You've got the look, or not

My last post sparked more thoughts in regards to comparisons. We all do it. At some point, we end up comparing ourselves with another person. Whether it's the fashion model in the magazine, or the co-worker with that amazing gift of waiting until the last minute before busting out the perfect project or an idea that was so brilliant, you wish you'd thought of it. In some ways, I suppose it's human nature, but, in many ways, I think it's become detrimental.

When I was younger, my mother always told me that all I needed to do, was to find the traits that I admired in other women, and make them my own. My mother grew up with her chosen role models of strong women like Liz Taylor and Catherine Hepburn. And, if you know my mom, she really has adopted parts of these gals and is as strong-willed too. Thus, I grew up never really learning to look within myself and appreciate what I have, but to look outside. That was my mother's generation I think. That, and the fact she felt that my grandmother wasn't very strong.

My grandmother never liked confrontations, and was quite meek. Although, she can be as mischievious as anything when around people she's comfortable with. But, when it comes to strangers, or asserting herself, forget about it. My mother, on the other hand, asserts herself continually, as though she's fighting against an unfair world. The older she gets though, the more she acts like Grams though. (Shh... don't tell her!)

One of the main reasons I've been thinking about this whole issue of comparison, is due to my family. You see I come from a rather vain family, that consists of very physically beautiful people. I know this because everyone who sees pictures of them or meets them will tell me so. Continually. (I kid you not. My mother, who's in her 60's still gets flirted with, as does my father, and my brother, and I'm continually told that my grandmothers don't look a day over 70, even though they are both in their mid to late 80's.) So, I suppose in some way I've learned how to see the ugly and negative because of this. Not to mention the fact, growing up in a family of "gorgeous" people, and being told so, sometimes leaves me feeling like the ugly duckling. (I got the braces, glasses, acne, no "style", and awkwardness of the bunch.)

For a while, I told myself I was beautiful. Others told me I was beautiful (I did try to believe them). I acted like I felt beautiful. And then, I got the ultimate ego shock, when a girl who looked just like me ( a smaller version), was asked my a mutual friend to pose for photos, but not me. And then he'd ask other friends to pose for shots, but not me. Yes, can we say Ouch? My ego is still recovering from that bruise. So, I went back to being the ugly duckling. It was easier to accept. (So Phil, your comment, was beyond sweet. Thank you.)

Having my own daughter, who is extraordinarily beautiful (in looks and personality) to the point we are stopped in stores so people can complement us on her blue eyes and complexion, I've been a little concerned about this. Perhaps that's why my eyes are opening to how I see things around me. I see her as beautiful, but how will she see herself? Will she vainly know she is beautiful? Will she feel that she's not beautiful? Or, will she be blessed enough to see that not only is she beautiful, but so is everyone else? I hope so.

I love the new Dove ads, encouraging women to be beautiful as they are and in all shapes and sizes. It's been far too long that Victoria Secret models, Barbie dolls, and runway waifs have been the "ideal" for women I feel. I'm not a waif by any means. I'm curvacious, and have been since puberty. I've been told I'm beautiful, but could never really see myself as others saw me, and, well, I never really felt beautiful, save for a few times in highschool.

Last night though, I was blessed to be shown myself through the eyes of a dear friend. She described me as graceful, elegant, exotic looks, long legs, with an air about me that might cause some people to be a little intimidated to approach me, I think she even compared me to princess Diana (which bowled me over). When she first told me this, I was in denial. Me, graceful? Elegant... maybe. Exotic looks? Long legs? An intimidating air? No way. But then, I closed my eyes while she talked, and pretended that I was her watching me come into the room.

I let myself see what she saw. And when she told me that what drew her to me the most was the ever-present energy of loving-life, that was what made her want to know me more. I could see my smile, that mischievious twinkle in my eye, and my laugh. I've got a loud laugh, but I love to laugh and smile. I wasn't focused on the thighs, the tummy, the wrinkles, I just saw this elegant, graceful being, come into the room, sit down, laugh, smile, and greet others as they came into the room. Wow. I didn't compare myself to my mother, my cousins, or anyone else, because all I could see was ME.

I was radiant. I was filled with a vibrance for life I hadn't noticed. I was beautiful. How wonderful would it be, if we could all see the beauty within ourselves? Need an ego boost, want to see yourself from another angle, let me know. Because from today on, I'm focusing on only the beauty.

My friend asked me if I'd trade my looks, my inner self, who I am, and all I've been through to have the beauty and charisma I see in my mother. I couldn't spout "No way" fast enough. It was then I realized, I am really happy and in love with parts of myself. Now, it's time to embrace those other bits...