Being radical, well, for me

After our guests left this weekend, I succumbed to my urge to purge. Hubby and I took down most of the pictures in our house (save for the really difficult ones) leaving nothing but space on the walls.

At first, I think that he thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. And, I fully expected to go crazy by Tuesday and put them all back up, but something else happened. I started to like the space.

My basement has piles of pictures in it. And, following the pictures were various knickknacks. Things, I once thought I could never part with, are finding their way to the piles. I've even given him permission to place things on the pile, just to see if I'd actually miss them.

Even the piles bring me a sense of comfort. (And, those who know me are probably wondering what alien race has invaded my being - cause Otter can't usually stand piles!) But seeing them there, I smile. Seeing the walls void of pictures makes me smile.

Space. I'm loving the space. And I remember when I used to fear it. For some reason, no wall could go untouched. Something had to be hanging there. When I was into Feng Shui, the pictures had to fit. I put things I wasn't particularly fond of up on my walls because they fit the "rules".

But now, I'm wanted more space in my life. I'm only wanting things up on my walls and in my house that I enjoy looking out. How many things have I kept because they were Feng Shui appropriate? How many things have I kept because someone gave it to me, even though it wasn't really me? How many things have I kept out of guilt?

I am done with guilt. I am done with looking at things on my walls that don't make my heart sing or fill me with a sense of joy. I am creating more space. I am embracing the space that I was once so afraid of.

We are going to be welcoming a new babe into our lives at the end of August or beginning of September. At least, that's the ETA. With the amount of moving this babe's been doing, who knows? :)

Preparing for this babe means creating more space - both in the home and in my womb. We have a comfortable house that I love, and which we aren't willing to move from. So, we make space where we can and organize things to function smoothly.

This time (and maybe it's just because I'm nesting) there seems to be a shift. A new level to purging the clutter from our home. It's going beyond the stuff. As we purge our things, we are making room for the new. We are making room in our lives as well. Weekends seem to have more space to them. Even days seem to slow down. Where there was once "no time", we are finding and creating time for tender moments and ourselves.

As the spring flowers bloom and blossom, and the bulbs burst forth from the ground, so do we on many levels. Pook is blossoming, talking to people instead of hiding. My belly blossoms (and grows with life). Hubby is finding that he does have time here and there for things.

For once, I'm not concerned with what will happen, or what will be, or how we will handle things. Fact is that we will. Right now, is the now. I bask and bloom in the present moment. Embracing the moments of bliss and joy for what they are, and letting them go when it's time.

Peace. Bliss. Moments. Life.

Early morning Thursday Thoughts.

I sit here, looking outside, watching the darkness lighten as the sun makes it's way round the earth. Soon, the sun will rise. The birds eagerly sing to welcome the sun and to bask in the glory of Spring's sweet bounty.


I love this time of the morning. It's peaceful. It's my time. My one child sleeps, and even the babe in my belly is still this morning. I don't need to think. I can just be. And yet, thoughts of gratitude find their way in.

This past weekend was spent with dear friends. Good chats. Good food. Blissful little sunlight moments.


This morning, there is no sun up yet, but it's still one of those precious moments, those blessings. This has been an interesting week for me. Filled with tender surprises and productivity.

I indulge in the bliss.

A little bit of heaven via ice cream

OMG.

Let me repeat that - OMG!!!!

If you haven't tried this yet, you should:

http://www.haagen-dazs.com/reserve/

I'm particularly hooked on this one:

hawaiian lehua honey & sweet cream ice cream

and this one:

pomegranate & dark chocolate which apparently also comes in a bar

Sweet bliss!

Pook is 5 today

Today, my sweet angel turns 5. Five years ago at this time, I was in the hospital with my contractions having been going for about an hour. Two hours from now, I was in a tub, hubby behind me, holding our sweet babe in my arms and singing to "Sat nam" to her in a room so serene that one could hear a pin drop.

Five years later, I find myself five months along with my next babe in my growing belly. (Did I mention that 5 is also the numerology for my name and birthday? Hmmm...)

It's a surreal moment. My little baby is growing, asking questions, learning, reading, writing, getting a ton of phone calls, making her own decisions.

This amazing being is a little person now. My heart overflows with love and gratitude. A little more than four months, we shall be celebrating the birthday of another little babe.

Life is amazing.

Spring's Bounty

I have been awake since before dawn again, and it is lovely. In the darkness I usually sit and breathe, taking it all in. Hugging my sweet husband and sending him off to work with love. Then moving my body to make room for the new life within me. But this morning, I had company and it was sweet as we moved and breathed together to welcome the day.

Daffodils are blooming. The air has taken on a certain sweetness. I've had the windows open for the past few days, airing out the house, airing out my home, airing out my self.

The past few weeks have been challenging, speckled with pain filled moments, and many, many unexpected gifts and realizations. But like the tender breeze that caresses my hair bringing in the scent of sweetness and passing through, so has the pain.

Be gentle with yourself.

My friend's tender words have been my mantra as I've let myself mourn many things. At first I was terrified of the unknown that lies before me. And now, I embrace it. How sweet it is to not know where my life is going, who I am, or what gender the babe in my belly is. (Although, we've been told that they are pretty sure it is a girl.) Mind you, don't start buying the pink frilly stuff because they didn't get a clear picture like with Pook. Besides, we happen to love sage green and yellow, thank you very much. :)

It's been a journey of becoming aware of my ego, and choosing compassion for myself and others. And embracing the unknown. Oh how scary that was for a planner like me, but I know that through accepting it, it's not so scary. In fact, it's quite natural. And, it's a lot less limiting.

My home and life are slowly transitioning and transforming, and instead of clinging to bits and pieces here and there, I'm going with it, moving with the flow, and accepting things as they are (doing my best to anyway) as opposed to trying to make them into what I want or think they should be. It's definitely interesting.

Today the birthday celebrations for Pook begin. She will have two little parties (today and this weekend) with her friends, a celebration of life at Montessori next week, and we'll host visitors for the next two weekends. April is always a month of celebration it seems.

Attachments, Control, and trying to make sense of things

This morning has been challenging for me. I'm up, early, but my motivation is nil, and I find myself typing on this blog, perhaps trying to bring some sort of comfort to myself. As Tolle and Oprah would say, it's my ego. :)

And, maybe it is. But instead of denying, or running from these feelings, I'm just sort of allowing myself to feel them, instead of trying to control them. And, to be frank, they are not pleasant.

Lately, I have realized just how strongly I form attachments to things and how that is related to my desire to be in control. It seems lately, that every time I think I'm in control, the universe conspires to show me otherwise. Each time I think I've grasped some concept or belief that I think I'm sure of, good ol' universe steps in to show me otherwise. And then, there are those helpful suggestions telling me that I'm creating my reality, that on some subconscious or soul level, I've made the decision for things to go this way, and of course that all is happening as it should be.

Which, could well be the case. However, it's really not bringing me comfort, nor it is making me feel any better. Except for the "all is as it should be" part. That, I can take comfort in, although I'm not sure it I buy it completely.

To cope with feeling out of control, I seem to get this desire to get rid of everything. You know, go through and declutter the house. It's as though I want to simplify things as much as possible since the rest of my life is feeling rather chaotic. I haven't even been letting myself do that lately.

Last night, I wanted to throw it all away. I wanted to take down pictures, get rid of furniture, sell it all and live a minimalistic and monkish lifestyle. The thought of having another baby and making room for more stuff, seemed very stressful. (Remember, I am nesting right now on top of this... do you pity my sweet hubby yet?)

While working through the grief of my Grams and the mass amount of pregnancy hormones, which I feel is a large contributing factor as well as a few other things, my moods have been totally funky and I'm having trouble finding some sort of stabilization.

And really, right now, all I'd like is some stabilization, ensured life security, more than a few "good" days in a row, and to win the lotto or come into some large amount of money. ;) Perhaps, if I was creating my own reality, I could easily do this.

Right now, I'm taking things moment by moment, step by step, day by day. Some days are awesome, and I try to be fully present and enjoy them. I've also noticed a desire to hold on to these days. I don't want them to end, so I form an attachment to them. Then, when I have a day that's not so awesome, I tend to feel let down. If that makes sense.

Even though today isn't one of those awesome days, it's only 7 am. Things could change. I am realizing, that this grieving process is really taking me some places I never really wanted to go. I also realize, that maybe I need to go to these places, and become aware of these things.

How awesome would it be, to be able to enjoy the "good" and the "bad" days? How awesome would it be to just live my life without expectations or attachments?

I thought I had things all figured out. Really, I did. My life was set. I knew what I wanted to do, at least for the next few years, and that was that. And then, somewhere along the line, I realized that though I function as a mom and wife, I'm actually a person too, and I'm not sure what that means anymore.

So in some ways, I feel as though I've stepped out of the box I've planned for myself. (I've been very good at boxing myself in.) This provides me with a ton of freedom, possibilities and choices. (Yesterday, this was awesome. Today, it's rather overwhelming.) And, I'm a little scared of the not knowing, as freeing as I know it is.

The Challenge of Acceptance

Have you ever set your heart on something, only to end up with nothing or some end result that you didn't want? In some cases, it's easy to brush off. In others, especially if you are particularly attached, it can be heart breaking.

Lately, I've been thinking about many things. There are many inevitables out there. Sooner or later, we will die as will our loved ones. Flowers die. Animals die. Our bodies age (regardless of surgery to enhance appearance). There are certain things and foods that nurture our bodies, and certain things that make us ill. Some things, we can heal. Others, there are other factors involved. These things happen, so why is accepting them so hard for some?

There are people who encourage us to create our own realities, and that anything is possible. And, to some extent this is true. But does creating our own reality really mean creating what our ego wants, and is this a good thing?

The movie The Secret promotes that you can have anything you want. I used to think that this was a fabulous idea. I'd planned out just how my life was going to be. I listened to what I thought was my "intuition". I was visualizing it - and darn it - it was going to happen that way!

And then one day, things got derailed and didn't quite go as I'd hoped or expected. Suddenly, I was filled with doubt, anger, and frustration. How can this be? What about creating my own reality? What about mind over matter? What about ------????

What if I just accepted what was occurring, and dealt with it, instead of getting upset over things out of my control? What if, there was a bigger purpose that I wasn't aware of? And, does it matter if there was a purpose or not? Things happen.

Sometimes, life throws us a curve ball. It would be grand if everything could be created to fit the wants of the ego, but where would be the opportunities we hadn't thought of for ourselves? The chance to grow, the chance to accept what is happening - especially if we don't want it?

Lately, I've been considering what would happen if I started to be more accepting of things. I've been finding the conversations with Eckhart Tolle and Oprah particularly fitting into this.