Handling the Holidays

This holiday we did several things:

* Decided what our goals were and what we wanted from this holiday season.

* Said No. A lot.

* Decided what traditions we liked, didn’t, and wanted to start. (Did this with activities as well.)

* Simplified gift giving to the extreme.

* Scheduled special things for the family and just for me

* Most importantly – agreed to not freak out if everything didn’t get done on the list.

What type of holiday do you want?

Last year’s holiday was so totally chaotic and stressful for me. Add to that discovering I was pregnant and we were sick most of the time… well, it was not the holiday we wanted it to be. So, this year we decided we wanted a holiday filled with joy, family time, PEACE, gratitude, relaxation, and wonder. Keeping these words in my head helped me to focus on what it was all about for us.

Saying No.

This has always been hard for me, but this year, it got easier, and will be easier now that I’ve felt the benefits. We said no to travel, no to cookie baking (oh the horror, I know – but this year it made a world of difference!), no to certain gifts (more on this later), no to Christmas lights, no to spending time with people we didn’t want to, no to a variety of things… and guess what? It gave us time to say yes to things we really wanted to do.

Now, next year, I may want to bake cookies. This year, we didn’t get around to it. Next year, I may want to travel. I have given myself permission to change my mind. And that’s just fine.

Oh, and my favorite phrases for which to say no are:

* I have plans.

* If you need an answer right now, I have to say no.

* That’s not possible.

I’ve found that if you offer excuses or reasons someone is guaranteed to counter argue you, and it’s not worth it.

Traditions and lists

I didn’t realize until this year that traveling was totally stressful for me. Trying to see a ton of people in a short amount of time, missing out on those individual connections, and dealing with hurt feelings of people we didn’t get together with is not enjoyable for me. It was nice to not have to deal with any of that.

I also discovered we’d started several traditions – Christmas-tide activities, decorating a gingerbread house, dinner with friends, watching Christmas movies, dancing and singing to Christmas songs with the kids, made pinecone birdfeeders, etc. All of these things filled me to the brim with joy.

I was also very aware not to over schedule things. We determined how many activities, and when we did them, and what was best for us. Instead of exhausting ourselves with 3 and 4 activities a weekend, we choose to do 1 or 2 instead.

And, I’ve made a list, checked it twice, included what activities we didn’t want to do, and those that were nice. It’s made it easier to say no and plan things.

Gift Giving

We keep this extremely simple. (Some people feel it’s too simple, and that’s cool as you need to find what works best for you.) About 15 years ago, I was giving gifts to 60 or more people a year – to far removed acquaintances and out of guilt. Then, I got married and hubby was more than a little freaked out by the bills from our first Christmas.

So, we talked it over and decided that we were only giving gifts to our immediate family: our kids, our parents, our nephew, each other, and maybe a few other people depending on the situation. Everyone else gets experiences. My favorite is the dinner hubby makes for certain friends each year, or having people up for a weekend at our “B&B”. Gifts have become so much more meaningful.

I also start the gifts in September. Grandfathers get a calendar with pics (which I update through the year). The moms get books they are interested in. My nephew got a magazine subscription. And – we ordered most of the things online to save going to the stores. As we are big into keeping clutter out of our house, we really try to give gifts that can be used or that we know for certain will be enjoyed.

Scheduling

This year we did a lot of family activities together, and I also did a few things for me. I made sure I had time to paint. I went out with a friend for cocoa. I found time to read, journal, blog, exercise and do yoga. All of these things made a huge difference, “filling my tank” so that I could remain calm and peaceful through out the season. And jolly. Doing these things for me helped me to be very jolly indeed.

Most Important

Agreeing to not freak out if things didn’t get done, gave me permission to let things be and not worry if things didn’t happen according to plan. And if I did freak out, I could do it for a little bit, and then let it go. Out of everything, it made the most difference.

Happy Winter!

Well, it's officially Winter. Happy Solistice!

I'm starting to realize, that this past week things have been surfacing, manifested in familial grumpiness all around. Pook's been acting out, demanding all sorts of attention. I feel I've been neglecting her, as I scurry about making sure gifts are wrapped and packed, cleaning is done, laundry completed, playdates kept... and even my darling hubby's given into the grumpiness.

I've been snippy (doesn't help where I am at cyclewise either), impatient, snappy, and not very Christmassy the last few days. It bothers me that I'm at that point where I am looking forward to it all being over and done with.

So this morning, in the quiet of the darkness, I am taking time to look into my heart and dig up the joy that I know that's there. This Christmas, I'll get to see my sweet nephew on Christmas morning and open gifts with him and my family, just like old times - and I'm estatic! Especially because I don't know when I'll have this opportunity again.

My mother loves Christmas. I don't know if they'll have the Marth Stewartish tree this year, due to my sweet nephew, but I don't care. I love my ILs, but they just don't savor or celebrate the holidays, even birthdays, like we do.

I was raised to celebrate life each moment that it presents. Each holiday, when I was able to attend the familial functions on a consistent basis, I always remember that feeling of celebration, FAMILY, and laughter. There were always lots of hugs, grandma kisses, good food, and a general atmostphere that you were loved.

My ILs aren't very huggy-feely people, though they've gotten moreso since the pook. And my DMIL, comes from a culture where displays of affection are frowned on. So, there is always a coldness there, that isn't with my family. I understand and accept it, but I still feel uncomfortable around it.

Mind you, each family has it's own issues at times! And each family has points that I appreciate. But I love the feeling of love, the hugs... regardless of the underlying issues, there is always that love. And this year, I'm going to bask in it full force!

A gift revolution...

I just had to share the coolest idea. Instead of exchanging gifts each year, my friend and her hubby create experiences together. They do things they've never done before - like the opera or symphony. Or, they do simple things like going to the zoo, a weekend in Gettysburg, etc.

How cool is this?

Recently, we've been discussing gifts in regards to our kiddos, and came up with an awesome idea. Instead of exchanging material gifts or toys, we will make plans to create an experience for the kids. Be it the zoo, a park, etc., we'll all get to hang out and see each other. We'll take lots of pictures, and then each girl will put together a scrapbook page for the other's book.

Of course, this means I get to embark on scrap booking, which I'm not sure how I feel about. The little doodads and stuff are cute, but that means investing in bits and bobs, that I don't know if I'm ready for yet.

In any case, I'm sure it's going to be beautiful regardless, and a neat project for me and the Pook.

Holiday Hectiness - a vent of sorts

I'm not sure why I never noticed it before, but the holidays seem to catch me off guard each year. For some reason, in my mind at least, I just don't want to do much of anything between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

And I can't help being aware of the fact that I feel an incredible amount of relief once the holiday and season is over, which is ironic considering how excited I am when I start off!

Hubby's been telling me for years how stressful this time of year it is for us, and I've been... well, gosh, I've been in denial (I can be so good at this!). But he's right, and I'll elaborate for you.

You see, my parents are divorced (and thankfully not remarried or it might be more challenging). Hubby's are not. My mom has one brother. My dad has two. Hubby's dad has 5 other siblings. His mom's siblings are in another country.

There was a good ten year stint after the divorce where I believed my dad's side of the family didn't love me and wanted nothing to do with me, which made holidays a breeze, as I was unmarried, and therefore joyously celebrated Thanksgiving with my dear aunt, uncle, mom and grams, as well as Christmas.

And then, my grandfather, my dad's father, ended up in the hospital for his last visit. Perhaps I'll blog about that experience some other time, but for now, I'll skip to the part where I ended up reconnecting with Dad's family, while visiting my sweet Popop in his last days.

In any case, this now meant I was officially invited to my Aunt P's house for Thanksgiving, which, mind you is HER holiday. Seriously, the food that is served makes your mouth water just to hear the menu. It's a big deal.

Now, by this time, Hubby and I had begun dating, so he tagged along. It was the first Thanksgiving I didn't spend at my uncle R's, and I missed them. Christmas was back with my mom's, and we fit in Hub's family too.

When we moved to WV, there was usually only one holiday to contend with, as we decided that we'd either go back for Thanksgiving or Christmas - not both. And, we need to shuffle around three families. For a while, we'd spend Christmas with hubby's family, the day after with my mom, and we'd make other arrangements for dad's. (And let me tell you right here and now, that I do know that I'm lucky I only need to worry about 3 familes, where as my brother married a beautiful gal who's parents are divorced too... and it gets crazy.)

This worked for a while - until the Pook came along.

Now, everyone wants to see us and the Pook - on the day of the Holiday.

And then, there's the guilt. My family seems to "win-out" over hubby's family. But then, when we visit, we stay with my ILs, so my family feels slighted. Although, it used to be we'd just do things with my family, and his really was slighted, but I've been trying really hard to balance everything.

This year, my grams (mom's mom) is going through altziemer stages, and my mom and uncle are having a really rough time. Suddenly, being there on the 26th (her birthday) is not okay. She wants to open presents with Pook Christmas morning. So, we rearrange our plans so that we are there Christmas morning, and having dinner with the ILs. Thank God my DMIL is hosting a gathering so that I can invite my dad's family and hubby's family so we'll get to see them. (Last year, we did spent Christmas with them.)

In any case, I think we are getting to the point where we just don't want to come back for the holidays. (Next year, we won't be coming back for Christmas, as it's a weekday, and I promised my Aunt P we'd be there for Thanksgiving, which you can bet is going to go over well with my mom.)

*Sigh*

I know full well that making everyone happy is a virtually impossible task. Hubby doesn't like to drive all over God's creation to visit people, which limits things even more. I love being with my family, even hubby's family, but it seems everyone has their way, their own plans, their out holiday rituals, and, well, I'm just too pooped to do it all.

*Sigh*

So, what's a girl to do? This year, I'm most torn by the fact that my mom has been suffering with watching her mom deteriorate, and that she finally opened up to me about how lonely she feels on the holidays. To me, it's just another day. Maybe one day, when I'm older, I'll feel differently, but for now, it's just a day.
Hecht, after Christmas, we have our own Christmas day with Pook (cause, ya know we've got it in with Santa), for just us up here. And you know what, it doesn't matter what the date is, what matters is that day is sacred to us.

With all this emotional baggage I've been carrying, (and hubby to an extent too) it's no wonder we tense up come November to December, and one of the reasons why we hibernate January to February.

Now, the question is, how can I make this a more loving experience, instead of continuing to get stressed out? (Aside from ditching the holidays altogether.)

This is something I need to ponder on, and that I'm open to suggestions in regards.

Holidays over the years

After responding to Stacie's comment on my last post, I got to thinking about how I used to percieve and celebrate Christmas (and general holidays) versus how I celebrate them now.

For one thing, I'd stock up on sales and gifts throughout the year. Then, I'd forget about said gifts when it came time for the holiday, only to find it a week later when restocking on more things I got on sale for the next year. Mind you, some of these things I just bought on sale, regardless of whether or not the gift recipient might like them. And did I mention, I'd give some sort of gift to every friend or acquaintence I knew?

Then, I'd always think that I needed to add to my decor every year. You know, build it up. Regardless of whether or not I had too much stuff, or if I needed it or not.

When we got married, and my sweet hubby counted that I was planning on getting and giving over 60 some gifts to people, he gave me this "we need to talk" look. We then had a really long talk. I'm blessed with a wonderful hubby, who really gets me to think about things. (And visa versa I hope...) Was it really necessary to give to all these people? (Some of whom I hadn't seen in ages, or years.) Were these people going to appreciate the gifts I'd gotten, or would then end up regifted or given away? Did I have the time to put these things together? Etc. Etc.

The first year, we bought a tree (hub's allergic to the real deal), our own beautiful angel to top it, stockings to hang, and a few greens and things to go around the house. We'd owned our own house now, so there was more to decorate. However, I also inherited an entire box of ornaments, knick-knacks, and other things from my mom's house when we moved.

We put out all the decorations. The next year, there we still decorations in the box, yet, I'd managed to buy more. Thankfully, the gift list had been cut in half, and after calculating how much we had spent for everything, I began to cut it it down again for the next year.

Now, five years later, we have all the decor we need. (Although, there are always a few things I keep on the lookout for - like embroidered hand towels for the kitchen and bath.) We only exchange gifts with immediate family, and a few friends (as opposed to all), and have made other agreements with friends. (Instead of a physical gift, we just get together to spend time together.) Some people get baked goods, some get bought goods, and this year, I'm excited because we're giving a gift that keeps giving to others http://www.heifer.org/ .

I also really think about the gifts I want to give. This has been most prevalent in the last year or so. I try to keep them clutter free (unless it's something I'm sure they'll like and use or keep). If I'm baking, I'll do a bread for some, and I do have special cookie requests I give into each year. I also try to get all gifts ordered and taken care of by early November.

The day after Thanksgiving, the Christmas decor goes up, so I like to be finished with most stuff by then so that we can just kick back and enjoy December. Though I used to enjoy waiting until the mauls... er malls... we decorated in their seasonal glory, now, it's nice to just go and enjoy, without rushing around madly to find certain things.

Sometimes I wonder how my changes will effect our children. I hope in a good way. I learned my habits from my mom, and with the help of my beloved hubby, I've found what works best for me, and for us.

So, hubby, thank you. Thank you for being you, and thank you for encouraging me to be me, and helping me find the simplicity I've been seeking. Granted, I know there are times you'd rather not do gifts at all, but I also know that you know how important it is for me to give something during this time.