Peeking out from the silence

On March 6th, my grandmother passed away. Though we knew it would come eventually, death still seems to sweep me from my feet. This time around, I found myself retreating to the inner, as opposed to reaching out. I did reach out in the beginning, but then, I felt like a shy hermit crab, and quickly retreated into my shell.

I have been treasuring those friends who understand and have respected this time, and the little messages they've sent to me to remind me that they are there for me if I need them. Each message has been taken to heart, and held close.

This week, I'm stepping out again - slowly, cautiously. It started yesterday with brief excursion to a Reiki shares. I know that I can not hide in my shell forever, and this week, the air doesn't seem as heavy and my throat does not feel as tight.

Step by step, I'll come out into the sunlight again, but for now, there is something so potent for me about closing off and shelling up. By turning inward, it has enabled me to take a good look at things I normally wouldn't. Perhaps, when I feel up to it, I'll explore that further here. But for now, I am content to just be, to just peek out here and there, to take my time and enjoy the silence.

Growth. Love. Change.

13 weeks along. 13 weeks into my second pregnancy. This means I'm "officially" into the second trimester.

My belly is growing. No longer do my jeans fit, and there is a definite pooch there. My body is shifting, changing, growing. And in my belly a little life likes to move around and make his presence known to us. He likes to "blip" against his daddy's hand, and I think he enjoys his sister's laugh.

Now, we don't know the sex yet, but as Pook has determined that Baby is going to be a brother, we've just started to refer to him for now. We'll know at the end of this month (hopefully).

Sweet Pook is changing and growing. Her favorite fuzzy pants were taken down to be saved for the next one, as they leave itchy marks on her skin. Just last week - they seemed fine. She's reading now. As I type, she sits on the couch sounding out words from the library book she selected yesterday. She knows basic math skills. She wants to do more things on her own. She picks out her clothes, and doesn't like it if they match. She prefers a vast amount of colors. She will proudly tell you that she's a big sister. She's only four for another month and a half...

I spent the first three months filled with worry, sick for two of them, crying at the drop of a hat (oh, wait, I still do that), and just generally feeling awful. As I move into the second trimester (and possibly my body is getting used to the hormones raging through it), I am coming into a sense of peace, a sense of confidence as opposed to the sense of doubt from the first trimester.

I've made peace and am accepting many things in my life: my amazing and ever-changing Pook, my growing and changing body, that this time I'm in my 30s and pregnant - and it does make a difference, the limitations of my body, that it's okay to honor my need to pull away for a while, that I don't "have to" do anything, that sometimes "the road not taken" is the road that is right for us...

Recently, I've been experimenting. I've given myself permission to do nothing and permission to not do what I feel I "have to". Ironically, I think I've been getting more done. :)

This pregnancy is turning into a journey where I'm learning a lot about myself, my family, and my friends. I'm respecting what is best for me, even when other people disagree with my decision. I've realized that I like things simple, comforting, and peaceful. My family radiates from this type of environment. My relationship with hubby blossoms in this type of environment.

For a long time I felt that I wasn't doing enough or being enough because we weren't involved in a ton of activities, or I'd choose to stay home if the weather was bad and schools were still open, or when we didn't sleep well the night before. I'd watch pregnant moms be like wonder woman and wonder what was up with me?

And then I realized - I'm not like other moms. I don't think I ever will be. :) And that's okay.

In a heartbeat...

In a heart beat, life can change. Today, we heard the heart beat of our next child in my womb. The looks on Pook's face were so very precious. She is so excited, and SO ecstatic to have a sibling, whom, she's determined is her baby brother. We will hopefully know for sure on March 31st.

I've known that I've been pregnant since I took the test back in December. Physically, I felt the "afternoon" sickness and the exhaustion. And though my body hasn't really changed too much (my clothes are just starting to get a bit snug), it wasn't real until now. Until this morning when the midwife found my sweet angel's heart beat. It's strong. It's beautiful. And after the last week, it was just what I needed to here.

I'm pregnant again. And today, I found that moment, that pause to just breathe. The joy in my heart is overflowing. Suddenly, in a moment, I just knew that everything was wonderful. I found that knowing again, that connection I'd misplaced.

Today, in a heart beat, my life opened up, and I embraced joy.

Letting Go and Laughter

I can hear Pook's giggles dancing to my ears from the bathroom where she plays with Daddy. For the last two days, I've had to sequester myself from her and dear hubby, to keep from getting the flu as I can't take the Tamiflu they are taking.

They've been camping out in the guest room, where Daddy can administer medicine in the middle of the night. On Friday, her fever of 105 nearly put me over the edge. But today, I've gotten sleep.

In the last 48 hours, I've had to let go of a lot of things. The hardest has been taking care of my little one. But today, today she LAUGHS, she smiles, she plays! She no longer lays around looking like a discarded rag doll. Her eyes are still blood shot from the raise in temp, but they smile again.

5 things that have brought me happiness and joy today:
1 - Seeing Pook vibrant and hearing Pook laugh.
2 - Watching Hubby be such a great dad, and take care of his little one.
3 - Pook telling me how much she loves us, and how the hearts she drew represented us.
4 - Getting a call from L to see if she could pick up anything for us.
5 - Having friends call to check in on us and see how we are doing.

Can some one please give me some good news?

In the last two days, I've found out that my FIL has prostate cancer; my friend's MIL has breast cancer; another friend's mother had surgery on a brain tumor (which actually went really well) ; while another friend dealt with her father in the hospital, went to the house for papers and found her grandmother dead, then had to plan her grandmother's funeral as her mother (it was her mother who died) was dealing with her dad in the hospital; Pook has a 105 degree fever and the flu; and my grandmother is in hospice.

So please, please, someone tell me something really lovely.

Happy Year of the Rat

It's Chinese New Year today, the year of the Rat. We celebrated today by indulging in Chinese carry out and sharing with a dear friend. We were thinking of celebrating a little more elaborately, but frankly, between being so sick and the latest news, it seemed more appropriate to let it pass quietly. So, we did.

In fact, this is looking to be a very quiet year considering.

Cancer

It used to just be my astrological sign; the symbol of a shy crab who pulls into a shell when needed. But lately, it's an all too common word. You see, both my grandfathers had it. My father had the beginnings of prostate cancer. They caught it too late in my grandfather. Both my uncles have had treatment for it as well.

And then, there are the multiple friends who've lost a parent (or two) to cancer.

Last night, we found out that the biopsies of my FIL's prostate came back positive. He has met with his doctors, and it looks as though the course of treatment will be 25 sessions of radiation ended with the seed implantations.

This morning, I find out my dear friend's MIL has breast cancer.

I find myself in this void of sorts, one I'm not sure how to explain. But, there it is.