Snow day, being true to myself, and living a simple life

I wish I was enjoying this snowy day more than I am, and perhaps, I will by the end of this post, where, my intent is to just get my thoughts out there and get some clarity I suppose.

In case you didn't figure it out - it's snowing here today. It looks like it's now stopped, but for a while, it was really coming down.

You see, I don't like driving in the snow. I prefer to sit at home and enjoy it, and not go out in it unless I absolutely have to. So, after getting everything ready to go today, and, practically in the car, I chickened out, called off taking Pook into Montessori, and came back into the house.

Where, I called hubby for the umteenth time (as I'd been indecisive all morning), to tell him that, uh, we are now not going in. For real this time. And then, I called the friend who's children and in the class, and who is kind enough to let me work at her home until Montessori is out, to tell her.

And, this is where things left me feeling, well, inadequate. Instead of just telling her that I didn't want to drive in the snow, it came across to her that Pook didn't want to go, so I didn't go. (As I was on the phone with her, Pook was whining about getting her gloves off, and saying how she was glad to stay home. I was trying to help her while talking... and, well, if you're a parent, you know how that can go.) Now, there have been times that Pook doesn't want to go, but we've gone anyway. When I don't want to go, and she doesn't want to go, well, that's when we usually (but not always) stay home.

And then, the conversation came up about Saturday, where we've planned a small party for FIL, that we've let Pook help plan. And, instead of just telling her that the ILs didn't want to go, somehow, because she knew Pook was planning it, it turned into her telling me that our problem is that we let Pook decide too much.

*Sigh*

Miscommunications occured on both sides. Mind you, it was a 5 minute conversation, because she had to get her kiddos off to school, and clean off the car. And, part of me is really wondering if it's worth clarifying things, because she's busy planning for Hannukah this week, and their big party on Saturday, that we won't be going to, and which she really wants us to attend. She's also really, really stressed out.

And, I felt bad and didn't want to hurt her feelings, nor did I know if she'd be open to the fact that my ILs do not like going to parties with people they don't know. Now, I'm frustrated that I didn't just spit it out and tell it like it was. However, I've noticed, that when I've only got a 5 mintue time span to chat, and I'm caught offguard on a topic I wasn't expecting to chat about (like Saturday when I was just calling to say we weren't going in today), I don't always come across as clear as I'd like to.

So, I've been sitting her pondering my abilities as a parent, if I'm really a wuss for not wanting to drive in the snow (but if you've been in the car accidents I have, you'd not want to drive in it either!), do I give Pook too many choices - or does it just come across that way sometimes, and the fact that I just want to live a simple life.

After allowing myself to feel a bit inadequate, I started to really think about my life, how I live it, and my parenting skills. I am a first time parent. I do not parent the way most people do, and that is a conscious choice that I've made. I parent in a way that I feel is best for me and my child, and compared my friend I talked to this morning - we parent WAY differently. She's also 20 years older than me. So, there's the generational differences, too.

I do not choose to chaufer my child out to 2 and 3 activities a day, 7 days a week. Her kids apparently love this. My child will choose to stay home and do artwork or school, instead of going out and about. This was something I wanted to do as a child, but never got the chance.

I would prefer to stay home and watch the snow, instead of freaking out about driving in it. And you know what? Pook is right up there next to me, watching out the window.

Could I be parenting better? Maybe. Hey, I'm the first to tell you that I know I'm overprotective, and I know that I don't parent like everyone else (does anyone really?). We choose to do things in a way that works best for us. That's just how we are.

And you know what? I love my life. I LOVE our home and the way we do things. When it comes down to it, we are happy. I'm really happy with the way I parent, and the fact that we choose to do one thing at a time. I like that I can let my 4.5 year old plan a birthday for her grandfather - because she wants to. I think that's why homeschooling will suit us as well, because if we want to stay home and watch the snow - we can, without having to worrying about having to be someplace.

We live a simple life compared to most. I've spent too much of my life caught up in the rushing around, wishing away my time. I choose to enjoy each moment, each now, each hug and kiss and snuggle. I am blessed to have a hubby with a government job, and I hope that he knows how much I adore him for it. I am aware, that things may not always be as they are now. So I make it a point to make the most of it.

I think what's been frustrating me the most, is because we are making our own way, there are many people who've been vocal or quietly voicing opposition to it. Sometimes, I want to create a T-Shirt or sign I can wear around my neck that says:

* Yes, I homeschool, and it really doesn't matter to me how you choose to school your sweet children.
* No, I'm not worried about the socialization of my child.
* Yes, I let my child plan and make guided decisions at the age of four.
* You bet I'm overproctective.
* Yes, I probably parent differently than you. And guess what - that's okay! I don't expect you to parent like me! :)

You know, I don't condemn people for sending kids to public school, or having their children involved in activities 7 days a week, or because they parent differently than me. Because you know what? There aren't set rules for parenting. In the end, you need to do what you think is best for your child. And maybe, just maybe, if we all started supporting each other as parents, instead of believing that there is only one way, the world would be a better place. Just saying...

So you know what? I'm off to make me some hot cocoa. And then, I'm going to bundle up and watch the snow flakes fall. And I'm going to think about how much I adore my husband, and give thanks that I have the choice to stay home and I don't have to feel guilty about it. I'm going to enjoy the day with my daughter, and have fun doing school with her, and even get some work done.

And, eventually, I'll be able to decide if we'll be going to school or not, without calling my hubby for a pep talk, and, who will tell me, "Honey, it's your choice." (I did mention I love him, yes?) And, too, I think I need to learn to start just saying no, without giving a reason and encouraging miscommunications. Besides, have you noticed if you don't give a reason, they can't argue with you? :)

I wish you all a wonderful day. May you be blessed to see and bask in the moments, because they are moments, and they won't last.

Last Day of November

Tomorrow, December starts. The last month of 2007. It's the time I start to reflect about the past year, as I put together the yearly holiday letter.

December is already filling up with visitors and visiting. At least two big birthday parties - 60 and 65. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with all the activities. This year, we've already decided not to do cookies. I'm not sure if I even want to do breads.

I do know, that things aren't going quite as planned, and in some cases, not exactly as I like, but I'm still enjoying the ride.

It's weird to look back over this past year. It seems to have flown by. In one month, winter will begin, Christmas will come and go, and another year begins...

On my end, I've finished a book. The class I've been working on will come to an end. As will 2007.

And with each cycle, my heart is filled with joy.

More Blessings

101 Grams eating on her own and being
102 mom and uncle able to support each other again
103 getting to see my family this week
104 birds eating at the feeder
105 November's chill
106 Facebook. I think. ;)
107 reconnecting with old friends
108 a good chat with a good friend
109 Cracker Barrel
110 sales at Cracker Barrel
111 cheeseburgers by hubby
112 tuna melts bu hubby
113 brocolli shrimp soup made by hubby. YUM!
114 oatmeal with raisins and nuts mixed in
115 hot chai tea
116 cinamon flavored honey
117 cloth table cloths
118 time with family
119 sun spots
120 pictures
121 candles
122 the urge to purge
123 yoga
124 the feeling when you take a deep breath
125 hot bubble baths
126 making soup
127 fresh baked bread
128 daring to take a chance
129 Cadfael
130 discovering the best times to get certain things done

Grams

My sweet Grams is in the hospital again. She's been there since Wednesday with a staph infection in her throat, UTI, thyroid issues, and a few other things on top of her altziemer's. She's also chosen to stop eating.

My mom and uncle decided against putting a stomach tube in to feed her. Grams requested DNR - do not rescuscitate, and if she was fully coherent, she would not want to be living like this. She's been talking to the window about how beautiful it is, and not knowing people.

They both felt she was giving up, as she's been suffering for a while. And, after this incident, she'll be going into a nursing home. And, if you'd ever met my grams when she was in full capacity of herself, she'd very clearly espress to you that she rather die than be in one of those hell holes - her words. Not to mention the hospice worker telling them that with her muscles and other functions atrophying due to altziemer's, she's probably not even digesting her food.

So, it was decided to let her be. And then one of the doctor's went to my uncle (not my mom who's the power of attorney and makes the decisions) and told him that it was a horrible way to die, and convinced him to change his mind.

So, now, not only does my family get to watch and cope with the continued suffering of Grams, but now, the brother is angry with the sister.

It's not a pretty situation.

I would ask, that y'all keep her and my family in your thoughts, as we make it through this challenging time. My mom and uncle should be supporting each other, because this has been hell for both of them. Now, they are fighting each other.

Blessings and gratitude amongst the clouds

61 Memories of Grams before she went into the hospital
62 understanding
63 quiet moments
64 Laurie's turkey meatloaf
65 pumpkin pie
66 upside down pear gingerbread cake
67 family
68 days on the farm
69 warm soups
70 walking the hill
71 good books
72 Scooby Doo
73 warm blankets
74 soft kisses
75 handmade quilts
76 friends who offer to pay for you when they have it to give
77 libary renewals
78 the way leaves look so vibrant amongst the dark clouds
79 fuzzy socks
80 pink fuzzy socks
81 smaller versions of pink fuzzy socks, that make my daughter happy
82 that today is the last 11 hour day my hubby had to work this week
83 caring friends
84 taking time to rest up
85 being able to identify when emotions are getting the better of me
86 the reiki group
87 kind strangers
88 embroidered pillow cases
89 painted benches and chairs
90 hand-me-downs
91 snuggles
92 warm, soft sweaters
93 the gift of a paid for spa day
94 soft robes
95 heated massage tables
96 warm tea
97 water
98 hot showers
100 forgiveness

A week of fullness and gratitude this has been...

I am so filled with gratitude this week! It has been a blessed week, a full week, a marvelous week. Dear friends, good food, and LOTS of laughter! What bliss!

It leaves my heart thankful for:

21 a week of dear friends!
22 curried quinoa
23 chats over tea
24 fresh eggs brought from the farm
25 Lin's hugs
26 smiles
27 tender songs sung in the backseat
28 two little girls laughing
29 colored leaves and wax paper
30 pumpkin seeds
31 the smile of a dear friend
32 aforementioned dear friend's totally cool fall apron
33 chatting with said dear friend
34 pumpkin muffins
35 apple cider
36 let's pretend
37 a gorgeous view from a bedroom window of a vibrant tree
38 sweet children
39 time to read at KM
40 the library
41 books sales at the library
42 warm quilts
43 hot tea
44 reiki
45 sweet kisses, just because I'm the mom
46 books on Thanksgiving
47 Scooby Doo (the new series)
48 the feeling of comraderie
49 feeling compassionate for others
50 being about to feel compassion
51 a night in the arms of my love
52 passion
53 a friend willing to pay for a spa day for me, and take me to lunch - just because
54 soothing music
55 early morning quiet
56 good food mixed with good friendship
57 yoga
58 deep breathing
59 snuggling
60 the desire and willingness to heal

Weekend of thanks...

11 Being married to such an amazing man.
12 Seeing a friend we haven't seen in a while.
13 Board games
14 Pomegrantes
15 Celestial Seasonings Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride Tea
16 Sunrises
17 Sunsets
18 Warm sun on a chilly day
19 Children's laughter
20 Watching birds at the bird feeder