Time to shift focus

After my last few posts, I needed to write about something else, something more uplifting. So today, I want to focus on the warm sun that embraces my bare arms through the living room window. In the other room, Pook is making a pumpkin pie for her Dora doll and pouring lemonade (not for real, for pretend). Now, she has come to the living room, singing. It's sweetness at its best.

We did yoga this morning. We've laughed. We hugged and "OM-ed" and "Namaste-d". This afternoon is her last Kindermusik class for the season. So for us, "summer" is beginning next week.

And in June, we will go on a healing pilgrimage of sorts. Spending time with family, focusing on the laughter and love. Supporting one another, reaching out, making the most of it.

With this shift, I sense a shift in our own home. There's been a shift in my heart, as I've consciously decided that I choose to celebrate life and the people in it, and stop being so hard on me because there are so many things I want to do, yet, in reality finding the time to do these things isn't the same.

So, I've been making choices. I've been prioritizing areas of my life I wasn't aware that I could. Family's taken a front burner for the time being, while we work on the healing and making memories together. Things like gardening, painting and the fence aren't as important to me as they once were.

I'm not sure what's happening, but I'm feeling peaceful. I feel as though I've come to terms with my life choices and have made peace with myself in a way. There's something about just knowing that some things out there aren't me, and I'm not as interested in as others. And knowing that it's okay.

And then, there's that recognition that I choose to live a slower paced life then most, so even though we don't have plans with other people one weekend, doesn't mean I need to feel guilty because I'm consciously choosing to stay home that weekend. In fact, I'm more appreciative that we can step back and keep our life at a slower and simpler pace then most.

So, I've just sort of been basking in the acceptance of myself. Which, has led me to the acceptance of others. Funny how that works. :)

I wish...

I wish I could wave a wand, and make it clear to you, that you will find love again. That you can find love in someone who is worthy of you, who won't lie to you, who won't steal from you, push you, hit you, cheat on you, or manipulate you and your gift for opening your heart and loving because you feel you have no choice but to love, or that you can't find that love with anyone else.

I wish I could show you how strong you are, that the loneliness you feel will pass, and that sometimes, when your life has been threatened, regardless of sharing a child with that person - the best thing is to walk away. You don't have to stop loving, but some things, regardless of the hope we have cannot be fixed. And some things end in death.

You used to dream of love that was true, of a beautiful wedding and vows that were taken seriously not just by you, but another. And twice now, you've been burned. What's to say that there won't be a third? What's to say that you can't find love again, with someone who treats you as you love others?

I am not in your shoes. I have not walked your path. I do not know your heart, and I know that I see things in a much different light then you do. I stay back - it's your life, your choice, and nothing I say will influence you otherwise. But then, I don't think you are looking for advice this time. You follow your heart.

I care for you. I trust that only you know what is best for you, but it bothers me that your choices could end your life or the life of your child, although you may not see it that way.

I pray for you, because I love you and I don't want you to become one of those statistics because you thought you were doing the right thing, and ending up abused - verbally, mentally, and physically. And because praying is all I can do for you right now.

I pray, that you can find peace. That you can find love for yourself, and step away from those who claim they love you, but whose love involves abuse.

I do not want to loose you or your child to someone who doesn't love with the openess, forgiveness and freedom that you do. You are a gift, such a gift.

I do not know the answers. I do not know your path. But I do know your heart, and I can only pray it will keep you safe.

How we feel here at the home front:

It's been quiet in the sense that we seem to have turned a bit inward. I suppose having time to think and just bask in quiet will do that. New schedules, preparations, and thoughts of mortality will do that I suppose.

In regards to the mortality, my grandmother's deterioration just seems to slowly get worse. Though there in body, she's not in mind. And so all you see and spend time with is the shell. In any case, it's forced me to face the fact that one never knows if the last time you see a person will be the last. I think about how I would like to spend that moment, if it were the last. What impression would I want to take away or leave?

I choose to bask in the blessings, to consciously choose to love and be love, to be grateful and speak of my appreciation. I do not want the drama or to be caught in a web. I offer my love, and I choose love, with the realization that not all are accepting of this love and that some may abuse my intentions. And in that case, I know that I need to let go, and let them be. And that's okay.

What does my heart speak? My heart speaks of love, appreciation, and gratitude. My intention is love, appreciation, and gratitude.

Checking in

I've been purposefully quiet on this end. Taking things in; doing lots of thinking.

Things have shifted here. It's amazing how new schedules can shift things up a bit. I think it's a good thing, but there's still that underlying feeling of chaos as things settle. And, as there will be more rearranging come June with traveling, I sort of feel as though I'm just holding on for the ride for a bit.

Instead of putting things "on hold" (or trying to), I'm like wheat in the breeze, going with the flow and basking in the sunshine.

It's a wonderful experience, one which, I'm finding a wee bit difficult to put into words actually. Who knows... perhaps it will result and blossom into something quite wonderful.

We shall see...

Freedom from Self-Improvement Day

I thought this was pretty cool. A freedom from self-improvement day. More information here for those interested (or just tired of trying to improve one's self:

http://www.freedomfromselfimprovement.com/

Revelations of one who's boxed herself in - yet again!

This week, da hub has been on a business trip. At first, I was really scared to be a single mom for a week, simply because I'd never done it before. And for those of you who read this, who are single moms... I have a whole new respect for you, and I've also realized the blessings you have.

For one thing, I never realized how I had limited myself to keep my schedule similar to hubs. Perhaps it was because I'd bought into the mindset of being home when he gets home to welcome him with a clean house and dinner. Which, mind you, doesn't always happen as I'd like. Thankfully, I've got a hubby who enjoys cooking! (Note, he never asked me to do this. He even wondered WHY I did this. Cause you see, I felt I wasn't doing enough at home and needed to make his life easier. I know - I'm so silly sometimes!)

And then, I started on this journey to discover who I am really, and what I really like. Oh, I've discovered such lovely things. I enjoy skirts! Especially fru-fru ones! I like to be outside - just not all day. I'm not a bug person. I love that I've a friend that I meet with once a week so that our kiddos can play together, and we can sit up a blanket on the grass and watch them chase butterflies.

And these last two days, I discovered that I don't have to mold my schedule to fit hubby's. For one thing, I do a lot during the day, and though I'm not paid for being a mom, it's still a job. Besides, he'd enjoy a few extra hours to himself during the week, and I'm going to start taking some time for me on the weekends (Did I mention this to you yet, darling? I am now...) so that I can recharge and be a better mom and wife.

I spent today out past my usual self-imposed curfew, and it was wonderful. I'm really enjoying my new-found independence, and also enjoying the fact that I can stay up late and create my own schedule. (Remember, I think in my own way, which isn't always as others think, and so realizing things like this, that others know, is big for me, though it might not be for you.)

So, this week, instead of dreading the situation, I've been embracing it, and enjoying it. It's been so freeing for me to do my own thing. And, who knows... I just may end up appreciating hubby even more so. :) Absence makes the heart grow fonder... and mine is definitely growing!

Is this a secret?

Someone asked me today if my parents read my blog, or my ILs... Not to my knowledge is the answer. Although if you are family, and do - let me know! ;)

So, this led me to think about why. Well, because I think that some people's feelers might be hurt. Here I write to just get my thoughts and feelings out there for me mostly. They are jumbled, rambled, sometimes a mess, and they change! And, it's actually quite healing for me. I've been told I've got a "strong personality", and I suppose I do to the extent that I'm not much for a double s kissing. I have been known to lash out when my ego's been bruised (and I am working on that). Thus, I've only let certain peeps know about this lil blogsphere of mine.

If I complement you - it's real. If I'm grateful for you and appreciative you are in my life, I let you know. If I don't like you, it'll probably be pretty obvious because I won't want to be around you (although I'd like to think I'm rather civil about it - which should be your main clue most of the time, ;) And, if I have issues, I usually just bring them up, probably pretty bluntly (save for with those people who've made it clear they'd rather dance and prance around the issue, and in that case I may or may not try to be more gentle about it - or, I just blog it here until I decide to address it. ;)

Oh, and I haven't always been this way, only in the last few years, when I realized it saves so much time to just put your cards on the table and clear up the mess. And lately, I'm all for saving time, getting to the meat of the matter, and moving on with life.

In any case, at first I was concerned with why I choose to keep anonymity with the certain people. But, now, I'm not. If they find it - oh well, it is out there. I don't censor it, and I'd welcome chat about it. I think having it out here, is a validation that it is out here. And, those who love me for me, recognize that I'm growing and learning each day. I'm not the same person I was last year, or the year before, because I'm choosing to learn and grow from my experiences.

And now, I'm in this realm of self-acceptance and discovery that's just been amazing... I know that I'm okay. I am me... I ramble, I change my mind (a lot), I've got and ego (*gasp!* who doesn't?) I used to seek approval and now I'm finding that self-approval is more realistic and more fulfilling. And I'm changing and growing.

And those who love me for me, have been embracing and encouraging this, giddly clapping along on occasion! And those who don't love me, don't. And there's nothing I can do about it -- and I'm okay with this. (Today anyway!) At least I can be grateful for the life lessons I've gained from them, and for the fact that when they exhale - they feed the plants. ;)