On March 6th, my grandmother passed away. Though we knew it would come eventually, death still seems to sweep me from my feet. This time around, I found myself retreating to the inner, as opposed to reaching out. I did reach out in the beginning, but then, I felt like a shy hermit crab, and quickly retreated into my shell.
I have been treasuring those friends who understand and have respected this time, and the little messages they've sent to me to remind me that they are there for me if I need them. Each message has been taken to heart, and held close.
This week, I'm stepping out again - slowly, cautiously. It started yesterday with brief excursion to a Reiki shares. I know that I can not hide in my shell forever, and this week, the air doesn't seem as heavy and my throat does not feel as tight.
Step by step, I'll come out into the sunlight again, but for now, there is something so potent for me about closing off and shelling up. By turning inward, it has enabled me to take a good look at things I normally wouldn't. Perhaps, when I feel up to it, I'll explore that further here. But for now, I am content to just be, to just peek out here and there, to take my time and enjoy the silence.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Growth. Love. Change.
13 weeks along. 13 weeks into my second pregnancy. This means I'm "officially" into the second trimester.
My belly is growing. No longer do my jeans fit, and there is a definite pooch there. My body is shifting, changing, growing. And in my belly a little life likes to move around and make his presence known to us. He likes to "blip" against his daddy's hand, and I think he enjoys his sister's laugh.
Now, we don't know the sex yet, but as Pook has determined that Baby is going to be a brother, we've just started to refer to him for now. We'll know at the end of this month (hopefully).
Sweet Pook is changing and growing. Her favorite fuzzy pants were taken down to be saved for the next one, as they leave itchy marks on her skin. Just last week - they seemed fine. She's reading now. As I type, she sits on the couch sounding out words from the library book she selected yesterday. She knows basic math skills. She wants to do more things on her own. She picks out her clothes, and doesn't like it if they match. She prefers a vast amount of colors. She will proudly tell you that she's a big sister. She's only four for another month and a half...
I spent the first three months filled with worry, sick for two of them, crying at the drop of a hat (oh, wait, I still do that), and just generally feeling awful. As I move into the second trimester (and possibly my body is getting used to the hormones raging through it), I am coming into a sense of peace, a sense of confidence as opposed to the sense of doubt from the first trimester.
I've made peace and am accepting many things in my life: my amazing and ever-changing Pook, my growing and changing body, that this time I'm in my 30s and pregnant - and it does make a difference, the limitations of my body, that it's okay to honor my need to pull away for a while, that I don't "have to" do anything, that sometimes "the road not taken" is the road that is right for us...
Recently, I've been experimenting. I've given myself permission to do nothing and permission to not do what I feel I "have to". Ironically, I think I've been getting more done. :)
This pregnancy is turning into a journey where I'm learning a lot about myself, my family, and my friends. I'm respecting what is best for me, even when other people disagree with my decision. I've realized that I like things simple, comforting, and peaceful. My family radiates from this type of environment. My relationship with hubby blossoms in this type of environment.
For a long time I felt that I wasn't doing enough or being enough because we weren't involved in a ton of activities, or I'd choose to stay home if the weather was bad and schools were still open, or when we didn't sleep well the night before. I'd watch pregnant moms be like wonder woman and wonder what was up with me?
And then I realized - I'm not like other moms. I don't think I ever will be. :) And that's okay.
My belly is growing. No longer do my jeans fit, and there is a definite pooch there. My body is shifting, changing, growing. And in my belly a little life likes to move around and make his presence known to us. He likes to "blip" against his daddy's hand, and I think he enjoys his sister's laugh.
Now, we don't know the sex yet, but as Pook has determined that Baby is going to be a brother, we've just started to refer to him for now. We'll know at the end of this month (hopefully).
Sweet Pook is changing and growing. Her favorite fuzzy pants were taken down to be saved for the next one, as they leave itchy marks on her skin. Just last week - they seemed fine. She's reading now. As I type, she sits on the couch sounding out words from the library book she selected yesterday. She knows basic math skills. She wants to do more things on her own. She picks out her clothes, and doesn't like it if they match. She prefers a vast amount of colors. She will proudly tell you that she's a big sister. She's only four for another month and a half...
I spent the first three months filled with worry, sick for two of them, crying at the drop of a hat (oh, wait, I still do that), and just generally feeling awful. As I move into the second trimester (and possibly my body is getting used to the hormones raging through it), I am coming into a sense of peace, a sense of confidence as opposed to the sense of doubt from the first trimester.
I've made peace and am accepting many things in my life: my amazing and ever-changing Pook, my growing and changing body, that this time I'm in my 30s and pregnant - and it does make a difference, the limitations of my body, that it's okay to honor my need to pull away for a while, that I don't "have to" do anything, that sometimes "the road not taken" is the road that is right for us...
Recently, I've been experimenting. I've given myself permission to do nothing and permission to not do what I feel I "have to". Ironically, I think I've been getting more done. :)
This pregnancy is turning into a journey where I'm learning a lot about myself, my family, and my friends. I'm respecting what is best for me, even when other people disagree with my decision. I've realized that I like things simple, comforting, and peaceful. My family radiates from this type of environment. My relationship with hubby blossoms in this type of environment.
For a long time I felt that I wasn't doing enough or being enough because we weren't involved in a ton of activities, or I'd choose to stay home if the weather was bad and schools were still open, or when we didn't sleep well the night before. I'd watch pregnant moms be like wonder woman and wonder what was up with me?
And then I realized - I'm not like other moms. I don't think I ever will be. :) And that's okay.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)