Thoughts on Purpose and Dreams

Today, I was greeted by my daily bit of Ralph. The article's title was "Who you know you must be" and the first question asked me if I was having trouble getting motivated to move toward my dream. I paused, and wondered, do I even have a dream? Do I have a purpose?

I really had no clue.

Some friends gave me great advice on how your dreams and purpose can change from day-to-day. That we can grow and change, and our dreams and purpose with them. Thus, it is good to be able to go with the flow, and focus on the present moment.

As I sit here, typing with my youngest sleeping in my arms, I realized that I was holding one dream, and sitting next to another who was adding to a picture of a zoo in her work book. I'm married to my other dream, and live in another. Four out of four dreams come true - was not too shabby.

As for purpose, I've always associated that with the bigger picture. As in, what is my impact on others, or the world? But what if my purpose involved my 2 little dreams before me? What if my purpose was the care and nurturing of these two precious souls? What if I had more than one purpose?

Within me, I feel something stirring forth from the depths where I've buried thoughts like this. I'm not sure what my purpose is, or even how to expand on it. I'm not sure what my current dreams are...

And that, is actually okay with me right now. When the time is right, or if it's needed, I suppose I'll figure it out. :)

Peace in the Pond

On Thursday, I ventured out into an area I've never been before on my own. I was meeting a friend and her family at a lake for some chatting and eating, and maybe, if I dared, for some swimming. I'm not fond of driving, especially driving into an area I don't know, it tends to unnerve me. I knew I wanted, no, that I needed to go. So, I went, and managed to find my way there.

It had been a while since I'd seen my friend. Our schedules just didn't seem to match up. And during the school year, with the schedules of the kiddos, it was virtually impossible. This time, the universe worked with us, and we were able to meet up.

My friend has a body that is slim and trim. She's got a few years on me, and rocks a bikini like you wouldn't believe. She was like a goddess, and greeted me with he trademark smile and glass of wine in hand, followed by a huge hug. She smelled like minty herbs.

I wanted to melt into her. Her love spills over onto who ever she meets. Her smile, lights up a room. She is so in tune with her spirituality and faith, that you just tend to feel peaceful when she talks about it.

We made our way to the chairs on the deck, to have a good chat while her kiddos played. It was lovely to reconnect with her. To catch up, as best two moms can with kiddos present.

And then, she was ready to swim. She dove off and into the water with such grace. "C'mon in!" she said.

I looked at the fish in the shallow end, and and raised an eyebrow. "I don't know..."

"The fish aren't like that over here. C'mon in! It's velvety goodness for the spirit!"

After what I've been through, a comment like that was hard for me to resist. So, I made my way down the ladder. I got into the dark pond water, trying not to freak out about the possibility of fish.

She was right. It was velvety. It was warm on the top, and then, you'd hit a pocket of cold water. It freaked me out a bit. I was nervous, but I trusted her. I couldn't see to the bottom. I couldn't feel the bottom (not that I wanted to feel the bottom of a pond, mind you, as it's rather slimy). I was entering the unknown. Soon, I found myself trying to find the pockets of cold water, bubbling up from a spring underneath.

I got out before her, and chatted while she swam. At one point, I watched her lay back, close her eyes, and just take it all in while she floated, trusting the water to support her. That's how she lives her life, trusting in something that is greater than she is. Letting herself be guided and listening.

I enjoyed being in the water, being with her, swimming and feeling the support... of many things. In that moment, I trusted, let go, and allowed myself to just be. My spirit soared, inspired by her zest and love for life.

Yes, it was indeed good for my spirit. Dare I even say it was good for my soul.

So easily I forget...

Lately, I have wondered, what is my life's purpose? Maybe, it's to share my gift of being able to see the gifts in things. Maybe, it's being a good friend. Maybe, it's my ability to inspire others.

I keep forgetting the really big one. That I'm a mom. I'm not just a stay-at-home mom (SAHM), I'm a work-at-home mom (WAHM). And not only do I work at home, I home school.

In a conversation with hubby last night, I'd been feeling down, as we've been dealing with illness and a few other things on our plates. I was feeling overwhelmed, longing to throw away every thing and start anew, doubting myself and my abilities, feeling a bit lost.

I've gotten lost in the clutter of my house. Clutter can be controlled to an extent. A house can be cleaned, and you know and can see the result. If you don't have clutter, you're life is simpler!

I have gotten lost in the worries about a future that's not here. You don't know how your children are going to be in 10 years, or the world for that matter.

I've a tendency to compare myself a lot. Am I doing enough of this? Maybe I should be doing that? Oh! This looks like it's working for them, so maybe we need to try it. Am I being a good enough mother, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, friend? (I think I'm a pretty good wife, so I don't question that one.) Am I saving the earth, eating well, being all that I can be?

I've forgotten something important. I am who I am, and there is only one me, and one of my family. And I need to figure out what works best for US. Not everyone else. And yet, it's so easy to get caught up in the pretty pictures of magazines and blogs to see what your house/life "could"(should?) look like.

I have striven for a simple life. And yet, let's be real, choosing to home school and working from home does not simplify things. It adds to the paper work every year. It adds to the clutter. It takes up space in the house and in my head. And it takes up time, because I need to plan around my work schedule. At the same time, it allows me to live the life that I choose. It's also easy to forget when I hear about SAHMs doing this... and I want to try it forgetting that I work; that my life is not theirs.

And I'm not the only one who's been or gotten lost. I am ready to find myself again though.

Transformation

I've been spotting dragonflies and butterflies everywhere. And then, the other day, we discovered a toad living in our garden. He was as large as the palm of my hand.

I've a thing for animal totems, and what animals mean or the message they bring when they come into your life, because it would seem, that when I look up the meaning after taking notice, the message is indeed appropriate and well suited for what is occurring in my life.

And thus, I suppose you could say that I now pay attention.

And recently, I've felt like a caterpillar. Minding my own business. Eating good food, going about my life trying not to harm nor hurt. And just making my way along.

Until a moment came, when I had to speak up for my own feelings, and to take a stand. It took everything in me to speak my heart, because my nature is to fix things and find peace as quickly as I can.

I'd wish I'd spent more time in the cocoon. Enjoying the pause and slowness, and getting rest. But, I didn't. I felt as though I was plucked up, wrapped up, and tossed into a bag, turned to mush... and then, then I had to stretch my wings. And I still feel as though I'm stretching my wings, fighting to get out of the cocoon.

What will be in store after this? I am not sure, but I feel as though my perception of life is shifting.

The funny thing about dragonflies, butterflies, and toads ... all point to transformation. Will I turn into a butterfly? Will I fly with my wings? Will my wings be strong enough to fly?

Guess we'll find out.

A Monthly Birthday Celebration

This weekend, I shall celebrate another birthday. Pook, ensures me that it will be the "best birthday ever", for in the eyes of a 7YO, each birthday is better than the next. And, I happen to agree with her. She is quite smart you see.

She also informed me that I should celebrate it the entire month. (I mentioned she was a smart one!) So, I decided that I would. I'm taking this month to relax and enjoy my family. I will not be formally homeschooling. I plan to spend time at a pool or two (there is something about water in the summer). Enjoy the summer breezes (it's been heavenly this week). Play lots of games (someone is learning checkers). Read for enjoyment as well as to learn. And to take the time to pause, breathe, and enjoy things like cooking and food prep.

Squeak has been having a lot of break throughs, so I want to make sure that we take the time to nurture and celebrate how far she's come, and how close she is. I want to give her attention as she works on her sensory issues. She's been inspired by a new friend, and I don't want to loose that. I also want to make sure Pook is getting her fair share of attention as well.

So, I'm listening to my heart and slowing down. I want to savor things - life, moments, food, and people for a while. I want to take the time to walk slowly, breathe slowly, do things without feeling like I "have to" or feeling rushed. I want to box this feeling of slowness up and give it to you my dear readers as a gift.

I want time to think, to be, to figure out what I want to do with my life and what is currently happening in my life. I don't know if changes will be made. I hope to make a few. I do know, that I'm treasuring this month. I'm looking at it with the wonder and joy that Pook does.