It amazes me how people view being a parent, especially when they aren't. (Sorry, but pets don't count! Had 'em before I was a parent, and they really don't prepare you for what lies ahead.) I amazed myself, and it wasn't until I was a parent, and started researching all sorts of lovely things (reasons for natural childbirth, how to nurture a child's self esteem, how to teach a child right from wrong), that I realized, what you think you will do, and what you end up doing, change.
I've a friend who wanted to homeschool her children, but realized it wasn't the best thing for her or them, when she realized how much time and energy went into it. I know women who homeschool all 5 of their kids (and then some). I know one mom who changed her entire lifestyle to vegetarian, and goes out of her way to feed her kids organic food on the little money she makes.
The fact is, until your a parent, you can dream and have visions of how you'll do what you'll do. But it all changes once you hold that little one in your arms.
I adore my child. And I want what is best for her. I haven't quite done things the way I'd liked, but I've learned what works for her and me, and that is what I work with. I have a wonderful child. (Seriously, she can play quietly for 20 minutes in a room full of meditating women.) It could just be her personality, or it could be how we choose to raise her.
For me, I mother according to how I was raised. (Usually, doing opposite of my parents.) I don't like the idea of spanking, because I've seen some really bad results from it. So, I've been discovering alternate ways. The key to it all, is respect between the parent and child. That is my belief. It was respect for my mother that got me home on time, not fear.
I respect and trust my daughter, even at the tender age of almost 3. And, I find the more I trust her, the more she responds in turn. There are times when I'm firm (like when she needs to sleep in her own bed), but I find that firmness is enough. Last night, she threw her first huge tantrum, and it was precious. I put her in her room, told her to let it out and when she was done, I was here, and still loved her even though she was upset. We tried not to laugh as she explored ranges of screaming and crying. But, deep down, I knew it was important not to stifle her, to let her get out her rage.
I feel that she needs to know it's okay to hurt, be sad, be angry, and explore and release her feelings. I watched how the kids in my family were told - don't cry, it's okay. And I wonder, how is that teaching a child how to deal with his or her feelings? In our society, you are told via the media, what to wear, how to look, what to eat, etc. Can you imagine a world where people knew what they needed instinctively?
Thus, knowing the age of my child, I always keep in mind that for her age, there are somethings she doesn't understand. In the store, if she gets upset - she can't tell me why, but sometimes, she just needs to be held. Just now we are realizing she can't quite explain to us what she's feeling or even wants, so, we try to be open to that.
For me, I think a lot of my own perspective is tainted from the last few years, of myself rediscovering my true feelings. For years, I'd ask 20 people for advice before making a choice. I totally depended on other people's thoughts. I thought that I'd look good in something because it was "in style".
Perhaps it's my humble age of 31 going on 32 this year, but I now know myself better than ever, and just as I'm learning to trust my daughter, I'm also learning to trust me. The day she was born, I knew that my life would be filled with many gifts, and that I was being blessed with a little teacher that I would be teaching too.
And this morning, as I cradle my little one in my arms, breathing in her scent, my heart is full, and I give thanks for this little teacher in my arms.
4 comments:
While not a dad, I do feel strongly about this issue as well. I have two nieces who I am very close to and have been around sicne their birth.
Oh boy are there times when they were growing up that you wanted to paddle them! But my sister and brother-in-law never spanked.
What I have observed is that usually when they, or I, entertained such thoughts there was an accompanying thought which brought it into perspective: this usually happened when control had been lost.
Can't get into the depth of control dramas with kids in a short comment, but it makes you step back and think if there are better ways to handle loss of control than to lose control yourself. I doubt anyone looks forward to spanking their kids, so I am making the rather large assumption that such discipline means that the spanker has failed at all other avenues.
As my dad used to say to me: when you hit, or yell, or rage it means you have already lost. You have exhausted every other alternative you can come up with; the situation has beaten you.
Sorry for the long comment.
-Ed
No spanking comments here...
More along the lines of, wait til the second child shows up. An only child is an entirely different child until they have a sibbling. Or better yet, the second child will turn out completely different with an older child to grow up with than if they were by themselves.
This much I know for sure.
It will be interesting to see how things change with another one around the house. I am not saying it is a bad thing, but a completely different set.
Wow, good stuff.
Ed, thanks for sharing what your dad said. Good and very true words. Please don't apologize for a long comment - you've got good stuff to say.
And yes Phil, I'm wondering how things will be when we decide to expand our family. Should be interesting. I'll be sure to keep y'all posted.
Yes Stacie, your blog partly inspired this post. In fact, I was tempted to comment, but feelings seemed to be rather strong on the subject. :)
I'm sure I'll have more to add on the topics as family dynamics change. Should be interesting.
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