It's early, and I rise with baby. Smiling in the darkness, she greets me, her eyes filled with laughter.
It's afternoon, and snow falls from the sky, dancing, twirling wildly with the wind. We dance to Abba, singing, laughing, moving and grooving. My head is spinning, and the laughter prevalent.
Afterwards, we snuggle tenderly upon a blanketed floor, pillows and blankets abound. Soon, sweet baby's eyes are closed, breathing softly, she sleeps.
Lunch is warm soup, eaten while watching dancing snow. Baby still sleeping. Mommy makes tea.
The house is scattered, chaotic with "stuff"about the place. It's definitely lived in.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Friday, January 16, 2009
Falling in Love
One of my goals for the new year is to change my way of thinking. I've been working on this for years, and this year, I have a direction and plan. I am willing to be more compassionate with others, and especially myself.
A few years ago, when we were planning on selling our house and moving, I made a list of things I felt needed to be changed: painting on the inside, painting on the outside, painting the shutters and front door, putting up a fence, revamping rooms, etc. etc. Soon, all I began to see was what needed fixing, what needed to be changed. I started comparing it to what our new house might be like, what I wanted. Before I knew it, I was no longer in love with our house, and eagerly wanting to up and move.
Funny thing about that, we didn't move. The housing market was taking a turn, and it didn't make sense to move to another place with more space and land, that would cost us more money. So we stayed. And I was quite unhappy.
And then, somewhere along the line, I stopped focusing on what I wanted to be done, and started paying attention to what I had. Our house has an incredible exposure to the sun. Even on rainy days, if you open the curtains, you don't need to turn on lights. The rooms are cozy and comfortable. They allow me to always know where the kiddos are and keep an eye on them. Bit by bit, I began to fall in love with our house.
It didn't matter that our beige walls have a ton of picture holes in them, or that they have scribbles on them. Slowly, we began to rearrange the house. We got rid of those pictures that weren't us. We kept only those pictures we loved. We began to simplify the space and our stuff.
I fell in love with my house as it is. Where I once saw flaws, I saw personality. I accepted it as it was, and in the process fell in love with it's cozy, lived-in, eclectic look.
The beginning of 2008, I had managed to become obsessed with my flaws and changing myself. And then, somewhere along the line, something began to shift. I embraced my growing belly and the life within. I really, truly, basked in the moments with my eldest, as I knew our time as just us was coming to an end.
I stopped worrying and focusing on what I wanted for myself and my family, and I started focusing on what I had in my life. I stopped comparing myself to others, and thinking about what I should be doing.
Something amazing was happening. As I practiced acceptance and compassion with myself, it spilled over into the rest of my life. "This too shall pass" echoed in the back of my mind as I inhaled my newborn's scent, felt the softness of my eldest's cheek, and buried myself in my husband's arms.
I'm not sure when it happened. Suddenly, I found that I was falling in love with me. I embraced that I made time for things like Facebook and blogging, instead of spending time outside. I fell in love with my life. I enjoyed feeding my children and self. Things I once fought tooth and nail against and wanted to deny, I embraced.
Life became vivid and rose-colored. I wanted to take care of me, and I wanted to care about what others. I found that by showing myself compassion, it was easier to be compassionate to others. I was falling in love with me, and in turn life and people.
Events or things that once set off a down spiral, are now learning experiences. Change is an opportunity for adventure, to do something different.
It's going to be interesting to see what happens as I continue to shift my thinking and perspectives.
A few years ago, when we were planning on selling our house and moving, I made a list of things I felt needed to be changed: painting on the inside, painting on the outside, painting the shutters and front door, putting up a fence, revamping rooms, etc. etc. Soon, all I began to see was what needed fixing, what needed to be changed. I started comparing it to what our new house might be like, what I wanted. Before I knew it, I was no longer in love with our house, and eagerly wanting to up and move.
Funny thing about that, we didn't move. The housing market was taking a turn, and it didn't make sense to move to another place with more space and land, that would cost us more money. So we stayed. And I was quite unhappy.
And then, somewhere along the line, I stopped focusing on what I wanted to be done, and started paying attention to what I had. Our house has an incredible exposure to the sun. Even on rainy days, if you open the curtains, you don't need to turn on lights. The rooms are cozy and comfortable. They allow me to always know where the kiddos are and keep an eye on them. Bit by bit, I began to fall in love with our house.
It didn't matter that our beige walls have a ton of picture holes in them, or that they have scribbles on them. Slowly, we began to rearrange the house. We got rid of those pictures that weren't us. We kept only those pictures we loved. We began to simplify the space and our stuff.
I fell in love with my house as it is. Where I once saw flaws, I saw personality. I accepted it as it was, and in the process fell in love with it's cozy, lived-in, eclectic look.
The beginning of 2008, I had managed to become obsessed with my flaws and changing myself. And then, somewhere along the line, something began to shift. I embraced my growing belly and the life within. I really, truly, basked in the moments with my eldest, as I knew our time as just us was coming to an end.
I stopped worrying and focusing on what I wanted for myself and my family, and I started focusing on what I had in my life. I stopped comparing myself to others, and thinking about what I should be doing.
Something amazing was happening. As I practiced acceptance and compassion with myself, it spilled over into the rest of my life. "This too shall pass" echoed in the back of my mind as I inhaled my newborn's scent, felt the softness of my eldest's cheek, and buried myself in my husband's arms.
I'm not sure when it happened. Suddenly, I found that I was falling in love with me. I embraced that I made time for things like Facebook and blogging, instead of spending time outside. I fell in love with my life. I enjoyed feeding my children and self. Things I once fought tooth and nail against and wanted to deny, I embraced.
Life became vivid and rose-colored. I wanted to take care of me, and I wanted to care about what others. I found that by showing myself compassion, it was easier to be compassionate to others. I was falling in love with me, and in turn life and people.
Events or things that once set off a down spiral, are now learning experiences. Change is an opportunity for adventure, to do something different.
It's going to be interesting to see what happens as I continue to shift my thinking and perspectives.
Mistakes
You know that you need to slow down, when you make a comment that's inappropriate, and you don't even realize it.
At first, discovering this, really upset me. How could I be so callous? How could I have missed that?
And, then, my thinking began to shift when I realized that I'd simply missed information, and ironically, managed to latch onto the positive information, and thus skimmed right over the negative information.
In the past, I'd have spent way too much time lamenting my mistake and getting angry with myself. And now? I'm realizing that I'm more compassionate with myself. I made a mistake. It's in writing, so I can't take it back. I did apologize when it was brought to my attention.
The whole event has cause me to do some serious thinking and recognize a few realizations.
It is time to slow down again, to listen and really, really pay attention. If I don't have the time to focus on it, then I either make the time (now or later) or I need to let it go.
For those who know me, I do a lot of juggling. We've chosen to homeschool our two kiddos. I work from home. I also feel a responsibility to keep and take care of the home. I believe in precious moments of "tummy time" and snuggling on the couch with a kid (or two) and a good book.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in my own life, I forget to take the time for others. I've been making a point to do this, as I believe it's important to care and pay attention. I've spent too much of my life stuck in my own little world, that I chose to reach out.
Now, to find the balance...
At first, discovering this, really upset me. How could I be so callous? How could I have missed that?
And, then, my thinking began to shift when I realized that I'd simply missed information, and ironically, managed to latch onto the positive information, and thus skimmed right over the negative information.
In the past, I'd have spent way too much time lamenting my mistake and getting angry with myself. And now? I'm realizing that I'm more compassionate with myself. I made a mistake. It's in writing, so I can't take it back. I did apologize when it was brought to my attention.
The whole event has cause me to do some serious thinking and recognize a few realizations.
It is time to slow down again, to listen and really, really pay attention. If I don't have the time to focus on it, then I either make the time (now or later) or I need to let it go.
For those who know me, I do a lot of juggling. We've chosen to homeschool our two kiddos. I work from home. I also feel a responsibility to keep and take care of the home. I believe in precious moments of "tummy time" and snuggling on the couch with a kid (or two) and a good book.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in my own life, I forget to take the time for others. I've been making a point to do this, as I believe it's important to care and pay attention. I've spent too much of my life stuck in my own little world, that I chose to reach out.
Now, to find the balance...
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Freedom through acceptance
Did you ever suddenly become aware of something that is totally obvious to others, just not you? Say, that someone out there actually might not want a relationship with you, even if you've gone out of your way to reach out to strengthen or build a relationship?
I've a beautiful tendency to see things through rose-colored glasses and in a positive light. So perhaps that is why I recently had a total revelation about some people in my life that have been giving me a rather clear message for years.
I mean, if you want to spend time with someone - you make the time. You make them a priority in some way, yes? If you don't, then you plan things to include them and fit them into your schedule, yes? You have conversations that go beyond the "Hi, Hello" category. You converse with them about your life and what's going on in it. You make the effort to reach out and connect on some level even if it's just phone, email, or in person.
And guess what? For years I've been reaching out despite a lack of connection on the other side. Maybe I didn't want to give up on them. (I don't like to give up on people.) I admit that on some level I wanted a connection and acceptance. I'd get angry at myself, at them, and blame myself for what I perceived as issues or reasons for the lack of connection.
And then, today, it became clear to me. Why was I wasting my time and energy on a relationship that didn't meet my expectations? What if I just accepted them for who they are - people wrapped up in their own world (who isn't) of which I'm not a part of and if I accepted the relationship for what it is? We are quite different people, and that's okay. Clearly, I had certain expectations of them that they weren't meeting.
So today, I faced the facts and looked at the situation from a more objective point of view thanks to some friends. First, I realized I needed to accept them for who they are. Then, I realized that there are other people in my life that I'd rather expend this reclaimed energy on, and who will reciprocate the connection in some way. What a wonderful opportunity to practice the art of acceptance!
Through acceptance, I've gained freedom. And I'm liking it... :)
I've a beautiful tendency to see things through rose-colored glasses and in a positive light. So perhaps that is why I recently had a total revelation about some people in my life that have been giving me a rather clear message for years.
I mean, if you want to spend time with someone - you make the time. You make them a priority in some way, yes? If you don't, then you plan things to include them and fit them into your schedule, yes? You have conversations that go beyond the "Hi, Hello" category. You converse with them about your life and what's going on in it. You make the effort to reach out and connect on some level even if it's just phone, email, or in person.
And guess what? For years I've been reaching out despite a lack of connection on the other side. Maybe I didn't want to give up on them. (I don't like to give up on people.) I admit that on some level I wanted a connection and acceptance. I'd get angry at myself, at them, and blame myself for what I perceived as issues or reasons for the lack of connection.
And then, today, it became clear to me. Why was I wasting my time and energy on a relationship that didn't meet my expectations? What if I just accepted them for who they are - people wrapped up in their own world (who isn't) of which I'm not a part of and if I accepted the relationship for what it is? We are quite different people, and that's okay. Clearly, I had certain expectations of them that they weren't meeting.
So today, I faced the facts and looked at the situation from a more objective point of view thanks to some friends. First, I realized I needed to accept them for who they are. Then, I realized that there are other people in my life that I'd rather expend this reclaimed energy on, and who will reciprocate the connection in some way. What a wonderful opportunity to practice the art of acceptance!
Through acceptance, I've gained freedom. And I'm liking it... :)
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Focus for 2009
Okay, so I've decided to list my focus for 2009. So, here it is:
1. I am honoring myself.
I am changing my thinking so that it is more positive. I release and let go of negative thoughts and relationships. I create a positive environment to thrive.
I am eating more nutritiously for myself and family. (We are cutting out high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils. We are increasing our vegetable and fruit intake. We are eating more fresh and less processed foods.)
I am moving and exercising regularly. (yoga, walking, dancing, pilates) I am encouraging and supporting hubby in doing this too.
2. Living consciously with awareness and joy.
I am willing to be present in the moment, and to really just enjoy the moments and life. I am basking in laughter, gratitude and joy, and I am willing to encourage, inspire and share these with others.
3 Finances - spend wisely and consciously.
We are putting more into savings, spending wisely, and eliminating expenses where able.
4 Simplicity
I am keeping things simple by saying no when needed, respecting my boundaries, and keeping things uncomplicated. I keep up with keeping out the clutter and maintaining that which might come in.
5 Honoring Others
I am enhancing my relationships through encouragement, nurturing, love and joy. I forgive myself and others for not meeting expectations.
I am looking into places to donate to. Currently, we donate to http://www.heifer.org/. I am looking into http://www.kiva.org/. Suggestions are welcome.
I continue:
-to be aware of the blessings in my life, and continue my connection with appreciation and gratitude.
-to incorporate internal rhythms with life's rhythms. Learning to listen to what I need. Listening to my intuition.
- to maintain a home environment of peace, love, nurturing and joy.
To Complete:
- Get a shed for out back
- Create play area in the back
1. I am honoring myself.
I am changing my thinking so that it is more positive. I release and let go of negative thoughts and relationships. I create a positive environment to thrive.
I am eating more nutritiously for myself and family. (We are cutting out high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated oils. We are increasing our vegetable and fruit intake. We are eating more fresh and less processed foods.)
I am moving and exercising regularly. (yoga, walking, dancing, pilates) I am encouraging and supporting hubby in doing this too.
2. Living consciously with awareness and joy.
I am willing to be present in the moment, and to really just enjoy the moments and life. I am basking in laughter, gratitude and joy, and I am willing to encourage, inspire and share these with others.
3 Finances - spend wisely and consciously.
We are putting more into savings, spending wisely, and eliminating expenses where able.
4 Simplicity
I am keeping things simple by saying no when needed, respecting my boundaries, and keeping things uncomplicated. I keep up with keeping out the clutter and maintaining that which might come in.
5 Honoring Others
I am enhancing my relationships through encouragement, nurturing, love and joy. I forgive myself and others for not meeting expectations.
I am looking into places to donate to. Currently, we donate to http://www.heifer.org/. I am looking into http://www.kiva.org/. Suggestions are welcome.
I continue:
-to be aware of the blessings in my life, and continue my connection with appreciation and gratitude.
-to incorporate internal rhythms with life's rhythms. Learning to listen to what I need. Listening to my intuition.
- to maintain a home environment of peace, love, nurturing and joy.
To Complete:
- Get a shed for out back
- Create play area in the back
Reflections on 2008
2008 was a wild ride of a year. We started it off discovering that I was pregnant with Pookii, then jaunting off to Disney Land for a week. We returned with the lots of wonderful memories and the flu.
Pook was enrolled in a Montessori class and loved it. We spent the summer getting the house prepped for our new arrival, homeschooling, and spending summer days swimming at the pool and treasuring our family until Pookii's arrival in August.
Pookii arrived in style with an incredible birth story, and surrounded with lots of love and dear friends. She fits right in with our little mix. She's changed our lives since day 1, and helped us to grow as individuals and a family.
With all the additions, there were some losses as my grandmother died and my FIL was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It made for an interesting year. As for 2008's focus, let's see:
I wanted to focus on:
1. Living consciously with awareness and joy.
Being present in the moment, and to really just enjoy the moments and life. To laugh more and be more joyful. Did this.
Eating more nutritiously for myself and family. Moving and exercising more regularly. We've only just started doing this more religiously.
Enhancing my relationships with my husband, daughter, and family through encouragement, nurturing, love and joy.Did this.
2 Finances - spend wisely and consciously.
To put more into savings, spend wisely, and eliminate expenses where able. Did this and would like to eliminate more expenses.
3 Simplicity
To keep things simple by saying no when needed, respecting my boundaries, and keeping things uncomplicated. Keep up with keeping out the clutter. Did this, and enjoyed it too!
To Continue:
-To be aware of the blessings in my life, and continue my connection with appreciation and gratitude. Did this.
-To incorporate internal rhythms with life's rhythms. Learning to listen to what I need. Listening to my intuition. Did this.
- The home environment of peace, love, nurturing and joy. Did this.
To Complete:
- Trip to Disney World Did this.
- Backyard fence Did this.
- Stairs on back porch Did this.
Wow. I actually did what I focused on. Perhaps I do need to create some focus for 2009, just to keep track of things. Hmmm.
Pook was enrolled in a Montessori class and loved it. We spent the summer getting the house prepped for our new arrival, homeschooling, and spending summer days swimming at the pool and treasuring our family until Pookii's arrival in August.
Pookii arrived in style with an incredible birth story, and surrounded with lots of love and dear friends. She fits right in with our little mix. She's changed our lives since day 1, and helped us to grow as individuals and a family.
With all the additions, there were some losses as my grandmother died and my FIL was diagnosed with prostate cancer. It made for an interesting year. As for 2008's focus, let's see:
I wanted to focus on:
1. Living consciously with awareness and joy.
Being present in the moment, and to really just enjoy the moments and life. To laugh more and be more joyful. Did this.
Eating more nutritiously for myself and family. Moving and exercising more regularly. We've only just started doing this more religiously.
Enhancing my relationships with my husband, daughter, and family through encouragement, nurturing, love and joy.Did this.
2 Finances - spend wisely and consciously.
To put more into savings, spend wisely, and eliminate expenses where able. Did this and would like to eliminate more expenses.
3 Simplicity
To keep things simple by saying no when needed, respecting my boundaries, and keeping things uncomplicated. Keep up with keeping out the clutter. Did this, and enjoyed it too!
To Continue:
-To be aware of the blessings in my life, and continue my connection with appreciation and gratitude. Did this.
-To incorporate internal rhythms with life's rhythms. Learning to listen to what I need. Listening to my intuition. Did this.
- The home environment of peace, love, nurturing and joy. Did this.
To Complete:
- Trip to Disney World Did this.
- Backyard fence Did this.
- Stairs on back porch Did this.
Wow. I actually did what I focused on. Perhaps I do need to create some focus for 2009, just to keep track of things. Hmmm.
Enjoying the unexpected
I used to really enjoy traditions. The past few years we celebrated New Year's Eve with a traditional tarot reading for the new year, and listing what we wanted to release and embrace. This year, we drank Christmas mead and played Wii. We actually even stayed awake until midnight (thought we were asleep by 12:01 am.
It was only fitting that 2008 end with the same unexpectedness and possibilities it was filled with. 2008 was wild, amazing, challenging, and exciting.
This year, instead of setting up expectations, we are embracing possibilities and welcoming new things. Instead of over planning, we're leaving things open.
Perhaps I'll get around to writing a more detailed reflection of 2008. As for 2009, I haven't really made an resolutions. Perhaps I'll get around to pondering them and listing them out for you. However, it's entirely I may not. ;)
It was only fitting that 2008 end with the same unexpectedness and possibilities it was filled with. 2008 was wild, amazing, challenging, and exciting.
This year, instead of setting up expectations, we are embracing possibilities and welcoming new things. Instead of over planning, we're leaving things open.
Perhaps I'll get around to writing a more detailed reflection of 2008. As for 2009, I haven't really made an resolutions. Perhaps I'll get around to pondering them and listing them out for you. However, it's entirely I may not. ;)
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