Late night thoughts

For many of you out there, midnight might not be late, but for me, it's beyond late. I live a simple life. I'm usually in bedfore 9 am, no later than 10. I get up at 5:30-6 am most mornings, by choice, because that's my prime time of the day.

But tonight, tonight sleep teases me.

We were in bed early, by 8:30. My sweet angel daughter curled up besides me in bed (it's a ritual to read to her in the big bed, and snuggle a bit before tucking her into her own). Before long, my sweet angel had found sleep. I gathered her into my arms, and placed her lovingly in bed. Hubby, who was up early to write, was out cold, but present just long enough to roll over and spoon, while tenderly avoiding the sore place on my side. It's been sore for a while, who knows why. I don't know if I bruised a rib, pulled something, or what, but it only hurts when pressure is put upon it.

As I lay there, I knew that sleep would not be coming easy. I felt full from eating foods I don't normally eat. And for some strange reason, my heart was heavy and sad. As I'm not premenstrual, I'm not sure quite why I'm feeling this depth of emotional, but I am.

Perhaps it's because my friend (who's psychic) and I were talking about a dear man - the husband of one of my best friends who's fighting his third (I think) bout with cancer. He made it through the last two when they said he wouldn't, and right now, he's going to Ohio for treament, on top of recieving weekly Reiki treament. He can't do chemo, because of the location - it would destroy his organs.

The first bout was in his brain, the second bout took a kidney. But, he made it through. Last night, my friend and I talked of him. She's been telling me for a while that he's tired, that he wants to let go, but that he's holding on because of those around him who want him to hold on. This bugs me, because I'm one of the ones holding on. He's the sweetest man, and I adore him. And I adore my friend, and I don't want to let him go... but I'm not the maker of that decision.

I can't imagine what his wife, my sweet friend L is feeling. Or if she's ready to let go of the man she calls her soulmate. But for the last few months, he's gone through this new treatment, and the tumor has shrunk. They were just blessed with a grandaughter in January as well.

This could be why my soul is so torn. Perhaps, on a subcouscious level Iv'e started to grieve. I mean, after all, passing over is a way of life. At some point, we will make the decision to leave our physical bodies and go to that place beyond, whatever it be.

Things are always changing, growing, passing. As I held my precious almost-3yr-old in my arms tonight, I wanted to weep so badly, because each day she grows. She was once a tiny babe in my arms, and now, now she talks. She dances, she runs, she places those tiny hands on my face, and pulls my own hand to her face.

Once a week we go to a Kindermusik class, and there is a sister of one of the girls in the class who is about 8 or 9 with blue eyes and hair the color of my child's. And tonight, when I tried to imagine my little one at that age, I wanted to weep. I buried my head against her... to watch her grow... one day she'll be an adult...

Ugh.

Tonight, my heart is heavy with unshed tears. My husband and child sleep in their own beds, blissfully unaware of my saddness. I've been fighting it for the past two hours, but maybe, just maybe I need to weep. To grieve the eventual passing of my dear friend... and to release whatever other grief I might be feeling.

I hate letting go of things that I'm not ready too. I know my daughter is going to grow older, and want her independence, and that is so freakin hard for me, because all I want to do is protect her and keep her innocent from harm, to hold her in my arms, and kiss each tender tear away...

Alas, though she is of my flesh, and I birthed her forth, she is not my possession but her own person. And I wouldn't want her to be any less. Like I said, there are some things, I've yet to let go of.

And so dear readers, I thank you for you patience and endurance of my moment of sadness. My thoughts are clearer than when I began. Perhaps I've made enough room in my mind for sleep to find me.

I hope, that my feeling of saddness is simply a passing thing, and not a sign of something else. When you hang around psychics, you start to pay more attention to your own intuition and latencies I suppose. It's been an interesting ride for me this last year I dare say.

Ah... but before I go... Sarah BanBrathenache suggests we make a list of 101 blessing in our lives... maybe this will help to ease my silent heart burden, eh?

So, here they are, in no particular order other than typing them out, then I'm off to heed the whispers of sleep:

1. Love
2. My child
3. My husband
4. My friend L
5. My friend G
6. Canadian Penguin
7. Canadian Penguin's bro
8. Being able to eat what I choose
9. Being able to see both sides
10. L's farm
11. My nephew
12. Mom
13. Dad
14. DB
15. DSIL
16. ILs
17. a phonecall from Dad
18. dancing by firelight
19. creating personal rituals
20. rhythm of the seaons
21. a clean sheet of paper, ready for painting
22. Living in a home I adore
23. sage green
24. blue sky; white puffy clouds
25. new journal
26. leaves
27. rain
28. moon
29. airplanes
30. boats
31. music
32. drums
33. chickweed
34. My Internet Pals
35. Uncle R
36. Aunt P
37. Sunrise
38. Sunset
39. Compassion
40. A fresh snowfall
41. Spring rain storms
42. sunny days
43. Rainy days
44. a mid afternoon nap
45. my brother's old bed spreads (good for lying on the ground outside all snuggled in)
46. picnics outside
47. picnics inside
48. Good friends
49. tea parties
50. chamomile tea
51. beaches of Taiwan (memories of)
52. walking while holding hands
53. Having family that I enjoy spending time with
54. Freshly cut tulips
55. Fresh flowers
56. Fresh breeze
57. My other friend L
58. My sweet friend P
59. Having a job where I can work from home.
60. horses
61. animals
62. kisses from a child
63 New friend L and her twins
64. The ability to declutter
65. Having a relaxing weekend visit with mom
66. Intuition
67. Being able to go within
68. Flylady
69. Intersting Blogs
70. A crisp fall day
71. A cool summer day
72. Hugs
73. snuggles
74. bouquets of flowers
75. being able to gather fresh eggs, newly laid from a chicken
76. walking the hills
77. knowing the people I know
78. reconnecting with people I once knew
79. being who I am today
80. grace
81. feather pillows
82. picture drawn for me by da pook
83. Grandparents who really love my child
84. having friends that leave you feeling nurtured and loved after a visit
85. knowing that I always have a choice - even if it's how I react
86. being a mom
87. being a wife
88. appreciating the power of nature
89. appreciating my own inner power
90. charcoal gray yoga pants
91. being attuned for Reiki
92. Goddess deck
93. poetry
94. a good, sparkly, glitter pen
95. pommegrantes
96. dark chocolate
97. hot cocoa latte
98. chai latte
99. a good red wine
100. smell of fresh herbs
101. scent after it rains

Good night. Sweet dreams to all...