Decisions

The last few months my mind has been filled with thoughts, and a sub-conscious that has been screaming (very loudly, and via all of my writing outlets and then some), that I need to slow down, maybe even stop. But I was terrified to stop, afraid that I'd loose momentum if I did.

And yet, it kept getting louder, and it was clear that I was feeling off balance, as was my family.

My time has been really full the last few months - work, homeschooling, activities, Squeak's allergies and therapy, not getting enough sleep, travel, and probably other things that I've been forgetting. Life had become overwhelming, and I couldn't keep up. Then, I'd ream myself out for not keeping up. Yet I still wouldn't slow down.

Finally, I realized, I had some serious decisions to make. Something needed to give. I needed to slow down and stop. I needed to stop comparing myself to how much others did and were doing, and just stop. I was unbalanced, and until I regained that balance, I was going to continue struggling and fighting a loosing battle.

And so, I stopped, took a breath, decided to tweak our schooling for the month to be more laid back to help with the burnout. We choose to homescool for many reasons, one of which was that I wanted to take most of December off to really enjoy the holiday. And I've not done that yet - until this year.

Instead of opting to do all the activities we've done in the past, we opted to do something that suited our family. We needed to soothe our souls, rejuvenate out minds, bodies and spirits, and to slow down. And through the years, we have discovered that means NFP weekends (No F'n Plans).

And so that is what we are doing. We've opted to stay in for the month. I do not work (my computer is turned off all of Saturday and most of Sunday), nor do I do work, on the weekends. We won't be attending fancy holiday parties, or running all over the place. We make it a point to read, play games, do something creative as a family.

Winter is generally a time for hibernating for our family anyway. It's a natural rhythm that we all enjoy and benefit from. We have for years, and one day, it may shift. For now, I want to honor it, nurture it, and savor it, as opposed to fighting it, or not doing it because someone else thinks that we shouldn't be doing it.

I've decided it's time to listen to that voice of intuition I've spent the last 5 years denying (questioning and doubting), and have reconnected with (in Spring).When I used to listen to that voice, I was able to trust and let go of fear. Because I knew, from the depths of my soul, I knew where to go based on how I felt about things. Even if logically it didn't make sense, and the rest of the world tried to convince me otherwise, when I listened, and I mean really listened and followed that gut instinct - I found I was right where I was supposed to be.

So many times I have reached out to others for input on a decision, instead of trusting that "feeling". Actually, I ignored it because it was just a "feeling" and there was no "proof" behind it. But this year, I've known when I walked into a building, I was meant to be there. I've watched things fall into place when the time was best, and not before. I've remembered what it felt like to "know", and that enabled me to move past the guilt and self-doubt, to trust myself.

In trusting myself, I am taking time to ask myself some questions, to give things some thought, to dare to do things that others might not like or approve of.

It's been snowing here, and if I don't feel comfortable driving in it, or if I choose to stay home and enjoy it, so be it. Mind you, this decision came after an intense struggle involving "to go" or "not to go" to an activity for Squeak when it was snowing. I felt guilty for not going, for not making the most of the money I'd spent, and for not "doing enough" for my child. Thankfully, it was canceled, but it got me thinking, and I didn't feel like getting so stressed out about it again. Giving myself permission to "bow out" to say no - is liberating.

I've decided that I'm not sending out the yearly Christmas letter updating the details of our life over the year.  There has been SO much that has happened, that I'm not even sure a letter will do it justice. And frankly, there are other things requiring my time and attention. So this year, I'm deciding to "bow out".

We've chosen to be nontraditional in regards to Christmas this year. We're taking a long weekend, just our little family, with no guests or visitors. We will drink hot cocoa, tea and chai lattes and create our own little feasts. We'll probably stay in PJs the whole time.

There are Christmas movies that we'd like to watch. Wii we'd like to play. There will Christmas music. We'll probably dance and sing. We might be inspired to paint, sketch, or sculpt. We'll hopefully read. We might not leave the house the entire weekend. There are no plans set in stone.

Pook is excited about Christmas this year - more so than those of the past. Da Hub is glad that we won't be traveling, and excited that he can sleep in and stay in PJs all weekend. Squeak is just happy to have us all around. And as for me, well, it feels right for us, and I'm excited that we've made this choice.

Thoughts on Purpose and Dreams

Today, I was greeted by my daily bit of Ralph. The article's title was "Who you know you must be" and the first question asked me if I was having trouble getting motivated to move toward my dream. I paused, and wondered, do I even have a dream? Do I have a purpose?

I really had no clue.

Some friends gave me great advice on how your dreams and purpose can change from day-to-day. That we can grow and change, and our dreams and purpose with them. Thus, it is good to be able to go with the flow, and focus on the present moment.

As I sit here, typing with my youngest sleeping in my arms, I realized that I was holding one dream, and sitting next to another who was adding to a picture of a zoo in her work book. I'm married to my other dream, and live in another. Four out of four dreams come true - was not too shabby.

As for purpose, I've always associated that with the bigger picture. As in, what is my impact on others, or the world? But what if my purpose involved my 2 little dreams before me? What if my purpose was the care and nurturing of these two precious souls? What if I had more than one purpose?

Within me, I feel something stirring forth from the depths where I've buried thoughts like this. I'm not sure what my purpose is, or even how to expand on it. I'm not sure what my current dreams are...

And that, is actually okay with me right now. When the time is right, or if it's needed, I suppose I'll figure it out. :)

Peace in the Pond

On Thursday, I ventured out into an area I've never been before on my own. I was meeting a friend and her family at a lake for some chatting and eating, and maybe, if I dared, for some swimming. I'm not fond of driving, especially driving into an area I don't know, it tends to unnerve me. I knew I wanted, no, that I needed to go. So, I went, and managed to find my way there.

It had been a while since I'd seen my friend. Our schedules just didn't seem to match up. And during the school year, with the schedules of the kiddos, it was virtually impossible. This time, the universe worked with us, and we were able to meet up.

My friend has a body that is slim and trim. She's got a few years on me, and rocks a bikini like you wouldn't believe. She was like a goddess, and greeted me with he trademark smile and glass of wine in hand, followed by a huge hug. She smelled like minty herbs.

I wanted to melt into her. Her love spills over onto who ever she meets. Her smile, lights up a room. She is so in tune with her spirituality and faith, that you just tend to feel peaceful when she talks about it.

We made our way to the chairs on the deck, to have a good chat while her kiddos played. It was lovely to reconnect with her. To catch up, as best two moms can with kiddos present.

And then, she was ready to swim. She dove off and into the water with such grace. "C'mon in!" she said.

I looked at the fish in the shallow end, and and raised an eyebrow. "I don't know..."

"The fish aren't like that over here. C'mon in! It's velvety goodness for the spirit!"

After what I've been through, a comment like that was hard for me to resist. So, I made my way down the ladder. I got into the dark pond water, trying not to freak out about the possibility of fish.

She was right. It was velvety. It was warm on the top, and then, you'd hit a pocket of cold water. It freaked me out a bit. I was nervous, but I trusted her. I couldn't see to the bottom. I couldn't feel the bottom (not that I wanted to feel the bottom of a pond, mind you, as it's rather slimy). I was entering the unknown. Soon, I found myself trying to find the pockets of cold water, bubbling up from a spring underneath.

I got out before her, and chatted while she swam. At one point, I watched her lay back, close her eyes, and just take it all in while she floated, trusting the water to support her. That's how she lives her life, trusting in something that is greater than she is. Letting herself be guided and listening.

I enjoyed being in the water, being with her, swimming and feeling the support... of many things. In that moment, I trusted, let go, and allowed myself to just be. My spirit soared, inspired by her zest and love for life.

Yes, it was indeed good for my spirit. Dare I even say it was good for my soul.

So easily I forget...

Lately, I have wondered, what is my life's purpose? Maybe, it's to share my gift of being able to see the gifts in things. Maybe, it's being a good friend. Maybe, it's my ability to inspire others.

I keep forgetting the really big one. That I'm a mom. I'm not just a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), I'm a work-at-home mom (WAHM). And not only do I work at home, I home school.

In a conversation with hubby last night, I'd been feeling down, as we've been dealing with illness and a few other things on our plates. I was feeling overwhelmed, longing to throw away every thing and start anew, doubting myself and my abilities, feeling a bit lost.

I've gotten lost in the clutter of my house. Clutter can be controlled to an extent. A house can be cleaned, and you know and can see the result. If you don't have clutter, you're life is simpler!

I have gotten lost in the worries about a future that's not here. You don't know how your children are going to be in 10 years, or the world for that matter.

I've a tendency to compare myself a lot. Am I doing enough of this? Maybe I should be doing that? Oh! This looks like it's working for them, so maybe we need to try it. Am I being a good enough mother, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, friend? (I think I'm a pretty good wife, so I don't question that one.) Am I saving the earth, eating well, being all that I can be?

I've forgotten something important. I am who I am, and there is only one me, and one of my family. And I need to figure out what works best for US. Not everyone else. And yet, it's so easy to get caught up in the pretty pictures of magazines and blogs to see what your house/life "could"(should?) look like.

I have striven for a simple life. And yet, let's be real, choosing to home school and working from home does not simplify things. It adds to the paper work every year. It adds to the clutter. It takes up space in the house and in my head. And it takes up time, because I need to plan around my work schedule. At the same time, it allows me to live the life that I choose. It's also easy to forget when I hear about SAHMs doing this... and I want to try it forgetting that I work; that my life is not theirs.

And I'm not the only one who's been or gotten lost. I am ready to find myself again though.

Transformation

I've been spotting dragonflies and butterflies everywhere. And then, the other day, we discovered a toad living in our garden. He was as large as the palm of my hand.

I've a thing for animal totems, and what animals mean or the message they bring when they come into your life, because it would seem, that when I look up the meaning after taking notice, the message is indeed appropriate and well suited for what is occurring in my life.

And thus, I suppose you could say that I now pay attention.

And recently, I've felt like a caterpillar. Minding my own business. Eating good food, going about my life trying not to harm nor hurt. And just making my way along.

Until a moment came, when I had to speak up for my own feelings, and to take a stand. It took everything in me to speak my heart, because my nature is to fix things and find peace as quickly as I can.

I'd wish I'd spent more time in the cocoon. Enjoying the pause and slowness, and getting rest. But, I didn't. I felt as though I was plucked up, wrapped up, and tossed into a bag, turned to mush... and then, then I had to stretch my wings. And I still feel as though I'm stretching my wings, fighting to get out of the cocoon.

What will be in store after this? I am not sure, but I feel as though my perception of life is shifting.

The funny thing about dragonflies, butterflies, and toads ... all point to transformation. Will I turn into a butterfly? Will I fly with my wings? Will my wings be strong enough to fly?

Guess we'll find out.

A Weekend Away...

"Give me your hands, if we be friends." - Puck, From A Midsummer Night's Dream

I had the pleasure of being able to run away this weekend, and spend it with four phenomenal ladies. The hands were dealt, the cards laid out, and then the universe stepped in to add its two cents.

It was a weekend where each one of us was given the opportunity to grow and stretch. It was a lesson in honesty and voicing feelings, in connection, letting go, and in discovering what it was like to be me without the walls (and I don't think I'm the only one who let the walls come down). I stepped away from my usual roles into a place where I just was.

It's been a long time since I've just let things flow, and stopped worrying about what the end result was. Here I am! I splay my cards upon the table, throwing them down with no real set pattern. The whole deck is there - there aren't any in my hands. I've been so tired of holding in, that I just let go.

Thankfully, it was in the midst of those who embraced it, who caught the cards that fell off the table, threw out their own to let them lie as we chatted, bonded, and shed a few tears. Each of us managed to give and receive this weekend. We stepped away from our roles as momma and wife, and let ourselves slip back into who we are as individuals. It enabled us to breathe, and explore that part of ourselves that is easily misplaced or lost, in an environment where we just are "us" and we are loved.

It's an amazing feeling when you can just be who you are, and let it flow without worry. I found a part of myself this weekend. And I found four other marvelous souls to share it with.

Lookout world... for here I am. And I don't know if I could close that door again... or if I want to.

Lady Tigress

That is how I feel after this week. We've finally got a diagnosis with Squeak as to why she isn't eating solid foods. She's got sensory issues, and needs to be in Birth - 3. I'm not sure what happened this week; perhaps it's the year's events building up and I'm reaping the gifts. Maybe, it's that this momma has had enough.

My child will eat. Allergies or not, I'm going to fight this and will see it through.

The whole experience has been interesting, as has this year for that matter. It's been interesting to see who's offered support, who's really reached out to be there for us, and who truly cared about what we were going through. We've a clear view of who gets it (and us) and who doesn't.

In the beginning, I felt small and scared, tender and raw. And then, a wave of love and friendship surrounded me, lifted me up, and helped to hold me together. I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to tell someone what I needed - they just knew. I didn't worry about being compared, about not doing enough. And now? I've gone from the scared-hiding in the shell (so I don't get hurt) hermit crab, to an elegant Tigress.

Reclaiming my power? Perhaps. Having a good day? It could be that too. Or maybe it's the final inspiration and encouragement from a good friend who's found himself, and isn't afraid to follow his intuition.

I feel as though I'm coming back to myself in many ways. That I'm accepting the darker parts of me, that I'd labeled "unacceptable" because others thought they were. Those parts I denied, tried to rub out and change, or hide. But beneath it all - they are a part of who I am.

In the past, seeing these bits has caused me to try and cover up, dive deep into my shell to hide them. My confidence crashed as I allowed these bits to be picked apart, dissected, and displayed before me. Everyone has dark parts, just as everyone has light parts.

I no longer have the urge to shriek out, "This is who I am - and it's okay!" Instead, I smile quietly, knowing, that I am enough. I am amazing. And most of all - I am loved. And I know, that those reading this who love me, are probably smiling right now.

And those of you who knew this Tigress before the tender hermit crab stage of the last few years, are probably cheering and shouting, "That's the girl we know!" (And thank you for those of you who've told me in person.) ;)

I'm not sure how long this feeling will last. I'd like to think I've gotten over that hump, that I've found a new me. As two wise friends have reminded me - life goes in cycles. So I'm taking baby steps. I'm delegating. I'm recruiting backup.

And I'm enjoying this feeling.

Dealing with the Dailies

Yesterday, my 11 month old started with an incredibly stuffy nose. Last night, she had a fever and didn't sleep well at all. Today, both kiddos have it.

Tissues are everywhere. The kids are sneezing in sync or one after the other. Although, the baby seems to be sneezing less and less congested. My eldest is not feeling well, and being sure to let me know.

And the house... well, I'll leave that to your imagination.

In the past, this would've knocked me for a loop. However, I've been noticing a subtle, welcome change in my life. Gradually, my perspective has become more focused on the positives. I like seeing the light in others and situations where most see only despair or something negative.

More and more, I'm starting to realize that life is not just what you make it; it's how you percieve it. I can choose to let this day get me down, or, I can look for the positives. Or, I can let myself feel overwhelmed, and then refocus. After all, sick kiddos means lots of snuggles for this momma. And yeah, last night was challenging and this morning I'm feeling as though I could've used a full night's sleep.

But ya know what? I'm just going to take this sweet babe who's in my arms and give her a good dose of lovin' along with the elder one. And, I'm going to enjoy it.

What do I really enjoy, versus what I think I enjoy (but don't really)?

Confession, of sorts. I have just discovered, that I don't think I'm a gardening person. *GASP!!!!* I know, the horror. You see, I'm currently feeling rather guilty about it.

My great-grandmother not only kept a garden in the city (Baltimore, MD), in a row home, to help feed her family of 13 kids, she could sew clothes from old flour sacks, darn socks, and then some. She had to. And part of me is envious of her renaissance ways, and my friends who can do these things and more.

Both of my grandmother kept gardens of flowers and vegetables. I mainly remember my maternal grandmother doing this. My mother has several gardens. Even my brother gardens (though for him it's the floral, not vegetable. So, the other day, while helping my daughter plant seeds, and realizing that the gardens might not even be in the right spots to get proper sunlight, and that the ants had set up home in ALL the big containers, I was feeling just a little upset, to say the least.

So, when my DD went into the house, leaving me to clean up the mess, I sat there on the hill, close to tears. Why didn't I read more? Why didn't I plan better? Why is my yard so darn small? And other questions danced through my head.

Don't I like gardening? I mean, I should. Dad is a landscape developer, as is brother. Mom has always gardened. I enjoy digging in the dirt, don't I? Do I?

It was then it hit me. My front yard, is a mass of weeds amidst the shrubs (that my father and brother helped design and plant). I don't weed on a regular basis, and I haven't, even before kids. I LOVE flowers, and when my mom came to help plant them... I sort of let her do it... because I wanted to end up in tears trying to figure out what went where.

And now - it's an overgrowth. I know that it needs to be cleared out, and with the fence up, there is more shade to more areas. It's a bit of a sad state I'm afraid.

So what is the problem? Maybe, I *thought* I liked gardening because my family did it, and I was *supposed* to like it. Hmmm... looking at my life there are several of these areas that I've been neglecting - not out of laziness, but because I simply don't enjoy them, and haven't realized it.

How many times have I done this to myself before? How many times have I done something, not because I wanted to, but because I thought I "had" to? I had to enjoy gardening, camping, survival skills - because what if the world ended? How would I survive? What would be come of me if I didn't learn certain skills sets?

Or, maybe I did something because I thought another person wouldn't like me, or would think I'm a horrible person, if I didn't recycle, use cloth diapers, eat only organic, follow a set schedule?

So I'm on a journey of self-discovery. What do I really, truly ENJOY? What am I truly willing to expend my energy on?

Sure, I love the idea of living on a self-sustaining farm, growing my own veggies, having chickens, recycling everything, using cloth diapers, eating fresh vegetables from my garden. And I could live that life - if I took certain steps, and made life changes.

And yes, I'm thrilled when I think of getting rid of all the clutter and living in a streamlined home, with prettily painted walls... obviously, I'd have to make changes.

I'm starting to recognize the give and take. What do I really want - the big picture? And then, am I really willing to go the distance to get there? And finally, if I don't compare myself to others, or look to others for their input - who would I be?

Just a few things to ponder...