What do I really enjoy, versus what I think I enjoy (but don't really)?

Confession, of sorts. I have just discovered, that I don't think I'm a gardening person. *GASP!!!!* I know, the horror. You see, I'm currently feeling rather guilty about it.

My great-grandmother not only kept a garden in the city (Baltimore, MD), in a row home, to help feed her family of 13 kids, she could sew clothes from old flour sacks, darn socks, and then some. She had to. And part of me is envious of her renaissance ways, and my friends who can do these things and more.

Both of my grandmother kept gardens of flowers and vegetables. I mainly remember my maternal grandmother doing this. My mother has several gardens. Even my brother gardens (though for him it's the floral, not vegetable. So, the other day, while helping my daughter plant seeds, and realizing that the gardens might not even be in the right spots to get proper sunlight, and that the ants had set up home in ALL the big containers, I was feeling just a little upset, to say the least.

So, when my DD went into the house, leaving me to clean up the mess, I sat there on the hill, close to tears. Why didn't I read more? Why didn't I plan better? Why is my yard so darn small? And other questions danced through my head.

Don't I like gardening? I mean, I should. Dad is a landscape developer, as is brother. Mom has always gardened. I enjoy digging in the dirt, don't I? Do I?

It was then it hit me. My front yard, is a mass of weeds amidst the shrubs (that my father and brother helped design and plant). I don't weed on a regular basis, and I haven't, even before kids. I LOVE flowers, and when my mom came to help plant them... I sort of let her do it... because I wanted to end up in tears trying to figure out what went where.

And now - it's an overgrowth. I know that it needs to be cleared out, and with the fence up, there is more shade to more areas. It's a bit of a sad state I'm afraid.

So what is the problem? Maybe, I *thought* I liked gardening because my family did it, and I was *supposed* to like it. Hmmm... looking at my life there are several of these areas that I've been neglecting - not out of laziness, but because I simply don't enjoy them, and haven't realized it.

How many times have I done this to myself before? How many times have I done something, not because I wanted to, but because I thought I "had" to? I had to enjoy gardening, camping, survival skills - because what if the world ended? How would I survive? What would be come of me if I didn't learn certain skills sets?

Or, maybe I did something because I thought another person wouldn't like me, or would think I'm a horrible person, if I didn't recycle, use cloth diapers, eat only organic, follow a set schedule?

So I'm on a journey of self-discovery. What do I really, truly ENJOY? What am I truly willing to expend my energy on?

Sure, I love the idea of living on a self-sustaining farm, growing my own veggies, having chickens, recycling everything, using cloth diapers, eating fresh vegetables from my garden. And I could live that life - if I took certain steps, and made life changes.

And yes, I'm thrilled when I think of getting rid of all the clutter and living in a streamlined home, with prettily painted walls... obviously, I'd have to make changes.

I'm starting to recognize the give and take. What do I really want - the big picture? And then, am I really willing to go the distance to get there? And finally, if I don't compare myself to others, or look to others for their input - who would I be?

Just a few things to ponder...