This morning has been challenging for me. I'm up, early, but my motivation is nil, and I find myself typing on this blog, perhaps trying to bring some sort of comfort to myself. As Tolle and Oprah would say, it's my ego. :)
And, maybe it is. But instead of denying, or running from these feelings, I'm just sort of allowing myself to feel them, instead of trying to control them. And, to be frank, they are not pleasant.
Lately, I have realized just how strongly I form attachments to things and how that is related to my desire to be in control. It seems lately, that every time I think I'm in control, the universe conspires to show me otherwise. Each time I think I've grasped some concept or belief that I think I'm sure of, good ol' universe steps in to show me otherwise. And then, there are those helpful suggestions telling me that I'm creating my reality, that on some subconscious or soul level, I've made the decision for things to go this way, and of course that all is happening as it should be.
Which, could well be the case. However, it's really not bringing me comfort, nor it is making me feel any better. Except for the "all is as it should be" part. That, I can take comfort in, although I'm not sure it I buy it completely.
To cope with feeling out of control, I seem to get this desire to get rid of everything. You know, go through and declutter the house. It's as though I want to simplify things as much as possible since the rest of my life is feeling rather chaotic. I haven't even been letting myself do that lately.
Last night, I wanted to throw it all away. I wanted to take down pictures, get rid of furniture, sell it all and live a minimalistic and monkish lifestyle. The thought of having another baby and making room for more stuff, seemed very stressful. (Remember, I am nesting right now on top of this... do you pity my sweet hubby yet?)
While working through the grief of my Grams and the mass amount of pregnancy hormones, which I feel is a large contributing factor as well as a few other things, my moods have been totally funky and I'm having trouble finding some sort of stabilization.
And really, right now, all I'd like is some stabilization, ensured life security, more than a few "good" days in a row, and to win the lotto or come into some large amount of money. ;) Perhaps, if I was creating my own reality, I could easily do this.
Right now, I'm taking things moment by moment, step by step, day by day. Some days are awesome, and I try to be fully present and enjoy them. I've also noticed a desire to hold on to these days. I don't want them to end, so I form an attachment to them. Then, when I have a day that's not so awesome, I tend to feel let down. If that makes sense.
Even though today isn't one of those awesome days, it's only 7 am. Things could change. I am realizing, that this grieving process is really taking me some places I never really wanted to go. I also realize, that maybe I need to go to these places, and become aware of these things.
How awesome would it be, to be able to enjoy the "good" and the "bad" days? How awesome would it be to just live my life without expectations or attachments?
I thought I had things all figured out. Really, I did. My life was set. I knew what I wanted to do, at least for the next few years, and that was that. And then, somewhere along the line, I realized that though I function as a mom and wife, I'm actually a person too, and I'm not sure what that means anymore.
So in some ways, I feel as though I've stepped out of the box I've planned for myself. (I've been very good at boxing myself in.) This provides me with a ton of freedom, possibilities and choices. (Yesterday, this was awesome. Today, it's rather overwhelming.) And, I'm a little scared of the not knowing, as freeing as I know it is.
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