Falling in Love

One of my goals for the new year is to change my way of thinking. I've been working on this for years, and this year, I have a direction and plan. I am willing to be more compassionate with others, and especially myself.

A few years ago, when we were planning on selling our house and moving, I made a list of things I felt needed to be changed: painting on the inside, painting on the outside, painting the shutters and front door, putting up a fence, revamping rooms, etc. etc. Soon, all I began to see was what needed fixing, what needed to be changed. I started comparing it to what our new house might be like, what I wanted. Before I knew it, I was no longer in love with our house, and eagerly wanting to up and move.

Funny thing about that, we didn't move. The housing market was taking a turn, and it didn't make sense to move to another place with more space and land, that would cost us more money. So we stayed. And I was quite unhappy.

And then, somewhere along the line, I stopped focusing on what I wanted to be done, and started paying attention to what I had. Our house has an incredible exposure to the sun. Even on rainy days, if you open the curtains, you don't need to turn on lights. The rooms are cozy and comfortable. They allow me to always know where the kiddos are and keep an eye on them. Bit by bit, I began to fall in love with our house.

It didn't matter that our beige walls have a ton of picture holes in them, or that they have scribbles on them. Slowly, we began to rearrange the house. We got rid of those pictures that weren't us. We kept only those pictures we loved. We began to simplify the space and our stuff.

I fell in love with my house as it is. Where I once saw flaws, I saw personality. I accepted it as it was, and in the process fell in love with it's cozy, lived-in, eclectic look.

The beginning of 2008, I had managed to become obsessed with my flaws and changing myself. And then, somewhere along the line, something began to shift. I embraced my growing belly and the life within. I really, truly, basked in the moments with my eldest, as I knew our time as just us was coming to an end.

I stopped worrying and focusing on what I wanted for myself and my family, and I started focusing on what I had in my life. I stopped comparing myself to others, and thinking about what I should be doing.

Something amazing was happening. As I practiced acceptance and compassion with myself, it spilled over into the rest of my life. "This too shall pass" echoed in the back of my mind as I inhaled my newborn's scent, felt the softness of my eldest's cheek, and buried myself in my husband's arms.

I'm not sure when it happened. Suddenly, I found that I was falling in love with me. I embraced that I made time for things like Facebook and blogging, instead of spending time outside. I fell in love with my life. I enjoyed feeding my children and self. Things I once fought tooth and nail against and wanted to deny, I embraced.

Life became vivid and rose-colored. I wanted to take care of me, and I wanted to care about what others. I found that by showing myself compassion, it was easier to be compassionate to others. I was falling in love with me, and in turn life and people.

Events or things that once set off a down spiral, are now learning experiences. Change is an opportunity for adventure, to do something different.

It's going to be interesting to see what happens as I continue to shift my thinking and perspectives.