The grass is always greener...

I can remember listening to these tapes my mom bought me as a child. You listened to the tapes, and drew pictures corresponding with the stories. There was this one, I vaguely remember, but it was about farm animals who were unhappy living on their farm, and how they always envied and thought the farm next door with the fresh green grass was better.

Now, I probably listened to these things over 20 some years ago, so I'm not sure if this is right or not, but I think one of the animals went to live on this "greener" farm, only to find out the grass, as well as life there, wasn't as sweet as on the old one.

These last few days, have provided me with so much to think about. Looking back through my writings, I've realized something else. Something much more prominent about all this. Some how, some way, I get it into my head, that my life will be better if I simplify, declutter, get more organized, cut down my job hours, etc. etc. My darling hubby says that it's probably due to my mom.

You see, my mom says she's happy, but she's always looking to fix this, do this, do that... She raised me with the midset that if you didn't like something about yourself or your life, look to someone you admired, and then incorporate those qualities in your life. I'm getting goosebumples just typing this. Because looking back at my life, I've been chasing a dream.

I'm going to open up a bit here. My dad, he's an alcoholic. My mom, I don't quite know how to describe her. They did the best they could, and it wasn't until about 4 years or so ago, I was finally able to accept them for who they are, and that they did the best they could. You see, I'd always wanted parents who fit my expectations. Hell, I wanted a mate, friends, a life, that fit my expectations. Expecations that were based on what I thought worked for others, or how I thought others lived.

And now, tonight, I sit here holding the realization that in some cases I still have these expectations, mostly of myself. Looking at my life, I've got it pretty good. A strong family unit, an awesome hubby, and amazing child. I work from home, and can arrange to spend days at a farm, or pop up to town to visit the hubby.

I don't think I need to simplify my life. Yes, I can still get rid of clutter, but I think that some where along the line, have a decluttered and simple life (which I never really defined), became that fresh field of green grass on the other side.

I'm damn hard on myself at times. I think I "should" be a super mom capable of working from home, keeping house, taking the kids to activities, homeschooling, etc. etc. complicating things by allowing that inner nag to berate me when I feel overwhlemed by work and life... and the fact is, that it happens. Life happens.

And life's been happening while I've been standing at the fence imagining the green grass (probably that way due to chemical fertilizer and other toxins) in the other field and how sweet it would be once I crossed the fence. In the meantime, I've been missing, (well, I don't always have my head looking at that field, sometimes it's just been in my head), or not paying full attention to the beauty and simplicity around me.

So thanks for helping me come to this realization. Ed and Phil, your comments really helped to "see more clearly".

Yup, maybe, I shouldn't be focusing on what to prune, or what to change, or what my life could be like. Maybe, I just need to focus and make the most of the "what is".

G'night folks. Sweet dreams to all.