Advice

Perhaps I need to start receiving some of the advice that I've been giving as of late. I gave this to a friend who's going through a really hard time, and yet, I keep find myself reading it over and over again...

It was then I realized, maybe this isn't just for me, and someone else needs to hear it as well... and so, I'll share...

((HUGS)) Go outside. Feel the sun on your face. Take a deep breath. Life happens.
And when things happen that leave us feeling knocked down and dragged out, it's time to find moments that enable us to rejuvenate, if not in big ways, then small ones. And don't be afraid to feel it.
Let yourself feel the disappointment, anger, and frustration - cry, work through it and get it out -
don't hold it in.
And then let yourself feel, really deep-down feel, a hug, a breeze on a sunny day, the flowers blooming around you, the laughter of a child... because it's all there. It's all life. Feel the sorrow, let it go.
Feel the love. The love, it's always there. And helps to get us through the other stuff.
Thinking of you... wishing you moments of peace amidst the challenges.
"This too will pass."

Decisions

The last few months my mind has been filled with thoughts, and a sub-conscious that has been screaming (very loudly, and via all of my writing outlets and then some), that I need to slow down, maybe even stop. But I was terrified to stop, afraid that I'd loose momentum if I did.

And yet, it kept getting louder, and it was clear that I was feeling off balance, as was my family.

My time has been really full the last few months - work, homeschooling, activities, Squeak's allergies and therapy, not getting enough sleep, travel, and probably other things that I've been forgetting. Life had become overwhelming, and I couldn't keep up. Then, I'd ream myself out for not keeping up. Yet I still wouldn't slow down.

Finally, I realized, I had some serious decisions to make. Something needed to give. I needed to slow down and stop. I needed to stop comparing myself to how much others did and were doing, and just stop. I was unbalanced, and until I regained that balance, I was going to continue struggling and fighting a loosing battle.

And so, I stopped, took a breath, decided to tweak our schooling for the month to be more laid back to help with the burnout. We choose to homescool for many reasons, one of which was that I wanted to take most of December off to really enjoy the holiday. And I've not done that yet - until this year.

Instead of opting to do all the activities we've done in the past, we opted to do something that suited our family. We needed to soothe our souls, rejuvenate out minds, bodies and spirits, and to slow down. And through the years, we have discovered that means NFP weekends (No F'n Plans).

And so that is what we are doing. We've opted to stay in for the month. I do not work (my computer is turned off all of Saturday and most of Sunday), nor do I do work, on the weekends. We won't be attending fancy holiday parties, or running all over the place. We make it a point to read, play games, do something creative as a family.

Winter is generally a time for hibernating for our family anyway. It's a natural rhythm that we all enjoy and benefit from. We have for years, and one day, it may shift. For now, I want to honor it, nurture it, and savor it, as opposed to fighting it, or not doing it because someone else thinks that we shouldn't be doing it.

I've decided it's time to listen to that voice of intuition I've spent the last 5 years denying (questioning and doubting), and have reconnected with (in Spring).When I used to listen to that voice, I was able to trust and let go of fear. Because I knew, from the depths of my soul, I knew where to go based on how I felt about things. Even if logically it didn't make sense, and the rest of the world tried to convince me otherwise, when I listened, and I mean really listened and followed that gut instinct - I found I was right where I was supposed to be.

So many times I have reached out to others for input on a decision, instead of trusting that "feeling". Actually, I ignored it because it was just a "feeling" and there was no "proof" behind it. But this year, I've known when I walked into a building, I was meant to be there. I've watched things fall into place when the time was best, and not before. I've remembered what it felt like to "know", and that enabled me to move past the guilt and self-doubt, to trust myself.

In trusting myself, I am taking time to ask myself some questions, to give things some thought, to dare to do things that others might not like or approve of.

It's been snowing here, and if I don't feel comfortable driving in it, or if I choose to stay home and enjoy it, so be it. Mind you, this decision came after an intense struggle involving "to go" or "not to go" to an activity for Squeak when it was snowing. I felt guilty for not going, for not making the most of the money I'd spent, and for not "doing enough" for my child. Thankfully, it was canceled, but it got me thinking, and I didn't feel like getting so stressed out about it again. Giving myself permission to "bow out" to say no - is liberating.

I've decided that I'm not sending out the yearly Christmas letter updating the details of our life over the year.  There has been SO much that has happened, that I'm not even sure a letter will do it justice. And frankly, there are other things requiring my time and attention. So this year, I'm deciding to "bow out".

We've chosen to be nontraditional in regards to Christmas this year. We're taking a long weekend, just our little family, with no guests or visitors. We will drink hot cocoa, tea and chai lattes and create our own little feasts. We'll probably stay in PJs the whole time.

There are Christmas movies that we'd like to watch. Wii we'd like to play. There will Christmas music. We'll probably dance and sing. We might be inspired to paint, sketch, or sculpt. We'll hopefully read. We might not leave the house the entire weekend. There are no plans set in stone.

Pook is excited about Christmas this year - more so than those of the past. Da Hub is glad that we won't be traveling, and excited that he can sleep in and stay in PJs all weekend. Squeak is just happy to have us all around. And as for me, well, it feels right for us, and I'm excited that we've made this choice.

Lost in thought...

A lot has been happening in our little world these last few months, and it's been time for some quiet introspection. I'm not sure if I'm ready to return to the world of blogging just yet... but it's so nice to know that it's here.

This is a phrase that's been getting me through, and enabling me to make some recent decisions:

Remind yourself these are your only three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it.

So I'm taking things one step at a time. Working through, figuring things out, and trying to get in touch with something I've misplaced over the last few years.

It's been snowing here, and I'm loving that silence. I'm currently fighting the urge to just stop everything. I long to hunker in the house, save to leave for sledding, and just BE. I want to hunker under a blanket for days, leaving only to make a new cup of tea, get a new book, and snuggle up with my children. But life seems to be getting in the way of that.

So until I return, I'm taking things step-by-step. We'll see where I end up.

How I fell in love with the City

I have, since I can remember, always considered myself to be a country gal. I've been to a few cities in my lifetime, and none have impressed me. Although, the West side of New York, as least as presented in "You've Got Mail" was always tempting for me. But was that really what a city could be like? And I'm talking about the "feel" that was created - not just the look.

One of the local flower shops.

And then, we went to Toronto. My dear Canadians, I LOVE this city. Not only did I get to spend a week with friends, but I felt as though I was living in the movie "You've Got Mail". Seriously. The vendors are decked out for autumn with mums and pumpkins, and sometimes gorgeous floral arrangements IN pumpkins.

The street where we stayed has a Starbucks to the left and to the right. I was treated to a tall chai nonfat milk chai latte from each (Thank You!!!). And a Timothy's where I was treated to the most delicious pumpkin chai latte and had to buy a large before heading home... YUM! Which I was able to enjoy with some delicious pastries for breakfast, and still have some leftover to enjoy along with a good book The Thirteenth Tale. Bliss.

The old theater

And, speaking of books, there is a bookstore and library in walking distance. The bookstore, Chapters, was once an old movie theater. And they've kept the integrity of the old theater. From the stage, to an old projector, to the old seats that can be found tucked in amongst the shelves of book. This is a shot from the balcony of the store.

And the childrens' section was simply delightful, complete with its own stage and a nook to curl up in, as one couple was doing. (Any place else would've been fine... but the children's section? Come on folks... )

Shot of the children's mini stage

There is something so simple about being able to walk to get groceries, go to the library, or a community store. I liked not needing a car to get around. I loved being able to watch the people as they walked, to wonder what their stories might be.

Most of the people are stylishly decked out in fashionable attire. People care about how they look here, and each outfit makes a statement of some kind.

I loved the plethora of bakeries and coffee houses in the area. And, if I lived here, I'm sure that I'd put on about 20 pounds and develop a latte factor that would not be budget friendly. I have been seduced by the proximity, the architecture of the neighborhood, and the divine restaurants - and I'm not even down town!
 
Toronto's science center was really cool, as was the ROM museum. Riding the subway was fun, and I found myself wanting to be outside more and more. I loved driving through the cities, and wished I'd gotten a picture of the trees growing on a few of the roofs.

Autumn has always thrilled me. Autumn in the city has amazed me. I have fallen in love. I always thought I was a country girl at heart... but this week, I realized that I could actually live in and enjoy the city.

Autumn in Toronto

New Flooring

Saturday morning, after we emptied the room, I stepped in to remember. The emptiness reminded me of the flux that has been my life, with kids (and before kids), things are continually changing. And now, this room will change again.

 It has been privileged to live many life times, this room. First, it severed as hubby's bed room when we first bought the house and before we were married. Then, it became our guest room when people visited. When I became pregnant with Pook, it was turned into her room.

The walls were painted in colors with an animal trim. We tenderly put in her crib, peppered the room with baby toys, books, clothes, and other good things.

As eldest grew, the crib turned into a bed, and more toys entered the mix. When the second one was expected, we added in a crib and more baby stuff. It was getting pretty cluttered in there, but they loved it.

And now, it stood empty, warmed by the sun, waiting for it's next metamorphosis. I walked in and began to lift the carpeting. I pulled it up, pulled up the carpet strips and staples, until you could see the floor beneath.

And then it began. Thanks to a precious gift from friends, we began to install the new flooring. The new floor that would help our little one to deal with her dust mite allergies.

 Slowly, we watched the floor come into place. It was gorgeous. As we put the stuff back in, Pook had a simple request for space. She didn't want all the stuff back in. She wanted a simple corner, or two, where she could sit and be quiet. And, space in the floor of the closet where she could keep her big blocks to build her castle.

Complete with guards.

So now, this room has changed again. It's peaceful, colorful, and the least cluttered room of the house... It's given me food for thought about the rest of my house. (Especially since I need to reorganzie a few things and get rid of or find space for more of the toys... Hmmm....

Sometimes, we don't realize that we want space until we see it and are given it.

Moments and hopes

My favorite barn

Wow. Hard to believe I've been away for a month. But I couldn't help it. So much has been happening, and there hasn't been much time for me to gathering my thoughts and write them down. In August we traveled and spent a week with dear friends, and celebrated a very special birthday of my youngest, who is now 2. We also started up with schooling again, gradually adding in more and more each week. We're still not quite where we want to be, but that's okay, because we are taking our time.

Gathering Eggs

We've got some new activities in our lives this fall, making for a very full and hopefully fun autumn. And I'm sure, that winter will be here before I know it. So, if postings are slim, it's because we're living a full life for a while.

I'm hoping that it will include more visits to the barn, and more moments to gather eggs.

But most of all, I'm hoping to find more of these moments:

Serene Moment

Moments of quiet, where I can watch the fog outside and feel the autumnal chill in the air, and sip on hot tea, and maybe, just maybe find some time to read, crochet, and paint. Yeah, I need more of these right now.

Life Shifts

One day, you find yourself trapped in a box of your own making that limits you in ways you weren't aware of. Perhaps you wake up and realize what you've been missing, or maybe suddenly you can clearly see the walls of your own creation. And then, you have a choice. Will you stay in the box? Or will you let the walls fall and move forward into the world outside?

This last week, I let my walls fall. I took a deep breathe, and stepped out and did things I haven't done before. It was scary at first, but seriously invigorating proving to myself that YES, I CAN do this. And do it I did. And I did it again. And again.

And I made a decision, maybe more than one, to really LIVE and embrace my life. I didn't realize I wasn't doing that until recently. And it's made a huge difference.

With a simple shift in perspective, I have shifted my life. And I'm quite happy with the results.

The Dragon Fly

I'm about to get spiritual, and write about symbolism and totems. So, if that's not your thing, you can skip this post.

Lately, I've been seeing dragon flies a lot. I've even considered getting a tatoo of one, because I find them so beautiful. In my bedroom, hangs a card from a friend, with two dragon flies dancing amongst the cattails and the moon. In my bathroom, is a watercolor of a dragonfly I found in a book, that I had to frame. And then, there was the visit to the farm, where my husband became obsessed with photographing butterflies and dragonflies.

I've looked them up before, and they've applied, but when a friend sent me a link today, about the dragonfly and the swan, I knew that it was time to look into this a bit further. Especially, because the story was too in tune, and too spot on in regards to things.

And so, I found this site: http://www.dragonfly-site.com/meaning-symbolize.htm

And found it incredibly applicable to my life and the situations that I'm dealing with, in many ways.


For one thing, I'm dealing with a lot of change this year. And I mean a lot. Change is interesting. It pushes us from our comfort zone, provides the opportunity to submit or fight it, to embrace or complain about it. I'm not crazy about change in the least. Maybe because I've been dealing with more than I'd like to this year. Most of it has been good for me, but there is a part of me that is scared by it.

I did find some comfort in the information on the dragonfly though. I am indeed experiencing a change in self-realization, which is indeed connected to my mental and emotional maturity. And yeah, I've been coming across things tied into the deeper meaning of life. I found it interesting, how the dragonfly starts in water (emotions) then prepares to fly in the air (spirit). Especially because I've been rediscovering my spirituality, and what it means to me in a sense.


And then there is how it is linked to "elegance and grace". I've a fondness for grace, don't you know... :)

The section on the defeat of self-created illusions (of which I'm might have a few), and the association with "the discovery of one’s own abilities by unmasking the real self and removing the doubts one casts on his/her own sense of identity" well, let's just say that's been happening. In the last year or two, my sense of self has been torn open, exposed until raw, and now I'm working on the healing of it. I'm not too sure of my identity, but I do know that I'm on a journey to face my fears and let go of inhibitions.

Ah, and we come to the living in the moment. This has become SO important as of late. Especially in terms of my children. I've been holding them close, taking them in, making the most of my time with them. But this, this really gets me thinking: "By living in the moment you are aware of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, what you want, what you don’t and make informed choices on a moment-to-moment basis."

And so, I guess I'll keep my eyes open. Between the dragonflies and the butterflies (also a symbol of change), there is something going on. And I must admit, that I find the coincidences, or synchronicity most interesting.

Thoughts on Purpose and Dreams

Today, I was greeted by my daily bit of Ralph. The article's title was "Who you know you must be" and the first question asked me if I was having trouble getting motivated to move toward my dream. I paused, and wondered, do I even have a dream? Do I have a purpose?

I really had no clue.

Some friends gave me great advice on how your dreams and purpose can change from day-to-day. That we can grow and change, and our dreams and purpose with them. Thus, it is good to be able to go with the flow, and focus on the present moment.

As I sit here, typing with my youngest sleeping in my arms, I realized that I was holding one dream, and sitting next to another who was adding to a picture of a zoo in her work book. I'm married to my other dream, and live in another. Four out of four dreams come true - was not too shabby.

As for purpose, I've always associated that with the bigger picture. As in, what is my impact on others, or the world? But what if my purpose involved my 2 little dreams before me? What if my purpose was the care and nurturing of these two precious souls? What if I had more than one purpose?

Within me, I feel something stirring forth from the depths where I've buried thoughts like this. I'm not sure what my purpose is, or even how to expand on it. I'm not sure what my current dreams are...

And that, is actually okay with me right now. When the time is right, or if it's needed, I suppose I'll figure it out. :)

Peace in the Pond

On Thursday, I ventured out into an area I've never been before on my own. I was meeting a friend and her family at a lake for some chatting and eating, and maybe, if I dared, for some swimming. I'm not fond of driving, especially driving into an area I don't know, it tends to unnerve me. I knew I wanted, no, that I needed to go. So, I went, and managed to find my way there.

It had been a while since I'd seen my friend. Our schedules just didn't seem to match up. And during the school year, with the schedules of the kiddos, it was virtually impossible. This time, the universe worked with us, and we were able to meet up.

My friend has a body that is slim and trim. She's got a few years on me, and rocks a bikini like you wouldn't believe. She was like a goddess, and greeted me with he trademark smile and glass of wine in hand, followed by a huge hug. She smelled like minty herbs.

I wanted to melt into her. Her love spills over onto who ever she meets. Her smile, lights up a room. She is so in tune with her spirituality and faith, that you just tend to feel peaceful when she talks about it.

We made our way to the chairs on the deck, to have a good chat while her kiddos played. It was lovely to reconnect with her. To catch up, as best two moms can with kiddos present.

And then, she was ready to swim. She dove off and into the water with such grace. "C'mon in!" she said.

I looked at the fish in the shallow end, and and raised an eyebrow. "I don't know..."

"The fish aren't like that over here. C'mon in! It's velvety goodness for the spirit!"

After what I've been through, a comment like that was hard for me to resist. So, I made my way down the ladder. I got into the dark pond water, trying not to freak out about the possibility of fish.

She was right. It was velvety. It was warm on the top, and then, you'd hit a pocket of cold water. It freaked me out a bit. I was nervous, but I trusted her. I couldn't see to the bottom. I couldn't feel the bottom (not that I wanted to feel the bottom of a pond, mind you, as it's rather slimy). I was entering the unknown. Soon, I found myself trying to find the pockets of cold water, bubbling up from a spring underneath.

I got out before her, and chatted while she swam. At one point, I watched her lay back, close her eyes, and just take it all in while she floated, trusting the water to support her. That's how she lives her life, trusting in something that is greater than she is. Letting herself be guided and listening.

I enjoyed being in the water, being with her, swimming and feeling the support... of many things. In that moment, I trusted, let go, and allowed myself to just be. My spirit soared, inspired by her zest and love for life.

Yes, it was indeed good for my spirit. Dare I even say it was good for my soul.

So easily I forget...

Lately, I have wondered, what is my life's purpose? Maybe, it's to share my gift of being able to see the gifts in things. Maybe, it's being a good friend. Maybe, it's my ability to inspire others.

I keep forgetting the really big one. That I'm a mom. I'm not just a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), I'm a work-at-home mom (WAHM). And not only do I work at home, I home school.

In a conversation with hubby last night, I'd been feeling down, as we've been dealing with illness and a few other things on our plates. I was feeling overwhelmed, longing to throw away every thing and start anew, doubting myself and my abilities, feeling a bit lost.

I've gotten lost in the clutter of my house. Clutter can be controlled to an extent. A house can be cleaned, and you know and can see the result. If you don't have clutter, you're life is simpler!

I have gotten lost in the worries about a future that's not here. You don't know how your children are going to be in 10 years, or the world for that matter.

I've a tendency to compare myself a lot. Am I doing enough of this? Maybe I should be doing that? Oh! This looks like it's working for them, so maybe we need to try it. Am I being a good enough mother, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, friend? (I think I'm a pretty good wife, so I don't question that one.) Am I saving the earth, eating well, being all that I can be?

I've forgotten something important. I am who I am, and there is only one me, and one of my family. And I need to figure out what works best for US. Not everyone else. And yet, it's so easy to get caught up in the pretty pictures of magazines and blogs to see what your house/life "could"(should?) look like.

I have striven for a simple life. And yet, let's be real, choosing to home school and working from home does not simplify things. It adds to the paper work every year. It adds to the clutter. It takes up space in the house and in my head. And it takes up time, because I need to plan around my work schedule. At the same time, it allows me to live the life that I choose. It's also easy to forget when I hear about SAHMs doing this... and I want to try it forgetting that I work; that my life is not theirs.

And I'm not the only one who's been or gotten lost. I am ready to find myself again though.

Transformation

I've been spotting dragonflies and butterflies everywhere. And then, the other day, we discovered a toad living in our garden. He was as large as the palm of my hand.

I've a thing for animal totems, and what animals mean or the message they bring when they come into your life, because it would seem, that when I look up the meaning after taking notice, the message is indeed appropriate and well suited for what is occurring in my life.

And thus, I suppose you could say that I now pay attention.

And recently, I've felt like a caterpillar. Minding my own business. Eating good food, going about my life trying not to harm nor hurt. And just making my way along.

Until a moment came, when I had to speak up for my own feelings, and to take a stand. It took everything in me to speak my heart, because my nature is to fix things and find peace as quickly as I can.

I'd wish I'd spent more time in the cocoon. Enjoying the pause and slowness, and getting rest. But, I didn't. I felt as though I was plucked up, wrapped up, and tossed into a bag, turned to mush... and then, then I had to stretch my wings. And I still feel as though I'm stretching my wings, fighting to get out of the cocoon.

What will be in store after this? I am not sure, but I feel as though my perception of life is shifting.

The funny thing about dragonflies, butterflies, and toads ... all point to transformation. Will I turn into a butterfly? Will I fly with my wings? Will my wings be strong enough to fly?

Guess we'll find out.

A Monthly Birthday Celebration

This weekend, I shall celebrate another birthday. Pook, ensures me that it will be the "best birthday ever", for in the eyes of a 7YO, each birthday is better than the next. And, I happen to agree with her. She is quite smart you see.

She also informed me that I should celebrate it the entire month. (I mentioned she was a smart one!) So, I decided that I would. I'm taking this month to relax and enjoy my family. I will not be formally homeschooling. I plan to spend time at a pool or two (there is something about water in the summer). Enjoy the summer breezes (it's been heavenly this week). Play lots of games (someone is learning checkers). Read for enjoyment as well as to learn. And to take the time to pause, breathe, and enjoy things like cooking and food prep.

Squeak has been having a lot of break throughs, so I want to make sure that we take the time to nurture and celebrate how far she's come, and how close she is. I want to give her attention as she works on her sensory issues. She's been inspired by a new friend, and I don't want to loose that. I also want to make sure Pook is getting her fair share of attention as well.

So, I'm listening to my heart and slowing down. I want to savor things - life, moments, food, and people for a while. I want to take the time to walk slowly, breathe slowly, do things without feeling like I "have to" or feeling rushed. I want to box this feeling of slowness up and give it to you my dear readers as a gift.

I want time to think, to be, to figure out what I want to do with my life and what is currently happening in my life. I don't know if changes will be made. I hope to make a few. I do know, that I'm treasuring this month. I'm looking at it with the wonder and joy that Pook does.

Belated Reflections on June 17

June 17th is the birth day of a dear friend of mine. April 17th was the day of his death. I've see-sawed between the depths of sadness, and moments of joy. I've thought I was okay, only to burst into tears. I've spiraled down to the depths of a depression, and made my way back up to the surface.

At times I've treaded life's water until I was exhausted. I've had to make some pretty challenging decisions over the last half of the year, and there are still a few to make. And on June 17th, while mourning the absence of my friend, I discovered a rare and precious gift.

It was a day with the girls, and we spent most of it at the outlets. I knew it was going to be an interesting day when the reminder that it was R's birthday popped up on my screen, and I burst into tears.

It wasn't the first time I would shed a few. Cardinals (a bird my daughter told me would let us know that R was okay) were every where in the stores. I was late meeting up with the girls for lunch, as the sadness overwhelmed me. My appetite was not there, but I ate something to keep my blood sugar up, and we pressed on.

At dinner, I could feel it again. I was emotionally warn, and didn't want to burden the three lovely friends that were with me. When my dinner arrived, and it just wasn't very good, I closed my eyes and hoped they'd think I was just tired. But they new better.

When I returned from a bathroom break, they told me to sit down, and then, they did something amazing. They asked me what I needed. And when I told them I didn't know, they said that was okay, that they were there for me.

Eventually I confessed that I really wanted to be on the beach at night, standing in front of the waves, and honor my friend in some way. And so, we drove down the road a bit, hopped out of the car in the freezing cold, and trekked onto the sandy beach. We gathered together, sang songs, laughed, and huddled to stay warm.

And then, they asked me, what would I say to someone who was hurting as I was? What would I say to another? And I broke down. Because I have always been there for others, yet never really been there for me. And here, were 3 of my dearest friends encouraging me to nurture myself in ways that I've nurtured them. And all I could do was cry.

So there we stood, upon the shore, as I cried and they held me. And my one friend asked R to reach through her to me. (R practiced reiki.) And I know exactly the moment, because I felt the energy, and I felt my body relax as she held my hands. And it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever experienced.

Before we left, we stood watching the waves. I'd been enthralled by the waves since my arrival, and my friend C reminded me of this, and then asked me to think of what the word wave meant. And that maybe, just maybe, this was R's way of waving to me. I'd seen the cardinals. I'd shed the tears, and now, when I look at the waves, I can't help but wonder if he was waving to me.

I also wondered if R ever liked the beach. It would be a few days later when I discovered he used to work at a beach, selling umbrellas. Goosebumps, I tell you.

One thing is certain, I'll not look at them in the same way. And when I see waves, I now want to wave back. They say that salt water heals all things - via sweat, tears, and the sea. You know, I think there's something to that.

Happy Solstice!

Today is the longest day of the year. For some, it's the first day of summer, and for others it's mid summer (or reversed depending on where you live). For me, it's a new day, giving me the opportunity to reflect.

When you have light, those things that were hiding in the shadows are now able to be seen - if you choose to. Light presents awareness of those things you couldn't see in the dark. And, offers the opportunity to take a better look at things.

How many of you will take a good look, and allow yourself to be aware of what the light reveals? How many of you will remain unaware? What choice will you make?

March 1 - Mindful of Feelings

This morning, I am mindful of how I feel. There is a tiredness, an anticipation and an anxiety within me. I can feel the tightness in my chest - the solar plexus and heart area. Today, I am breathing through it, letting myself really feel it instead of running from it.

I breathe in, and I go and dwell there. I face the fear and tension. I focus on my breath... I breath in... I breathe out and I let go...

And as I breathe, I am gifted to hear the sweet spring song of a bird. I listen. I listen and I breathe.

March Mindfulness

March has always been a bittersweet month for me. It's the month when I celebrate the birth of my father and brother, and my grandfather until he passed. It's also the birthdays of two other sweet friends. It contains the spring equinox, bringing us one step closer to April and spring.

It has also been the month of letting go. Two of my grandparents let go of life in this month, and my husband's grandfather as well. Last year, I witnessed the letting go of a friendship before my eyes, that resulted in me letting go and stepping back.

And thus, I've always watched it approach with a strange anticipation and fearfulness. This year, I want to associate it with something more positive. So, I'm dubbing it "Mindful March" or instead of March Madness, we can have March Mindfulness.

I'm not sure yet, how I want to celebrate this month. I am thinking of capturing photos, which help me to slow down. And finding ways to be fully present in the various areas of my life. Perhaps, I'll commit to blogging about it. We shall see...

It looks as though I'm not the only one focusing on mindfulness this month either. (I can't help it, after I thought of it, I had to google it to see if I was the only one to connect March and Mindfulness.) Shambala Sun appears to be focusing on this topic as well for their March 2010 issue.

Any they've got some great sources of information:

A peak into the March 2010 Issue

How to Do Mindfulness Meditation

10 Tips for a Mindful Home

So, this March, I'm going to practice being Mindful. Anyone else wish to join me?

A Weekend Away...

"Give me your hands, if we be friends." - Puck, From A Midsummer Night's Dream

I had the pleasure of being able to run away this weekend, and spend it with four phenomenal ladies. The hands were dealt, the cards laid out, and then the universe stepped in to add its two cents.

It was a weekend where each one of us was given the opportunity to grow and stretch. It was a lesson in honesty and voicing feelings, in connection, letting go, and in discovering what it was like to be me without the walls (and I don't think I'm the only one who let the walls come down). I stepped away from my usual roles into a place where I just was.

It's been a long time since I've just let things flow, and stopped worrying about what the end result was. Here I am! I splay my cards upon the table, throwing them down with no real set pattern. The whole deck is there - there aren't any in my hands. I've been so tired of holding in, that I just let go.

Thankfully, it was in the midst of those who embraced it, who caught the cards that fell off the table, threw out their own to let them lie as we chatted, bonded, and shed a few tears. Each of us managed to give and receive this weekend. We stepped away from our roles as momma and wife, and let ourselves slip back into who we are as individuals. It enabled us to breathe, and explore that part of ourselves that is easily misplaced or lost, in an environment where we just are "us" and we are loved.

It's an amazing feeling when you can just be who you are, and let it flow without worry. I found a part of myself this weekend. And I found four other marvelous souls to share it with.

Lookout world... for here I am. And I don't know if I could close that door again... or if I want to.

When life gets in the way...

I live it.

And that is what I've been doing - living my life. Treasuring my little darlings (and my big one), riding the waves of homeschooling and tantrums, wiping away tears and snot, basking in the quiet moments (rare with Squeak's chatter) and the cuddling, remembering to breathe - for the sake of myself and family, celebrating Squeak's new therapy program that she qualified for, and helping her with therapy. Once Squeak starts eating, then there will be the diet and allergies to consider.

Time has been precious as of late, and there are many thoughts I wish to share with you... blog posts that have been percolating in the brain. They are there, I've just yet to type them out.

In the meantime, rest assured that life is full on this end. Wonderfully, marvelously, miraculously full... and we are living it.

Lady Tigress

That is how I feel after this week. We've finally got a diagnosis with Squeak as to why she isn't eating solid foods. She's got sensory issues, and needs to be in Birth - 3. I'm not sure what happened this week; perhaps it's the year's events building up and I'm reaping the gifts. Maybe, it's that this momma has had enough.

My child will eat. Allergies or not, I'm going to fight this and will see it through.

The whole experience has been interesting, as has this year for that matter. It's been interesting to see who's offered support, who's really reached out to be there for us, and who truly cared about what we were going through. We've a clear view of who gets it (and us) and who doesn't.

In the beginning, I felt small and scared, tender and raw. And then, a wave of love and friendship surrounded me, lifted me up, and helped to hold me together. I didn't have to ask. I didn't have to tell someone what I needed - they just knew. I didn't worry about being compared, about not doing enough. And now? I've gone from the scared-hiding in the shell (so I don't get hurt) hermit crab, to an elegant Tigress.

Reclaiming my power? Perhaps. Having a good day? It could be that too. Or maybe it's the final inspiration and encouragement from a good friend who's found himself, and isn't afraid to follow his intuition.

I feel as though I'm coming back to myself in many ways. That I'm accepting the darker parts of me, that I'd labeled "unacceptable" because others thought they were. Those parts I denied, tried to rub out and change, or hide. But beneath it all - they are a part of who I am.

In the past, seeing these bits has caused me to try and cover up, dive deep into my shell to hide them. My confidence crashed as I allowed these bits to be picked apart, dissected, and displayed before me. Everyone has dark parts, just as everyone has light parts.

I no longer have the urge to shriek out, "This is who I am - and it's okay!" Instead, I smile quietly, knowing, that I am enough. I am amazing. And most of all - I am loved. And I know, that those reading this who love me, are probably smiling right now.

And those of you who knew this Tigress before the tender hermit crab stage of the last few years, are probably cheering and shouting, "That's the girl we know!" (And thank you for those of you who've told me in person.) ;)

I'm not sure how long this feeling will last. I'd like to think I've gotten over that hump, that I've found a new me. As two wise friends have reminded me - life goes in cycles. So I'm taking baby steps. I'm delegating. I'm recruiting backup.

And I'm enjoying this feeling.