Belated Reflections on June 17

June 17th is the birth day of a dear friend of mine. April 17th was the day of his death. I've see-sawed between the depths of sadness, and moments of joy. I've thought I was okay, only to burst into tears. I've spiraled down to the depths of a depression, and made my way back up to the surface.

At times I've treaded life's water until I was exhausted. I've had to make some pretty challenging decisions over the last half of the year, and there are still a few to make. And on June 17th, while mourning the absence of my friend, I discovered a rare and precious gift.

It was a day with the girls, and we spent most of it at the outlets. I knew it was going to be an interesting day when the reminder that it was R's birthday popped up on my screen, and I burst into tears.

It wasn't the first time I would shed a few. Cardinals (a bird my daughter told me would let us know that R was okay) were every where in the stores. I was late meeting up with the girls for lunch, as the sadness overwhelmed me. My appetite was not there, but I ate something to keep my blood sugar up, and we pressed on.

At dinner, I could feel it again. I was emotionally warn, and didn't want to burden the three lovely friends that were with me. When my dinner arrived, and it just wasn't very good, I closed my eyes and hoped they'd think I was just tired. But they new better.

When I returned from a bathroom break, they told me to sit down, and then, they did something amazing. They asked me what I needed. And when I told them I didn't know, they said that was okay, that they were there for me.

Eventually I confessed that I really wanted to be on the beach at night, standing in front of the waves, and honor my friend in some way. And so, we drove down the road a bit, hopped out of the car in the freezing cold, and trekked onto the sandy beach. We gathered together, sang songs, laughed, and huddled to stay warm.

And then, they asked me, what would I say to someone who was hurting as I was? What would I say to another? And I broke down. Because I have always been there for others, yet never really been there for me. And here, were 3 of my dearest friends encouraging me to nurture myself in ways that I've nurtured them. And all I could do was cry.

So there we stood, upon the shore, as I cried and they held me. And my one friend asked R to reach through her to me. (R practiced reiki.) And I know exactly the moment, because I felt the energy, and I felt my body relax as she held my hands. And it was one of the most powerful moments I've ever experienced.

Before we left, we stood watching the waves. I'd been enthralled by the waves since my arrival, and my friend C reminded me of this, and then asked me to think of what the word wave meant. And that maybe, just maybe, this was R's way of waving to me. I'd seen the cardinals. I'd shed the tears, and now, when I look at the waves, I can't help but wonder if he was waving to me.

I also wondered if R ever liked the beach. It would be a few days later when I discovered he used to work at a beach, selling umbrellas. Goosebumps, I tell you.

One thing is certain, I'll not look at them in the same way. And when I see waves, I now want to wave back. They say that salt water heals all things - via sweat, tears, and the sea. You know, I think there's something to that.

Happy Solstice!

Today is the longest day of the year. For some, it's the first day of summer, and for others it's mid summer (or reversed depending on where you live). For me, it's a new day, giving me the opportunity to reflect.

When you have light, those things that were hiding in the shadows are now able to be seen - if you choose to. Light presents awareness of those things you couldn't see in the dark. And, offers the opportunity to take a better look at things.

How many of you will take a good look, and allow yourself to be aware of what the light reveals? How many of you will remain unaware? What choice will you make?

Summer on its Way

Yesterday, we picked daisies growing in the grass outback. We opened the windows and let the outside in. The fresh air cleared the staleness from the house.

I love the change in light throughout the year. Especially when in winter I want to hole up and embrace the darkness and curl up in soft blankets. In summer, I love the longer days of light. And how I wake earlier with the light. The yearly rhythm brings me joy.

Today, my youngest made her way out to me, where I sat clearing out my computer. I held her in my arms, planting kisses upon her sleepy head.

There are some changes in the air... some changes that I need to make and that will be better for our family. I can "see" them, through the fog... and part of me admits to being a bit scared to make them. It's time to make them though.

Definition of a true friend

In conversation today with a friend I was blessed enough to visit with, we discussed how a friend was really someone who feeds our soul.

I've recently lost one of those people in my life, and he didn't just feed my soul, but many others. He was one of the kindest and most generous people I know. He was regular to this blog. He is very missed.

At his memorial, my little one felt the need to speak and let people know her heart. This sweet little one, stood before a large group of strangers and friend to tell them, "I need to say something." She took a breath and clearly spoke, " Roger... he was my friend."

He was mine too, and the friend of so many others.

And as we sat and chatted about friendship, I realized, that for her and I, friends are the ones who feed your soul. I agree, and for me, mine make my heart sing as well. They are the people I feel safe with. The ones who are there for you fully and wholly, accepting you and loving you as you are. They've "got your back" and you have theirs.

I think that for each person, the definition of friendship is different. But the people who are your friends, probably have very similar definitions.

You can be friendly with many people. But you really only are friends with a select few.

Isn't it just the most glorious day?

These were the words my eldest greeted me with this morning. Every day, she announces that it's the most wonderful, or the best day. Today, she announced, was a glorious day.

And do you know what? At the end of the day, she says the same thing.

Now, we do have moments when she claims "this is not a good moment". And, I think we had a "this is the worst day ever!" once or twice, but by bed time? It had been a wonderful day.

This child is such a complete gift in my life. She enriches it in so many ways, and she is such a great teacher.

Just think about it - what if each day really could be glorious, or the best day ever?

This spoke to me today...

"Don't ask what the world needs; don't ask what others think you should be doing with your life. Instead, ask yourself what makes you come alive--because, more than anything else, what the world truly needs are men and women who have come alive."

- Dr. Wayne Dyer

Today I remember...

A friend who was a part of our family, and so very dear and precious to us.

Today, I grieve because he is no longer with me physically.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ3wpjdYMqk

R - I miss you. I am so grateful for your presence in our lives, and to have been blessed by your friendship. You have been such a huge part of my children's lives, and my own.