This has been an interesting week. I actually bought a new computer desk. A very expensive computer desk, but as I work from home, it's a business expense. I don't really "need" this desk (okay, well, the keyboard shelf is coming looser then I'd like on the old one!) but there's something about it. Eventually, as we move the office, finish painting, and when the time comes for baby #2 (no, not yet peeps!), I'll need to be able to lock up the computer and file info. I'd been looking at armoirs, but they are quite clostra phobic. And then, I came across this.
Am I nuts to spend so much on a piece of furniture I adore? I'll let you know after it arrives.
In other news, this last week's been an emotional rollercoaster, and I've been dealing with a situation involving some really nice people, but people I'm not comfortable with. I knew it from the first time they reached out to us, I felt it in my gut - keep distance. And then, one day, ironically over an strangely similar situation in which I'd caused offense and not know it, I allowed myself to reach out and be considered friend.
Now, these are sweet people. And, I felt that they wanted more of my time. Which, they did, but I was too scared to reach out because, though nice, they are on the passive agressive side, and I felt I couldn't be myself, because if I was, I'd end up hurting them, which *sigh* I ended up doing when I came to the realization that if I'd met these people under different circumstances, I'd not pursue a friendship.
Have you ever met someone who gives so much, yet you feel they give with strings, because that is how they want to be treated? They give you SO much, that you actually feel bad, because you don't give like that? So you feel you need to live up to a certain standard (theirs) and that you need to give a certain amount, or else you'll get a joking remark with underlying sarcasm, or a snarky passive aggressive remark instead? And then, you feel that there's no trust there, because they are always second guessing and analyzing you?
Now, I don't like passive aggressive stuff. I find it very offensive. Just come out with it, put it on the table, and let's move on please. Granted though, not everyone feels this way. Thus, I just try to avoid these types of people.
Long story short, too late! I decided I needed to be honest, and tell them I wanted to be friendly, instead of friends. Which, went over oh-so-well. They are both hurt, and in their hurt lashed out. I admit, I was expecting pain, but not the lashing I got. Which, I suppose was deserved in that I prefer to spend time with people who nurture me as friends. The thing is, what is boils down to, and I can't put my finger on - is that I feel incredible uncomfortable when around them. I'm not sure of the exact reason why, but I tried my best (spent 48 hours on a email to speak from my heart, tell them that the issues were mine, and how difficult it was to write it... etc.) to let them know in the most loving manner I could.
And now, I don't think I'll be responding to them, at least for a while. I don't know of an appropriate response. I did challenge myself to wait 48 hours now before I respond to emails or people who touch one of those sore spots. Which, is a good rule I should've enstated years ago.
The thing is, that when I thought about being honest, proposing being friendly and putting that distance there - it just felt right. So though it was really hard, and though I feel badly that I hurt them, I really feel it was for the best. Especially after the email I got in response.
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