My One Thing

So, I've been thinking about this, a lot since my first post on it. What is my one thing? I started thinking about what my likes are, what I'm drawn to, etc. And, well, I'm coming out with an awareness about myself I believe I've been denying. Which, ties into this post interestingly enough, involving who I am.

Over the last few years, I've become a bit more logical, a bit more grounded in reality. It's been good, and fascinating, and has changed me. I've never really been grounded in reality to the extent I have been these last few years. I wouldn't consider myself to be a logical person, actually a part of me rebels against logic and rationalism. Though I've wanted to be these things, because they makes sense and can be proven, and easily defended most times. And yet, all I can say, is that many times it doesn't "feel" right.

If you met me many years ago, I'd have told you that "everything happens for a reason", just "let go and let god", karma is real, and that "everything is working out for the greater good", oh, and that yes, you definitely create your own reality via your thoughts. I'd also tell you, "I go by how it feels." I'm still on the wall with a few of these things, and I now totally understand why I got such crazy looks when I spouted these words off to others who didn't believe them. They were my truth, my center, my light and my comfort. And then, one day, someone in my life pointed out some things, and suddenly, I wasn't so sure anymore. I wasn't so sure about god either.

I'm digressing; I know.

I used to make most of my decisions based on how I felt. And, when I didn't, I ended up feeling bad. Feelings - as in sensations and emotions, have always been a large part of my life and my enjoyment of life. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how intertwined feelings are in my life. So, what is my one thing? Feeling, no, maybe a better word would be Sensual (as in basking in the senses).

I enjoy the various textures of materials. Give me soft sheets and fabric to wrap up in. My house is strewn with pillows and blankets. With the exception of the kitchen, I think I've pillows in every room actually...

I enjoy how I feel when I touch a fabric, or when I find a certain color or pattern that can only be described as yummy. Oh, how I love the calmness I feel when I see a color like khaki/sage green! Or the vivid color and scent of lavender! Pictures can stir within various sensations for me. I love how I feel when I complete a sewing project, or while I'm stitching.

I don't just look at certain things - I feel them. My grandmother's chairs feel soft and velvety, and enable me to feel her and think about her - even though she's not with me. Her crocheted blanket is the same way, and now I've her old outdoor table and chairs that are hard and firm metal, and stir emotions in me.

Oh, and food? I love chai lattes (both taste and texture) with peanut butter on toasted Ezekiel bread for breakfast. Or vanilla yogurt with fresh berries? Yum. Give me a pomegranate, and I am in heaven with the taste and texture. I love digging out the ruby red seeds (oh what color!) and feeling the crunchy squish followed by the sweet tartness - Oh how all of my senses just dance!

I love the taste of my friend Linda's homemade bread. She serves it with salad and cheese (usually), and it is heaven. It doesn't feel or taste the same if I'm not at the farm, and with her. I think it's because when I'm there, I'm not just enraptured with the taste and textures and scenery, but her love. And, I adore the feeling of love and feeling loved.

I read books, especially ones that leave me feeling good, peaceful, inspired, or blissful. And I like to read, because I like how it feels to hold a book and look at the words and just sit with it. I love reading outside, where I can feel the breeze and hear the wind chimes, and feel the sun.

When I watch a movie or video, if it moves me, it is because I feel it. I will cry if I am moved to it - be it because it is inspiring, loving, hopeful, or horrible. My heart aches along with the heart broken, sings along with the hopeful, and routes for the underdog. Whether it be watching an autistic student who was let on the team at the last minute and scores, to an underdog who's appearance only enhanced the voice, to the lady love of a native American warrior who jumps off the cliff after he was pushed rather than stay with the chieftain who claimed her - oh yeah. I'm feeling it, and crying my eyes out.

And then there are massages... oh. sweet. heaven. A massage of any kind? Bring it on! You can bet that I'm not only basking in how I feel; I'm taking in the feel of the sheets on the table as well the scent of the room and the sweet music. I absorb it all like a sponge. When I'm lucky enough to get hubby to rub my feet, or play with my hair - I bliss out.

I enjoy how I feel when I eat home cooked food versus store bought. I like the feeling of dancing to music, letting my body move to the beat, moving by feel. Before I fall asleep, I'm focused on the soft feel of the sheets and pillow, listening to the rhythm of hubby's (and sometimes the Pook's) breathing, and just basking in that moment of being and feeling and sensing it all. I like the feel of my husband's arms around me, his tender kisses, or when he looks at me and I can feel his love.

Heaven is present in my children, whom I breathe in and hold so close to me, for I know that "this too shall pass." I like to sometimes just sit and breathe and feel - the warm sun on my face, the wind blowing, the warmth and taste of hot tea or a cold drink. I enjoy experiencing events and people based on how they feel to me because I can jump in and absorb it all.

And not only do I enjoy feeling and being sensual - I like to create a sensual environment for others. When you come to my home, I aim for my guests to feel comforted, cared for, and wanted. Come for a meal, and you can bet that I (and my helpers) enjoyed setting the table, picking out music and cloth napkins, and creating a set mood.

I like inspring people feel good about themselves, and I like to help people connect with the joy, the love, being grateful and feeling wanted or needed. It's so much more when everyone feels the joy.

So, yeah, my one thing is Sensual. Definitely.

A fresh start

Life has been interesting lately. Moments of synchronicity (too intense for me to simply chalk up to coincidence), have been happening all over the place. Opportunities for fresh starts and new starts have been presenting themselves right and left.

And I'm taking them.

The last few years have been interesting for me. Filled with wonderful learning opportunities and interesting relationships. I've had ups, downs, overs and outs, moments of intense doubts, worries, expectations - and to an extent I still do.

And in the last two days, I've felt a shift of such intensity. It's been incredible. And it's not just me. People being brought together again, daring to open up after years of closing off for the fear of being in pain. Connecting with people having similar spiritual dilemmas as myself. Rediscovering a gift in old friends. Finding a long denied solace (because it wasn't logical).

Part of me feels as though I'm rediscovering myself again. (Do I do this often? Maybe.) And yet, instead of seeking out who I want or think I should be, it's more of accepting who I am, and making choices, despite what research tells me I should be doing, based on how I feel.

Part of me is done with the shoulds, and many other things. "I'm done." That's my key phrase. And in being done, it's as though stating that out loud, admitting my weaknesses, that I am afraid and feeling emotions I fear, acknowledging those parts of me that I'm not happy with, have I opened a door?

It would seem so. And I'm going through though.

Just who are you -really?

One of my dearest friends and I had a discussion the other day, about who one really is, and why we are so different amongst other people. She sent me this website to ponder on:

http://chezfabulous.blogspot.com/2009/04/cant-stand-heat.html

Have I been sacrificing whom I truly am? Oh, yes. I have been. Do I have outmoded personas? Probably.

So many good things to ponder as of late. Hmmm...

One Thing

I just read this, and had to share.

http://goodlifezen.com/2009/01/26/what-is-the-one-thing-in-your-life/

It has me wondering what my one thing is. Right now, I'm not sure. I plan on coming back to it though.

Moments 14

Waking up at 4 a.m., looking around in the darkness, snuggling close to a warm body, and drifting in and out of dreams.

Pulling myself from bed to greet a babe reaching for me with a big smile.

Humming to myself while in the kitchen, feeding the babe. "I love you. I am nurturing you," I whisper as she eats. Holding her close; breathing her in.

Tucking sweet babe back in to enjoy a workout alone, in morning's stillness. (When's the last time that ever happened?) Feeling my blood pump, pushing my body to move, kick, and jump.

Waking sweet husband, setting up things so that he too can get in a quick workout before work.

Helping him gather breakfast and his things as he rushes out the door. Knowing that he's relishing that it's Friday.

Going through the daily-ness of today. Taking things step by step. Watching my eldest put peanut butter on her morning toast. Later, hearing her ask me, yes, ask and get upset that I cleaned the other toilet last night.

Watching eldest figure out math, whilst her sister softly and tenderly succumbs to sleep.

Focusing on what is in front of me, instead of worrying about what I "should" be getting done for tomorrow.

Soulemama asks, "What beautiful ordinary/simple things have you found joy in today?"

I love, LOVE this blog. Soulemama little bits of peaceful bliss and craftiness is inspiring and soothing to my soul. And when she asked via this post today:

What beautiful ordinary/simple things have you found joy in today?

How could I not answer?

Just today, I am finding joy in the rumpled hair of my now 6-yr-old. There is peace when she puts her cheek against mine, and just leaves it there. The way my 8-month-old is curled on her side, peacefully sleeping in dream land. The "hugs" I get from the baby when she holds on to me, snuggling her sleepy head into my neck. A cup of chai latte, that's still warm! And peanut butter spread on a piece of toast. There is joy outside with the song of birds and in the gray mist.

I'm sure I'll find more as the day wears on. Thank you Soulemama! Yet again!

Moments 13

Feeling overwhelmed with life's to do lists and the amount of work I'm plodding through today. Taking a moment to breathe in sleeping baby and hold her close. Feeling the tender cheek of Pook.

The realization that I need to pull back and focus on what is in front of me to get through these next few months. Sadness over miscomunication in a friendship.

Gratitude at a friend reaffirming that she loves me anyway, even though she thinks it's weird I have moments of hibernation, where I need to pull back from the world.

Surrounded by good friends for four days, and making a new one. Just the healing my heart needed.

Basking in this moment of silence, before returning to work and the baby wakes.