Did you ever suddenly become aware of something that is totally obvious to others, just not you? Say, that someone out there actually might not want a relationship with you, even if you've gone out of your way to reach out to strengthen or build a relationship?
I've a beautiful tendency to see things through rose-colored glasses and in a positive light. So perhaps that is why I recently had a total revelation about some people in my life that have been giving me a rather clear message for years.
I mean, if you want to spend time with someone - you make the time. You make them a priority in some way, yes? If you don't, then you plan things to include them and fit them into your schedule, yes? You have conversations that go beyond the "Hi, Hello" category. You converse with them about your life and what's going on in it. You make the effort to reach out and connect on some level even if it's just phone, email, or in person.
And guess what? For years I've been reaching out despite a lack of connection on the other side. Maybe I didn't want to give up on them. (I don't like to give up on people.) I admit that on some level I wanted a connection and acceptance. I'd get angry at myself, at them, and blame myself for what I perceived as issues or reasons for the lack of connection.
And then, today, it became clear to me. Why was I wasting my time and energy on a relationship that didn't meet my expectations? What if I just accepted them for who they are - people wrapped up in their own world (who isn't) of which I'm not a part of and if I accepted the relationship for what it is? We are quite different people, and that's okay. Clearly, I had certain expectations of them that they weren't meeting.
So today, I faced the facts and looked at the situation from a more objective point of view thanks to some friends. First, I realized I needed to accept them for who they are. Then, I realized that there are other people in my life that I'd rather expend this reclaimed energy on, and who will reciprocate the connection in some way. What a wonderful opportunity to practice the art of acceptance!
Through acceptance, I've gained freedom. And I'm liking it... :)
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expectations. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
A letter of welcome, and reflection on life
This was a letter that I've decided to post. It was written to welcome my littlest one to this world. I've tweaked it a bit, for blogging purposes. It is here as a reminder to me about this year, and life in general. If, by some chance, you wish to share it with others, you can link them here, or just ask me.
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I sit here at 6 a.m. – the muse stirring within me, begging me to write a few words. And so I sit here, pen to paper, for when the muse wishes to inspire – I find it’s best to listen.
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I sit here at 6 a.m. – the muse stirring within me, begging me to write a few words. And so I sit here, pen to paper, for when the muse wishes to inspire – I find it’s best to listen.
It has been a wild year for some of us; filled with surprises and the unexpected. At first glance, these events might seem overwhelming and easily labeled as “good” or “bad”. They are neither. They are life.
And life happens. Things happen. And we can choose to run and hide; we can choose to deny; or we can choose to embrace with acceptance. We can choose to love. We can choose to let go.
Most people I know, struggle to reach that sacred plateau that society has somehow promised us. It’s that place of security where everything goes as we’d like; we are always happy; and things, of course, are wonderful. If we find this plateau, we are then “safe”. Is this realistic, or an unrealistic expectation? I believe that there is more, much more, to it.
Life is constantly changing. We are constantly growing. There is no stop button, and the pause button doesn’t work for long. There is no plateau of safety promised to us by if/when this happens… then this…
If you want to be happy, choose it. If you want bliss, choose it. The only constant and “secure” things in life are change and love. You don’t stop change. You don’t stop love or someone from loving you either.
Over the last few months, there have been two mantras in my life:
THIS TOO SHALL PASS
I CAN HANDLE IT.
This too shall pass. Those sweet, bliss-filled moments we don’t want to end – the time with good friends, that vacation, those first few moments after a baby is born, a wedding day, a really excellent piece of chocolate. These moments only last for so long – then they end. Of course, this also means those uncomfortable moments of the unexpected, the discomfort, the stages of life in general will pass too.
We grow. We change. And so do others. This is the constant. And we can handle it.
This last year, I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to take a good look at my life. I’ve been blessed with the unexpected and having things not go the way I would have preferred. The end result has been POSSIBILITIES, LOVE (from my opened heart and the out pouring from others), and a fresh view on life.
So I guess what I’m saying is that amidst the frustrations are moments of peace and bliss. Grab hold, accept, go with the flow to see where it leads. Be willing to let go. Embrace Love. Welcome love, embrace acceptance, pay attention and fully immerse yourself in those bitter and sweet moments. Keep the memory, and release your grasp. It’s okay to let go and make space for more precious moments.
Perhaps, by focusing on the moments of peace and bliss, those frustrations won’t seem so frustrating. Maybe, you’ll even see that it’s not what happens; it’s how you react to what happens that makes the difference between a “good” and “bad” experience. Everyone sees things through his or her own eyes. Perspectives might be similar, not the same.
And so I say…
Live your life.
Dance to its rhythm – there will be songs you enjoy, songs you may not like – slow songs, fast songs. Songs you feel good listening too. Songs you may not be fond of. Some are short and others too long. Dance with your self; grab a partner.
When you welcome life – you welcome it all. And if it gets too much, there is a place of safety and refuge: a place to pause and BE.
Take a deep breath.
Close your eyes.
Let your consciousness sink with you.
Feel the quiet.
Feel the peace.
It’s always there.
It’s for you.
Sweet daughter – today we embrace you and welcome you. You have brought forth such unexpected, amazing, and wonderful gifts to our lives.
Welcome to life little one. May you always dance to life’s rhythm. May you live fully in the moment – embracing, enjoying, and remembering – “this too shall pass” and that there will always be moments that you CAN handle. May you and your sister remember this. May you know and BE love.
My sweet darlings – live your life. Welcome it as we have welcomed you. Know you are loved by those here and those who are not present today.
Be yourself. Discover what you enjoy and what inspires you. As you discover yourselves, remember to respect others as they too, are discovering. (We are all discovering.) Remember that life is not constant – nor are you.
Sometimes, you’ll need faith and hope.
Other times, you’ll know what to do.
Things will change.
You will always be loved.
There is peace within you.
This reminds me of a blessing from the movie Under the Lighthouse Dancing, and so I say to you:
Deep peace of the running wave to you.
Deep peace of the flowing air to you.
Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.
Deep peace of the shining start to you.
Deep peace of the sun of peace to you.
Amidst the change and growth – there is peace and love. Just breathe and be aware.
I love you both.
Love Always, Mommy
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Thoughts on a lifestyle change
Today, I was reading this blog: http://livelightlytour.com/blog/ .
There is something about the lifestyle this family has chosen that really appeals to me. I've been pondering what it is. It could be how neat and homey the RV looks. Perhaps, it's the lack of stuff and clutter in their lives. Maybe it's the neat colors on the walls. Maybe, it's because they have decided to up, take a chance and follow a dream. Maybe, it's because I can create a really cool image of this happy, close knit, worry-free, faith-filled family in my mind, and make it seem so very cool.
I am in awe of their decisions and the fact they can live their life in such a small space and promote their ideals. I think it's wonderful. Part of me wishes I were like that and could do that. The whole idea of living so simply and with such faith, is very appealing to me. Realistically, I know, that if we lived in an RV and did that, we would not be a happy family. My sweet hubby finds it way too cramped. Plus, I don't know how we'd do with all that driving, and tryig to find oil.
It's fun to dream about what our lives would be like if we changed a few things, or many things. I've always been very creative when it comes to imagining how other people live, feel about their lives, and if they enjoy them. I used to be so inspired, I'd want to drop everything and create a life like the one I imagined for others.
But now, as much as I think it would be cool to sell off everything and go with the flow, I'm not so sure I'd be happy doing that. Well, I could really be happy anywhere, but I've come to love my life so much here, that I now find myself really, truly thining about changes I'd want to take.
Maybe it's because it's clear that happiness isn't guaranteed if you sell everything, live a smaller life, live move simply, eat from the earth, make homemade bread from scratch, etc. Happiness is being happy when you have a lot of stuff, live a complicated life, eat packaged foods, etc. It's a choice; a beautiful perspective that you choose.
I've lived in our home for over 6 years. I loved it when we first found it, but got distracted by what I thought I needed to be happier. Then, one day, I stopped, and took a really good look at my house. I started to really see its potential, and I fell in love with it. In the process, I fell deeper in love with my life, my husband, and well, as y'all know, I'm continually falling deeper in love with Pook. Kids tend to do that, doncha know!
I think what's been fun for me, is making the most of what we have and where we live. It's been a fab life lesson.
There is something about the lifestyle this family has chosen that really appeals to me. I've been pondering what it is. It could be how neat and homey the RV looks. Perhaps, it's the lack of stuff and clutter in their lives. Maybe it's the neat colors on the walls. Maybe, it's because they have decided to up, take a chance and follow a dream. Maybe, it's because I can create a really cool image of this happy, close knit, worry-free, faith-filled family in my mind, and make it seem so very cool.
I am in awe of their decisions and the fact they can live their life in such a small space and promote their ideals. I think it's wonderful. Part of me wishes I were like that and could do that. The whole idea of living so simply and with such faith, is very appealing to me. Realistically, I know, that if we lived in an RV and did that, we would not be a happy family. My sweet hubby finds it way too cramped. Plus, I don't know how we'd do with all that driving, and tryig to find oil.
It's fun to dream about what our lives would be like if we changed a few things, or many things. I've always been very creative when it comes to imagining how other people live, feel about their lives, and if they enjoy them. I used to be so inspired, I'd want to drop everything and create a life like the one I imagined for others.
But now, as much as I think it would be cool to sell off everything and go with the flow, I'm not so sure I'd be happy doing that. Well, I could really be happy anywhere, but I've come to love my life so much here, that I now find myself really, truly thining about changes I'd want to take.
Maybe it's because it's clear that happiness isn't guaranteed if you sell everything, live a smaller life, live move simply, eat from the earth, make homemade bread from scratch, etc. Happiness is being happy when you have a lot of stuff, live a complicated life, eat packaged foods, etc. It's a choice; a beautiful perspective that you choose.
I've lived in our home for over 6 years. I loved it when we first found it, but got distracted by what I thought I needed to be happier. Then, one day, I stopped, and took a really good look at my house. I started to really see its potential, and I fell in love with it. In the process, I fell deeper in love with my life, my husband, and well, as y'all know, I'm continually falling deeper in love with Pook. Kids tend to do that, doncha know!
I think what's been fun for me, is making the most of what we have and where we live. It's been a fab life lesson.
Monday, October 01, 2007
What comes next?
This past weekend, the new curtains went up in the guestroom. This past weekend, I realized that aside from painting, the fence, and the space that needs to be cleared in the back... I was done with the house projects.
I've been through my books, and until I start reading through my shelf of books "to read", I'm really happy with most of those that are left. There are small projects I could do - a personal scrap book I could work on, painting a picture frame, reading those books on the shelf, plotting out Christmas gifts (I have some, but it just doesn't feel right to wrap them until November at least!).
But, in regards to the house, I'm pretty much done with the rearranging and decluttering. And, you know what? It scares me. (Okay, I know that some of you are snickering while you read this! ;) )
But it does. What do I do next?
For so long, decluttering and rerranging, and planning have been such a big part of my time and schedule, and now... I'm almost not sure what to do with myself?
Oh, I'm sure I could find more things to decluter or rearrange, but I don't want to. On the same level, I'm not sure what I want to do. I feel weird, almost empty not working on the house in some way. And yet, at the same time, I am sort of excited, almost anxious, yes, anxious not having something to do.
This makes me wonder, how will I be in a few months? Will I start seeking out things to declutter or house projects? Or, will I get comfortable with just settling in?
Only time will tell. For now, I'm just hoping the anxiety will pass. I'm trying not to come up with more projects... as is my usual custom. Why does this feel so unsettling?
I've been through my books, and until I start reading through my shelf of books "to read", I'm really happy with most of those that are left. There are small projects I could do - a personal scrap book I could work on, painting a picture frame, reading those books on the shelf, plotting out Christmas gifts (I have some, but it just doesn't feel right to wrap them until November at least!).
But, in regards to the house, I'm pretty much done with the rearranging and decluttering. And, you know what? It scares me. (Okay, I know that some of you are snickering while you read this! ;) )
But it does. What do I do next?
For so long, decluttering and rerranging, and planning have been such a big part of my time and schedule, and now... I'm almost not sure what to do with myself?
Oh, I'm sure I could find more things to decluter or rearrange, but I don't want to. On the same level, I'm not sure what I want to do. I feel weird, almost empty not working on the house in some way. And yet, at the same time, I am sort of excited, almost anxious, yes, anxious not having something to do.
This makes me wonder, how will I be in a few months? Will I start seeking out things to declutter or house projects? Or, will I get comfortable with just settling in?
Only time will tell. For now, I'm just hoping the anxiety will pass. I'm trying not to come up with more projects... as is my usual custom. Why does this feel so unsettling?
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Letting go of some mental clutter
I spent a good part of last night writing one of those letters you write to not send, but to get your thoughts in order and say all those things you'd never say to a person's face, usually because that person wouldn't understand or would take it the wrongs way, etc.
I was going to post it here, but after a short but powerful conversation with a dear friend (Hi R!) last night, I don't need to. Just telling him about it, having him listen and understand why I needed to write it, and explaining the situtation was enough.
So, dearest R, THANK YOU! And, sorry you don't get to read it, but you already got the jist of it. ;)
The best part, is that the people I was writing the letter too, well, I've had my own issues with over the past, especially in regards to one particular incident. And every now and then, something will flare up, and I realize that I need to deal with this issue on another level, and then I can let it go.
Hubby, who really doesn't care about the situation, doesn't understand why the whole thing was such an issue for me. I think it's great that it doesn't bother him and he can just brush it off, and it isn't an issue for him, but sometimes, I'm discovering new things I didn't know, and need to deal with.
Today, I was blessed to exchange emails that helped me to clearly see, that when someone is truly comfortable and confident when following his or her heart, it really doesn't matter what others think or say about the matter, because you know it to be true and right for you. I've been in this place of confidently knowing how I feel, and not needing to defend it. A smile and a simple No are hard to argue with. :)
How does this apply to the situation? Because I realized that dag nabit - my feelings were hurt. And yes, there were a lot of things that could've or should've been. The thing is that I didn't realize it, nor did I want to admit that my feelings were hurt. One, because I don't believe that people hurt your feelings, I believe you allow them to hurt your feelings because you are taking it personally. (For instance, if some one comments negatively about my parenting skills, I laugh it off, because I know in my heart, I'm doing what's best for our family and child.)
So, you can see, admiting my feelings were hurt meant accepting responsibility. What to do? Let it go, and realize that maybe things could've been different, and that maybe I don't know the whole story. And that's all okay.
Besides, just the admission and confession of the letter I wanted to write, made me feel SO much better. I have to laugh though, because there was a time when I'd write off those letters and not think twice about sending them. He he... thankfully, I've gotten wiser in my age and give myself 24-48 hours before doing anything.
I was going to post it here, but after a short but powerful conversation with a dear friend (Hi R!) last night, I don't need to. Just telling him about it, having him listen and understand why I needed to write it, and explaining the situtation was enough.
So, dearest R, THANK YOU! And, sorry you don't get to read it, but you already got the jist of it. ;)
The best part, is that the people I was writing the letter too, well, I've had my own issues with over the past, especially in regards to one particular incident. And every now and then, something will flare up, and I realize that I need to deal with this issue on another level, and then I can let it go.
Hubby, who really doesn't care about the situation, doesn't understand why the whole thing was such an issue for me. I think it's great that it doesn't bother him and he can just brush it off, and it isn't an issue for him, but sometimes, I'm discovering new things I didn't know, and need to deal with.
Today, I was blessed to exchange emails that helped me to clearly see, that when someone is truly comfortable and confident when following his or her heart, it really doesn't matter what others think or say about the matter, because you know it to be true and right for you. I've been in this place of confidently knowing how I feel, and not needing to defend it. A smile and a simple No are hard to argue with. :)
How does this apply to the situation? Because I realized that dag nabit - my feelings were hurt. And yes, there were a lot of things that could've or should've been. The thing is that I didn't realize it, nor did I want to admit that my feelings were hurt. One, because I don't believe that people hurt your feelings, I believe you allow them to hurt your feelings because you are taking it personally. (For instance, if some one comments negatively about my parenting skills, I laugh it off, because I know in my heart, I'm doing what's best for our family and child.)
So, you can see, admiting my feelings were hurt meant accepting responsibility. What to do? Let it go, and realize that maybe things could've been different, and that maybe I don't know the whole story. And that's all okay.
Besides, just the admission and confession of the letter I wanted to write, made me feel SO much better. I have to laugh though, because there was a time when I'd write off those letters and not think twice about sending them. He he... thankfully, I've gotten wiser in my age and give myself 24-48 hours before doing anything.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Revelations of one who's boxed herself in - yet again!
This week, da hub has been on a business trip. At first, I was really scared to be a single mom for a week, simply because I'd never done it before. And for those of you who read this, who are single moms... I have a whole new respect for you, and I've also realized the blessings you have.
For one thing, I never realized how I had limited myself to keep my schedule similar to hubs. Perhaps it was because I'd bought into the mindset of being home when he gets home to welcome him with a clean house and dinner. Which, mind you, doesn't always happen as I'd like. Thankfully, I've got a hubby who enjoys cooking! (Note, he never asked me to do this. He even wondered WHY I did this. Cause you see, I felt I wasn't doing enough at home and needed to make his life easier. I know - I'm so silly sometimes!)
And then, I started on this journey to discover who I am really, and what I really like. Oh, I've discovered such lovely things. I enjoy skirts! Especially fru-fru ones! I like to be outside - just not all day. I'm not a bug person. I love that I've a friend that I meet with once a week so that our kiddos can play together, and we can sit up a blanket on the grass and watch them chase butterflies.
And these last two days, I discovered that I don't have to mold my schedule to fit hubby's. For one thing, I do a lot during the day, and though I'm not paid for being a mom, it's still a job. Besides, he'd enjoy a few extra hours to himself during the week, and I'm going to start taking some time for me on the weekends (Did I mention this to you yet, darling? I am now...) so that I can recharge and be a better mom and wife.
I spent today out past my usual self-imposed curfew, and it was wonderful. I'm really enjoying my new-found independence, and also enjoying the fact that I can stay up late and create my own schedule. (Remember, I think in my own way, which isn't always as others think, and so realizing things like this, that others know, is big for me, though it might not be for you.)
So, this week, instead of dreading the situation, I've been embracing it, and enjoying it. It's been so freeing for me to do my own thing. And, who knows... I just may end up appreciating hubby even more so. :) Absence makes the heart grow fonder... and mine is definitely growing!
For one thing, I never realized how I had limited myself to keep my schedule similar to hubs. Perhaps it was because I'd bought into the mindset of being home when he gets home to welcome him with a clean house and dinner. Which, mind you, doesn't always happen as I'd like. Thankfully, I've got a hubby who enjoys cooking! (Note, he never asked me to do this. He even wondered WHY I did this. Cause you see, I felt I wasn't doing enough at home and needed to make his life easier. I know - I'm so silly sometimes!)
And then, I started on this journey to discover who I am really, and what I really like. Oh, I've discovered such lovely things. I enjoy skirts! Especially fru-fru ones! I like to be outside - just not all day. I'm not a bug person. I love that I've a friend that I meet with once a week so that our kiddos can play together, and we can sit up a blanket on the grass and watch them chase butterflies.
And these last two days, I discovered that I don't have to mold my schedule to fit hubby's. For one thing, I do a lot during the day, and though I'm not paid for being a mom, it's still a job. Besides, he'd enjoy a few extra hours to himself during the week, and I'm going to start taking some time for me on the weekends (Did I mention this to you yet, darling? I am now...) so that I can recharge and be a better mom and wife.
I spent today out past my usual self-imposed curfew, and it was wonderful. I'm really enjoying my new-found independence, and also enjoying the fact that I can stay up late and create my own schedule. (Remember, I think in my own way, which isn't always as others think, and so realizing things like this, that others know, is big for me, though it might not be for you.)
So, this week, instead of dreading the situation, I've been embracing it, and enjoying it. It's been so freeing for me to do my own thing. And, who knows... I just may end up appreciating hubby even more so. :) Absence makes the heart grow fonder... and mine is definitely growing!
Is this a secret?
Someone asked me today if my parents read my blog, or my ILs... Not to my knowledge is the answer. Although if you are family, and do - let me know! ;)
So, this led me to think about why. Well, because I think that some people's feelers might be hurt. Here I write to just get my thoughts and feelings out there for me mostly. They are jumbled, rambled, sometimes a mess, and they change! And, it's actually quite healing for me. I've been told I've got a "strong personality", and I suppose I do to the extent that I'm not much for a double s kissing. I have been known to lash out when my ego's been bruised (and I am working on that). Thus, I've only let certain peeps know about this lil blogsphere of mine.
If I complement you - it's real. If I'm grateful for you and appreciative you are in my life, I let you know. If I don't like you, it'll probably be pretty obvious because I won't want to be around you (although I'd like to think I'm rather civil about it - which should be your main clue most of the time, ;) And, if I have issues, I usually just bring them up, probably pretty bluntly (save for with those people who've made it clear they'd rather dance and prance around the issue, and in that case I may or may not try to be more gentle about it - or, I just blog it here until I decide to address it. ;)
Oh, and I haven't always been this way, only in the last few years, when I realized it saves so much time to just put your cards on the table and clear up the mess. And lately, I'm all for saving time, getting to the meat of the matter, and moving on with life.
In any case, at first I was concerned with why I choose to keep anonymity with the certain people. But, now, I'm not. If they find it - oh well, it is out there. I don't censor it, and I'd welcome chat about it. I think having it out here, is a validation that it is out here. And, those who love me for me, recognize that I'm growing and learning each day. I'm not the same person I was last year, or the year before, because I'm choosing to learn and grow from my experiences.
And now, I'm in this realm of self-acceptance and discovery that's just been amazing... I know that I'm okay. I am me... I ramble, I change my mind (a lot), I've got and ego (*gasp!* who doesn't?) I used to seek approval and now I'm finding that self-approval is more realistic and more fulfilling. And I'm changing and growing.
And those who love me for me, have been embracing and encouraging this, giddly clapping along on occasion! And those who don't love me, don't. And there's nothing I can do about it -- and I'm okay with this. (Today anyway!) At least I can be grateful for the life lessons I've gained from them, and for the fact that when they exhale - they feed the plants. ;)
So, this led me to think about why. Well, because I think that some people's feelers might be hurt. Here I write to just get my thoughts and feelings out there for me mostly. They are jumbled, rambled, sometimes a mess, and they change! And, it's actually quite healing for me. I've been told I've got a "strong personality", and I suppose I do to the extent that I'm not much for a double s kissing. I have been known to lash out when my ego's been bruised (and I am working on that). Thus, I've only let certain peeps know about this lil blogsphere of mine.
If I complement you - it's real. If I'm grateful for you and appreciative you are in my life, I let you know. If I don't like you, it'll probably be pretty obvious because I won't want to be around you (although I'd like to think I'm rather civil about it - which should be your main clue most of the time, ;) And, if I have issues, I usually just bring them up, probably pretty bluntly (save for with those people who've made it clear they'd rather dance and prance around the issue, and in that case I may or may not try to be more gentle about it - or, I just blog it here until I decide to address it. ;)
Oh, and I haven't always been this way, only in the last few years, when I realized it saves so much time to just put your cards on the table and clear up the mess. And lately, I'm all for saving time, getting to the meat of the matter, and moving on with life.
In any case, at first I was concerned with why I choose to keep anonymity with the certain people. But, now, I'm not. If they find it - oh well, it is out there. I don't censor it, and I'd welcome chat about it. I think having it out here, is a validation that it is out here. And, those who love me for me, recognize that I'm growing and learning each day. I'm not the same person I was last year, or the year before, because I'm choosing to learn and grow from my experiences.
And now, I'm in this realm of self-acceptance and discovery that's just been amazing... I know that I'm okay. I am me... I ramble, I change my mind (a lot), I've got and ego (*gasp!* who doesn't?) I used to seek approval and now I'm finding that self-approval is more realistic and more fulfilling. And I'm changing and growing.
And those who love me for me, have been embracing and encouraging this, giddly clapping along on occasion! And those who don't love me, don't. And there's nothing I can do about it -- and I'm okay with this. (Today anyway!) At least I can be grateful for the life lessons I've gained from them, and for the fact that when they exhale - they feed the plants. ;)
Friday, May 04, 2007
Who am I?
Who am I? How do I define myself? Who do I want (or think I want) to be?
(Ah, if you've no desire to know more about me on this level, just skip this post.) :)
When's the last time you may have addressed questions like this, if ever?
I used to think I knew exactly who I was (or, rather, who I thought I should be). I thought I was an outdoor person. I though I was a gardener and that I would one day (when I had the opportunity, space, and a fence) I would have a fabulous organic vegetable garden filled with good things to eat. I thought I was super woman - the stay-at-home, work-at-home, home schooling mother and wife who could constantly bake from scratch, keep a garden, sew my own clothes, recycle, compost, save the world, stand up for the underdog, have dinner on the table for the hubby, keep a spotless home, live a minimalistic and simple life, and even fly on occasion. ;) I thought I could do a million activities during the week, host house guests, and prepare to travel - at the same time. I could renovate the house instantly. I would homeschool using 3 or 4 curiculums at once, and make sure Pook took swim lessons, Kindermusik, playdates, traveling to museums and that we'd join the home school co-op too. I was the good wife, good mom, good freind, good SIL, good DIL, good daughter (granddaughter, neice, etc.) - when what I really needed was just some time to recharge.
And, as I strived to live this life, I didn't stop to realize that it was what I wanted to do, not what I was actually doing.
Because, you see, I'm not Super Woman. Wonder Woman - yes - but not Super Woman. ;)
So, over the last few months while I've been feeling disconnected in many ways particualarly from life and in a spiritual sense, it never occured to me that I was living my life in the shoulds. (I got stuck in that box with blinders again you see.)
And then, my friend (who's been going through this too), starts asking me questions, trying to understand who I really am, because she could see what was going on, where I couldn't.
And then it hit me - just how long have I been defining who I am based on how I would like others to see me? And why? Well, the why part was simple. If I was unhappy with who I was, wouldn't others be too?
I was taught from a very young age to pick a person who's attributes I admired - then merge them into my life. I never stopped to think about what I was capable of, or what I really liked, because I was also taught I could do or be anything I wanted to be! I just jumped in, went with the flow or with what attracted me at the time. Oh - look at her, strong and independent - that's me! Oh, wow, Martha Stewart - that could be me! Oh - type A personality - that's me!
But what did I really want? I don't think I knew. I just spent most of my life, jumping from thing to thing, leaving people upset because I'd say I'd do one thing, but didn't realize I didn't want to, and the results were, well, less than satisfactory.
And then, my dear friend dares to ask me these awesome questions. And I dared to answer them.
I am many, many things. First and foremost, I am a mom and wife. I started to look at my life; to really, truly look at it and see what I was doing. Because, it would make sense, that if I really, truly wanted that garden, I'd find a way round not having a fence, wouldn't I?
I spend the core of most of my days working at home, home schooling (my own way not via a curriculum as of yet), home making (laundry, cleaning, etc.), writing/blogging/journaling when I have the chance, reading (usually to Pook), and scrounging for breakfast and lunch. Thank God I've a hubby who likes to cook, and cooks most of the dinners. (Love you, honey!)
I noticed that I spend my spare time watching movies with hubby, reading when I get the chance (and not just other blogs), studying home schooling information, listening to birds, sitting outside on the swing admiring my bistro table set, getting to spend time with friends when the opportunity arises, play dates, Kindermusik (once a week in fall and spring, full week in the summer), crocheting (usually while watching a movie or sitting in the KM chatting with moms), sewing (when I get a full day to spread out the fabric over the table, pull out the sewing machine and goodies, and just go at it!), drawing, painting, creating (be it art or cloth or baked goods), decluttering, and dreaming about what I'd like to do with my house (doing it if involves rearranging furniture, getting rid of clutter, and if, most importantly, I can coherce, er, ask hubby to help).
Gardening? Nope, not a priority. Outdoors much? Nope, not really. but the time I am outdoors is totally relaxing. Homemade baked goodies? Only on occasion and when I'm in the mood. Organic-recycling-against consumerism advocate of the world? Nope, though I do my best to buy organic when possible. Living minimalistially? Do not make me laugh. I love books too much. Homeschooling via a classical education? Parts of it, perhaps, but if we expand the family, well, just need to be creative.
Once I got past the fear of everyone ditching me because I wasn't really an outdoor, save-the-planet, type A, people pleasing, organic, activity-crazed, super woman, I realized - hey, I don't need to be these things. And, what a wonderful opportunity for my friends to love me, just as I am. :) Which, is not really any of those afformentioned things. Although, I do love the earth, I'm just not as enthused as I thought I was about dropping the other things in my life to run out and save it.
Yup, I got realistic on myself. Perhaps, when the kiddies are older, I just might join the compact movement. Realistically, if I really, truly wanted it, I'd already be doing it. I totally admire those who live that lifestyle, especially with children, but it's not me. Now, if the recycling truck came to my house everyweek - yes, I'd do it. I take stuff to the good will (right down the street) to get it out of my house because, we all know by now I love to declutter.
If I had a composter, or a compost pile - you bet I'd use it. But, I don't. And yes, I know that if I really, really wanted one, I'd make it happen. Guess I don't want it as badly as I thought.
If shopping at the Good Will and other consignment shops didn't take so much time, and guaranteed that I could go there and immediately find just what I'm looking for - I'd probably shop there more often.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling great right now. So, I'm not Super Woman. I am Wonder Woman - a wonderful woman. Who has discovered, that for right now in my life, I'm happy where I am. One day, I hope to try a garden, but right now, I know that it's really not that feasible for me. And, I'm okay with that. :)
(Ah, if you've no desire to know more about me on this level, just skip this post.) :)
When's the last time you may have addressed questions like this, if ever?
I used to think I knew exactly who I was (or, rather, who I thought I should be). I thought I was an outdoor person. I though I was a gardener and that I would one day (when I had the opportunity, space, and a fence) I would have a fabulous organic vegetable garden filled with good things to eat. I thought I was super woman - the stay-at-home, work-at-home, home schooling mother and wife who could constantly bake from scratch, keep a garden, sew my own clothes, recycle, compost, save the world, stand up for the underdog, have dinner on the table for the hubby, keep a spotless home, live a minimalistic and simple life, and even fly on occasion. ;) I thought I could do a million activities during the week, host house guests, and prepare to travel - at the same time. I could renovate the house instantly. I would homeschool using 3 or 4 curiculums at once, and make sure Pook took swim lessons, Kindermusik, playdates, traveling to museums and that we'd join the home school co-op too. I was the good wife, good mom, good freind, good SIL, good DIL, good daughter (granddaughter, neice, etc.) - when what I really needed was just some time to recharge.
And, as I strived to live this life, I didn't stop to realize that it was what I wanted to do, not what I was actually doing.
Because, you see, I'm not Super Woman. Wonder Woman - yes - but not Super Woman. ;)
So, over the last few months while I've been feeling disconnected in many ways particualarly from life and in a spiritual sense, it never occured to me that I was living my life in the shoulds. (I got stuck in that box with blinders again you see.)
And then, my friend (who's been going through this too), starts asking me questions, trying to understand who I really am, because she could see what was going on, where I couldn't.
And then it hit me - just how long have I been defining who I am based on how I would like others to see me? And why? Well, the why part was simple. If I was unhappy with who I was, wouldn't others be too?
I was taught from a very young age to pick a person who's attributes I admired - then merge them into my life. I never stopped to think about what I was capable of, or what I really liked, because I was also taught I could do or be anything I wanted to be! I just jumped in, went with the flow or with what attracted me at the time. Oh - look at her, strong and independent - that's me! Oh, wow, Martha Stewart - that could be me! Oh - type A personality - that's me!
But what did I really want? I don't think I knew. I just spent most of my life, jumping from thing to thing, leaving people upset because I'd say I'd do one thing, but didn't realize I didn't want to, and the results were, well, less than satisfactory.
And then, my dear friend dares to ask me these awesome questions. And I dared to answer them.
I am many, many things. First and foremost, I am a mom and wife. I started to look at my life; to really, truly look at it and see what I was doing. Because, it would make sense, that if I really, truly wanted that garden, I'd find a way round not having a fence, wouldn't I?
I spend the core of most of my days working at home, home schooling (my own way not via a curriculum as of yet), home making (laundry, cleaning, etc.), writing/blogging/journaling when I have the chance, reading (usually to Pook), and scrounging for breakfast and lunch. Thank God I've a hubby who likes to cook, and cooks most of the dinners. (Love you, honey!)
I noticed that I spend my spare time watching movies with hubby, reading when I get the chance (and not just other blogs), studying home schooling information, listening to birds, sitting outside on the swing admiring my bistro table set, getting to spend time with friends when the opportunity arises, play dates, Kindermusik (once a week in fall and spring, full week in the summer), crocheting (usually while watching a movie or sitting in the KM chatting with moms), sewing (when I get a full day to spread out the fabric over the table, pull out the sewing machine and goodies, and just go at it!), drawing, painting, creating (be it art or cloth or baked goods), decluttering, and dreaming about what I'd like to do with my house (doing it if involves rearranging furniture, getting rid of clutter, and if, most importantly, I can coherce, er, ask hubby to help).
Gardening? Nope, not a priority. Outdoors much? Nope, not really. but the time I am outdoors is totally relaxing. Homemade baked goodies? Only on occasion and when I'm in the mood. Organic-recycling-against consumerism advocate of the world? Nope, though I do my best to buy organic when possible. Living minimalistially? Do not make me laugh. I love books too much. Homeschooling via a classical education? Parts of it, perhaps, but if we expand the family, well, just need to be creative.
Once I got past the fear of everyone ditching me because I wasn't really an outdoor, save-the-planet, type A, people pleasing, organic, activity-crazed, super woman, I realized - hey, I don't need to be these things. And, what a wonderful opportunity for my friends to love me, just as I am. :) Which, is not really any of those afformentioned things. Although, I do love the earth, I'm just not as enthused as I thought I was about dropping the other things in my life to run out and save it.
Yup, I got realistic on myself. Perhaps, when the kiddies are older, I just might join the compact movement. Realistically, if I really, truly wanted it, I'd already be doing it. I totally admire those who live that lifestyle, especially with children, but it's not me. Now, if the recycling truck came to my house everyweek - yes, I'd do it. I take stuff to the good will (right down the street) to get it out of my house because, we all know by now I love to declutter.
If I had a composter, or a compost pile - you bet I'd use it. But, I don't. And yes, I know that if I really, really wanted one, I'd make it happen. Guess I don't want it as badly as I thought.
If shopping at the Good Will and other consignment shops didn't take so much time, and guaranteed that I could go there and immediately find just what I'm looking for - I'd probably shop there more often.
Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling great right now. So, I'm not Super Woman. I am Wonder Woman - a wonderful woman. Who has discovered, that for right now in my life, I'm happy where I am. One day, I hope to try a garden, but right now, I know that it's really not that feasible for me. And, I'm okay with that. :)
Thursday, May 03, 2007
I have an awesome friend
Actually, I have several awesome friends. But this one in particular (and you so know who you are), has asked me some really deep questions that really got me thinking about my life, who I am, and what I want.
And you know what? I started to journal about these questions, and come up with answers. And, surprisingly enough, I have realized, that, I'm actually pretty darn happy where I am.
Here are a few thoughts I've had:
* I like a simple life. (i.e. I enjoy things that can be accomplished in a timely/no-too-long manner that don't require a ton of work to get to the end result, unless I'm really in the mood to do otherwise.)
* I like the 15 minute rule. (i.e. You can do anything for 15 minutes - exercise, dancing, sitting outside, meditation, decluttering, writing, etc.)
* I do not want to be a master gardener. However, I would like some chamomile and perhaps I can try radishes or other small veggies in the window boxes out back taking into consideration the tight budget we are on. Also note - if this doesn't happen, I'm not going to worry about it. Besides, I'll just hit up my friends that garden veggies and the local farmer's market (maybe) instead. ;)
* I am not an outdoor person in the sense that I could spend every waking moment outdoors. However, I enjoy spending time outside when the weather is fair (or it's snowing and I can sled or I can dance in the rain - which I do on occasion but not often). I like eating outside too. But, when I really thought about it, I can do without camping or being outside 24/7. That, however, doesn't mean at some point I would do it.
* I will be creating my own curiculum/program for homeschooling. Though I love some aspects of the Well Trained Mind (WTM), I've got to be realistic. As I'm also working from home, and we plan to eventually add to the family. So, I need to do something that works best for me. And, as we seem to enjoy worksheets and computer programs here, I'm thinking we'll do just fine.
* I love to write.
* I really enjoy crochetting. (My way, mind you.)
* I really enjoy sewing. (Also my way, and figuring things out as I go. Without a pattern.)
* I enjoy painting.
* I enjoy good movies. Especially British ones and the new Mrs. Marple series. (Oh, c'mon, you should all know by now I'm a big Agatha Christie fan.)
* I really enjoy books. Good books. Especially Agatha Christie books.
* I enjoy decluttering, cleaning, laundry - you know homemaking stuff. And yes, I consider myself to be a homemaker.
* I enjoy baking and cooking from scratch - but I gotta be in the mood.
* I like doing things my way, on my times schedule. Especially creative projects. :)
* I love spending time with my other awesome friends - good conversation and fellowship equals loveliness.
* I can call myself an artist, as I'm continually doing artsy projects.
* I love being a mom.
* I have had some extrememly high expectations of myself. At closer look though, I'm really happy with the way my life is going.
So - a shout out to you dear friend! I've journaled the details, so eventually (hopefully) we'll get around to discuss the answers to your questions at some point. Love ya! Thanks for really getting me to think.
And you know what? I started to journal about these questions, and come up with answers. And, surprisingly enough, I have realized, that, I'm actually pretty darn happy where I am.
Here are a few thoughts I've had:
* I like a simple life. (i.e. I enjoy things that can be accomplished in a timely/no-too-long manner that don't require a ton of work to get to the end result, unless I'm really in the mood to do otherwise.)
* I like the 15 minute rule. (i.e. You can do anything for 15 minutes - exercise, dancing, sitting outside, meditation, decluttering, writing, etc.)
* I do not want to be a master gardener. However, I would like some chamomile and perhaps I can try radishes or other small veggies in the window boxes out back taking into consideration the tight budget we are on. Also note - if this doesn't happen, I'm not going to worry about it. Besides, I'll just hit up my friends that garden veggies and the local farmer's market (maybe) instead. ;)
* I am not an outdoor person in the sense that I could spend every waking moment outdoors. However, I enjoy spending time outside when the weather is fair (or it's snowing and I can sled or I can dance in the rain - which I do on occasion but not often). I like eating outside too. But, when I really thought about it, I can do without camping or being outside 24/7. That, however, doesn't mean at some point I would do it.
* I will be creating my own curiculum/program for homeschooling. Though I love some aspects of the Well Trained Mind (WTM), I've got to be realistic. As I'm also working from home, and we plan to eventually add to the family. So, I need to do something that works best for me. And, as we seem to enjoy worksheets and computer programs here, I'm thinking we'll do just fine.
* I love to write.
* I really enjoy crochetting. (My way, mind you.)
* I really enjoy sewing. (Also my way, and figuring things out as I go. Without a pattern.)
* I enjoy painting.
* I enjoy good movies. Especially British ones and the new Mrs. Marple series. (Oh, c'mon, you should all know by now I'm a big Agatha Christie fan.)
* I really enjoy books. Good books. Especially Agatha Christie books.
* I enjoy decluttering, cleaning, laundry - you know homemaking stuff. And yes, I consider myself to be a homemaker.
* I enjoy baking and cooking from scratch - but I gotta be in the mood.
* I like doing things my way, on my times schedule. Especially creative projects. :)
* I love spending time with my other awesome friends - good conversation and fellowship equals loveliness.
* I can call myself an artist, as I'm continually doing artsy projects.
* I love being a mom.
* I have had some extrememly high expectations of myself. At closer look though, I'm really happy with the way my life is going.
So - a shout out to you dear friend! I've journaled the details, so eventually (hopefully) we'll get around to discuss the answers to your questions at some point. Love ya! Thanks for really getting me to think.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Recentering after spinning off center.
I've another confession to make - I've been decluttering again. And not, due to Phil's comment either. ;)
Just so you know, this post is really more for me, then you. But, I'm putting it here to remind me about the haves versus the wants, and how the wants can really clutter up the mind.
When I'm feeling overwhlemed and disconnected, one surefire way to bring me back, is to figure out what I can get rid of. Usually, I get to a point where every little thing is getting to me. And, when I release the physical clutter, I find the mental clutter is soon to follow. I'm weird that way, but it works. And, the bonus is, my house gets more spacious as we go. :)
The last few weeks I've been feeling overwhelmed due to several things (it's list time!):
* The huge chunk of change due to the IRS since I techincally have my own business.
* Watching the savings account dwindle as we get our cars nice and repaired.
* The basement freezer being wierd and fritzy; wishing I had gotten an upright one instead of a freezer chest.
* The fact that one needs money, a fair chunk of it, to build a fence and stairs from the back deck.
* Though I techinically don't need a fence to plant a garden, it would keep the local cats from using any garden I plant as a litter box.
* The privacy of a fence, that I don't have, would be really super nice.
* Fresh, home grown veggies, would be awesome.
* We've a huge tub of primer in the basement. For painting. Which, may never be done, as I've not decided on color yet. and then there's the whole point of me not being able to sleep in a house due to the my glands swelling up thanks to paint fumes.
* Budget, what budget?
* Chocolate has become a staple, as well as other foods that taste great, but aren't in agreement with my body.
* Some of my friends are so together (in my eyes) - why am I not?
* I have been incerdibly hard on myself lately.
And then, this morning, I stopped. I stopped, because I realized:
* I may not have a fence, but I've a swing on the back porch AND a bistro table. Perfect for snuggling, reading, and meals.
* I can walk to my Post Office.
* I can walk to a small, nearby park.
* I can drive to several parks in the area.
* I work from home. I have a business, that lets me choose my hours. Yay for flexibility! Yay for an added income that will let us save up for the fence.
* I can spend mornings snuggled up reading with Pook.
* I can spend afternoons playing with Pook.
* Some of my friends have had gardens for years. I don't, but sometimes my friends will share their harvest. And, I'm SO grateful!
* I am blessed to have a car and access to organic foods and a farmer's market (that I've yet to go to).
* I love my house. And, knowing that one day the walls will be painted, means that I get to experiment with where to hang pictures, without worrying about too many holes in the wall. :) Whoo hoo! Rearranging!
* Our cars are getting repaired. Which means, I don't have to worry about them breaking down.
* Kids are resilient. I can only do my best as a parent.
* If I customize my homeschooling program, I can still be creative and stick to what I feel is the core program.
* I am different, which is a good thing. ;) Comparing myself to others, being hard on myself is really quite silly. I know I'm quite different then most people anyway. My ways are just that - my ways. Some might consider them wierd, unusual, and unorthodox, but, when it comes down to it, they work and I feel good about them. Besides, if everybody was like everyone else, what a boring world it would be!
So, uh, thanks for reading about how I clear my own head clutter. So easily I've tended to get caught up in the wants, forgetting about the haves. Sometimes, I miss out that I already have so much, and my wants aren't actually my needs. :) Ah... the ego.
Just so you know, this post is really more for me, then you. But, I'm putting it here to remind me about the haves versus the wants, and how the wants can really clutter up the mind.
When I'm feeling overwhlemed and disconnected, one surefire way to bring me back, is to figure out what I can get rid of. Usually, I get to a point where every little thing is getting to me. And, when I release the physical clutter, I find the mental clutter is soon to follow. I'm weird that way, but it works. And, the bonus is, my house gets more spacious as we go. :)
The last few weeks I've been feeling overwhelmed due to several things (it's list time!):
* The huge chunk of change due to the IRS since I techincally have my own business.
* Watching the savings account dwindle as we get our cars nice and repaired.
* The basement freezer being wierd and fritzy; wishing I had gotten an upright one instead of a freezer chest.
* The fact that one needs money, a fair chunk of it, to build a fence and stairs from the back deck.
* Though I techinically don't need a fence to plant a garden, it would keep the local cats from using any garden I plant as a litter box.
* The privacy of a fence, that I don't have, would be really super nice.
* Fresh, home grown veggies, would be awesome.
* We've a huge tub of primer in the basement. For painting. Which, may never be done, as I've not decided on color yet. and then there's the whole point of me not being able to sleep in a house due to the my glands swelling up thanks to paint fumes.
* Budget, what budget?
* Chocolate has become a staple, as well as other foods that taste great, but aren't in agreement with my body.
* Some of my friends are so together (in my eyes) - why am I not?
* I have been incerdibly hard on myself lately.
And then, this morning, I stopped. I stopped, because I realized:
* I may not have a fence, but I've a swing on the back porch AND a bistro table. Perfect for snuggling, reading, and meals.
* I can walk to my Post Office.
* I can walk to a small, nearby park.
* I can drive to several parks in the area.
* I work from home. I have a business, that lets me choose my hours. Yay for flexibility! Yay for an added income that will let us save up for the fence.
* I can spend mornings snuggled up reading with Pook.
* I can spend afternoons playing with Pook.
* Some of my friends have had gardens for years. I don't, but sometimes my friends will share their harvest. And, I'm SO grateful!
* I am blessed to have a car and access to organic foods and a farmer's market (that I've yet to go to).
* I love my house. And, knowing that one day the walls will be painted, means that I get to experiment with where to hang pictures, without worrying about too many holes in the wall. :) Whoo hoo! Rearranging!
* Our cars are getting repaired. Which means, I don't have to worry about them breaking down.
* Kids are resilient. I can only do my best as a parent.
* If I customize my homeschooling program, I can still be creative and stick to what I feel is the core program.
* I am different, which is a good thing. ;) Comparing myself to others, being hard on myself is really quite silly. I know I'm quite different then most people anyway. My ways are just that - my ways. Some might consider them wierd, unusual, and unorthodox, but, when it comes down to it, they work and I feel good about them. Besides, if everybody was like everyone else, what a boring world it would be!
So, uh, thanks for reading about how I clear my own head clutter. So easily I've tended to get caught up in the wants, forgetting about the haves. Sometimes, I miss out that I already have so much, and my wants aren't actually my needs. :) Ah... the ego.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Powerful Words and Ed
This morning, I was blessed to read the following posted by Ed (so nice to have you back):
While certainly no expert on the subject, I know that life is too precious and too unpredictable to be taken for granted.
And that's really what we do when we get angry at someone we care about, or when we get angry at someone whose approval we are seeking. We take them for granted, since the act of being angry with them, of judging and distancing from them, is to punish them, to seek some emotional equilibrium and that takes for granted the idea that they will be around long enough for this process to work itself through. When we have been wronged, it is too easy to transform someone into an ideal and forget that they are, in reality, a human -- and quite temporarily so.
You can read his full post here.
Now, I really admire Ed. (Did you know that?) Actually, I always have because he is such a vibrant person (at least that's how I see him). In college, he'd walk into a room, and I swear that room would light up, and in moments, he'd have someone laughing or smiling. Even when he was extremely exhausted, he'd managed to say something to get you to smile.
I'll never forget how, during a very uncomfortable situation where I'd let my wonderful ego go ballistic, he sat down with me, talked to me in person, was honest and upfront with his feelings, and, on top of everything else, dared to express feelings of concern for me where others dare not tread (as I was quite prideful then). When it was all said and done, all that really stuck out about the whole messy situation, was that Ed wasn't afraid to tell me, that regardless of the mess I'd made, he still cared and was concerned.
We don't know each other well; we aren't best buddies or anything like that, but as long as I've known him, he has always provided me with food for thought about my own life. Especially since he started blogging.
From what I do know, we seem to been vastly different in some areas. He's able to see things in a way that I don't. And I'm so glad I've people like that in my life (even if it is through a blog), because I tend to think that each person lives life according to their own way, and when you meet someone who sees things differently, it adds a new perspective and tint to your own life, if you let it.
So Ed, I hope I haven't embaressed you or anything, by shouting my admiration for you out here in the blog sphere, but, your last post hit the nail on the head for me. Especially this part:
And it helps take the edge off of family feuds, because when someone is gone, there is no chance for them to right past wrongs. There is no chance to hear them say I'm sorry, or for you to say you're sorry.
Anger has always been an issue for me, and reading your post, suddenly, I realized just how much of my life I've wasted being angry, how many people I've hurt or pushed away to whom I may never be able to apologize, how I could be spending my time being grateful for what I have, and being appreciative...
So thank you, Ed. Your words maybe just for your ownself to read 10 years from now, but today, your words have reached out and touched my heart where it really needed to be touched. And, I appreciate them and you.
And in light of that --
For those of you out there who read this, and those that don't even know this blog exists, if my actions (particularly those involving my ego and anger, but not subjected to only these) have caused a rift, hurt feelings or any other type of negative action (or reaction, depending) -
From the depths of love within my heart, I am sorry.
I apologize for not being more appreciative and letting you know you were appreciated, for letting my anger and ego have the better of me. Know too, I am grateful for having you in my life. Whether it was for a moment or a lifetime, whether you be flesh and blood, a stranger on the street, a friend who I've lost contact with ... you have touched my life in some way. And I appreciate that.
While certainly no expert on the subject, I know that life is too precious and too unpredictable to be taken for granted.
And that's really what we do when we get angry at someone we care about, or when we get angry at someone whose approval we are seeking. We take them for granted, since the act of being angry with them, of judging and distancing from them, is to punish them, to seek some emotional equilibrium and that takes for granted the idea that they will be around long enough for this process to work itself through. When we have been wronged, it is too easy to transform someone into an ideal and forget that they are, in reality, a human -- and quite temporarily so.
You can read his full post here.
Now, I really admire Ed. (Did you know that?) Actually, I always have because he is such a vibrant person (at least that's how I see him). In college, he'd walk into a room, and I swear that room would light up, and in moments, he'd have someone laughing or smiling. Even when he was extremely exhausted, he'd managed to say something to get you to smile.
I'll never forget how, during a very uncomfortable situation where I'd let my wonderful ego go ballistic, he sat down with me, talked to me in person, was honest and upfront with his feelings, and, on top of everything else, dared to express feelings of concern for me where others dare not tread (as I was quite prideful then). When it was all said and done, all that really stuck out about the whole messy situation, was that Ed wasn't afraid to tell me, that regardless of the mess I'd made, he still cared and was concerned.
We don't know each other well; we aren't best buddies or anything like that, but as long as I've known him, he has always provided me with food for thought about my own life. Especially since he started blogging.
From what I do know, we seem to been vastly different in some areas. He's able to see things in a way that I don't. And I'm so glad I've people like that in my life (even if it is through a blog), because I tend to think that each person lives life according to their own way, and when you meet someone who sees things differently, it adds a new perspective and tint to your own life, if you let it.
So Ed, I hope I haven't embaressed you or anything, by shouting my admiration for you out here in the blog sphere, but, your last post hit the nail on the head for me. Especially this part:
And it helps take the edge off of family feuds, because when someone is gone, there is no chance for them to right past wrongs. There is no chance to hear them say I'm sorry, or for you to say you're sorry.
Anger has always been an issue for me, and reading your post, suddenly, I realized just how much of my life I've wasted being angry, how many people I've hurt or pushed away to whom I may never be able to apologize, how I could be spending my time being grateful for what I have, and being appreciative...
So thank you, Ed. Your words maybe just for your ownself to read 10 years from now, but today, your words have reached out and touched my heart where it really needed to be touched. And, I appreciate them and you.
And in light of that --
For those of you out there who read this, and those that don't even know this blog exists, if my actions (particularly those involving my ego and anger, but not subjected to only these) have caused a rift, hurt feelings or any other type of negative action (or reaction, depending) -
From the depths of love within my heart, I am sorry.
I apologize for not being more appreciative and letting you know you were appreciated, for letting my anger and ego have the better of me. Know too, I am grateful for having you in my life. Whether it was for a moment or a lifetime, whether you be flesh and blood, a stranger on the street, a friend who I've lost contact with ... you have touched my life in some way. And I appreciate that.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Ego and Pride, Ego and Pride -> Freedom
Last night, Hubby and I were discussing the posts on my blog.
"So, do you think it's an ego and pride thing with them? Because I really don't know what fueled this thing with them - again."
Ouch.
I love my husband. I adore my husband. Especially because we can have conversations like this. I thought about what he said. And yup, he was right. And yeah, it twinged!
I can't believe I'm admitting this in writing for my little world of readers to see - but I am. Yes, when I thought it out, I realized that it was ego and pride. I was upset with them because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. I wanted a strong, expanded familial unit; right now, they are focusing on their own little familial unit.
Hey, that actually felt good admitting "out loud". In fact, today, I'm feeling really good about the whole thing. Because once I realized it was my ego and pride that were hurt,I was able to see them, really, truly see them for who they are - and to accept them.
And, to accept myself in the process.
Wow. Powerful stuff.
They are very different from us. And, after talking with L yesterday about how in some families, blood is thicker than water, but in others, it's not, I just realized that in this case - blood is not thicker than water.
As soon as I made the connection, I felt the sweet bliss of freedom. Freedom from playing the "good" SIL to keep peace with people who may well not want peace. Freedom to stop worrying about my BIL and how he's changed and his relationship with Pook. Freedom to realize I can be indifferent right now - I don't have to keep the peace, be nice to them, hate them, be angry with them, continue to give energy to a situation that clearly doesn't need any - I can just let them be who they are, and live in their little world - just as I live in mine.
This may not be big news to everyone, and blessed are those already aware of this. But for me, this is big news. Now, whenever I start to have angry thoughts, I just say to myself, "Ego and Pride, Grace. Ego and Pride." And it's amazing how I can just stop the self-righteous thoughts.
Ego and pride are indeed tied into self-righteousness and expectations(well, mine at least!). It's my ego and pride that gets hurt when I am forced to face responsibility for thoughts (particularly self-righteous ones) about others. It's my ego and pride that enjoys being right, and better, and "above" others. When people, things, or what-have-yous don't meet our expectations - it's the ego and pride - is it not?
Fact is, we're all in this together, aren't we? We're just on different paths, in different worlds, with different expectations. And I think that all seems to come back to the fact, that there is no one way.
"So, do you think it's an ego and pride thing with them? Because I really don't know what fueled this thing with them - again."
Ouch.
I love my husband. I adore my husband. Especially because we can have conversations like this. I thought about what he said. And yup, he was right. And yeah, it twinged!
I can't believe I'm admitting this in writing for my little world of readers to see - but I am. Yes, when I thought it out, I realized that it was ego and pride. I was upset with them because they weren't doing what I wanted them to do. I wanted a strong, expanded familial unit; right now, they are focusing on their own little familial unit.
Hey, that actually felt good admitting "out loud". In fact, today, I'm feeling really good about the whole thing. Because once I realized it was my ego and pride that were hurt,I was able to see them, really, truly see them for who they are - and to accept them.
And, to accept myself in the process.
Wow. Powerful stuff.
They are very different from us. And, after talking with L yesterday about how in some families, blood is thicker than water, but in others, it's not, I just realized that in this case - blood is not thicker than water.
As soon as I made the connection, I felt the sweet bliss of freedom. Freedom from playing the "good" SIL to keep peace with people who may well not want peace. Freedom to stop worrying about my BIL and how he's changed and his relationship with Pook. Freedom to realize I can be indifferent right now - I don't have to keep the peace, be nice to them, hate them, be angry with them, continue to give energy to a situation that clearly doesn't need any - I can just let them be who they are, and live in their little world - just as I live in mine.
This may not be big news to everyone, and blessed are those already aware of this. But for me, this is big news. Now, whenever I start to have angry thoughts, I just say to myself, "Ego and Pride, Grace. Ego and Pride." And it's amazing how I can just stop the self-righteous thoughts.
Ego and pride are indeed tied into self-righteousness and expectations(well, mine at least!). It's my ego and pride that gets hurt when I am forced to face responsibility for thoughts (particularly self-righteous ones) about others. It's my ego and pride that enjoys being right, and better, and "above" others. When people, things, or what-have-yous don't meet our expectations - it's the ego and pride - is it not?
Fact is, we're all in this together, aren't we? We're just on different paths, in different worlds, with different expectations. And I think that all seems to come back to the fact, that there is no one way.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
The Real Deal
Well, I step away for a bit, and seem to have so much to say. My head's really been caught up in so many thoughts as of late. You lucky peeps get THREE posts today!
I did want to mention (and yes L - you did inspire this one!), that a friend of mine mentioned before that people can post anything on their blogs. They can create any type of image of who they want to be or think they are.
With me, you get the real deal. I really, truly, am the same person you are reading about. I'd love to portray someone who's got it all together, can confidently let things go, and a few other things. And at times, I do have it all together, can confidently release things, and focus on the fun and joy that is the dailiness of my life. But you, you lucky peeps get the glimpses into the real deal.
Why do I share my inner workings and thoughts here? My husband probably wonders that a lot. I am well aware that there are a few people out there who read this blog. And perhaps, because I know this, I'm wiling to put myself and my imperfections out there. (Not all of them, but most of them.)
I'm at a place right now, where I'm figuring out how I work and the hows and whys of how others work, in a strange quest of acceptance. Not just of others, but, I suppose too of myself. Sometimes I wonder, if we all truly accepted ourselves, exactly as we are (and by acceptance I don't mean not changing if that's what you want to do), just what the world would be like.
At least, that's where I am currently. Who knows where I'll be a few months from now, eh?
I did want to mention (and yes L - you did inspire this one!), that a friend of mine mentioned before that people can post anything on their blogs. They can create any type of image of who they want to be or think they are.
With me, you get the real deal. I really, truly, am the same person you are reading about. I'd love to portray someone who's got it all together, can confidently let things go, and a few other things. And at times, I do have it all together, can confidently release things, and focus on the fun and joy that is the dailiness of my life. But you, you lucky peeps get the glimpses into the real deal.
Why do I share my inner workings and thoughts here? My husband probably wonders that a lot. I am well aware that there are a few people out there who read this blog. And perhaps, because I know this, I'm wiling to put myself and my imperfections out there. (Not all of them, but most of them.)
I'm at a place right now, where I'm figuring out how I work and the hows and whys of how others work, in a strange quest of acceptance. Not just of others, but, I suppose too of myself. Sometimes I wonder, if we all truly accepted ourselves, exactly as we are (and by acceptance I don't mean not changing if that's what you want to do), just what the world would be like.
At least, that's where I am currently. Who knows where I'll be a few months from now, eh?
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Freedom
Lately, I've been aware of a tendency of mine to trap myself in a box, and forget that at anytime, I can just open the lid and crawl out, or, even better, open the door and walk out.
There've been two aspects of my life recently, where I've done this as of late, and finally, the other day, thanks to the darling advice of a friend who told me, "Grace, you don't have to do any of this", I was free.
She was right. We don't have to move. (This being the bigger of the two.) We can still look, but we don't have to MOVE. We can make do where we are, and in the process save money, spend wisely, and maybe even pay off the house.
Wow. What a concept. Right in line with The Compact I'd mentioned previously. Which has influenced us actually.
Last night, while hubby fought off his NyQuil-ed state long enough for our nightly chats (which haven't been happening due to late bedtimes and NyQuil-ed induced sleeps), we were discussing the "break" that we were taking regarding two big decisions in our lives. One being moving...
Though we've decided to still look at houses, I must admit, that part of me just wants to let it go completely, and focus on paying off the house we now live in and save up money.
As I drifted off to sleep, I found myself thinking of things that I'd want to do with the current house: I planned where I could plant a raised veggie garden, but then it might be best to fence in the backyard with all the cats round here (and deer), which would decrease the light; add steps to the back deck; get a tool shed to hold the mower, lawn, gardening and snow stuff; clear out the dead bush and shrubs in the back - maybe a small tool shed could go there; go through our stuff to see what we really need, and what we can give away or get rid of to create more space... My mind was active, very active.
But it felt good to think of these things, because for the last 6 months, I'd been thinking along the lines of - can't do that until we move, better not get that, until we move, that's on hold... until we move. I'd gotten stuck in stagnation.
I did mention how good I can be at creating little boxes in which to shut myself, didn't I?
So now, I'm feeling much better and lighter. Hubby and I still have things to talk about and discuss, but I've freed myself to be more present now. I don't know where things are going, or what will happen, which is good, as I fretted over things that hadn't happened and put things on hold until they did.
Thank goodness for friends who can let you know, that you just don't have to!
There've been two aspects of my life recently, where I've done this as of late, and finally, the other day, thanks to the darling advice of a friend who told me, "Grace, you don't have to do any of this", I was free.
She was right. We don't have to move. (This being the bigger of the two.) We can still look, but we don't have to MOVE. We can make do where we are, and in the process save money, spend wisely, and maybe even pay off the house.
Wow. What a concept. Right in line with The Compact I'd mentioned previously. Which has influenced us actually.
Last night, while hubby fought off his NyQuil-ed state long enough for our nightly chats (which haven't been happening due to late bedtimes and NyQuil-ed induced sleeps), we were discussing the "break" that we were taking regarding two big decisions in our lives. One being moving...
Though we've decided to still look at houses, I must admit, that part of me just wants to let it go completely, and focus on paying off the house we now live in and save up money.
As I drifted off to sleep, I found myself thinking of things that I'd want to do with the current house: I planned where I could plant a raised veggie garden, but then it might be best to fence in the backyard with all the cats round here (and deer), which would decrease the light; add steps to the back deck; get a tool shed to hold the mower, lawn, gardening and snow stuff; clear out the dead bush and shrubs in the back - maybe a small tool shed could go there; go through our stuff to see what we really need, and what we can give away or get rid of to create more space... My mind was active, very active.
But it felt good to think of these things, because for the last 6 months, I'd been thinking along the lines of - can't do that until we move, better not get that, until we move, that's on hold... until we move. I'd gotten stuck in stagnation.
I did mention how good I can be at creating little boxes in which to shut myself, didn't I?
So now, I'm feeling much better and lighter. Hubby and I still have things to talk about and discuss, but I've freed myself to be more present now. I don't know where things are going, or what will happen, which is good, as I fretted over things that hadn't happened and put things on hold until they did.
Thank goodness for friends who can let you know, that you just don't have to!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Attitude
I recently read this post by Ed over at his blog. First, it got me wondering if I'd told people - "Just you wait until... " in terms of babies. Hmmm... Ed, I think I might have said/written something along those lines, and if I did, I apologize.
I'm not one of those people sitting by, eating popcorn in wait for new parents to have issues, or to go through what we went through; however, I realize I've a tendency to blurt out my thoughts. I think it's just become a habit for me to say things like that, as there have been some people I know who've jumped into parenthood without a clue as to what to expect. In my own mind, I think I wanted to prepare them - life inevitably changes after baby. But then, in recent events, I suppose that's a judgement on my part.
What really strikes me about his post, and Ed in general, is the way he approaches life. He has FUN. In his words:
When faced with any responsibility we tend to see "fun" in those things that match our routines and see "work" in those things that do not. And, thus, there are those who suffer through and those who celebrate the very same things. Which is just a long-winded way of saying: it's all about attitude! After doing something I enjoy, I feel refreshed. After doing something that I just couldn't make myself enjoy, I feel exhausted, as if I have been swimming against a rip tide. So, I've found I get more done by doing things I enjoy.
I've learned to find stimulation in several otherwise mundane tasks. Far from being simple for it, I've found it takes a great deal of imagination, creativity, and energy. I've also found that thinking this way has made me often scratch my head when people warn me of the trials of most things in life.
So, please, let me adjust the Nike slogan of "Just Do It" and replace it with "Just Enjoy It".
Well written Ed (although, if you ever do get around to updating your post, let me know and I'll fix it here).
Perhaps I'll come up with a few other ponderings on this at another time. But right now, I just want to savor the words.
I'm not one of those people sitting by, eating popcorn in wait for new parents to have issues, or to go through what we went through; however, I realize I've a tendency to blurt out my thoughts. I think it's just become a habit for me to say things like that, as there have been some people I know who've jumped into parenthood without a clue as to what to expect. In my own mind, I think I wanted to prepare them - life inevitably changes after baby. But then, in recent events, I suppose that's a judgement on my part.
What really strikes me about his post, and Ed in general, is the way he approaches life. He has FUN. In his words:
When faced with any responsibility we tend to see "fun" in those things that match our routines and see "work" in those things that do not. And, thus, there are those who suffer through and those who celebrate the very same things. Which is just a long-winded way of saying: it's all about attitude! After doing something I enjoy, I feel refreshed. After doing something that I just couldn't make myself enjoy, I feel exhausted, as if I have been swimming against a rip tide. So, I've found I get more done by doing things I enjoy.
I've learned to find stimulation in several otherwise mundane tasks. Far from being simple for it, I've found it takes a great deal of imagination, creativity, and energy. I've also found that thinking this way has made me often scratch my head when people warn me of the trials of most things in life.
So, please, let me adjust the Nike slogan of "Just Do It" and replace it with "Just Enjoy It".
Well written Ed (although, if you ever do get around to updating your post, let me know and I'll fix it here).
Perhaps I'll come up with a few other ponderings on this at another time. But right now, I just want to savor the words.
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