Moments 15 and then some...

It's been an amazing week...

Time spent with Mom. Watching her enjoy all of her grandchildren together. Snuggling baby, teaching Pook about her garden, going on a radish hunt. Her smile, her radiance, her exhaustion at the end of a 13 hour day.

Seeing my aunts and uncles. Introducing them to baby, trying to catch up on one another lives. Basking in the love, the vision, their presence. Bliss.

Watching my father enjoy his family. Feeling his hugs, watching his amazement as he takes in his grandchildren who frolic and play with one another, while the baby watches. Praying for his health.

Disappointment over not being able to meet with everyone. Followed by the excitement of possibilities of future adventures to make this happen.

Reconnecting with friends - old and new. Watching our children play together and laugh.

Being welcomed into open arms at the beach house. Feeling the tears well up with joy at
being embraced by old friends.

Boardwalk fries, pizza, watching Pook's new aunties take her on the ferris wheel and take her in as their own. Feeling the sand between my toes, and tearing up at the sound of the waves coming in to shore to kiss my toes.

Watching Pook and her newest friend encourage one another from playing together, crafting together, swimming together, and enjoying the ocean waves together. My heart hurting as she tells us how she misses him, and how she wants to go back to the beach some day.

Hugging people multiple times to keep the love and store up for the future, when I'm so far away.

And finally, basking in my heart overflowing with joy, gratitude and love, cherishing the memories and looking forward to future adventures.

May - The month of healing, compassion, gratitude, and moments

I sit here, my vacation almost over, my heart overflowing with love and gratitude. It has been an incredible adventure, with plans gone awry, amazing people, nights lasting until 5 am, pomegranate margaritas and wine, and dear, dear friends.

I began the month with an event that resulted in a much needed healing. A door opened, a light went on, and I was able to let go of years of pain, frustration, and heartache. It was replaced with compassion, joy, and love.

Throughout the month, I've been able to reflect, embrace and bask in joy. Sunny days with my little loves, more events that led to enlightening (or the light shinning brighter). Taking time to stop and breathe, and discovering hidden gifts everywhere. I've learned that I enjoy cooking, exploring new foods and tastes, and allowing myself to let go and just sense and feel things.

I've ended this month by basking in the hugs and company of family and friends, and experiencing more healing. Though I wasn't able to meet up with everyone we wanted to, we were able to meet up with quite a few amazing people.

I basked in the sun's light. I dared to let things go. I was careful where I needed to be, and embraced adventure. I reconnected with friends of old and new.

I feel as though I've gotten closure on many things. I've released many, many things. I've embraced many things. All in all, May has been an incredible month. I wonder what June shall bring...

The Healing

Recently, something happened. Years of pent up anger, jealousy, frustration, miscommunication, obsession, and torment were resolved in the period of less than two days by simply listening and embracing compassion. Like water spiraling and emptying out through a drain into the sea, the negativity dissipated as something "clicked" and I was able to let go.

Now, my heart is filled with peace. I am filled with peace and love. And the beauty, whereas I once felt I "had to" reach out, take action, get involved and help fix, is that I have found the path that is best for me. It is one of love and compassion with detachment. I don't have to be connected to love. I don't have to reach out to fix what doesn't want (or may not need) to be fixed.

It's okay.

Through acceptance, I was not only able to accept another; I was able to accept myself. The person I was, the things that I do now, the things I don't do, and my perceptions of me, are okay. I was able to see that I am a compassionate, and loving being, a part of me has always been.

And for this, I am so grateful.

My One Thing

So, I've been thinking about this, a lot since my first post on it. What is my one thing? I started thinking about what my likes are, what I'm drawn to, etc. And, well, I'm coming out with an awareness about myself I believe I've been denying. Which, ties into this post interestingly enough, involving who I am.

Over the last few years, I've become a bit more logical, a bit more grounded in reality. It's been good, and fascinating, and has changed me. I've never really been grounded in reality to the extent I have been these last few years. I wouldn't consider myself to be a logical person, actually a part of me rebels against logic and rationalism. Though I've wanted to be these things, because they makes sense and can be proven, and easily defended most times. And yet, all I can say, is that many times it doesn't "feel" right.

If you met me many years ago, I'd have told you that "everything happens for a reason", just "let go and let god", karma is real, and that "everything is working out for the greater good", oh, and that yes, you definitely create your own reality via your thoughts. I'd also tell you, "I go by how it feels." I'm still on the wall with a few of these things, and I now totally understand why I got such crazy looks when I spouted these words off to others who didn't believe them. They were my truth, my center, my light and my comfort. And then, one day, someone in my life pointed out some things, and suddenly, I wasn't so sure anymore. I wasn't so sure about god either.

I'm digressing; I know.

I used to make most of my decisions based on how I felt. And, when I didn't, I ended up feeling bad. Feelings - as in sensations and emotions, have always been a large part of my life and my enjoyment of life. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how intertwined feelings are in my life. So, what is my one thing? Feeling, no, maybe a better word would be Sensual (as in basking in the senses).

I enjoy the various textures of materials. Give me soft sheets and fabric to wrap up in. My house is strewn with pillows and blankets. With the exception of the kitchen, I think I've pillows in every room actually...

I enjoy how I feel when I touch a fabric, or when I find a certain color or pattern that can only be described as yummy. Oh, how I love the calmness I feel when I see a color like khaki/sage green! Or the vivid color and scent of lavender! Pictures can stir within various sensations for me. I love how I feel when I complete a sewing project, or while I'm stitching.

I don't just look at certain things - I feel them. My grandmother's chairs feel soft and velvety, and enable me to feel her and think about her - even though she's not with me. Her crocheted blanket is the same way, and now I've her old outdoor table and chairs that are hard and firm metal, and stir emotions in me.

Oh, and food? I love chai lattes (both taste and texture) with peanut butter on toasted Ezekiel bread for breakfast. Or vanilla yogurt with fresh berries? Yum. Give me a pomegranate, and I am in heaven with the taste and texture. I love digging out the ruby red seeds (oh what color!) and feeling the crunchy squish followed by the sweet tartness - Oh how all of my senses just dance!

I love the taste of my friend Linda's homemade bread. She serves it with salad and cheese (usually), and it is heaven. It doesn't feel or taste the same if I'm not at the farm, and with her. I think it's because when I'm there, I'm not just enraptured with the taste and textures and scenery, but her love. And, I adore the feeling of love and feeling loved.

I read books, especially ones that leave me feeling good, peaceful, inspired, or blissful. And I like to read, because I like how it feels to hold a book and look at the words and just sit with it. I love reading outside, where I can feel the breeze and hear the wind chimes, and feel the sun.

When I watch a movie or video, if it moves me, it is because I feel it. I will cry if I am moved to it - be it because it is inspiring, loving, hopeful, or horrible. My heart aches along with the heart broken, sings along with the hopeful, and routes for the underdog. Whether it be watching an autistic student who was let on the team at the last minute and scores, to an underdog who's appearance only enhanced the voice, to the lady love of a native American warrior who jumps off the cliff after he was pushed rather than stay with the chieftain who claimed her - oh yeah. I'm feeling it, and crying my eyes out.

And then there are massages... oh. sweet. heaven. A massage of any kind? Bring it on! You can bet that I'm not only basking in how I feel; I'm taking in the feel of the sheets on the table as well the scent of the room and the sweet music. I absorb it all like a sponge. When I'm lucky enough to get hubby to rub my feet, or play with my hair - I bliss out.

I enjoy how I feel when I eat home cooked food versus store bought. I like the feeling of dancing to music, letting my body move to the beat, moving by feel. Before I fall asleep, I'm focused on the soft feel of the sheets and pillow, listening to the rhythm of hubby's (and sometimes the Pook's) breathing, and just basking in that moment of being and feeling and sensing it all. I like the feel of my husband's arms around me, his tender kisses, or when he looks at me and I can feel his love.

Heaven is present in my children, whom I breathe in and hold so close to me, for I know that "this too shall pass." I like to sometimes just sit and breathe and feel - the warm sun on my face, the wind blowing, the warmth and taste of hot tea or a cold drink. I enjoy experiencing events and people based on how they feel to me because I can jump in and absorb it all.

And not only do I enjoy feeling and being sensual - I like to create a sensual environment for others. When you come to my home, I aim for my guests to feel comforted, cared for, and wanted. Come for a meal, and you can bet that I (and my helpers) enjoyed setting the table, picking out music and cloth napkins, and creating a set mood.

I like inspring people feel good about themselves, and I like to help people connect with the joy, the love, being grateful and feeling wanted or needed. It's so much more when everyone feels the joy.

So, yeah, my one thing is Sensual. Definitely.

A fresh start

Life has been interesting lately. Moments of synchronicity (too intense for me to simply chalk up to coincidence), have been happening all over the place. Opportunities for fresh starts and new starts have been presenting themselves right and left.

And I'm taking them.

The last few years have been interesting for me. Filled with wonderful learning opportunities and interesting relationships. I've had ups, downs, overs and outs, moments of intense doubts, worries, expectations - and to an extent I still do.

And in the last two days, I've felt a shift of such intensity. It's been incredible. And it's not just me. People being brought together again, daring to open up after years of closing off for the fear of being in pain. Connecting with people having similar spiritual dilemmas as myself. Rediscovering a gift in old friends. Finding a long denied solace (because it wasn't logical).

Part of me feels as though I'm rediscovering myself again. (Do I do this often? Maybe.) And yet, instead of seeking out who I want or think I should be, it's more of accepting who I am, and making choices, despite what research tells me I should be doing, based on how I feel.

Part of me is done with the shoulds, and many other things. "I'm done." That's my key phrase. And in being done, it's as though stating that out loud, admitting my weaknesses, that I am afraid and feeling emotions I fear, acknowledging those parts of me that I'm not happy with, have I opened a door?

It would seem so. And I'm going through though.

Just who are you -really?

One of my dearest friends and I had a discussion the other day, about who one really is, and why we are so different amongst other people. She sent me this website to ponder on:

http://chezfabulous.blogspot.com/2009/04/cant-stand-heat.html

Have I been sacrificing whom I truly am? Oh, yes. I have been. Do I have outmoded personas? Probably.

So many good things to ponder as of late. Hmmm...

One Thing

I just read this, and had to share.

http://goodlifezen.com/2009/01/26/what-is-the-one-thing-in-your-life/

It has me wondering what my one thing is. Right now, I'm not sure. I plan on coming back to it though.