been giving as of late. I gave this to a friend who's going through a really hard time, and yet, I keep find myself reading it over and over again...

It was then I realized, maybe this isn't just for me, and someone else needs to hear it as well... and so, I'll share...

((HUGS)) Go outside. Feel the sun on your face. Take a deep breath. Life happens.
And when things happen that leave us feeling knocked down and dragged out, it's time to find moments that enable us to rejuvenate, if not in big ways, then small ones. And don't be afraid to feel it.
Let yourself feel the disappointment, anger, and frustration - cry, work through it and get it out -
don't hold it in.
And then let yourself feel, really deep-down feel, a hug, a breeze on a sunny day, the flowers blooming around you, the laughter of a child... because it's all there. It's all life. Feel the sorrow, let it go.
Feel the love. The love, it's always there. And helps to get us through the other stuff.
Thinking of you... wishing you moments of peace amidst the challenges.
"This too will pass."

Life Shifts

One day, you find yourself trapped in a box of your own making that limits you in ways you weren't aware of. Perhaps you wake up and realize what you've been missing, or maybe suddenly you can clearly see the walls of your own creation. And then, you have a choice. Will you stay in the box? Or will you let the walls fall and move forward into the world outside?

This last week, I let my walls fall. I took a deep breathe, and stepped out and did things I haven't done before. It was scary at first, but seriously invigorating proving to myself that YES, I CAN do this. And do it I did. And I did it again. And again.

And I made a decision, maybe more than one, to really LIVE and embrace my life. I didn't realize I wasn't doing that until recently. And it's made a huge difference.

With a simple shift in perspective, I have shifted my life. And I'm quite happy with the results.

March Mindfulness

March has always been a bittersweet month for me. It's the month when I celebrate the birth of my father and brother, and my grandfather until he passed. It's also the birthdays of two other sweet friends. It contains the spring equinox, bringing us one step closer to April and spring.

It has also been the month of letting go. Two of my grandparents let go of life in this month, and my husband's grandfather as well. Last year, I witnessed the letting go of a friendship before my eyes, that resulted in me letting go and stepping back.

And thus, I've always watched it approach with a strange anticipation and fearfulness. This year, I want to associate it with something more positive. So, I'm dubbing it "Mindful March" or instead of March Madness, we can have March Mindfulness.

I'm not sure yet, how I want to celebrate this month. I am thinking of capturing photos, which help me to slow down. And finding ways to be fully present in the various areas of my life. Perhaps, I'll commit to blogging about it. We shall see...

It looks as though I'm not the only one focusing on mindfulness this month either. (I can't help it, after I thought of it, I had to google it to see if I was the only one to connect March and Mindfulness.) Shambala Sun appears to be focusing on this topic as well for their March 2010 issue.

Any they've got some great sources of information:

A peak into the March 2010 Issue

How to Do Mindfulness Meditation

10 Tips for a Mindful Home

So, this March, I'm going to practice being Mindful. Anyone else wish to join me?

Let's Do It

It's that time of year again. Only a few more days until 2010 begins, and I'm feeling the urge to purge on many levels.

In terms of the house, I want to go through every nook and cranny and just let it go. Too long I've been holding on to things "just in case" and now I realize, that this is more that just decluttering for me. It's about making space in my life, daring to let go of things so that I can make "make space for what really matters - old or new" (as a good friend wrote). In a way too, it's taking a step in faith - trusting that I'll be provided for on some level.

In terms of my body, I've been eating foods that I don't even like, that don't make me feel good. Add to that my youngest's food allergies, and I'm thinking it's time to purge the pantry, to make room for the good stuff. Maybe even purge the cook books too.

In terms of homeschooling, we've been hitting the books hard, and sacrificing afternoons of reading and spontaneous art projects that haven't been "planned". It's time to find that balance and figure out what exactly I want to do. It's time to purge and release what isn't working.

In terms of time, I've been spending too much of it in ways that I'd rather be spending doing something else. So, I'm hoping to figure out ways to save time and make the most of it, and eventually, find the courage to purge a few time-sucking things to boot.

So, starting tomorrow, it begins. I'm taking advantage of this mood. Anyone want to jump aboard?

Let's do it.

Taking steps after the unraveling and the leaves have fallen

Falling leaves and yarn - what could they possibly have in common? Well, both are present come fall, as that's when my yarn addiction kicks in, and also, when the leaves change and let go. There is usually a lot of color. Yay! Both of these activities involve letting go - the yarn with patterns that don't work and the leaves to prepare for winter. And, both completely apply to our family at the moment.

We've been unraveling here and there - those things that haven't been working. In some cases we've started over, only to realize that doesn't work either. Some parts that are left, have a good foundation, and we've kept that. Other things, are being unraveled completely. And there are still those favorite project that are finished and just right that are being kept. It's all good.

It's time for a change. There are only a few trees left with their leaves, and soon those too will change and fall, leaving the trunk of the tree bare and easy to see. In many ways, I feel that in our own family, we've been shedding our "leaves", and now we are getting a clear look at what has been under them. And, in order to grow, we realized we'd benefit with a bit of pruning and going within.

Hubby and I have been taking a good look at our lives, and we've come to a few realizations/revelations:

• We aren't eating as healthy as we could be, and the affects are showing.
• We also need to start seriously looking into recipes for Squeak. Right now, she's still working through her eating issues. Eventually though, she'll be eating real foods. Which means we're enjoying eggs and wheat while we can. Eventually, it'll be banned from the house.
  
• When things get to us, we have turned to food or material things. This has not benefited our finances in the least.
• We've not been keeping up with the decluttering - and it's showing.
  
• It's time to be more aware of our spending. This year, we've not been keeping track, and it's showing. It's time to reel it in.
• Our attitudes have been, as of late, not the best they can be. Lack of sleep has left us a bit snippy, and it's reflected through our house. So, it's time for a shift.
  

On the positive side,

• We've discovered (or rediscovered in many cases) a positive and supportive network of friends who have been incredibly amazing, helping us to grow and change in many ways.
• We are realizing what's most beneficial for our family, and taking steps to make it happen.
  

So, I'm posting them here for accountability, for you dear readers to see.

Dealing with a life storm

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."-Vivian Green.

Yesterday, we took our 1YO to the allergist. She still won't eat baby food. She flat out refuses it. She won't put things into her mouth either. At first, we thought it was a texture thing, or that she wasn't ready for food. Turns out it was something more than that.

She's had weird reactions to 2 foods, so we suspected something. Apparently, when a baby refuses food, it could be because it is an allergy, as was the case with our babe.

Things have been working out for us, in a very synchronistic manner. Due to the implementation of a new computer program, we ended up with a different doctor (the other one we happen to like). Turns out, he has a child with food allergies. We ended up going to the allergist he recommended, and ended up getting in yesterday due to a cancellation.

They did the prick test on her back. Her tiny little back was filled with welts - poor babe was even sensitive to the saline. We've discovered that she's extremely allergic to wheat and egg, following comes coconut, rye, oats, and probably barley.

Knowing she had food allergies was daunting, though not nearly as scary as learning how to use an epi-pen, and finding out each one gives you 15 minutes before it wears off. That's 15 - 30 (you usually are prescribed 2) to get your child to the hospital. That was the scary part.

At first, I felt really overwhlemed. Today, I am feeling better about things. I am deciding to be positive about this and look at it in a creative sense.

I get to figure out new recipes, and maybe even do so with a friend. The amount of support I've recieved has been seriously overwhelming in a good way. We've decided to make a positive dietary change for all of us, and try new things.

There is a chance, and the hope, that she'll grow out of this. Until then, we are choosing to make the most of it. It's a good thing we like to dance - when it's dry and in the rain.

Interesting discussion

Today, I've been taking part in an interesting discussion involving this article:
Do you complain too much?

The author of the article tries to stop complaining for 5 days or so according to the popular program outlined in the book A Complaint Free World and tries to curb negativity, one gripe at a time. In the end, she chooses to continue griping and complaining.

This brought up some really great food for thought involving how we define complaining, when or if it's okay to complain, how a few people feel that denying there is a problem and holding it in is not good... lot's of great things to think about.

I had been thinking about challenging myself to 40 days of gratitude and awareness of my own complaining, until my friend Ed offered one that feels more suitable: instead of dwelling in the thing you want to avoid, move on. When you notice it creep into your life acknowledge it and yourself as human, recognize it's not on the path of where you need to go, and move on. Why give something you don't want associated with you such power over your life for 40 seconds, much less 40 days?

Powerful stuff, yes indeed.