Monday in May

Peaceful morning, my sweet sleepy head is still in bed. Expectations surpassed. Who knew there'd be so much tender bliss?

Who am I?

Who am I? How do I define myself? Who do I want (or think I want) to be?

(Ah, if you've no desire to know more about me on this level, just skip this post.) :)

When's the last time you may have addressed questions like this, if ever?

I used to think I knew exactly who I was (or, rather, who I thought I should be). I thought I was an outdoor person. I though I was a gardener and that I would one day (when I had the opportunity, space, and a fence) I would have a fabulous organic vegetable garden filled with good things to eat. I thought I was super woman - the stay-at-home, work-at-home, home schooling mother and wife who could constantly bake from scratch, keep a garden, sew my own clothes, recycle, compost, save the world, stand up for the underdog, have dinner on the table for the hubby, keep a spotless home, live a minimalistic and simple life, and even fly on occasion. ;) I thought I could do a million activities during the week, host house guests, and prepare to travel - at the same time. I could renovate the house instantly. I would homeschool using 3 or 4 curiculums at once, and make sure Pook took swim lessons, Kindermusik, playdates, traveling to museums and that we'd join the home school co-op too. I was the good wife, good mom, good freind, good SIL, good DIL, good daughter (granddaughter, neice, etc.) - when what I really needed was just some time to recharge.

And, as I strived to live this life, I didn't stop to realize that it was what I wanted to do, not what I was actually doing.

Because, you see, I'm not Super Woman. Wonder Woman - yes - but not Super Woman. ;)

So, over the last few months while I've been feeling disconnected in many ways particualarly from life and in a spiritual sense, it never occured to me that I was living my life in the shoulds. (I got stuck in that box with blinders again you see.)

And then, my friend (who's been going through this too), starts asking me questions, trying to understand who I really am, because she could see what was going on, where I couldn't.

And then it hit me - just how long have I been defining who I am based on how I would like others to see me? And why? Well, the why part was simple. If I was unhappy with who I was, wouldn't others be too?

I was taught from a very young age to pick a person who's attributes I admired - then merge them into my life. I never stopped to think about what I was capable of, or what I really liked, because I was also taught I could do or be anything I wanted to be! I just jumped in, went with the flow or with what attracted me at the time. Oh - look at her, strong and independent - that's me! Oh, wow, Martha Stewart - that could be me! Oh - type A personality - that's me!

But what did I really want? I don't think I knew. I just spent most of my life, jumping from thing to thing, leaving people upset because I'd say I'd do one thing, but didn't realize I didn't want to, and the results were, well, less than satisfactory.

And then, my dear friend dares to ask me these awesome questions. And I dared to answer them.

I am many, many things. First and foremost, I am a mom and wife. I started to look at my life; to really, truly look at it and see what I was doing. Because, it would make sense, that if I really, truly wanted that garden, I'd find a way round not having a fence, wouldn't I?

I spend the core of most of my days working at home, home schooling (my own way not via a curriculum as of yet), home making (laundry, cleaning, etc.), writing/blogging/journaling when I have the chance, reading (usually to Pook), and scrounging for breakfast and lunch. Thank God I've a hubby who likes to cook, and cooks most of the dinners. (Love you, honey!)

I noticed that I spend my spare time watching movies with hubby, reading when I get the chance (and not just other blogs), studying home schooling information, listening to birds, sitting outside on the swing admiring my bistro table set, getting to spend time with friends when the opportunity arises, play dates, Kindermusik (once a week in fall and spring, full week in the summer), crocheting (usually while watching a movie or sitting in the KM chatting with moms), sewing (when I get a full day to spread out the fabric over the table, pull out the sewing machine and goodies, and just go at it!), drawing, painting, creating (be it art or cloth or baked goods), decluttering, and dreaming about what I'd like to do with my house (doing it if involves rearranging furniture, getting rid of clutter, and if, most importantly, I can coherce, er, ask hubby to help).

Gardening? Nope, not a priority. Outdoors much? Nope, not really. but the time I am outdoors is totally relaxing. Homemade baked goodies? Only on occasion and when I'm in the mood. Organic-recycling-against consumerism advocate of the world? Nope, though I do my best to buy organic when possible. Living minimalistially? Do not make me laugh. I love books too much. Homeschooling via a classical education? Parts of it, perhaps, but if we expand the family, well, just need to be creative.

Once I got past the fear of everyone ditching me because I wasn't really an outdoor, save-the-planet, type A, people pleasing, organic, activity-crazed, super woman, I realized - hey, I don't need to be these things. And, what a wonderful opportunity for my friends to love me, just as I am. :) Which, is not really any of those afformentioned things. Although, I do love the earth, I'm just not as enthused as I thought I was about dropping the other things in my life to run out and save it.

Yup, I got realistic on myself. Perhaps, when the kiddies are older, I just might join the compact movement. Realistically, if I really, truly wanted it, I'd already be doing it. I totally admire those who live that lifestyle, especially with children, but it's not me. Now, if the recycling truck came to my house everyweek - yes, I'd do it. I take stuff to the good will (right down the street) to get it out of my house because, we all know by now I love to declutter.

If I had a composter, or a compost pile - you bet I'd use it. But, I don't. And yes, I know that if I really, really wanted one, I'd make it happen. Guess I don't want it as badly as I thought.

If shopping at the Good Will and other consignment shops didn't take so much time, and guaranteed that I could go there and immediately find just what I'm looking for - I'd probably shop there more often.

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm feeling great right now. So, I'm not Super Woman. I am Wonder Woman - a wonderful woman. Who has discovered, that for right now in my life, I'm happy where I am. One day, I hope to try a garden, but right now, I know that it's really not that feasible for me. And, I'm okay with that. :)

And yes, we are worth it

Hubby just passed on this fascinating article: The price of a mom: $138,095

Just thought I'd pass it on.

I have an awesome friend

Actually, I have several awesome friends. But this one in particular (and you so know who you are), has asked me some really deep questions that really got me thinking about my life, who I am, and what I want.

And you know what? I started to journal about these questions, and come up with answers. And, surprisingly enough, I have realized, that, I'm actually pretty darn happy where I am.

Here are a few thoughts I've had:

* I like a simple life. (i.e. I enjoy things that can be accomplished in a timely/no-too-long manner that don't require a ton of work to get to the end result, unless I'm really in the mood to do otherwise.)
* I like the 15 minute rule. (i.e. You can do anything for 15 minutes - exercise, dancing, sitting outside, meditation, decluttering, writing, etc.)
* I do not want to be a master gardener. However, I would like some chamomile and perhaps I can try radishes or other small veggies in the window boxes out back taking into consideration the tight budget we are on. Also note - if this doesn't happen, I'm not going to worry about it. Besides, I'll just hit up my friends that garden veggies and the local farmer's market (maybe) instead. ;)
* I am not an outdoor person in the sense that I could spend every waking moment outdoors. However, I enjoy spending time outside when the weather is fair (or it's snowing and I can sled or I can dance in the rain - which I do on occasion but not often). I like eating outside too. But, when I really thought about it, I can do without camping or being outside 24/7. That, however, doesn't mean at some point I would do it.
* I will be creating my own curiculum/program for homeschooling. Though I love some aspects of the Well Trained Mind (WTM), I've got to be realistic. As I'm also working from home, and we plan to eventually add to the family. So, I need to do something that works best for me. And, as we seem to enjoy worksheets and computer programs here, I'm thinking we'll do just fine.
* I love to write.
* I really enjoy crochetting. (My way, mind you.)
* I really enjoy sewing. (Also my way, and figuring things out as I go. Without a pattern.)
* I enjoy painting.
* I enjoy good movies. Especially British ones and the new Mrs. Marple series. (Oh, c'mon, you should all know by now I'm a big Agatha Christie fan.)
* I really enjoy books. Good books. Especially Agatha Christie books.
* I enjoy decluttering, cleaning, laundry - you know homemaking stuff. And yes, I consider myself to be a homemaker.
* I enjoy baking and cooking from scratch - but I gotta be in the mood.
* I like doing things my way, on my times schedule. Especially creative projects. :)
* I love spending time with my other awesome friends - good conversation and fellowship equals loveliness.
* I can call myself an artist, as I'm continually doing artsy projects.
* I love being a mom.
* I have had some extrememly high expectations of myself. At closer look though, I'm really happy with the way my life is going.

So - a shout out to you dear friend! I've journaled the details, so eventually (hopefully) we'll get around to discuss the answers to your questions at some point. Love ya! Thanks for really getting me to think.

The Importance of Being Quiet

As I've mentioned, I've been rather overwhelmed, entirely due to my own perspective and way of thinking. I do this on occasion (don't we all?). But today, or maybe it was yesterday, somewhere through it all, I realized the importance of being quiet.

When I'm quiet, I remember things. When I'm quiet, my mind stills, and what is really, truly important in my life, rises to the surface. That half-empty cup becomes half-full. What I want isn't always what I need. And life's beauty and peace shines through.

Recentering after spinning off center.

I've another confession to make - I've been decluttering again. And not, due to Phil's comment either. ;)

Just so you know, this post is really more for me, then you. But, I'm putting it here to remind me about the haves versus the wants, and how the wants can really clutter up the mind.

When I'm feeling overwhlemed and disconnected, one surefire way to bring me back, is to figure out what I can get rid of. Usually, I get to a point where every little thing is getting to me. And, when I release the physical clutter, I find the mental clutter is soon to follow. I'm weird that way, but it works. And, the bonus is, my house gets more spacious as we go. :)

The last few weeks I've been feeling overwhelmed due to several things (it's list time!):
* The huge chunk of change due to the IRS since I techincally have my own business.
* Watching the savings account dwindle as we get our cars nice and repaired.
* The basement freezer being wierd and fritzy; wishing I had gotten an upright one instead of a freezer chest.
* The fact that one needs money, a fair chunk of it, to build a fence and stairs from the back deck.
* Though I techinically don't need a fence to plant a garden, it would keep the local cats from using any garden I plant as a litter box.
* The privacy of a fence, that I don't have, would be really super nice.
* Fresh, home grown veggies, would be awesome.
* We've a huge tub of primer in the basement. For painting. Which, may never be done, as I've not decided on color yet. and then there's the whole point of me not being able to sleep in a house due to the my glands swelling up thanks to paint fumes.
* Budget, what budget?
* Chocolate has become a staple, as well as other foods that taste great, but aren't in agreement with my body.
* Some of my friends are so together (in my eyes) - why am I not?
* I have been incerdibly hard on myself lately.

And then, this morning, I stopped. I stopped, because I realized:
* I may not have a fence, but I've a swing on the back porch AND a bistro table. Perfect for snuggling, reading, and meals.
* I can walk to my Post Office.
* I can walk to a small, nearby park.
* I can drive to several parks in the area.
* I work from home. I have a business, that lets me choose my hours. Yay for flexibility! Yay for an added income that will let us save up for the fence.
* I can spend mornings snuggled up reading with Pook.
* I can spend afternoons playing with Pook.
* Some of my friends have had gardens for years. I don't, but sometimes my friends will share their harvest. And, I'm SO grateful!
* I am blessed to have a car and access to organic foods and a farmer's market (that I've yet to go to).
* I love my house. And, knowing that one day the walls will be painted, means that I get to experiment with where to hang pictures, without worrying about too many holes in the wall. :) Whoo hoo! Rearranging!
* Our cars are getting repaired. Which means, I don't have to worry about them breaking down.
* Kids are resilient. I can only do my best as a parent.
* If I customize my homeschooling program, I can still be creative and stick to what I feel is the core program.
* I am different, which is a good thing. ;) Comparing myself to others, being hard on myself is really quite silly. I know I'm quite different then most people anyway. My ways are just that - my ways. Some might consider them wierd, unusual, and unorthodox, but, when it comes down to it, they work and I feel good about them. Besides, if everybody was like everyone else, what a boring world it would be!

So, uh, thanks for reading about how I clear my own head clutter. So easily I've tended to get caught up in the wants, forgetting about the haves. Sometimes, I miss out that I already have so much, and my wants aren't actually my needs. :) Ah... the ego.

Happy May Day!

Today it's May, and there is all kinds of wonderful lore out there. Apparently last night, the fairy queen searched through gardens to decide which on she and her fellow fairies would reside in.

In honor of today, I offer to you a bouquet of fresh picked lillies of the valley dear friends, which signifies happiness.

May your day (this one, and each one after) be filled with happiness, and blessed with joy!