Finding myself...

I had another realization today. I know, I have a lot of realizations, but I spent most of my life creating a self based on who I thought I should be, intead of who I am, so, discovering these things about myself is fascinated. Hmm... okay, so I guess I fascinate myself. Ha! :)

Anyway...

Today I went to the store. I'm addicted to this place here called Gabe's, that sells namebrand stuff, some with flaws, most just excess for really sweet prices. I went there a few weeks ago, and I kept passing up this skirt that I couldn't take my eyes off of. It was long, and the pattern looked like impressionist painted lavender garden. It was indeed sweet. I kept resisting it, but it was there in the back of my mind, sweetly reminding me of its presense.

So today, after taking in the car for it's oil checkup (I really go there because they treat me and Pook so lovely), and then I found myself driving to Gabe's. I was worried about the Pook, but gave her lots of attention, helped her ride in various places on the cart (yeah, YOU try to keep a 3-yr-old strapped in the front!), and, grabbed a few things to try on. Well, there was that skirt, and a cute lavendar top too.

Well, I went in the fitting room and tried it one. WOW. There I was, in a long floral print skirt, with a lavendar top, and I looked like a princess. I felt amazing.

Now, there's something I need to share. I spent most of my life defying anything pink or girly. I am not entirely sure why, but I'd gotten it into my head that I wanted to be rough and tough and strong, and therefore, not very feminine I suppose. I prefered camoflouge or black. Give me combat boots and a biker jacket any day. Maybe it was my way of just being defiant (my mother used to model and sew her own fashionable clothes, and mine).

The funny thing, is that behind it all, I just wanted to be loved. I didn't know or understand the benefits of learning to love and appreciate yourself at the time. I spent a lot of time seeking it from outside sources, only to get hurt or hurt. In any case, suddenly I've found myself drawn to the very skirts I rejected, and even floral prints. By god, I even want to start collecting those cute little floral tea cups with saucers, and get myself one of those lovely wide brimmed hats. (And yes, *sigh* I'm being serious.)

It's so weird, because I'm finally feeling in touch with my femininity. I don't feel weak, or less strong... if anything, I feel awesome as I discover my new tastes, and allow myself to like what I want to like. When I was younger, I think a large part of my identity was determined through my mother. I tended to mold myself to what she liked, and didn't. For instance, she lothes country, and living in WV, I actually like it. For a long time though, I never gave it a chance.

Hmmm... Never gave it a chance. There were a lot of things like that before. But that, will have to be in another post.