Belated Reflections on June 17

June 17th is the birth day of a dear friend of mine. April 17th was the day of his death. I've see-sawed between the depths of sadness, and moments of joy. I've thought I was okay, only to burst into tears. I've spiraled down to the depths of a depression, and made my way back up to the surface.

At times I've treaded life's water until I was exhausted. I've had to make some pretty challenging decisions over the last half of the year, and there are still a few to make. And on June 17th, while mourning the absence of my friend, I discovered a rare and precious gift.

It was a day with the girls, and we spent most of it at the outlets. I knew it was going to be an interesting day when the reminder that it was R's birthday popped up on my screen, and I burst into tears.

It wasn't the first time I would shed a few. Cardinals (a bird my daughter told me would let us know that R was okay) were every where in the stores. I was late meeting up with the girls for lunch, as the sadness overwhelmed me. My appetite was not there, but I ate something to keep my blood sugar up, and we pressed on.

At dinner, I could feel it again. I was emotionally warn, and didn't want to burden the three lovely friends that were with me. When my dinner arrived, and it just wasn't very good, I closed my eyes and hoped they'd think I was just tired. But they new better.

When I returned from a bathroom break, they told me to sit down, and then, they did something amazing. They asked me what I needed. And when I told them I didn't know, they said that was okay, that they were there for me.

Eventually I confessed that I really wanted to be on the beach at night, standing in front of the waves, and honor my friend in some way. And so, we drove down the road a bit, hopped out of the car in the freezing cold, and trekked onto the sandy beach. We gathered together, sang songs, laughed, and huddled to stay warm.

And then, they asked me, what would I say to someone who was hurting as I was? What would I say to another? And I broke down. Because I have always been there for others, yet never really been there for me. And here, were 3 of my dearest friends encouraging me to nurture myself in ways that I've nurtured them. And all I could do was cry.

So there we stood, upon the shore, as I cried and they held me. And my one friend asked R to reach through her to me. (R practiced reiki.) And I know exactly the moment, because I felt the energy, and I felt my body relax as she held my hands. And it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever experienced.

Before we left, we stood watching the waves. I'd been enthralled by the waves since my arrival, and my friend C reminded me of this, and then asked me to think of what the word wave meant. And that maybe, just maybe, this was R's way of waving to me. I'd seen the cardinals. I'd shed the tears, and now, when I look at the waves, I can't help but wonder if he was waving to me.

I also wondered if R ever liked the beach. It would be a few days later when I discovered he used to work at a beach, selling umbrellas. Goosebumps, I tell you.

One thing is certain, I'll not look at them in the same way. And when I see waves, I now want to wave back. They say that salt water heals all things - via sweat, tears, and the sea. You know, I think there's something to that.

Lady Tigress

That is how I feel after this week. We've finally got a diagnosis with Squeak as to why she isn't eating solid foods. She's got sensory issues, and needs to be in Birth - 3. I'm not sure what happened this week; perhaps it's the year's events building up and I'm reaping the gifts. Maybe, it's that this momma has had enough.

My child will eat. Allergies or not, I'm going to fight this and will see it through.

The whole experience has been interesting, as has this year for that matter. It's been interesting to see who's offered support, who's really reached out to be there for us, and who truly cared about what we were going through. We've a clear view of who gets it (and us) and who doesn't.

In the beginning, I felt small and scared, tender and raw. And then, a wave of love and friendship surrounded me, lifted me up, and helped to hold me together. I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to tell someone what I needed - they just knew. I didn't worry about being compared, about not doing enough. And now? I've gone from the scared-hiding in the shell (so I don't get hurt) hermit crab, to an elegant Tigress.

Reclaiming my power? Perhaps. Having a good day? It could be that too. Or maybe it's the final inspiration and encouragement from a good friend who's found himself, and isn't afraid to follow his intuition.

I feel as though I'm coming back to myself in many ways. That I'm accepting the darker parts of me, that I'd labeled "unacceptable" because others thought they were. Those parts I denied, tried to rub out and change, or hide. But beneath it all - they are a part of who I am.

In the past, seeing these bits has caused me to try and cover up, dive deep into my shell to hide them. My confidence crashed as I allowed these bits to be picked apart, dissected, and displayed before me. Everyone has dark parts, just as everyone has light parts.

I no longer have the urge to shriek out, "This is who I am - and it's okay!" Instead, I smile quietly, knowing, that I am enough. I am amazing. And most of all - I am loved. And I know, that those reading this who love me, are probably smiling right now.

And those of you who knew this Tigress before the tender hermit crab stage of the last few years, are probably cheering and shouting, "That's the girl we know!" (And thank you for those of you who've told me in person.) ;)

I'm not sure how long this feeling will last. I'd like to think I've gotten over that hump, that I've found a new me. As two wise friends have reminded me - life goes in cycles. So I'm taking baby steps. I'm delegating. I'm recruiting backup.

And I'm enjoying this feeling.

Journey to the Sea

They say the journey begins with a single step, and ours did indeed, though the key part was the crossing of a bridge. The weather was foggy, so you could only see so far. It reminded me of how we needed to stay in the present moment, and focus on what was in front of us, as opposed to where we were going or what was ahead.

I think I smiled the entire vacation. My heart was full. I was with my family. I was visiting family and meeting friends of old and new. My heart was full, bursting with joy and gratitude. I found myself enjoying everything - the car ride, the kids, the people, the views, the food - it was heaven. I made the most of each moment, treasuring with all of my senses.

Gifts can be wrapped up in packages and tied up in string, or they can be wrapped in what you least expect. Everywhere I turn I discovered something sweet (and not just the chocolate!). We spent time with some amazing people. Even hubby enjoyed himself (and that is a rare thing when it involves new people).

When visiting my mom, she sent the kids on a radish hunt. She'd picked two, then had them search for the leaves in the garden where they got to pick more. She took the time to set up a feast in her part of the house, and fed us throughout the day, until my brother came in, and fed us more.

I found that I was not only fed on the physical level. My spirit, my very soul felt nurtured and loved throughout the week. We were able to see a few friends (sorry if we didn't get to see more of you - we only had so much time!), and even though some plans fell through (thanks to work and flash floods), everything still fell into place.

I found that when I just enjoyed what happened, when I made the most of events, people, things, and feelings, there seemed to be some type of pattern or plan in place. So, we embraced it and went with it.

Eventually we made our way to the beach. The beach has always been healing for me. There is something about the waves, the ocean itself, and the sand. I always need to say hello, and to listen. I like to stand at the edge, and let the waves kiss my toes and embrace my feet. Joy filled me, traveled through me. I wanted to dance, even go into the waves and let the water baptize me with joy and contentment. You can almost let things go with the tide, to be taken away into the oceans depths, and not have to worry about them.

We wondered how Pook would react to the water and sand this time. She loved it. It was a joy to watch her play in the sand and the waves. She made a new friend, and we made new friends. There was an overflow of gratitude on so many levels. There was full, total, and complete relaxation. And laughter, oh the laughter!


We found that time was relative. We stayed up until the wee morning hours indulging in chit-chat, chocolates and pomegranate margaritas. There were rum and cokes, 10 layer cakes, mini do-nuts ;), and other delights to tease the tast buds.

The environment was laid back and loving. The people were kind, generous, interested, interesting, and overall wonderful. There is something about being able to be with people who just take you as you are. People with whom you can let down your guard and just be yourself without worry. People whom you can laugh with, and share precious moments with.


We made some incredible memories. We had an awesome time. My heart is filled with gratitude for the people, the moments, the fun, the laughter - ALL of it.

Thank you. I am basking in blessings.

The Healing

Recently, something happened. Years of pent up anger, jealousy, frustration, miscommunication, obsession, and torment were resolved in the period of less than two days by simply listening and embracing compassion. Like water spiraling and emptying out through a drain into the sea, the negativity dissipated as something "clicked" and I was able to let go.

Now, my heart is filled with peace. I am filled with peace and love. And the beauty, whereas I once felt I "had to" reach out, take action, get involved and help fix, is that I have found the path that is best for me. It is one of love and compassion with detachment. I don't have to be connected to love. I don't have to reach out to fix what doesn't want (or may not need) to be fixed.

It's okay.

Through acceptance, I was not only able to accept another; I was able to accept myself. The person I was, the things that I do now, the things I don't do, and my perceptions of me, are okay. I was able to see that I am a compassionate, and loving being, a part of me has always been.

And for this, I am so grateful.

Thoughts on Lent

Is it too late to think about Lent the second day into it? As I believe each day gives us the chance to start anew, I don't think so. I just need to embrace that tense feeling that "I've missed something" or that I'd be doing something "wrong".

I know that Lent is usually a Catholic thing. I'm not going to go into my religious beliefs here. I will say, that I really like the idea behind Lent. Well, my idea that is. I've found over the years it's come to mean many things for many people. To some, you give up something you really love, as a reminder of Christ's sacrifice. To others, you give up something that's not good for you. To me, well, it's been many things. And then today, I read this:

http://willows95988.typepad.com/tongue_cheek/2009/02/lent-a-time-set-aside-for-us-to-look-at-who-we-are-and-give-it-away-freely.html

and something hit me.

There are many times I've been afraid to be myself. I've boxed me up, covered me up, tried to be something I'm not, and run away in denial, as far and fast as I could. And then I realized, I can't. Who I am leaks through into my writing, my speech, my words, my actions. There was a time when I didn't like who I was, when I was afraid of who I was, because I realized that I was guilty of what I was judging others for.

Over the years, I've been blessed to see the light within others, and in turn myself. That light has been able to grow, enlightening those parts of me I wanted to keep in the dark. And you know what? They weren't so bad. In fact, they are what make me the amazing human being I am.

So who am I? I don't have just one answer, and in many ways, I don't know the answer. I'm a woman, functioning as a mother, wife, lover, teacher, dancer, artist, homemaker, home keeper, muse, creator, friend, daughter, sister, aunt... I do so very many things on a daily basis, that sometimes I can not keep up.

And what do I give away freely this month? Inspiration. Creativity. Compassion. Listening. Support. Love. Who wants some?

A gift revolution...

I just had to share the coolest idea. Instead of exchanging gifts each year, my friend and her hubby create experiences together. They do things they've never done before - like the opera or symphony. Or, they do simple things like going to the zoo, a weekend in Gettysburg, etc.

How cool is this?

Recently, we've been discussing gifts in regards to our kiddos, and came up with an awesome idea. Instead of exchanging material gifts or toys, we will make plans to create an experience for the kids. Be it the zoo, a park, etc., we'll all get to hang out and see each other. We'll take lots of pictures, and then each girl will put together a scrapbook page for the other's book.

Of course, this means I get to embark on scrap booking, which I'm not sure how I feel about. The little doodads and stuff are cute, but that means investing in bits and bobs, that I don't know if I'm ready for yet.

In any case, I'm sure it's going to be beautiful regardless, and a neat project for me and the Pook.

Holidays over the years

After responding to Stacie's comment on my last post, I got to thinking about how I used to percieve and celebrate Christmas (and general holidays) versus how I celebrate them now.

For one thing, I'd stock up on sales and gifts throughout the year. Then, I'd forget about said gifts when it came time for the holiday, only to find it a week later when restocking on more things I got on sale for the next year. Mind you, some of these things I just bought on sale, regardless of whether or not the gift recipient might like them. And did I mention, I'd give some sort of gift to every friend or acquaintence I knew?

Then, I'd always think that I needed to add to my decor every year. You know, build it up. Regardless of whether or not I had too much stuff, or if I needed it or not.

When we got married, and my sweet hubby counted that I was planning on getting and giving over 60 some gifts to people, he gave me this "we need to talk" look. We then had a really long talk. I'm blessed with a wonderful hubby, who really gets me to think about things. (And visa versa I hope...) Was it really necessary to give to all these people? (Some of whom I hadn't seen in ages, or years.) Were these people going to appreciate the gifts I'd gotten, or would then end up regifted or given away? Did I have the time to put these things together? Etc. Etc.

The first year, we bought a tree (hub's allergic to the real deal), our own beautiful angel to top it, stockings to hang, and a few greens and things to go around the house. We'd owned our own house now, so there was more to decorate. However, I also inherited an entire box of ornaments, knick-knacks, and other things from my mom's house when we moved.

We put out all the decorations. The next year, there we still decorations in the box, yet, I'd managed to buy more. Thankfully, the gift list had been cut in half, and after calculating how much we had spent for everything, I began to cut it it down again for the next year.

Now, five years later, we have all the decor we need. (Although, there are always a few things I keep on the lookout for - like embroidered hand towels for the kitchen and bath.) We only exchange gifts with immediate family, and a few friends (as opposed to all), and have made other agreements with friends. (Instead of a physical gift, we just get together to spend time together.) Some people get baked goods, some get bought goods, and this year, I'm excited because we're giving a gift that keeps giving to others http://www.heifer.org/ .

I also really think about the gifts I want to give. This has been most prevalent in the last year or so. I try to keep them clutter free (unless it's something I'm sure they'll like and use or keep). If I'm baking, I'll do a bread for some, and I do have special cookie requests I give into each year. I also try to get all gifts ordered and taken care of by early November.

The day after Thanksgiving, the Christmas decor goes up, so I like to be finished with most stuff by then so that we can just kick back and enjoy December. Though I used to enjoy waiting until the mauls... er malls... we decorated in their seasonal glory, now, it's nice to just go and enjoy, without rushing around madly to find certain things.

Sometimes I wonder how my changes will effect our children. I hope in a good way. I learned my habits from my mom, and with the help of my beloved hubby, I've found what works best for me, and for us.

So, hubby, thank you. Thank you for being you, and thank you for encouraging me to be me, and helping me find the simplicity I've been seeking. Granted, I know there are times you'd rather not do gifts at all, but I also know that you know how important it is for me to give something during this time.

Tis a Gift to be Simple

It's been a hectic, but fun weekend. I am excited about Christmas this year, as we've seriously cut down on giftgiving, and found some neat gifts to give instead. For those of you who are just joining in, we are in the midst of house hunting, and saving. Thus, we are on a budget.

By mutual agreement, with are not exchanging gifts with the BILs, my SIL, and the SO. We are giving gifts to my sweet nephew though. And, I've been stocking his up for some time I admit. And, I didn't realize just how relaxing it is, as I don't have to worry about what to get anymore. It helps too, that we are all saving money at the moment.

I admit, we've already gone a bit off budget, when I found the Pook a doll house for Christmas, that was over budget, but at 50% off for the house and furniture, irresistable. Plus, I could just see in my head how I wanted to present it to her.

I am really excited about my latest discovery though: http://www.heifer.org/. You can check out the site to find out more about it.

This site has solved many things for me. I now have a gift for the people who have everything, and I feel that I'm doing something good with my gift. Plus, I like knowing that in someway, I'm making a contribution to someone who can really use it, in the name of another. Plus, it's just cool to donate honey-bees, chickens, or a llama. :)

For the lucky ones in our family, we'll be baking them mini loaves of gingerbread, zuchini bread, banana nut bread, and pumpkin bread. Complete with recipes. The breads are healthier then cookies, and for sweet grandmas who no longer can cook homeade things, a real treat. (Apparently, Dad's like them too!)

I want to teach Pook the importance behind the gift, not the gift itself. I've been craving simplicity (usually happens after a few weeks of choas), and last year was rather stressful figuring stuff out. This year, we are buying a few things, but, they are clutter free, something wanted, or things I'd picked up throughout the year.

This will be the last year, for a while, when we try to make it back for Christmas. And, I'm looking forward to Christmas at home for a change. I love seeing and spending time with the family, but, the Santa myth really looses something. Not that we've really done anything to encourage that myth...

On the homeschooling front, I'm really excited, because a friend of mine and I decided to start our own little support group. There are quite a few coops in the area, and I have connections, but to meet every week has been challenging with the other activities. So, we've decided on once a month; however, it might be twice a month. I'm also going to sign up for one of the field trips groups as well.

I am just so psyched about the whole process. I'm looking forward to learning with her, starting a nature journal, creating projects... I have decided, that if she ever decides she wants to attend regular school, she'll have that choice. However, most of the kids I know that are homeschooled love the freedom and choices they have.

So, today, I'm just filled with that sense of wonder and contentment. I've gotten confirmation I'm on the right path with Pook, and things are again falling into place.