A fly on my wall...

Each morning I log on, my homepage comes up with The Daily Motivator. Some days, I briefly skim it, and then there are days like today when I read a post that hits so close to home, I swear Ralph has been listening in to conversations around my house, or, even better, my brain waves. Like today's post on conquering doubt for instance.

Recently I've been made more aware of my knack of avoiding things. I could also tell you about my discovery (and heretofore admissions - gulp!) of my addictions to such things as the computer, various blogs, chocolate, as well as a few other things that I could probably do without, yet have a really hard time letting go of. In any case, in avoiding dealing with these addictions, as well as other life challenges, I'm realizing it's not left me feeling very good about myself.

Last night, while having a discussion with my beloved, I'd mentioned a few things I admired and even envied about others. He asked me, "So if you admire or envy these things so much, why aren't you doing them?"

I feel the tightness in my chest and tried to hide in my pillow as I softly responded, "I don't know."

"Well, there's obviously a reason, as you say you want to do them, but you aren't doing them."

I hated that I'd had similar conversations before with a friend of mine. I hated admitting that he was right, and I didn't want to look closer, to see the weakness that was obviously the root of the issue. It was easier to think I couldn't do something, to come up with reasons why I couldn't do something, than to admit it was me.

As my mind wandered, I realized that I'm really good at coming up with excuses for not doing something. I heard the familiar reel start in my head, "It's because you're lazy... you're not good enough... "

And then my beloved pointed out my addictions, and the part in which they played. In particular to this little machine I sit typing on. As my stomach fell, I realized that he was right. "So why is it so hard? Why can't I just stop?"

"Why can't you?" he asked, then replied, "Because it's far too easy to keep an addiction. The addiction is part of your comfort zone." It then hit me, I do not like to step out of my comfort zone, especially when it's feeling particularly cozy. *Sigh*.

And then, when I logged on and read Ralph's post today, something hit home:

"If you wait until conditions are perfect, all you'll ever do is wait. Great accomplishments are given birth by starting from where you are with what you have."

That's one of my main reasons for not doing things. (Perhaps I'm addicted to being a perfectionist?).

So maybe what I need to do, is take Ralph's words today to heart, "Stop wondering and start doing. Once you've done it you'll always know, without the slightest doubt, that you can."

First step, is to step away from this computer, and set a timer when I check in for work later.