A little bit of heaven via ice cream

OMG.

Let me repeat that - OMG!!!!

If you haven't tried this yet, you should:

http://www.haagen-dazs.com/reserve/

I'm particularly hooked on this one:

hawaiian lehua honey & sweet cream ice cream

and this one:

pomegranate & dark chocolate which apparently also comes in a bar

Sweet bliss!

Pook is 5 today

Today, my sweet angel turns 5. Five years ago at this time, I was in the hospital with my contractions having been going for about an hour. Two hours from now, I was in a tub, hubby behind me, holding our sweet babe in my arms and singing to "Sat nam" to her in a room so serene that one could hear a pin drop.

Five years later, I find myself five months along with my next babe in my growing belly. (Did I mention that 5 is also the numerology for my name and birthday? Hmmm...)

It's a surreal moment. My little baby is growing, asking questions, learning, reading, writing, getting a ton of phone calls, making her own decisions.

This amazing being is a little person now. My heart overflows with love and gratitude. A little more than four months, we shall be celebrating the birthday of another little babe.

Life is amazing.

Spring's Bounty

I have been awake since before dawn again, and it is lovely. In the darkness I usually sit and breathe, taking it all in. Hugging my sweet husband and sending him off to work with love. Then moving my body to make room for the new life within me. But this morning, I had company and it was sweet as we moved and breathed together to welcome the day.

Daffodils are blooming. The air has taken on a certain sweetness. I've had the windows open for the past few days, airing out the house, airing out my home, airing out my self.

The past few weeks have been challenging, speckled with pain filled moments, and many, many unexpected gifts and realizations. But like the tender breeze that caresses my hair bringing in the scent of sweetness and passing through, so has the pain.

Be gentle with yourself.

My friend's tender words have been my mantra as I've let myself mourn many things. At first I was terrified of the unknown that lies before me. And now, I embrace it. How sweet it is to not know where my life is going, who I am, or what gender the babe in my belly is. (Although, we've been told that they are pretty sure it is a girl.) Mind you, don't start buying the pink frilly stuff because they didn't get a clear picture like with Pook. Besides, we happen to love sage green and yellow, thank you very much. :)

It's been a journey of becoming aware of my ego, and choosing compassion for myself and others. And embracing the unknown. Oh how scary that was for a planner like me, but I know that through accepting it, it's not so scary. In fact, it's quite natural. And, it's a lot less limiting.

My home and life are slowly transitioning and transforming, and instead of clinging to bits and pieces here and there, I'm going with it, moving with the flow, and accepting things as they are (doing my best to anyway) as opposed to trying to make them into what I want or think they should be. It's definitely interesting.

Today the birthday celebrations for Pook begin. She will have two little parties (today and this weekend) with her friends, a celebration of life at Montessori next week, and we'll host visitors for the next two weekends. April is always a month of celebration it seems.

Attachments, Control, and trying to make sense of things

This morning has been challenging for me. I'm up, early, but my motivation is nil, and I find myself typing on this blog, perhaps trying to bring some sort of comfort to myself. As Tolle and Oprah would say, it's my ego. :)

And, maybe it is. But instead of denying, or running from these feelings, I'm just sort of allowing myself to feel them, instead of trying to control them. And, to be frank, they are not pleasant.

Lately, I have realized just how strongly I form attachments to things and how that is related to my desire to be in control. It seems lately, that every time I think I'm in control, the universe conspires to show me otherwise. Each time I think I've grasped some concept or belief that I think I'm sure of, good ol' universe steps in to show me otherwise. And then, there are those helpful suggestions telling me that I'm creating my reality, that on some subconscious or soul level, I've made the decision for things to go this way, and of course that all is happening as it should be.

Which, could well be the case. However, it's really not bringing me comfort, nor it is making me feel any better. Except for the "all is as it should be" part. That, I can take comfort in, although I'm not sure it I buy it completely.

To cope with feeling out of control, I seem to get this desire to get rid of everything. You know, go through and declutter the house. It's as though I want to simplify things as much as possible since the rest of my life is feeling rather chaotic. I haven't even been letting myself do that lately.

Last night, I wanted to throw it all away. I wanted to take down pictures, get rid of furniture, sell it all and live a minimalistic and monkish lifestyle. The thought of having another baby and making room for more stuff, seemed very stressful. (Remember, I am nesting right now on top of this... do you pity my sweet hubby yet?)

While working through the grief of my Grams and the mass amount of pregnancy hormones, which I feel is a large contributing factor as well as a few other things, my moods have been totally funky and I'm having trouble finding some sort of stabilization.

And really, right now, all I'd like is some stabilization, ensured life security, more than a few "good" days in a row, and to win the lotto or come into some large amount of money. ;) Perhaps, if I was creating my own reality, I could easily do this.

Right now, I'm taking things moment by moment, step by step, day by day. Some days are awesome, and I try to be fully present and enjoy them. I've also noticed a desire to hold on to these days. I don't want them to end, so I form an attachment to them. Then, when I have a day that's not so awesome, I tend to feel let down. If that makes sense.

Even though today isn't one of those awesome days, it's only 7 am. Things could change. I am realizing, that this grieving process is really taking me some places I never really wanted to go. I also realize, that maybe I need to go to these places, and become aware of these things.

How awesome would it be, to be able to enjoy the "good" and the "bad" days? How awesome would it be to just live my life without expectations or attachments?

I thought I had things all figured out. Really, I did. My life was set. I knew what I wanted to do, at least for the next few years, and that was that. And then, somewhere along the line, I realized that though I function as a mom and wife, I'm actually a person too, and I'm not sure what that means anymore.

So in some ways, I feel as though I've stepped out of the box I've planned for myself. (I've been very good at boxing myself in.) This provides me with a ton of freedom, possibilities and choices. (Yesterday, this was awesome. Today, it's rather overwhelming.) And, I'm a little scared of the not knowing, as freeing as I know it is.

The Challenge of Acceptance

Have you ever set your heart on something, only to end up with nothing or some end result that you didn't want? In some cases, it's easy to brush off. In others, especially if you are particularly attached, it can be heart breaking.

Lately, I've been thinking about many things. There are many inevitables out there. Sooner or later, we will die as will our loved ones. Flowers die. Animals die. Our bodies age (regardless of surgery to enhance appearance). There are certain things and foods that nurture our bodies, and certain things that make us ill. Some things, we can heal. Others, there are other factors involved. These things happen, so why is accepting them so hard for some?

There are people who encourage us to create our own realities, and that anything is possible. And, to some extent this is true. But does creating our own reality really mean creating what our ego wants, and is this a good thing?

The movie The Secret promotes that you can have anything you want. I used to think that this was a fabulous idea. I'd planned out just how my life was going to be. I listened to what I thought was my "intuition". I was visualizing it - and darn it - it was going to happen that way!

And then one day, things got derailed and didn't quite go as I'd hoped or expected. Suddenly, I was filled with doubt, anger, and frustration. How can this be? What about creating my own reality? What about mind over matter? What about ------????

What if I just accepted what was occurring, and dealt with it, instead of getting upset over things out of my control? What if, there was a bigger purpose that I wasn't aware of? And, does it matter if there was a purpose or not? Things happen.

Sometimes, life throws us a curve ball. It would be grand if everything could be created to fit the wants of the ego, but where would be the opportunities we hadn't thought of for ourselves? The chance to grow, the chance to accept what is happening - especially if we don't want it?

Lately, I've been considering what would happen if I started to be more accepting of things. I've been finding the conversations with Eckhart Tolle and Oprah particularly fitting into this.

Peeking out from the silence

On March 6th, my grandmother passed away. Though we knew it would come eventually, death still seems to sweep me from my feet. This time around, I found myself retreating to the inner, as opposed to reaching out. I did reach out in the beginning, but then, I felt like a shy hermit crab, and quickly retreated into my shell.

I have been treasuring those friends who understand and have respected this time, and the little messages they've sent to me to remind me that they are there for me if I need them. Each message has been taken to heart, and held close.

This week, I'm stepping out again - slowly, cautiously. It started yesterday with brief excursion to a Reiki shares. I know that I can not hide in my shell forever, and this week, the air doesn't seem as heavy and my throat does not feel as tight.

Step by step, I'll come out into the sunlight again, but for now, there is something so potent for me about closing off and shelling up. By turning inward, it has enabled me to take a good look at things I normally wouldn't. Perhaps, when I feel up to it, I'll explore that further here. But for now, I am content to just be, to just peek out here and there, to take my time and enjoy the silence.

Growth. Love. Change.

13 weeks along. 13 weeks into my second pregnancy. This means I'm "officially" into the second trimester.

My belly is growing. No longer do my jeans fit, and there is a definite pooch there. My body is shifting, changing, growing. And in my belly a little life likes to move around and make his presence known to us. He likes to "blip" against his daddy's hand, and I think he enjoys his sister's laugh.

Now, we don't know the sex yet, but as Pook has determined that Baby is going to be a brother, we've just started to refer to him for now. We'll know at the end of this month (hopefully).

Sweet Pook is changing and growing. Her favorite fuzzy pants were taken down to be saved for the next one, as they leave itchy marks on her skin. Just last week - they seemed fine. She's reading now. As I type, she sits on the couch sounding out words from the library book she selected yesterday. She knows basic math skills. She wants to do more things on her own. She picks out her clothes, and doesn't like it if they match. She prefers a vast amount of colors. She will proudly tell you that she's a big sister. She's only four for another month and a half...

I spent the first three months filled with worry, sick for two of them, crying at the drop of a hat (oh, wait, I still do that), and just generally feeling awful. As I move into the second trimester (and possibly my body is getting used to the hormones raging through it), I am coming into a sense of peace, a sense of confidence as opposed to the sense of doubt from the first trimester.

I've made peace and am accepting many things in my life: my amazing and ever-changing Pook, my growing and changing body, that this time I'm in my 30s and pregnant - and it does make a difference, the limitations of my body, that it's okay to honor my need to pull away for a while, that I don't "have to" do anything, that sometimes "the road not taken" is the road that is right for us...

Recently, I've been experimenting. I've given myself permission to do nothing and permission to not do what I feel I "have to". Ironically, I think I've been getting more done. :)

This pregnancy is turning into a journey where I'm learning a lot about myself, my family, and my friends. I'm respecting what is best for me, even when other people disagree with my decision. I've realized that I like things simple, comforting, and peaceful. My family radiates from this type of environment. My relationship with hubby blossoms in this type of environment.

For a long time I felt that I wasn't doing enough or being enough because we weren't involved in a ton of activities, or I'd choose to stay home if the weather was bad and schools were still open, or when we didn't sleep well the night before. I'd watch pregnant moms be like wonder woman and wonder what was up with me?

And then I realized - I'm not like other moms. I don't think I ever will be. :) And that's okay.