What do I really enjoy, versus what I think I enjoy (but don't really)?

Confession, of sorts. I have just discovered, that I don't think I'm a gardening person. *GASP!!!!* I know, the horror. You see, I'm currently feeling rather guilty about it.

My great-grandmother not only kept a garden in the city (Baltimore, MD), in a row home, to help feed her family of 13 kids, she could sew clothes from old flour sacks, darn socks, and then some. She had to. And part of me is envious of her renaissance ways, and my friends who can do these things and more.

Both of my grandmother kept gardens of flowers and vegetables. I mainly remember my maternal grandmother doing this. My mother has several gardens. Even my brother gardens (though for him it's the floral, not vegetable. So, the other day, while helping my daughter plant seeds, and realizing that the gardens might not even be in the right spots to get proper sunlight, and that the ants had set up home in ALL the big containers, I was feeling just a little upset, to say the least.

So, when my DD went into the house, leaving me to clean up the mess, I sat there on the hill, close to tears. Why didn't I read more? Why didn't I plan better? Why is my yard so darn small? And other questions danced through my head.

Don't I like gardening? I mean, I should. Dad is a landscape developer, as is brother. Mom has always gardened. I enjoy digging in the dirt, don't I? Do I?

It was then it hit me. My front yard, is a mass of weeds amidst the shrubs (that my father and brother helped design and plant). I don't weed on a regular basis, and I haven't, even before kids. I LOVE flowers, and when my mom came to help plant them... I sort of let her do it... because I wanted to end up in tears trying to figure out what went where.

And now - it's an overgrowth. I know that it needs to be cleared out, and with the fence up, there is more shade to more areas. It's a bit of a sad state I'm afraid.

So what is the problem? Maybe, I *thought* I liked gardening because my family did it, and I was *supposed* to like it. Hmmm... looking at my life there are several of these areas that I've been neglecting - not out of laziness, but because I simply don't enjoy them, and haven't realized it.

How many times have I done this to myself before? How many times have I done something, not because I wanted to, but because I thought I "had" to? I had to enjoy gardening, camping, survival skills - because what if the world ended? How would I survive? What would be come of me if I didn't learn certain skills sets?

Or, maybe I did something because I thought another person wouldn't like me, or would think I'm a horrible person, if I didn't recycle, use cloth diapers, eat only organic, follow a set schedule?

So I'm on a journey of self-discovery. What do I really, truly ENJOY? What am I truly willing to expend my energy on?

Sure, I love the idea of living on a self-sustaining farm, growing my own veggies, having chickens, recycling everything, using cloth diapers, eating fresh vegetables from my garden. And I could live that life - if I took certain steps, and made life changes.

And yes, I'm thrilled when I think of getting rid of all the clutter and living in a streamlined home, with prettily painted walls... obviously, I'd have to make changes.

I'm starting to recognize the give and take. What do I really want - the big picture? And then, am I really willing to go the distance to get there? And finally, if I don't compare myself to others, or look to others for their input - who would I be?

Just a few things to ponder...

Journey to the Sea

They say the journey begins with a single step, and ours did indeed, though the key part was the crossing of a bridge. The weather was foggy, so you could only see so far. It reminded me of how we needed to stay in the present moment, and focus on what was in front of us, as opposed to where we were going or what was ahead.

I think I smiled the entire vacation. My heart was full. I was with my family. I was visiting family and meeting friends of old and new. My heart was full, bursting with joy and gratitude. I found myself enjoying everything - the car ride, the kids, the people, the views, the food - it was heaven. I made the most of each moment, treasuring with all of my senses.

Gifts can be wrapped up in packages and tied up in string, or they can be wrapped in what you least expect. Everywhere I turn I discovered something sweet (and not just the chocolate!). We spent time with some amazing people. Even hubby enjoyed himself (and that is a rare thing when it involves new people).

When visiting my mom, she sent the kids on a radish hunt. She'd picked two, then had them search for the leaves in the garden where they got to pick more. She took the time to set up a feast in her part of the house, and fed us throughout the day, until my brother came in, and fed us more.

I found that I was not only fed on the physical level. My spirit, my very soul felt nurtured and loved throughout the week. We were able to see a few friends (sorry if we didn't get to see more of you - we only had so much time!), and even though some plans fell through (thanks to work and flash floods), everything still fell into place.

I found that when I just enjoyed what happened, when I made the most of events, people, things, and feelings, there seemed to be some type of pattern or plan in place. So, we embraced it and went with it.

Eventually we made our way to the beach. The beach has always been healing for me. There is something about the waves, the ocean itself, and the sand. I always need to say hello, and to listen. I like to stand at the edge, and let the waves kiss my toes and embrace my feet. Joy filled me, traveled through me. I wanted to dance, even go into the waves and let the water baptize me with joy and contentment. You can almost let things go with the tide, to be taken away into the oceans depths, and not have to worry about them.

We wondered how Pook would react to the water and sand this time. She loved it. It was a joy to watch her play in the sand and the waves. She made a new friend, and we made new friends. There was an overflow of gratitude on so many levels. There was full, total, and complete relaxation. And laughter, oh the laughter!


We found that time was relative. We stayed up until the wee morning hours indulging in chit-chat, chocolates and pomegranate margaritas. There were rum and cokes, 10 layer cakes, mini do-nuts ;), and other delights to tease the tast buds.

The environment was laid back and loving. The people were kind, generous, interested, interesting, and overall wonderful. There is something about being able to be with people who just take you as you are. People with whom you can let down your guard and just be yourself without worry. People whom you can laugh with, and share precious moments with.


We made some incredible memories. We had an awesome time. My heart is filled with gratitude for the people, the moments, the fun, the laughter - ALL of it.

Thank you. I am basking in blessings.

Happy June!

Here's to a new month beginning... and summer on its way. I've so many thoughts, and more to say, and right now, lots to do to get centered again after the vacation. It's all good, and I'm hoping to return here with a really awesome post about a few insights I have.

Until then...

Moments 15 and then some...

It's been an amazing week...

Time spent with Mom. Watching her enjoy all of her grandchildren together. Snuggling baby, teaching Pook about her garden, going on a radish hunt. Her smile, her radiance, her exhaustion at the end of a 13 hour day.

Seeing my aunts and uncles. Introducing them to baby, trying to catch up on one another lives. Basking in the love, the vision, their presence. Bliss.

Watching my father enjoy his family. Feeling his hugs, watching his amazement as he takes in his grandchildren who frolic and play with one another, while the baby watches. Praying for his health.

Disappointment over not being able to meet with everyone. Followed by the excitement of possibilities of future adventures to make this happen.

Reconnecting with friends - old and new. Watching our children play together and laugh.

Being welcomed into open arms at the beach house. Feeling the tears well up with joy at
being embraced by old friends.

Boardwalk fries, pizza, watching Pook's new aunties take her on the ferris wheel and take her in as their own. Feeling the sand between my toes, and tearing up at the sound of the waves coming in to shore to kiss my toes.

Watching Pook and her newest friend encourage one another from playing together, crafting together, swimming together, and enjoying the ocean waves together. My heart hurting as she tells us how she misses him, and how she wants to go back to the beach some day.

Hugging people multiple times to keep the love and store up for the future, when I'm so far away.

And finally, basking in my heart overflowing with joy, gratitude and love, cherishing the memories and looking forward to future adventures.

May - The month of healing, compassion, gratitude, and moments

I sit here, my vacation almost over, my heart overflowing with love and gratitude. It has been an incredible adventure, with plans gone awry, amazing people, nights lasting until 5 am, pomegranate margaritas and wine, and dear, dear friends.

I began the month with an event that resulted in a much needed healing. A door opened, a light went on, and I was able to let go of years of pain, frustration, and heartache. It was replaced with compassion, joy, and love.

Throughout the month, I've been able to reflect, embrace and bask in joy. Sunny days with my little loves, more events that led to enlightening (or the light shinning brighter). Taking time to stop and breathe, and discovering hidden gifts everywhere. I've learned that I enjoy cooking, exploring new foods and tastes, and allowing myself to let go and just sense and feel things.

I've ended this month by basking in the hugs and company of family and friends, and experiencing more healing. Though I wasn't able to meet up with everyone we wanted to, we were able to meet up with quite a few amazing people.

I basked in the sun's light. I dared to let things go. I was careful where I needed to be, and embraced adventure. I reconnected with friends of old and new.

I feel as though I've gotten closure on many things. I've released many, many things. I've embraced many things. All in all, May has been an incredible month. I wonder what June shall bring...

The Healing

Recently, something happened. Years of pent up anger, jealousy, frustration, miscommunication, obsession, and torment were resolved in the period of less than two days by simply listening and embracing compassion. Like water spiraling and emptying out through a drain into the sea, the negativity dissipated as something "clicked" and I was able to let go.

Now, my heart is filled with peace. I am filled with peace and love. And the beauty, whereas I once felt I "had to" reach out, take action, get involved and help fix, is that I have found the path that is best for me. It is one of love and compassion with detachment. I don't have to be connected to love. I don't have to reach out to fix what doesn't want (or may not need) to be fixed.

It's okay.

Through acceptance, I was not only able to accept another; I was able to accept myself. The person I was, the things that I do now, the things I don't do, and my perceptions of me, are okay. I was able to see that I am a compassionate, and loving being, a part of me has always been.

And for this, I am so grateful.

My One Thing

So, I've been thinking about this, a lot since my first post on it. What is my one thing? I started thinking about what my likes are, what I'm drawn to, etc. And, well, I'm coming out with an awareness about myself I believe I've been denying. Which, ties into this post interestingly enough, involving who I am.

Over the last few years, I've become a bit more logical, a bit more grounded in reality. It's been good, and fascinating, and has changed me. I've never really been grounded in reality to the extent I have been these last few years. I wouldn't consider myself to be a logical person, actually a part of me rebels against logic and rationalism. Though I've wanted to be these things, because they makes sense and can be proven, and easily defended most times. And yet, all I can say, is that many times it doesn't "feel" right.

If you met me many years ago, I'd have told you that "everything happens for a reason", just "let go and let god", karma is real, and that "everything is working out for the greater good", oh, and that yes, you definitely create your own reality via your thoughts. I'd also tell you, "I go by how it feels." I'm still on the wall with a few of these things, and I now totally understand why I got such crazy looks when I spouted these words off to others who didn't believe them. They were my truth, my center, my light and my comfort. And then, one day, someone in my life pointed out some things, and suddenly, I wasn't so sure anymore. I wasn't so sure about god either.

I'm digressing; I know.

I used to make most of my decisions based on how I felt. And, when I didn't, I ended up feeling bad. Feelings - as in sensations and emotions, have always been a large part of my life and my enjoyment of life. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how intertwined feelings are in my life. So, what is my one thing? Feeling, no, maybe a better word would be Sensual (as in basking in the senses).

I enjoy the various textures of materials. Give me soft sheets and fabric to wrap up in. My house is strewn with pillows and blankets. With the exception of the kitchen, I think I've pillows in every room actually...

I enjoy how I feel when I touch a fabric, or when I find a certain color or pattern that can only be described as yummy. Oh, how I love the calmness I feel when I see a color like khaki/sage green! Or the vivid color and scent of lavender! Pictures can stir within various sensations for me. I love how I feel when I complete a sewing project, or while I'm stitching.

I don't just look at certain things - I feel them. My grandmother's chairs feel soft and velvety, and enable me to feel her and think about her - even though she's not with me. Her crocheted blanket is the same way, and now I've her old outdoor table and chairs that are hard and firm metal, and stir emotions in me.

Oh, and food? I love chai lattes (both taste and texture) with peanut butter on toasted Ezekiel bread for breakfast. Or vanilla yogurt with fresh berries? Yum. Give me a pomegranate, and I am in heaven with the taste and texture. I love digging out the ruby red seeds (oh what color!) and feeling the crunchy squish followed by the sweet tartness - Oh how all of my senses just dance!

I love the taste of my friend Linda's homemade bread. She serves it with salad and cheese (usually), and it is heaven. It doesn't feel or taste the same if I'm not at the farm, and with her. I think it's because when I'm there, I'm not just enraptured with the taste and textures and scenery, but her love. And, I adore the feeling of love and feeling loved.

I read books, especially ones that leave me feeling good, peaceful, inspired, or blissful. And I like to read, because I like how it feels to hold a book and look at the words and just sit with it. I love reading outside, where I can feel the breeze and hear the wind chimes, and feel the sun.

When I watch a movie or video, if it moves me, it is because I feel it. I will cry if I am moved to it - be it because it is inspiring, loving, hopeful, or horrible. My heart aches along with the heart broken, sings along with the hopeful, and routes for the underdog. Whether it be watching an autistic student who was let on the team at the last minute and scores, to an underdog who's appearance only enhanced the voice, to the lady love of a native American warrior who jumps off the cliff after he was pushed rather than stay with the chieftain who claimed her - oh yeah. I'm feeling it, and crying my eyes out.

And then there are massages... oh. sweet. heaven. A massage of any kind? Bring it on! You can bet that I'm not only basking in how I feel; I'm taking in the feel of the sheets on the table as well the scent of the room and the sweet music. I absorb it all like a sponge. When I'm lucky enough to get hubby to rub my feet, or play with my hair - I bliss out.

I enjoy how I feel when I eat home cooked food versus store bought. I like the feeling of dancing to music, letting my body move to the beat, moving by feel. Before I fall asleep, I'm focused on the soft feel of the sheets and pillow, listening to the rhythm of hubby's (and sometimes the Pook's) breathing, and just basking in that moment of being and feeling and sensing it all. I like the feel of my husband's arms around me, his tender kisses, or when he looks at me and I can feel his love.

Heaven is present in my children, whom I breathe in and hold so close to me, for I know that "this too shall pass." I like to sometimes just sit and breathe and feel - the warm sun on my face, the wind blowing, the warmth and taste of hot tea or a cold drink. I enjoy experiencing events and people based on how they feel to me because I can jump in and absorb it all.

And not only do I enjoy feeling and being sensual - I like to create a sensual environment for others. When you come to my home, I aim for my guests to feel comforted, cared for, and wanted. Come for a meal, and you can bet that I (and my helpers) enjoyed setting the table, picking out music and cloth napkins, and creating a set mood.

I like inspring people feel good about themselves, and I like to help people connect with the joy, the love, being grateful and feeling wanted or needed. It's so much more when everyone feels the joy.

So, yeah, my one thing is Sensual. Definitely.