5 years ago...

Five years ago today, I woke up early in the morning, to a superb breakfast fixed by my mother, and joined by some of my dearest girl friends. We got our hair styled, put on makeup, I found a brief few minutes to write in a journal, then we were off. We caravaned to our location, scouted out the area, and made our way into the huge dressing room, where we donned our dresses and dancing slippers. Two girls stood watch outside the door, one "enforced" and handled all the bad news, while we waited for the bouquets to arrive and posed for pictures.

I had a few brief, but powerful moments with my mother, who stood at the door teary-eyed, admiring her daughter, dressed in a white gown, embroidered with white flowers. When it was my father's turn, he stood speechless before me. I can only imagine him comparing the woman before him, to the little girl he once held in his arms.

The months of planning, stress of figuring out what would fit in our tight budget, how many people we could invite (anger at those we "had" to invite but didn't want to), and all other negatives seemed to melt away in the folds of my gown.

Once the hubby-to-be was safely out of sight, I emerged for a few pictures before the ceremony to the "ahs and ohs" of those already seated. I felt like a beautiful fairy queen, surrounded by her ladies in waiting, emerging from her own private world into this one.

Then, it was time to go back in the room and wait until we got the okat to come out. I hadn't seen my love yet that morning, though I talked to him on the phone. Ours was one of those relationships where we'd become dear friends, who found out they were in love with each other. (Okay, so he did know way before I did... I was a little slow and very gunshy about love.)

I remember standing at the door, waiting to go outside. One by one my ladies-in-waiting/bridesmaids walked out into the sun to the music. I joked with my dad about envisioning the two of us being on a fishing trip, and how many fish we'd caught. He was nervous, and emotional. I remained strangely calm, and peaceful. Two ladies stayed behind to carry the train I hadn't planned on, but that was so perfect with it's white embroidered garden.

Then, there it was, that music that created the image of someone coming out of the morning mists into view. I stepped into the light, my arms on my father's, and his tears began to flow. Having a daughter of my own now, I can empathisize with him more so. We stepped forth, and I finally caught the view of the man who would soon be my husband. He too was dressed in white. I was glad we'd waited to see one another.

The ceremony was a blur, I barely remember the vows we spoke. It was just me and him, looking at one another. We exchanged rings, we kissed, and that fast, we were married. Then, we took more pictures, and lined up to enter the ballroom. There was food, dancing, laughing, dancing, dancing, cake, and more dancing. We danced until the last possible moment, went to get changed, then we were off to another party.

The next morning, our first together as a husband and wife, we held each other tenderly - with no clue as to what was in store.

Our first year was wrought with a few unexpected challenges, that provided us with growth and many lessons. Our second year was interesting as we made friends andprepared for impending parenthood. Our third year, we celebrated holding and feeding a tiny little angel in our arms. The next two years held more challenges, surprises, and lessons. And now, here we are today, celebrating our fifth year as husband and wife.

Looking back, I don't think I fully understood what marriage entailed or was, other than the next step in a relationship. I've always been fond of stories, and somehow bought into the "fairy tale" image. Which, if you knew my parents (now divorced), you'd think I'd know better. I'm not sure what I expected exactly, but I quickly learned, that I needed to change my expectations and embrace acceptance, or we were going to have problems.

When we got married, I quickly learned just how different my hubby was. He needed time alone; I was more social. He needed time alone; I wanted to do everything with him. I wanted things done my way - usually right now; he didn't feel that it was that urgent. I expected a lot from him that first year, and he still here.

Life has its own rhythm. There are days when you are right on target, feeling great, and lots of energy. Then, there are those days where your motivation has run off with energy. There's a rhythm to life, to the seasons... it's in everything - especially marriage.

For those of you who aren't married, and those who are, the best advice I ever got about being married, was to learn the rhythm of the relationship, and recognize it always moves and changes. There will be times when you are both so connected, you will amaze yourselves. There will be times when you need to be alone, times to be together, times when one wants one thing, and the other another. There will be times when you are not very pleased with your spouse, and other times, when you are blown away by their charm and love. There are times when you might feel disconnected; but you can always reconnect. Relationships blossom when you nuture them.

Over the past 5 years, we've really grown as a team, as a couple, as parents, and as individuals. So, we wanted to celebrate this anniversary in a way that was special to us, and that involved renewing our vows, recommiting to marriage (and what we've learned about it), only this time on our terms. We are still learning, still growning, and still investing in our marriage and family.

This last week, we've been preparing for a quiet ceremony of our own on the side of our friend's mountain. There will only be 3 witnesses as opposed to a slew of bridesmaids and groomsmen. We'll be wearing jeans and hiking boots. Hubby's hair, that he had to cut for our wedding (or his mom threatened not to come), is now past his mid-back. We've got a flower girl. There are many other connections I've been making between now and then, but the big one for me, is that we are planning to recommit ourselves to each other, release expectations, fear, worries, and general things in our lives that have been "holding us back" or blocking our growth. The people there to witness it, are already wonderful support systems in our lives, and on very similar paths.

So dearest love, as I know you read this, Happy Anniversary to you. It's been challenging, wonderful, and amazing. I feel like each step we take together provides us with a chance to grow. And to me, that's what marriage is about. Growing, expereincing, learning... and doing it together.

I am so blessed to have a partner like you that I can talk to about everything and anything. I am so grateful for our ability to work through things, and learn from things; for your willingness to work with me to change perspectives, make changes, and live healthier lifestyles. I appreciate the respect that we have always had for one another, but especially how it's grown. I really have grown to love and honor you, etc. etc. I just didn't get it as well as I do now.

In the last 5 years, there is still nothing better than being in your arms, your hugs, those whispered hand kisses, your smile, those backrubs late at night when I know you are tired and would rather be sleeping, and that feeling of connectedness we share.

I love you.