Back from the pilgrimage

I have returned from over two wonderful weeks reconnecting with family and a freind I hadn't seen in years. Instead of trying to fit everything in, I made the choice to focus on family. So, dear friends in the area, I'm sorry I didn't get to visit this time around.

Usually when I return to MD, I rush around, sometimes going 3 and 4 places in a day. It's exhausting for me, and leaves Pook and Hubby cranky. Sometimes, our families will have big gatherings where we can invite family and friends - just to be able to see them - although I don't get to talk or spend much time with them. I used to stress out so much trying to just see people because I didn't want to loose the connection.

This time though, I needed to be with family. Both of my grandmothers are not in the best of health. I seem to be all too aware of mortality. I was able to spend a few hours on a Saturday with Grams. She didn't know me. She smiled, and was agreeable, but as I kissed her check, I could see her trying to figure out who I was. She was quiet most of the time, but then, when she saw her great grandchildren playing in the pool, she smiled and said, "I'm so glad I decided to come today."

The moments with her were short and bittersweet. Many times I held back the tears. She can barely walk now. She's lost weight, and she's very weak. I treasured that Saturday. I hold it close to my heart. I don't know when or if I'll get to see her again. And if I do see her again, I don't know what she'll be like, or if she'll let me kiss or hug her.

My other grandmother is doing well, though not as good as she was. At my cousin's wedding, she didn't look good. I took a day to visit with her, and she lit up getting to spend time with us and Pook.

All of my visits were enlightening and amazing. I got to visit with aunts and uncles I'd been so distant from. Before I chose to do this trip, I'd had past anger and pain. After this trip, it's gone. All of it is gone.

The only thing I feel is love and peace. I don't know how much longer these people will be in my life or on this planet, but I know that I don't want to waste time being angry when I have the opportunity to just enjoy them for who they are.

Pook was able to connect with family as well. It was a really amazing experience on so many levels that I'm not quite ready to put into words yet. Perhaps someday, I'll be able to share more. In the meantime, I'm just basking in the feelings of the heart.

Time to shift focus

After my last few posts, I needed to write about something else, something more uplifting. So today, I want to focus on the warm sun that embraces my bare arms through the living room window. In the other room, Pook is making a pumpkin pie for her Dora doll and pouring lemonade (not for real, for pretend). Now, she has come to the living room, singing. It's sweetness at its best.

We did yoga this morning. We've laughed. We hugged and "OM-ed" and "Namaste-d". This afternoon is her last Kindermusik class for the season. So for us, "summer" is beginning next week.

And in June, we will go on a healing pilgrimage of sorts. Spending time with family, focusing on the laughter and love. Supporting one another, reaching out, making the most of it.

With this shift, I sense a shift in our own home. There's been a shift in my heart, as I've consciously decided that I choose to celebrate life and the people in it, and stop being so hard on me because there are so many things I want to do, yet, in reality finding the time to do these things isn't the same.

So, I've been making choices. I've been prioritizing areas of my life I wasn't aware that I could. Family's taken a front burner for the time being, while we work on the healing and making memories together. Things like gardening, painting and the fence aren't as important to me as they once were.

I'm not sure what's happening, but I'm feeling peaceful. I feel as though I've come to terms with my life choices and have made peace with myself in a way. There's something about just knowing that some things out there aren't me, and I'm not as interested in as others. And knowing that it's okay.

And then, there's that recognition that I choose to live a slower paced life then most, so even though we don't have plans with other people one weekend, doesn't mean I need to feel guilty because I'm consciously choosing to stay home that weekend. In fact, I'm more appreciative that we can step back and keep our life at a slower and simpler pace then most.

So, I've just sort of been basking in the acceptance of myself. Which, has led me to the acceptance of others. Funny how that works. :)

I wish...

I wish I could wave a wand, and make it clear to you, that you will find love again. That you can find love in someone who is worthy of you, who won't lie to you, who won't steal from you, push you, hit you, cheat on you, or manipulate you and your gift for opening your heart and loving because you feel you have no choice but to love, or that you can't find that love with anyone else.

I wish I could show you how strong you are, that the loneliness you feel will pass, and that sometimes, when your life has been threatened, regardless of sharing a child with that person - the best thing is to walk away. You don't have to stop loving, but some things, regardless of the hope we have cannot be fixed. And some things end in death.

You used to dream of love that was true, of a beautiful wedding and vows that were taken seriously not just by you, but another. And twice now, you've been burned. What's to say that there won't be a third? What's to say that you can't find love again, with someone who treats you as you love others?

I am not in your shoes. I have not walked your path. I do not know your heart, and I know that I see things in a much different light then you do. I stay back - it's your life, your choice, and nothing I say will influence you otherwise. But then, I don't think you are looking for advice this time. You follow your heart.

I care for you. I trust that only you know what is best for you, but it bothers me that your choices could end your life or the life of your child, although you may not see it that way.

I pray for you, because I love you and I don't want you to become one of those statistics because you thought you were doing the right thing, and ending up abused - verbally, mentally, and physically. And because praying is all I can do for you right now.

I pray, that you can find peace. That you can find love for yourself, and step away from those who claim they love you, but whose love involves abuse.

I do not want to loose you or your child to someone who doesn't love with the openess, forgiveness and freedom that you do. You are a gift, such a gift.

I do not know the answers. I do not know your path. But I do know your heart, and I can only pray it will keep you safe.

How we feel here at the home front:

It's been quiet in the sense that we seem to have turned a bit inward. I suppose having time to think and just bask in quiet will do that. New schedules, preparations, and thoughts of mortality will do that I suppose.

In regards to the mortality, my grandmother's deterioration just seems to slowly get worse. Though there in body, she's not in mind. And so all you see and spend time with is the shell. In any case, it's forced me to face the fact that one never knows if the last time you see a person will be the last. I think about how I would like to spend that moment, if it were the last. What impression would I want to take away or leave?

I choose to bask in the blessings, to consciously choose to love and be love, to be grateful and speak of my appreciation. I do not want the drama or to be caught in a web. I offer my love, and I choose love, with the realization that not all are accepting of this love and that some may abuse my intentions. And in that case, I know that I need to let go, and let them be. And that's okay.

What does my heart speak? My heart speaks of love, appreciation, and gratitude. My intention is love, appreciation, and gratitude.

Checking in

I've been purposefully quiet on this end. Taking things in; doing lots of thinking.

Things have shifted here. It's amazing how new schedules can shift things up a bit. I think it's a good thing, but there's still that underlying feeling of chaos as things settle. And, as there will be more rearranging come June with traveling, I sort of feel as though I'm just holding on for the ride for a bit.

Instead of putting things "on hold" (or trying to), I'm like wheat in the breeze, going with the flow and basking in the sunshine.

It's a wonderful experience, one which, I'm finding a wee bit difficult to put into words actually. Who knows... perhaps it will result and blossom into something quite wonderful.

We shall see...

Freedom from Self-Improvement Day

I thought this was pretty cool. A freedom from self-improvement day. More information here for those interested (or just tired of trying to improve one's self:

http://www.freedomfromselfimprovement.com/

Revelations of one who's boxed herself in - yet again!

This week, da hub has been on a business trip. At first, I was really scared to be a single mom for a week, simply because I'd never done it before. And for those of you who read this, who are single moms... I have a whole new respect for you, and I've also realized the blessings you have.

For one thing, I never realized how I had limited myself to keep my schedule similar to hubs. Perhaps it was because I'd bought into the mindset of being home when he gets home to welcome him with a clean house and dinner. Which, mind you, doesn't always happen as I'd like. Thankfully, I've got a hubby who enjoys cooking! (Note, he never asked me to do this. He even wondered WHY I did this. Cause you see, I felt I wasn't doing enough at home and needed to make his life easier. I know - I'm so silly sometimes!)

And then, I started on this journey to discover who I am really, and what I really like. Oh, I've discovered such lovely things. I enjoy skirts! Especially fru-fru ones! I like to be outside - just not all day. I'm not a bug person. I love that I've a friend that I meet with once a week so that our kiddos can play together, and we can sit up a blanket on the grass and watch them chase butterflies.

And these last two days, I discovered that I don't have to mold my schedule to fit hubby's. For one thing, I do a lot during the day, and though I'm not paid for being a mom, it's still a job. Besides, he'd enjoy a few extra hours to himself during the week, and I'm going to start taking some time for me on the weekends (Did I mention this to you yet, darling? I am now...) so that I can recharge and be a better mom and wife.

I spent today out past my usual self-imposed curfew, and it was wonderful. I'm really enjoying my new-found independence, and also enjoying the fact that I can stay up late and create my own schedule. (Remember, I think in my own way, which isn't always as others think, and so realizing things like this, that others know, is big for me, though it might not be for you.)

So, this week, instead of dreading the situation, I've been embracing it, and enjoying it. It's been so freeing for me to do my own thing. And, who knows... I just may end up appreciating hubby even more so. :) Absence makes the heart grow fonder... and mine is definitely growing!