Who am I?

Who am I? How do I define myself? Who do I want (or think I want) to be?

(Ah, if you've no desire to know more about me on this level, just skip this post.) :)

When's the last time you may have addressed questions like this, if ever?

I used to think I knew exactly who I was (or, rather, who I thought I should be). I thought I was an outdoor person. I though I was a gardener and that I would one day (when I had the opportunity, space, and a fence) I would have a fabulous organic vegetable garden filled with good things to eat. I thought I was super woman - the stay-at-home, work-at-home, home schooling mother and wife who could constantly bake from scratch, keep a garden, sew my own clothes, recycle, compost, save the world, stand up for the underdog, have dinner on the table for the hubby, keep a spotless home, live a minimalistic and simple life, and even fly on occasion. ;) I thought I could do a million activities during the week, host house guests, and prepare to travel - at the same time. I could renovate the house instantly. I would homeschool using 3 or 4 curiculums at once, and make sure Pook took swim lessons, Kindermusik, playdates, traveling to museums and that we'd join the home school co-op too. I was the good wife, good mom, good freind, good SIL, good DIL, good daughter (granddaughter, neice, etc.) - when what I really needed was just some time to recharge.

And, as I strived to live this life, I didn't stop to realize that it was what I wanted to do, not what I was actually doing.

Because, you see, I'm not Super Woman. Wonder Woman - yes - but not Super Woman. ;)

So, over the last few months while I've been feeling disconnected in many ways particualarly from life and in a spiritual sense, it never occured to me that I was living my life in the shoulds. (I got stuck in that box with blinders again you see.)

And then, my friend (who's been going through this too), starts asking me questions, trying to understand who I really am, because she could see what was going on, where I couldn't.

And then it hit me - just how long have I been defining who I am based on how I would like others to see me? And why? Well, the why part was simple. If I was unhappy with who I was, wouldn't others be too?

I was taught from a very young age to pick a person who's attributes I admired - then merge them into my life. I never stopped to think about what I was capable of, or what I really liked, because I was also taught I could do or be anything I wanted to be! I just jumped in, went with the flow or with what attracted me at the time. Oh - look at her, strong and independent - that's me! Oh, wow, Martha Stewart - that could be me! Oh - type A personality - that's me!

But what did I really want? I don't think I knew. I just spent most of my life, jumping from thing to thing, leaving people upset because I'd say I'd do one thing, but didn't realize I didn't want to, and the results were, well, less than satisfactory.

And then, my dear friend dares to ask me these awesome questions. And I dared to answer them.

I am many, many things. First and foremost, I am a mom and wife. I started to look at my life; to really, truly look at it and see what I was doing. Because, it would make sense, that if I really, truly wanted that garden, I'd find a way round not having a fence, wouldn't I?

I spend the core of most of my days working at home, home schooling (my own way not via a curriculum as of yet), home making (laundry, cleaning, etc.), writing/blogging/journaling when I have the chance, reading (usually to Pook), and scrounging for breakfast and lunch. Thank God I've a hubby who likes to cook, and cooks most of the dinners. (Love you, honey!)

I noticed that I spend my spare time watching movies with hubby, reading when I get the chance (and not just other blogs), studying home schooling information, listening to birds, sitting outside on the swing admiring my bistro table set, getting to spend time with friends when the opportunity arises, play dates, Kindermusik (once a week in fall and spring, full week in the summer), crocheting (usually while watching a movie or sitting in the KM chatting with moms), sewing (when I get a full day to spread out the fabric over the table, pull out the sewing machine and goodies, and just go at it!), drawing, painting, creating (be it art or cloth or baked goods), decluttering, and dreaming about what I'd like to do with my house (doing it if involves rearranging furniture, getting rid of clutter, and if, most importantly, I can coherce, er, ask hubby to help).

Gardening? Nope, not a priority. Outdoors much? Nope, not really. but the time I am outdoors is totally relaxing. Homemade baked goodies? Only on occasion and when I'm in the mood. Organic-recycling-against consumerism advocate of the world? Nope, though I do my best to buy organic when possible. Living minimalistially? Do not make me laugh. I love books too much. Homeschooling via a classical education? Parts of it, perhaps, but if we expand the family, well, just need to be creative.

Once I got past the fear of everyone ditching me because I wasn't really an outdoor, save-the-planet, type A, people pleasing, organic, activity-crazed, super woman, I realized - hey, I don't need to be these things. And, what a wonderful opportunity for my friends to love me, just as I am. :) Which, is not really any of those afformentioned things. Although, I do love the earth, I'm just not as enthused as I thought I was about dropping the other things in my life to run out and save it.

Yup, I got realistic on myself. Perhaps, when the kiddies are older, I just might join the compact movement. Realistically, if I really, truly wanted it, I'd already be doing it. I totally admire those who live that lifestyle, especially with children, but it's not me. Now, if the recycling truck came to my house everyweek - yes, I'd do it. I take stuff to the good will (right down the street) to get it out of my house because, we all know by now I love to declutter.

If I had a composter, or a compost pile - you bet I'd use it. But, I don't. And yes, I know that if I really, really wanted one, I'd make it happen. Guess I don't want it as badly as I thought.

If shopping at the Good Will and other consignment shops didn't take so much time, and guaranteed that I could go there and immediately find just what I'm looking for - I'd probably shop there more often.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling great right now. So, I'm not Super Woman. I am Wonder Woman - a wonderful woman. Who has discovered, that for right now in my life, I'm happy where I am. One day, I hope to try a garden, but right now, I know that it's really not that feasible for me. And, I'm okay with that. :)