On March 6th, my grandmother passed away. Though we knew it would come eventually, death still seems to sweep me from my feet. This time around, I found myself retreating to the inner, as opposed to reaching out. I did reach out in the beginning, but then, I felt like a shy hermit crab, and quickly retreated into my shell.
I have been treasuring those friends who understand and have respected this time, and the little messages they've sent to me to remind me that they are there for me if I need them. Each message has been taken to heart, and held close.
This week, I'm stepping out again - slowly, cautiously. It started yesterday with brief excursion to a Reiki shares. I know that I can not hide in my shell forever, and this week, the air doesn't seem as heavy and my throat does not feel as tight.
Step by step, I'll come out into the sunlight again, but for now, there is something so potent for me about closing off and shelling up. By turning inward, it has enabled me to take a good look at things I normally wouldn't. Perhaps, when I feel up to it, I'll explore that further here. But for now, I am content to just be, to just peek out here and there, to take my time and enjoy the silence.
2 comments:
As odd as it may sound, there is something deeply healthy about taking some time and just exploring grief. Too often I think we try and avoid it, fast forward past it, try to overcome it, or overpower it. I know when my mother passed away my life became a 70's movie montage that laster over many months. I think I really thought I could outrun loss, or hide it by focusing elsewhere.
I'm sorry I caught the news of her passing so long after the fact. Appreciate these chances to feel loss, it means the spirit of your grandmother is still fresh in your memory and experiences. It's never something to apologize for, or feel "behind schedule" getting passed.
I so needed to hear that right now. Thanks...
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