does wonders for the soul. and produces more random babbles.
Yesterday I was a bit off. Ended up staying up until 2 am Sunday night, unable to sleep. Today, I'm feeling much better about things in general. I'm not sure why I was feeling so sad, as, I don't often have bouts like that, but today, I'm feeling much lighter.
Every so often, something pops up in my life, be it something I haven't fully dealt with from my past, or some fear about the future. I think that's part of being human. If you don't have fears, or think about the past, you're considered to be enlightened. :) And, I'm not quite there yet. :)
Though I'm usually pretty good about staying in the present, I still have my moments, and this weekend was one of them. But, I really feel as though I'm getting ready to go through another transition. (Only because I usually have these moments right before I have an "OHMYGODTHAT'SWHATITIS!!!!!" moment. Which, I can start to sense that I'm onto some neat discovery about myself, usually one that those close to me already know, and I'm just slow in getting it. Just ask my husband. )
So, in that case, and in that new light, I'm looking forward to see what it's all about. Last night while chatting with the hubby in bed, I discovered I was also feeling a lot of anger towards some people in my life, but mostly myself. In talking, I discovered that the answer was in figuring the source of my anger.
What was interesting, is that I was projecting my anger onto two people that I felt were being disrepectful and pulling me into their dramas. *Screech to a halt* Yeah, I know, well aware that we aren't not pulled into dramas. In many cases people create dramas, then try to pull people into them, but let's be honest - a person willingly enters a drama. So, I got even madder when I realized that I was doing the same thing.
I mean, damn, it's so much easier to blame someone else for them "making you angry" or "pulling you into something", when, in reality, you make a choice. We've always got a choice, even if it's only in how we react to the situation.
So, last night, I was able to remove myself from the situation, and realize - it has nothing to do with me. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to listen to "suggestions" from one person who's going out of town, that her roommate would need extra care during that time. At first, I was ticked off, because she's always asking me to care for and do nice things for this other person, who, according to track record only takes and takes. You've got to personally invite her to things, or she'll get upset. If you don't feed her ego and tell her how much you love her, you aren't a good friend. She's always the vitim, etc. etc. I'm going to stop here.
What I will say though, is that last night, I realized, that I was enabling both of them. These two gals have been having major issues from day one, and instead of dealing with them, they try to suck others into it. And I LET myself get suckered. God I hate admitting that. But it feels good, because now I can step back and let them deal with it.
So today, I'm just feeling better, and not angry. I'm not sad anymore either, but I am still a little "off" for lack of a better word.
Hope everyone else is having a great day.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Late night thoughts
For many of you out there, midnight might not be late, but for me, it's beyond late. I live a simple life. I'm usually in bedfore 9 am, no later than 10. I get up at 5:30-6 am most mornings, by choice, because that's my prime time of the day.
But tonight, tonight sleep teases me.
We were in bed early, by 8:30. My sweet angel daughter curled up besides me in bed (it's a ritual to read to her in the big bed, and snuggle a bit before tucking her into her own). Before long, my sweet angel had found sleep. I gathered her into my arms, and placed her lovingly in bed. Hubby, who was up early to write, was out cold, but present just long enough to roll over and spoon, while tenderly avoiding the sore place on my side. It's been sore for a while, who knows why. I don't know if I bruised a rib, pulled something, or what, but it only hurts when pressure is put upon it.
As I lay there, I knew that sleep would not be coming easy. I felt full from eating foods I don't normally eat. And for some strange reason, my heart was heavy and sad. As I'm not premenstrual, I'm not sure quite why I'm feeling this depth of emotional, but I am.
Perhaps it's because my friend (who's psychic) and I were talking about a dear man - the husband of one of my best friends who's fighting his third (I think) bout with cancer. He made it through the last two when they said he wouldn't, and right now, he's going to Ohio for treament, on top of recieving weekly Reiki treament. He can't do chemo, because of the location - it would destroy his organs.
The first bout was in his brain, the second bout took a kidney. But, he made it through. Last night, my friend and I talked of him. She's been telling me for a while that he's tired, that he wants to let go, but that he's holding on because of those around him who want him to hold on. This bugs me, because I'm one of the ones holding on. He's the sweetest man, and I adore him. And I adore my friend, and I don't want to let him go... but I'm not the maker of that decision.
I can't imagine what his wife, my sweet friend L is feeling. Or if she's ready to let go of the man she calls her soulmate. But for the last few months, he's gone through this new treatment, and the tumor has shrunk. They were just blessed with a grandaughter in January as well.
This could be why my soul is so torn. Perhaps, on a subcouscious level Iv'e started to grieve. I mean, after all, passing over is a way of life. At some point, we will make the decision to leave our physical bodies and go to that place beyond, whatever it be.
Things are always changing, growing, passing. As I held my precious almost-3yr-old in my arms tonight, I wanted to weep so badly, because each day she grows. She was once a tiny babe in my arms, and now, now she talks. She dances, she runs, she places those tiny hands on my face, and pulls my own hand to her face.
Once a week we go to a Kindermusik class, and there is a sister of one of the girls in the class who is about 8 or 9 with blue eyes and hair the color of my child's. And tonight, when I tried to imagine my little one at that age, I wanted to weep. I buried my head against her... to watch her grow... one day she'll be an adult...
Ugh.
Tonight, my heart is heavy with unshed tears. My husband and child sleep in their own beds, blissfully unaware of my saddness. I've been fighting it for the past two hours, but maybe, just maybe I need to weep. To grieve the eventual passing of my dear friend... and to release whatever other grief I might be feeling.
I hate letting go of things that I'm not ready too. I know my daughter is going to grow older, and want her independence, and that is so freakin hard for me, because all I want to do is protect her and keep her innocent from harm, to hold her in my arms, and kiss each tender tear away...
Alas, though she is of my flesh, and I birthed her forth, she is not my possession but her own person. And I wouldn't want her to be any less. Like I said, there are some things, I've yet to let go of.
And so dear readers, I thank you for you patience and endurance of my moment of sadness. My thoughts are clearer than when I began. Perhaps I've made enough room in my mind for sleep to find me.
I hope, that my feeling of saddness is simply a passing thing, and not a sign of something else. When you hang around psychics, you start to pay more attention to your own intuition and latencies I suppose. It's been an interesting ride for me this last year I dare say.
Ah... but before I go... Sarah BanBrathenache suggests we make a list of 101 blessing in our lives... maybe this will help to ease my silent heart burden, eh?
So, here they are, in no particular order other than typing them out, then I'm off to heed the whispers of sleep:
1. Love
2. My child
3. My husband
4. My friend L
5. My friend G
6. Canadian Penguin
7. Canadian Penguin's bro
8. Being able to eat what I choose
9. Being able to see both sides
10. L's farm
11. My nephew
12. Mom
13. Dad
14. DB
15. DSIL
16. ILs
17. a phonecall from Dad
18. dancing by firelight
19. creating personal rituals
20. rhythm of the seaons
21. a clean sheet of paper, ready for painting
22. Living in a home I adore
23. sage green
24. blue sky; white puffy clouds
25. new journal
26. leaves
27. rain
28. moon
29. airplanes
30. boats
31. music
32. drums
33. chickweed
34. My Internet Pals
35. Uncle R
36. Aunt P
37. Sunrise
38. Sunset
39. Compassion
40. A fresh snowfall
41. Spring rain storms
42. sunny days
43. Rainy days
44. a mid afternoon nap
45. my brother's old bed spreads (good for lying on the ground outside all snuggled in)
46. picnics outside
47. picnics inside
48. Good friends
49. tea parties
50. chamomile tea
51. beaches of Taiwan (memories of)
52. walking while holding hands
53. Having family that I enjoy spending time with
54. Freshly cut tulips
55. Fresh flowers
56. Fresh breeze
57. My other friend L
58. My sweet friend P
59. Having a job where I can work from home.
60. horses
61. animals
62. kisses from a child
63 New friend L and her twins
64. The ability to declutter
65. Having a relaxing weekend visit with mom
66. Intuition
67. Being able to go within
68. Flylady
69. Intersting Blogs
70. A crisp fall day
71. A cool summer day
72. Hugs
73. snuggles
74. bouquets of flowers
75. being able to gather fresh eggs, newly laid from a chicken
76. walking the hills
77. knowing the people I know
78. reconnecting with people I once knew
79. being who I am today
80. grace
81. feather pillows
82. picture drawn for me by da pook
83. Grandparents who really love my child
84. having friends that leave you feeling nurtured and loved after a visit
85. knowing that I always have a choice - even if it's how I react
86. being a mom
87. being a wife
88. appreciating the power of nature
89. appreciating my own inner power
90. charcoal gray yoga pants
91. being attuned for Reiki
92. Goddess deck
93. poetry
94. a good, sparkly, glitter pen
95. pommegrantes
96. dark chocolate
97. hot cocoa latte
98. chai latte
99. a good red wine
100. smell of fresh herbs
101. scent after it rains
Good night. Sweet dreams to all...
But tonight, tonight sleep teases me.
We were in bed early, by 8:30. My sweet angel daughter curled up besides me in bed (it's a ritual to read to her in the big bed, and snuggle a bit before tucking her into her own). Before long, my sweet angel had found sleep. I gathered her into my arms, and placed her lovingly in bed. Hubby, who was up early to write, was out cold, but present just long enough to roll over and spoon, while tenderly avoiding the sore place on my side. It's been sore for a while, who knows why. I don't know if I bruised a rib, pulled something, or what, but it only hurts when pressure is put upon it.
As I lay there, I knew that sleep would not be coming easy. I felt full from eating foods I don't normally eat. And for some strange reason, my heart was heavy and sad. As I'm not premenstrual, I'm not sure quite why I'm feeling this depth of emotional, but I am.
Perhaps it's because my friend (who's psychic) and I were talking about a dear man - the husband of one of my best friends who's fighting his third (I think) bout with cancer. He made it through the last two when they said he wouldn't, and right now, he's going to Ohio for treament, on top of recieving weekly Reiki treament. He can't do chemo, because of the location - it would destroy his organs.
The first bout was in his brain, the second bout took a kidney. But, he made it through. Last night, my friend and I talked of him. She's been telling me for a while that he's tired, that he wants to let go, but that he's holding on because of those around him who want him to hold on. This bugs me, because I'm one of the ones holding on. He's the sweetest man, and I adore him. And I adore my friend, and I don't want to let him go... but I'm not the maker of that decision.
I can't imagine what his wife, my sweet friend L is feeling. Or if she's ready to let go of the man she calls her soulmate. But for the last few months, he's gone through this new treatment, and the tumor has shrunk. They were just blessed with a grandaughter in January as well.
This could be why my soul is so torn. Perhaps, on a subcouscious level Iv'e started to grieve. I mean, after all, passing over is a way of life. At some point, we will make the decision to leave our physical bodies and go to that place beyond, whatever it be.
Things are always changing, growing, passing. As I held my precious almost-3yr-old in my arms tonight, I wanted to weep so badly, because each day she grows. She was once a tiny babe in my arms, and now, now she talks. She dances, she runs, she places those tiny hands on my face, and pulls my own hand to her face.
Once a week we go to a Kindermusik class, and there is a sister of one of the girls in the class who is about 8 or 9 with blue eyes and hair the color of my child's. And tonight, when I tried to imagine my little one at that age, I wanted to weep. I buried my head against her... to watch her grow... one day she'll be an adult...
Ugh.
Tonight, my heart is heavy with unshed tears. My husband and child sleep in their own beds, blissfully unaware of my saddness. I've been fighting it for the past two hours, but maybe, just maybe I need to weep. To grieve the eventual passing of my dear friend... and to release whatever other grief I might be feeling.
I hate letting go of things that I'm not ready too. I know my daughter is going to grow older, and want her independence, and that is so freakin hard for me, because all I want to do is protect her and keep her innocent from harm, to hold her in my arms, and kiss each tender tear away...
Alas, though she is of my flesh, and I birthed her forth, she is not my possession but her own person. And I wouldn't want her to be any less. Like I said, there are some things, I've yet to let go of.
And so dear readers, I thank you for you patience and endurance of my moment of sadness. My thoughts are clearer than when I began. Perhaps I've made enough room in my mind for sleep to find me.
I hope, that my feeling of saddness is simply a passing thing, and not a sign of something else. When you hang around psychics, you start to pay more attention to your own intuition and latencies I suppose. It's been an interesting ride for me this last year I dare say.
Ah... but before I go... Sarah BanBrathenache suggests we make a list of 101 blessing in our lives... maybe this will help to ease my silent heart burden, eh?
So, here they are, in no particular order other than typing them out, then I'm off to heed the whispers of sleep:
1. Love
2. My child
3. My husband
4. My friend L
5. My friend G
6. Canadian Penguin
7. Canadian Penguin's bro
8. Being able to eat what I choose
9. Being able to see both sides
10. L's farm
11. My nephew
12. Mom
13. Dad
14. DB
15. DSIL
16. ILs
17. a phonecall from Dad
18. dancing by firelight
19. creating personal rituals
20. rhythm of the seaons
21. a clean sheet of paper, ready for painting
22. Living in a home I adore
23. sage green
24. blue sky; white puffy clouds
25. new journal
26. leaves
27. rain
28. moon
29. airplanes
30. boats
31. music
32. drums
33. chickweed
34. My Internet Pals
35. Uncle R
36. Aunt P
37. Sunrise
38. Sunset
39. Compassion
40. A fresh snowfall
41. Spring rain storms
42. sunny days
43. Rainy days
44. a mid afternoon nap
45. my brother's old bed spreads (good for lying on the ground outside all snuggled in)
46. picnics outside
47. picnics inside
48. Good friends
49. tea parties
50. chamomile tea
51. beaches of Taiwan (memories of)
52. walking while holding hands
53. Having family that I enjoy spending time with
54. Freshly cut tulips
55. Fresh flowers
56. Fresh breeze
57. My other friend L
58. My sweet friend P
59. Having a job where I can work from home.
60. horses
61. animals
62. kisses from a child
63 New friend L and her twins
64. The ability to declutter
65. Having a relaxing weekend visit with mom
66. Intuition
67. Being able to go within
68. Flylady
69. Intersting Blogs
70. A crisp fall day
71. A cool summer day
72. Hugs
73. snuggles
74. bouquets of flowers
75. being able to gather fresh eggs, newly laid from a chicken
76. walking the hills
77. knowing the people I know
78. reconnecting with people I once knew
79. being who I am today
80. grace
81. feather pillows
82. picture drawn for me by da pook
83. Grandparents who really love my child
84. having friends that leave you feeling nurtured and loved after a visit
85. knowing that I always have a choice - even if it's how I react
86. being a mom
87. being a wife
88. appreciating the power of nature
89. appreciating my own inner power
90. charcoal gray yoga pants
91. being attuned for Reiki
92. Goddess deck
93. poetry
94. a good, sparkly, glitter pen
95. pommegrantes
96. dark chocolate
97. hot cocoa latte
98. chai latte
99. a good red wine
100. smell of fresh herbs
101. scent after it rains
Good night. Sweet dreams to all...
Year of the Fire Dog!
I know the dog lovers will love this. I was going to type up this thought-provoking blurb about the Chinese New Year, and then I found this:
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2006/2004.html I'd print the article here, but I'm respecting the copyrights. :)
*****************************
In our house, we celebrate the Chinese New Year. At one time it was with a party, but, since Da Pook, we've bowed off and chosen to hibernate instead. Although, we do still decorate for it, and today we placed 9 bowls of various fruits and nuts (each represent different things, and, in some cases we had to improvise) that you eat to bring you certain things.
And let me just say this... the first party we had, I was chowing down on lotus seeds, fresh from our friends in Taiwan. They were delightful. However, I immediately stopped once I found out they brought you fertility. Da Pook was concieved in July of that year. To this day, I'm still leary of the lotus seed!
http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2006/2004.html I'd print the article here, but I'm respecting the copyrights. :)
*****************************
In our house, we celebrate the Chinese New Year. At one time it was with a party, but, since Da Pook, we've bowed off and chosen to hibernate instead. Although, we do still decorate for it, and today we placed 9 bowls of various fruits and nuts (each represent different things, and, in some cases we had to improvise) that you eat to bring you certain things.
And let me just say this... the first party we had, I was chowing down on lotus seeds, fresh from our friends in Taiwan. They were delightful. However, I immediately stopped once I found out they brought you fertility. Da Pook was concieved in July of that year. To this day, I'm still leary of the lotus seed!
Saturday, January 21, 2006
The Perfect Saturday...(Almost)
I sit here in my cozy chair at my cozy desk, recently decorated with fresh tulips thanks to my mom (thanks mom!), with my 16 oz chai latte made for me by my "latte boyfriend". It's been a delightful Saturday that started out with morning cuddles and a back scratch (without an almost 3-yr-old sandwiched between us), a delightful breakfast of crepes filled with fresh blackberries and topped with a yogurt/brownsugar/vanilla extract mix (I had no fresh whipping cream on hand), a lovely chat with Mom, and then we were off to have lunch at a delightful little French cafe (yes, really, a French cafe in this mountainous state!) .
You see, my latte boyfriend works at the Starbucks coffee shop next to it. Why is he my latte boyfriend or LBF (who I now have a real name for)? Simple. Because I'm a sucker for a great chai latte (and I spend lots of time eating at the French cafe!).
When I first got a chai latte, I was sitting on the front porch of the place enjoying it and chatting with a friend. My LBF was returning from outside, and actually stopped and asked me how the chai was. The next time I ordered one, I was actually in the restaurant with my hubby and 2 male friends, and he came to the table and asked me how it was. So, after a while, I just started waving and saying hi to him, and he's always asked me how my chai was. (And, yes, he didn't talk to or ask my hubby or 2 male friends, or any of the other friends I've been with when ordering a chai, thus is why he's my LBF.)
Today, however, I had some time to chat with him while he made our lattes. We were both very excited discussing how whole milk makes a chai latte too rich, but skim milk is just right, and he was very excited that Mom and I felt his lattes to be better than Panera's. I found out his real name, and found out that he's from PG county in MD. He's a real sweetie. And now I can greet him by saying "Hi XXXXX!" when I see him, instead of not having a clue as to who he is.
I know, I'm such a sucker for places with that extra bit of customer service. But then, I love how when I visit the French place, Da Pook is befriended by the owner, and gets to go back and meet with "the boys" (the chefs) , giving Mommy and Daddy a chance to eat their meal. I love knowing the owner, having her bring out a plate of chips as we are sitting down for Da Pook, and not charging us, because she knows Da pook loves them. I like having a LBF who knows how I like my chai, says hi to me, who cares if I like my chai (and that he makes a wicked one), and who DH teases me about. :)
So here I sit at my desk, typing my thoughts, sharing my wonderful Saturday morning with you. Da Pook is fast asleep napping. The house is quiet as Mom is downstairs caught up in the Angels and Demons boon by Dan Brown she bought yesterday, and hubby is typing away on his puter.
I am indeed content. In fact, I've begun to be more aware of my contentedness, because I really think I used to take peaceful moments for granted. I used to truly think things like:
It floors me, that I didn't always appreciate things or people, as I do now. Life is too short. I appreciate all sorts of things now. Little things, big things, reconnecting with people I once knew or cut from my life... It really truly makes life worth living. It makes being alive all the more. It's amazing.
I appreciate the grayness of the sky, the cut out paper hearts hanging from my window. The picture of me and DH before we married. I even appreciate that today is warm, like spring, even when it should be cold and snowy.
Life is filled with so many little things and details that get over looked. Go out and look. Go out and live. Go out and find yourself a latte boyfriend (or girlfriend) and let them know how much you appreciate they way they make it for you (it'll make their day). Snuggle with your pets or children, walk in the woods (Phil's got this covered!) and crunch some leaves. Notice the little things.
As for me? I'm going to take a few more moments to appreciate this desk as is, before I clear it up, and settle in with a good book.
Oh, and for all you out there reading this, those who I know, and even those I don't - I appreciate you. I do. My heart is runnuthing over with joy and gratitude, and I want to share it with everyone today.
It just makes the world so much better.
PS> I added a slew of new blogs that I'm currently addicted to. I just can't help myself! :)
You see, my latte boyfriend works at the Starbucks coffee shop next to it. Why is he my latte boyfriend or LBF (who I now have a real name for)? Simple. Because I'm a sucker for a great chai latte (and I spend lots of time eating at the French cafe!).
When I first got a chai latte, I was sitting on the front porch of the place enjoying it and chatting with a friend. My LBF was returning from outside, and actually stopped and asked me how the chai was. The next time I ordered one, I was actually in the restaurant with my hubby and 2 male friends, and he came to the table and asked me how it was. So, after a while, I just started waving and saying hi to him, and he's always asked me how my chai was. (And, yes, he didn't talk to or ask my hubby or 2 male friends, or any of the other friends I've been with when ordering a chai, thus is why he's my LBF.)
Today, however, I had some time to chat with him while he made our lattes. We were both very excited discussing how whole milk makes a chai latte too rich, but skim milk is just right, and he was very excited that Mom and I felt his lattes to be better than Panera's. I found out his real name, and found out that he's from PG county in MD. He's a real sweetie. And now I can greet him by saying "Hi XXXXX!" when I see him, instead of not having a clue as to who he is.
I know, I'm such a sucker for places with that extra bit of customer service. But then, I love how when I visit the French place, Da Pook is befriended by the owner, and gets to go back and meet with "the boys" (the chefs) , giving Mommy and Daddy a chance to eat their meal. I love knowing the owner, having her bring out a plate of chips as we are sitting down for Da Pook, and not charging us, because she knows Da pook loves them. I like having a LBF who knows how I like my chai, says hi to me, who cares if I like my chai (and that he makes a wicked one), and who DH teases me about. :)
So here I sit at my desk, typing my thoughts, sharing my wonderful Saturday morning with you. Da Pook is fast asleep napping. The house is quiet as Mom is downstairs caught up in the Angels and Demons boon by Dan Brown she bought yesterday, and hubby is typing away on his puter.
I am indeed content. In fact, I've begun to be more aware of my contentedness, because I really think I used to take peaceful moments for granted. I used to truly think things like:
- When I have a new desk, I'll be more organized and be able to enjoy it.
- When I have a new house, I'll have more room, plant a garden, do this, do that, etc.
- When I have this, then I'll feel...
- And so on.
It floors me, that I didn't always appreciate things or people, as I do now. Life is too short. I appreciate all sorts of things now. Little things, big things, reconnecting with people I once knew or cut from my life... It really truly makes life worth living. It makes being alive all the more. It's amazing.
I appreciate the grayness of the sky, the cut out paper hearts hanging from my window. The picture of me and DH before we married. I even appreciate that today is warm, like spring, even when it should be cold and snowy.
Life is filled with so many little things and details that get over looked. Go out and look. Go out and live. Go out and find yourself a latte boyfriend (or girlfriend) and let them know how much you appreciate they way they make it for you (it'll make their day). Snuggle with your pets or children, walk in the woods (Phil's got this covered!) and crunch some leaves. Notice the little things.
As for me? I'm going to take a few more moments to appreciate this desk as is, before I clear it up, and settle in with a good book.
Oh, and for all you out there reading this, those who I know, and even those I don't - I appreciate you. I do. My heart is runnuthing over with joy and gratitude, and I want to share it with everyone today.
It just makes the world so much better.
PS> I added a slew of new blogs that I'm currently addicted to. I just can't help myself! :)
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Winter, finally here?
It's snowing today. It snowed on Saturday too, but Saturday's wasn't quite as enjoyable because we were out driving around in it. But right now - it's glorious.
I don't know if it's because I work from home now, or if it's because I just didn't appreciate it before. But then, I really don't think I ever learned how to appreciate my life until recently... if that makes sense.
I can remember sitting in the office, wishing my days away until the weekend. I can remember seeing snow, and cursing it because I had to drive home in it. I didn't go out and play in it like I do now. I didn't appreciate my job (which paid well and let me get away with as much procrastination as possible), or many other things in my life.
Hmmmm...
Now, when I see snow, I get excited like a child. (Though, not nearly as excited as Da Pook.) Actually, I'm just as excited when I see the first signs of spring, dive into the water come summer, and crunch the leaves in fall.
So today, it's that cozy grayness outside, while whisps of white dance outside in the corner of my eye. It's not laying yet, but it's SNOWING. And that's what's so cool.
Maybe this year, I'll actually make it out to one of my friends farms to sled. Yay snow. Yay winter!
I don't know if it's because I work from home now, or if it's because I just didn't appreciate it before. But then, I really don't think I ever learned how to appreciate my life until recently... if that makes sense.
I can remember sitting in the office, wishing my days away until the weekend. I can remember seeing snow, and cursing it because I had to drive home in it. I didn't go out and play in it like I do now. I didn't appreciate my job (which paid well and let me get away with as much procrastination as possible), or many other things in my life.
Hmmmm...
Now, when I see snow, I get excited like a child. (Though, not nearly as excited as Da Pook.) Actually, I'm just as excited when I see the first signs of spring, dive into the water come summer, and crunch the leaves in fall.
So today, it's that cozy grayness outside, while whisps of white dance outside in the corner of my eye. It's not laying yet, but it's SNOWING. And that's what's so cool.
Maybe this year, I'll actually make it out to one of my friends farms to sled. Yay snow. Yay winter!
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Attitude of Gratitude
Perhaps this post is in tribute to the recent readings from Sarah Ban Breathenache's book Simple Abundance, or maybe it was my husband's comment this morning about how he envies my choice to sleep in if I choose to, but in any case, I feel the need, almost desire to share the gratitude I have for my life here on this blog.
And I'd like to encourage others today, to take time our and just be grateful for what you have, where you are, and if you aren't, then look, really look for it today. Why? Because being greatful opens your eyes to gifts you may not have known.
So here it goes. I realized this morning, that I love my life. There, I've said it. I love and adore my child. I love and adore my sweet husband. I am grateful that I work from home, that I can set up playdates during the week for Da Pook, and yet still offer an income for our household.
I am grateful that my husband not only cooks, but enjoys cooking. I'm grateful that when we get angry, we can express it, see that we have both usually contributed in someway, and get over it. I am grateful that he has taught me how to take time out for me, and do things for me, and that he encourages that we spend time together, as well as apart (even if it's just him hiding out in the basement cave). I am grateful for his hugs, his sweet smile, and his willingness to work together as a team in our marriage. We'll be married 5 years this year. I am grateful for how far we've come in our relationship, for the growth we've both experienced, and for our willingness to communicate.
It's changed me as a person in so many ways I can't even count. There was a movie out on lifetime... and I always remember this phrase, "What is it that we are all looking for? The one who makes us better than we are alone." And that, is my sweet darling hubby.
I am grateful that I had a child who loves me, for small hands upon my cheek, for the sweet scent of innocence and baby shampoo, and for the wisp of soft hair along my face. For the warm, cuddly, squiggly child in my lap while I try to type. I am grateful for the soft voice counting to 10, and backwards, and the warmth of snuggling with Da Pook in my arms, or falling swiftly into dream land hearing her soft, steady breath next to me.
I am grateful that my jobs are something I truly enjoy. I love being a mom, I love working from home. I love that I can set my own hours, and that I don't have to drive to an office everyday. I feel as though I've finally found a job that I enjoy (even though, there are still times I'd rather be doing something else, and I do feeling overwhelmed if I don't keep up with the work). And I am also grateful for the time management skills is teaches me. And yes, I do love the fact, that if I really need to sleep in - I can do so most of the time.
I am grateful for my sweet home. It's just the right size - not too big, not too small. Though eventually we will plan to move, I've loved this house since the first moment I walked in on a gray day, only to be embraced by it's brightness regardless of the cloudiness, and the small, timid voice, beckoning me, "Come, live in me."
I am grateful that our house encourages me to release and declutter on a rhythmic basis. Each year the good will sees me at least once. Since I've been in this house, I've released so much junk - material, physical, and mental. And I am grateful for it.
I am grateful for where we are in our lives. We live a simple life compared to most. And, do our best to be frugal. I am grateful that we have the choice to be frugal.
I am grateful for the people in my life - friends, fellow bloggers, internet pals, and family. Each person in my life has been a teacher - regardless of age.
Today, I am relishing in gratitude. And it feels really good.
And - now it's here, online. So, next time I'm not feeling so grateful, I can comeback here and reread it. :)
And I'd like to encourage others today, to take time our and just be grateful for what you have, where you are, and if you aren't, then look, really look for it today. Why? Because being greatful opens your eyes to gifts you may not have known.
So here it goes. I realized this morning, that I love my life. There, I've said it. I love and adore my child. I love and adore my sweet husband. I am grateful that I work from home, that I can set up playdates during the week for Da Pook, and yet still offer an income for our household.
I am grateful that my husband not only cooks, but enjoys cooking. I'm grateful that when we get angry, we can express it, see that we have both usually contributed in someway, and get over it. I am grateful that he has taught me how to take time out for me, and do things for me, and that he encourages that we spend time together, as well as apart (even if it's just him hiding out in the basement cave). I am grateful for his hugs, his sweet smile, and his willingness to work together as a team in our marriage. We'll be married 5 years this year. I am grateful for how far we've come in our relationship, for the growth we've both experienced, and for our willingness to communicate.
It's changed me as a person in so many ways I can't even count. There was a movie out on lifetime... and I always remember this phrase, "What is it that we are all looking for? The one who makes us better than we are alone." And that, is my sweet darling hubby.
I am grateful that I had a child who loves me, for small hands upon my cheek, for the sweet scent of innocence and baby shampoo, and for the wisp of soft hair along my face. For the warm, cuddly, squiggly child in my lap while I try to type. I am grateful for the soft voice counting to 10, and backwards, and the warmth of snuggling with Da Pook in my arms, or falling swiftly into dream land hearing her soft, steady breath next to me.
I am grateful that my jobs are something I truly enjoy. I love being a mom, I love working from home. I love that I can set my own hours, and that I don't have to drive to an office everyday. I feel as though I've finally found a job that I enjoy (even though, there are still times I'd rather be doing something else, and I do feeling overwhelmed if I don't keep up with the work). And I am also grateful for the time management skills is teaches me. And yes, I do love the fact, that if I really need to sleep in - I can do so most of the time.
I am grateful for my sweet home. It's just the right size - not too big, not too small. Though eventually we will plan to move, I've loved this house since the first moment I walked in on a gray day, only to be embraced by it's brightness regardless of the cloudiness, and the small, timid voice, beckoning me, "Come, live in me."
I am grateful that our house encourages me to release and declutter on a rhythmic basis. Each year the good will sees me at least once. Since I've been in this house, I've released so much junk - material, physical, and mental. And I am grateful for it.
I am grateful for where we are in our lives. We live a simple life compared to most. And, do our best to be frugal. I am grateful that we have the choice to be frugal.
I am grateful for the people in my life - friends, fellow bloggers, internet pals, and family. Each person in my life has been a teacher - regardless of age.
Today, I am relishing in gratitude. And it feels really good.
And - now it's here, online. So, next time I'm not feeling so grateful, I can comeback here and reread it. :)
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Thursday's Thoughts...
It amazes me how people view being a parent, especially when they aren't. (Sorry, but pets don't count! Had 'em before I was a parent, and they really don't prepare you for what lies ahead.) I amazed myself, and it wasn't until I was a parent, and started researching all sorts of lovely things (reasons for natural childbirth, how to nurture a child's self esteem, how to teach a child right from wrong), that I realized, what you think you will do, and what you end up doing, change.
I've a friend who wanted to homeschool her children, but realized it wasn't the best thing for her or them, when she realized how much time and energy went into it. I know women who homeschool all 5 of their kids (and then some). I know one mom who changed her entire lifestyle to vegetarian, and goes out of her way to feed her kids organic food on the little money she makes.
The fact is, until your a parent, you can dream and have visions of how you'll do what you'll do. But it all changes once you hold that little one in your arms.
I adore my child. And I want what is best for her. I haven't quite done things the way I'd liked, but I've learned what works for her and me, and that is what I work with. I have a wonderful child. (Seriously, she can play quietly for 20 minutes in a room full of meditating women.) It could just be her personality, or it could be how we choose to raise her.
For me, I mother according to how I was raised. (Usually, doing opposite of my parents.) I don't like the idea of spanking, because I've seen some really bad results from it. So, I've been discovering alternate ways. The key to it all, is respect between the parent and child. That is my belief. It was respect for my mother that got me home on time, not fear.
I respect and trust my daughter, even at the tender age of almost 3. And, I find the more I trust her, the more she responds in turn. There are times when I'm firm (like when she needs to sleep in her own bed), but I find that firmness is enough. Last night, she threw her first huge tantrum, and it was precious. I put her in her room, told her to let it out and when she was done, I was here, and still loved her even though she was upset. We tried not to laugh as she explored ranges of screaming and crying. But, deep down, I knew it was important not to stifle her, to let her get out her rage.
I feel that she needs to know it's okay to hurt, be sad, be angry, and explore and release her feelings. I watched how the kids in my family were told - don't cry, it's okay. And I wonder, how is that teaching a child how to deal with his or her feelings? In our society, you are told via the media, what to wear, how to look, what to eat, etc. Can you imagine a world where people knew what they needed instinctively?
Thus, knowing the age of my child, I always keep in mind that for her age, there are somethings she doesn't understand. In the store, if she gets upset - she can't tell me why, but sometimes, she just needs to be held. Just now we are realizing she can't quite explain to us what she's feeling or even wants, so, we try to be open to that.
For me, I think a lot of my own perspective is tainted from the last few years, of myself rediscovering my true feelings. For years, I'd ask 20 people for advice before making a choice. I totally depended on other people's thoughts. I thought that I'd look good in something because it was "in style".
Perhaps it's my humble age of 31 going on 32 this year, but I now know myself better than ever, and just as I'm learning to trust my daughter, I'm also learning to trust me. The day she was born, I knew that my life would be filled with many gifts, and that I was being blessed with a little teacher that I would be teaching too.
And this morning, as I cradle my little one in my arms, breathing in her scent, my heart is full, and I give thanks for this little teacher in my arms.
I've a friend who wanted to homeschool her children, but realized it wasn't the best thing for her or them, when she realized how much time and energy went into it. I know women who homeschool all 5 of their kids (and then some). I know one mom who changed her entire lifestyle to vegetarian, and goes out of her way to feed her kids organic food on the little money she makes.
The fact is, until your a parent, you can dream and have visions of how you'll do what you'll do. But it all changes once you hold that little one in your arms.
I adore my child. And I want what is best for her. I haven't quite done things the way I'd liked, but I've learned what works for her and me, and that is what I work with. I have a wonderful child. (Seriously, she can play quietly for 20 minutes in a room full of meditating women.) It could just be her personality, or it could be how we choose to raise her.
For me, I mother according to how I was raised. (Usually, doing opposite of my parents.) I don't like the idea of spanking, because I've seen some really bad results from it. So, I've been discovering alternate ways. The key to it all, is respect between the parent and child. That is my belief. It was respect for my mother that got me home on time, not fear.
I respect and trust my daughter, even at the tender age of almost 3. And, I find the more I trust her, the more she responds in turn. There are times when I'm firm (like when she needs to sleep in her own bed), but I find that firmness is enough. Last night, she threw her first huge tantrum, and it was precious. I put her in her room, told her to let it out and when she was done, I was here, and still loved her even though she was upset. We tried not to laugh as she explored ranges of screaming and crying. But, deep down, I knew it was important not to stifle her, to let her get out her rage.
I feel that she needs to know it's okay to hurt, be sad, be angry, and explore and release her feelings. I watched how the kids in my family were told - don't cry, it's okay. And I wonder, how is that teaching a child how to deal with his or her feelings? In our society, you are told via the media, what to wear, how to look, what to eat, etc. Can you imagine a world where people knew what they needed instinctively?
Thus, knowing the age of my child, I always keep in mind that for her age, there are somethings she doesn't understand. In the store, if she gets upset - she can't tell me why, but sometimes, she just needs to be held. Just now we are realizing she can't quite explain to us what she's feeling or even wants, so, we try to be open to that.
For me, I think a lot of my own perspective is tainted from the last few years, of myself rediscovering my true feelings. For years, I'd ask 20 people for advice before making a choice. I totally depended on other people's thoughts. I thought that I'd look good in something because it was "in style".
Perhaps it's my humble age of 31 going on 32 this year, but I now know myself better than ever, and just as I'm learning to trust my daughter, I'm also learning to trust me. The day she was born, I knew that my life would be filled with many gifts, and that I was being blessed with a little teacher that I would be teaching too.
And this morning, as I cradle my little one in my arms, breathing in her scent, my heart is full, and I give thanks for this little teacher in my arms.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Simple Joys... and realizations
Lately (perhaps because I've been taking the Simple Abundance Journey) I've been thinking about simple little things that bring me joy.
I thought I'd share:
I thought I'd share:
- a good yoga session
- journaling (or blogging)
- an uninterupted bubble bath
- being up before dawn, in the quiet morning, sans other awake family members
- reading a good book or article
- snuggling with da pook
- watching da pook sleep
- when da pook kisses me on the cheek making the "Mwa!" sound
- napping in the afternoon
- napping in a hammock in the sunshine
- spending time in the woods of my friend
- eating vegetables and fruits fresh from the garden
- drinking hot tea while watching it snow out the window
- sitting on the back porch
- basking in the quietness of underwater at a swimming pool in hot summer
- the scent of fall
- walking outdoors
- gathering fall leaves, and watching the trees change color
- dancing
- creating art - painting, writing, sketching
- writing love letters
- meditation or just focusing on the breath
- indugling in a bit of really, really good chocolate (or chocolate pudding!)
I could probably go on, but those are a few of the things that popped into my head. It was a late night (da pook was up late, and ended up sleeping with us), but a peaceful morning.
We spent the weekend in PJs, watching movies, snuggling, and playing with da pook. It was quiet, laid back, and relaxed, as it should be. And, as a bonus, I had some pretty intense self-revelations. (It's amazing what happens to the mind when you take time to just rest and be.)
You see, I read this article in Yoga Journal (I think that's where it was), and the article basically said, that when you are upset, you are the one with the problem. As I've gone through my life blaming others for disrepecting me, or upseting me, "making me angry, sad, etc."... this just really hit home for me this weekend. A part of me has known this, but, you can know something, and spout things from a book for ages, until the day when BAM! you get it. So it took over 30 years... but this time it hit, and it stuck.
You see, I see people (relationships especially) much differently than I did 10 years ago. (Well, 10 years ago, I was a totally different person for the most part, but that's another story.) These part few years, I've been learning, and admitting that: I've got an ego (which used to be MUCH Bigger than it is now), I've suffered from a queen complex (i.e. the world revolves around me), and I used to have not clue how to tune into myself, and everything depending on outside sources, so, even with a big ego, the self-esteem was nil. How people put up with me... well, if they did, they must've really love me. And some of them still do! ;)
In any case, this was just another of those discoveries for me, especially as I've been experiencing challenges with two people in my life, that just seem to push all my buttons. But, when I looked at it from the standpoint that I was the one upset, and thus the one with the problem.
Wow.
Perhaps it's all the warrior poses I've been doing lately, but this weekend, I feel I've reclaimed my personal power. People don't upset you; it's you who get upset. Think about it. People are who they are. The only person you can change, is you. When it comes to other people, you need to accept them for who they are. Maybe they'll change, maybe they won't.
These people are who they are. I didn't want to accept them. I wanted them to be more respectful and drop the victimization bull and drama. A part of my wanted to be in control (I so hate admitting that... ) and stop them, or do something about what I percieved as "wrong" behavior. But, that is up to them. So, I gave myself permission to say No to these people, cut them out of my life (which, I've tried, but I see now, they're in my life for a reason, and I am learning from them... maybe there is a greater reason behind all this), but also permission to keep them in my life but not feel responsible for them.
Does that make sense?
And so, I enter this week with yet another new perspective. Wow. I need more NFP weekends! Luckily, it's winter, and that's what we do.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Focus for 2006
I did decide on things I'd like to focus on for the new year, and I also created affirmations. (We do this as a family each year.) Only this year, we included one for a house. Though we aren't actively looking, we figured we'd put the energy out there and see what happens.
In any case, there are 5 things I've decided to focus on:
1. Continuing to Simpify my life
This means decluttering material, physical, and mental stuff; finding easier ways to do things; doing less, but doing more of what I enjoy; and saying No. This has also resulted in planning ahead for weekends of No Plans.
2. Continuining to improve my lifestyle and eating habits.
This past year I learned what healthy food portions were, realized I'd been eating double those portions, and started taking movement (yoga, walking, etc.) more seriously. I'm also working on focusing on when I'm hungry, versus when I'm stressed to the max.
3. Spend wisely and consciously.
Asking myself if I really need an item, or if it's filling that boredom or stress void. If it doesn't absolutley make my heart sing, forgetta bout it! (Plus, it helps you know, in saving for a new house!)
4. Stay in tune with Rhythm; honor and getting to know my inner/intuition.
Life has it's own rhythm, there's the rhythm of seasons, and my own personal rhythm. All work together and have their own effects. Learning my moods, when I'm energetic and when I'm not, is not only helpful, but very liberating, because I'm not beating myself up on a day when I'm not fully motivated. Plus, it helps me to honor myself and spend time going within each month.
As for the intuition, this ties into the food thing, in the sense that I'm exploring more about myself and how I really feel about things. One of the reasons I hibernate come winter, is so that I can reevaluate myself and really think about how I feel. Sometimes, things get so chaotic, I felt very out-of-touch and make choices I normally wouldn't. So, I've been practicing recognizing that "gut" feeling.
5. Continue to connect with appreciation and gratitude.
Just being appreciative and grateful is life changing. I've been doing it for the last few months, and it's really had an impact. So, I'd like to keep it up.
Don't know how much I'll get to posting over the next few months, as, I'm feeling a strong urge to hibernate. After the last two weeks, the urge to not see anyone or leave the house is strong. Now, if I wasn't working, I could be playing, and cozied up with a pile of good books. Of course, I'd still be watching Da Pook, but... I wouldn't be looking at a computer screen.
Also, as is tradition, we drew cards for the New Year.
I have this Goddess Deck that's uncannily on target (my friends always ask me to draw a card for them each year). For instance, last year, I drew Sulis (Celtic goddess of water) who's message was to spend time around water for healing. I ended up vacationing on and island and spending time in a water spa there. The entire experience totally changed me and my life.
This year, I got two cards: Oonagh and Rhinnanon. According to Oonagh, all is happening in the right time; I'm to take things slowly and easily. I'm being given the opportunity to "ease" into things. And according to Rhinnanon, my dreams will manifest this year. Which, was totally funny, because we'd just affirmed the house right before that. And, according to the fairy cards we have, I'm to "Honor My True Feelings" and be myself.
The connections between these 3 cards were strong, and completely on target, because that is the sense I was getting for this coming year.
So, it'll be very interesting to see where this all goes, eh?
In any case, there are 5 things I've decided to focus on:
1. Continuing to Simpify my life
This means decluttering material, physical, and mental stuff; finding easier ways to do things; doing less, but doing more of what I enjoy; and saying No. This has also resulted in planning ahead for weekends of No Plans.
2. Continuining to improve my lifestyle and eating habits.
This past year I learned what healthy food portions were, realized I'd been eating double those portions, and started taking movement (yoga, walking, etc.) more seriously. I'm also working on focusing on when I'm hungry, versus when I'm stressed to the max.
3. Spend wisely and consciously.
Asking myself if I really need an item, or if it's filling that boredom or stress void. If it doesn't absolutley make my heart sing, forgetta bout it! (Plus, it helps you know, in saving for a new house!)
4. Stay in tune with Rhythm; honor and getting to know my inner/intuition.
Life has it's own rhythm, there's the rhythm of seasons, and my own personal rhythm. All work together and have their own effects. Learning my moods, when I'm energetic and when I'm not, is not only helpful, but very liberating, because I'm not beating myself up on a day when I'm not fully motivated. Plus, it helps me to honor myself and spend time going within each month.
As for the intuition, this ties into the food thing, in the sense that I'm exploring more about myself and how I really feel about things. One of the reasons I hibernate come winter, is so that I can reevaluate myself and really think about how I feel. Sometimes, things get so chaotic, I felt very out-of-touch and make choices I normally wouldn't. So, I've been practicing recognizing that "gut" feeling.
5. Continue to connect with appreciation and gratitude.
Just being appreciative and grateful is life changing. I've been doing it for the last few months, and it's really had an impact. So, I'd like to keep it up.
Don't know how much I'll get to posting over the next few months, as, I'm feeling a strong urge to hibernate. After the last two weeks, the urge to not see anyone or leave the house is strong. Now, if I wasn't working, I could be playing, and cozied up with a pile of good books. Of course, I'd still be watching Da Pook, but... I wouldn't be looking at a computer screen.
Also, as is tradition, we drew cards for the New Year.
I have this Goddess Deck that's uncannily on target (my friends always ask me to draw a card for them each year). For instance, last year, I drew Sulis (Celtic goddess of water) who's message was to spend time around water for healing. I ended up vacationing on and island and spending time in a water spa there. The entire experience totally changed me and my life.
This year, I got two cards: Oonagh and Rhinnanon. According to Oonagh, all is happening in the right time; I'm to take things slowly and easily. I'm being given the opportunity to "ease" into things. And according to Rhinnanon, my dreams will manifest this year. Which, was totally funny, because we'd just affirmed the house right before that. And, according to the fairy cards we have, I'm to "Honor My True Feelings" and be myself.
The connections between these 3 cards were strong, and completely on target, because that is the sense I was getting for this coming year.
So, it'll be very interesting to see where this all goes, eh?
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