Wishing everyone...

A very Merry Christmas, filled with comfort, joy, peace, and goodwill towards all!

the longest night of the year

Tomorrow is the solstice. I think that means tomorrow will be the longest night of the year. I'm not sure, but it's got me thinking. (What doesn't get me thinking, eh?)

I am one of those who enjoy the solstice. I enjoy the quiet dark of the lengthening night during the holiday season. Why? Because it encourages me to slow down amidst the consumer chaos. It's a time to turn inward and ponder. I also like that it happens in the autumn, so that during winter's chill, the daylight increases, warming the senses with the promise of spring.

This last year has not been as quiet or as peaceful as we'd have liked.

A while back, I'd asked what the holiday means to people, and a friend of mine told me that the holidays were what you made them. So true!

I find myself longing for a quiet holiday. Aside from this weekend, tomorrow we'll spend time with family. Christmas eve and Christmas day, we shall spend quietly with only my mom and a good friend.

I am longing for the quiet of winter nights, and a small holiday celebration. Actually, I'm just longing for quiet right now, but only because I haven't really had any.

You know the feeling that you've been running, and running, and running? Things just speed by without you paying attention. And then, I got sick. I'm still nursing the congestion, but at least my joints aren't aching and my skin isn't so sensitive.

That is what I've been feeling like for a while. And now, I'm ready to slow down again. I want to savor moments. I want to sit and watch the snow, without my thoughts drifting to class lessons, holiday To Do's and mailing out parcels. Curl up with a good book, lots of blankets, and playing in the snow.

I am full aware that the longing is because I've not been making these things a priority. I've somehow gotten caught up in the running around, and lost focus on what is in front of me. I've been scattering my energies, and the long night is rather symbolic of pulling myself back in, rediscovering what I want.

So, that's where I am this night before the longest night of the year. Welcome winter. Welcome reflection. Welcome peace.

A day on the couch (aka thoughts running rampid)

I should add the disclaimer, that my head's rather fuzzy. So, this may or may not make sense.

Well, this weekend I ended up with the lovely cold that Pook started with last week. I started with it yesterday. Today, I've got the fever part of it. So, I'm staying on the couch, with the game plan to read, rest, and relax.

Sitting here on this couch (I spent most of Sunday on it), has given me time to think about things. I made a huge bunch (small army) of fabric Christmas trees. Which I spent the weekend decorating (sewing buttons on) with the help of my awesome hubby and Pook's guidance. And, I came to a very valuable revelation after the 5th or 6th tree...

Why was I making them? Yes, they are cute. But what can you use them for? I'm using some to decorate our house and windows. Others went to teachers and others are going to grandmas, and some to friends. I've still got too many.

As I was sewing the buttons on, it hit me. Why am I doing this to myself? Yes, I enjoying making things and doing crafts, but I don't make them to sell. So, why was I doing this to myself? And how can I not do this again?

Well, the head is fuzzy, and, as much as I could blather on about things, I'm afraid it would become intelligible babble, which, would rather defeat the purpose, or, would it?

Yeah, it's time to lay down and rest the head for a bit.

It is done.

It's 11:27 am on the computer, and I've logged off of my morning session of work. It is a quiet snow day here. Daddy is doing computer stuff. Pook is quietly playing with her cars. And I, well, I've just completed a Creative Writing course that was almost two years in the writing/making. Due to time constraints and "writer's block" it took a while, but now, it is done.


I feel almost as though I've given birth. I've carried these ideas, this thought with me for so long. It's been growing, waiting, sometimes frustrating and stiffling, but it's out. It's there, in print. And now, it's waiting to be developed into a class so that others will partake of it.

I sit here, stilled. Quiet. There is a lightness on my shoulders. Part of me is estatic that it is completed. Another part of me will miss those extra hours of paid work. But then, there is that part of me that now wonders - what will I do now that I don't have this "hanging over my head incompleted"?

I don't know what I'll do. And, it doesn't matter. Perhaps I'll have a few more moments to crochet, or put together puzzles with Pook. There is a strange freedom for me, that I'm not sure what to do with just yet. It is the freedom of a completed project. The freedom of having more time.

Wow... I think some hot cocoa is in order to celebrate. Maybe, maybe I'll even bundle up and build a snowman. The possibilities are endless...

Snow day, being true to myself, and living a simple life

I wish I was enjoying this snowy day more than I am, and perhaps, I will by the end of this post, where, my intent is to just get my thoughts out there and get some clarity I suppose.

In case you didn't figure it out - it's snowing here today. It looks like it's now stopped, but for a while, it was really coming down.

You see, I don't like driving in the snow. I prefer to sit at home and enjoy it, and not go out in it unless I absolutely have to. So, after getting everything ready to go today, and, practically in the car, I chickened out, called off taking Pook into Montessori, and came back into the house.

Where, I called hubby for the umteenth time (as I'd been indecisive all morning), to tell him that, uh, we are now not going in. For real this time. And then, I called the friend who's children and in the class, and who is kind enough to let me work at her home until Montessori is out, to tell her.

And, this is where things left me feeling, well, inadequate. Instead of just telling her that I didn't want to drive in the snow, it came across to her that Pook didn't want to go, so I didn't go. (As I was on the phone with her, Pook was whining about getting her gloves off, and saying how she was glad to stay home. I was trying to help her while talking... and, well, if you're a parent, you know how that can go.) Now, there have been times that Pook doesn't want to go, but we've gone anyway. When I don't want to go, and she doesn't want to go, well, that's when we usually (but not always) stay home.

And then, the conversation came up about Saturday, where we've planned a small party for FIL, that we've let Pook help plan. And, instead of just telling her that the ILs didn't want to go, somehow, because she knew Pook was planning it, it turned into her telling me that our problem is that we let Pook decide too much.

*Sigh*

Miscommunications occured on both sides. Mind you, it was a 5 minute conversation, because she had to get her kiddos off to school, and clean off the car. And, part of me is really wondering if it's worth clarifying things, because she's busy planning for Hannukah this week, and their big party on Saturday, that we won't be going to, and which she really wants us to attend. She's also really, really stressed out.

And, I felt bad and didn't want to hurt her feelings, nor did I know if she'd be open to the fact that my ILs do not like going to parties with people they don't know. Now, I'm frustrated that I didn't just spit it out and tell it like it was. However, I've noticed, that when I've only got a 5 mintue time span to chat, and I'm caught offguard on a topic I wasn't expecting to chat about (like Saturday when I was just calling to say we weren't going in today), I don't always come across as clear as I'd like to.

So, I've been sitting her pondering my abilities as a parent, if I'm really a wuss for not wanting to drive in the snow (but if you've been in the car accidents I have, you'd not want to drive in it either!), do I give Pook too many choices - or does it just come across that way sometimes, and the fact that I just want to live a simple life.

After allowing myself to feel a bit inadequate, I started to really think about my life, how I live it, and my parenting skills. I am a first time parent. I do not parent the way most people do, and that is a conscious choice that I've made. I parent in a way that I feel is best for me and my child, and compared my friend I talked to this morning - we parent WAY differently. She's also 20 years older than me. So, there's the generational differences, too.

I do not choose to chaufer my child out to 2 and 3 activities a day, 7 days a week. Her kids apparently love this. My child will choose to stay home and do artwork or school, instead of going out and about. This was something I wanted to do as a child, but never got the chance.

I would prefer to stay home and watch the snow, instead of freaking out about driving in it. And you know what? Pook is right up there next to me, watching out the window.

Could I be parenting better? Maybe. Hey, I'm the first to tell you that I know I'm overprotective, and I know that I don't parent like everyone else (does anyone really?). We choose to do things in a way that works best for us. That's just how we are.

And you know what? I love my life. I LOVE our home and the way we do things. When it comes down to it, we are happy. I'm really happy with the way I parent, and the fact that we choose to do one thing at a time. I like that I can let my 4.5 year old plan a birthday for her grandfather - because she wants to. I think that's why homeschooling will suit us as well, because if we want to stay home and watch the snow - we can, without having to worrying about having to be someplace.

We live a simple life compared to most. I've spent too much of my life caught up in the rushing around, wishing away my time. I choose to enjoy each moment, each now, each hug and kiss and snuggle. I am blessed to have a hubby with a government job, and I hope that he knows how much I adore him for it. I am aware, that things may not always be as they are now. So I make it a point to make the most of it.

I think what's been frustrating me the most, is because we are making our own way, there are many people who've been vocal or quietly voicing opposition to it. Sometimes, I want to create a T-Shirt or sign I can wear around my neck that says:

* Yes, I homeschool, and it really doesn't matter to me how you choose to school your sweet children.
* No, I'm not worried about the socialization of my child.
* Yes, I let my child plan and make guided decisions at the age of four.
* You bet I'm overproctective.
* Yes, I probably parent differently than you. And guess what - that's okay! I don't expect you to parent like me! :)

You know, I don't condemn people for sending kids to public school, or having their children involved in activities 7 days a week, or because they parent differently than me. Because you know what? There aren't set rules for parenting. In the end, you need to do what you think is best for your child. And maybe, just maybe, if we all started supporting each other as parents, instead of believing that there is only one way, the world would be a better place. Just saying...

So you know what? I'm off to make me some hot cocoa. And then, I'm going to bundle up and watch the snow flakes fall. And I'm going to think about how much I adore my husband, and give thanks that I have the choice to stay home and I don't have to feel guilty about it. I'm going to enjoy the day with my daughter, and have fun doing school with her, and even get some work done.

And, eventually, I'll be able to decide if we'll be going to school or not, without calling my hubby for a pep talk, and, who will tell me, "Honey, it's your choice." (I did mention I love him, yes?) And, too, I think I need to learn to start just saying no, without giving a reason and encouraging miscommunications. Besides, have you noticed if you don't give a reason, they can't argue with you? :)

I wish you all a wonderful day. May you be blessed to see and bask in the moments, because they are moments, and they won't last.

Last Day of November

Tomorrow, December starts. The last month of 2007. It's the time I start to reflect about the past year, as I put together the yearly holiday letter.

December is already filling up with visitors and visiting. At least two big birthday parties - 60 and 65. Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed with all the activities. This year, we've already decided not to do cookies. I'm not sure if I even want to do breads.

I do know, that things aren't going quite as planned, and in some cases, not exactly as I like, but I'm still enjoying the ride.

It's weird to look back over this past year. It seems to have flown by. In one month, winter will begin, Christmas will come and go, and another year begins...

On my end, I've finished a book. The class I've been working on will come to an end. As will 2007.

And with each cycle, my heart is filled with joy.

More Blessings

101 Grams eating on her own and being
102 mom and uncle able to support each other again
103 getting to see my family this week
104 birds eating at the feeder
105 November's chill
106 Facebook. I think. ;)
107 reconnecting with old friends
108 a good chat with a good friend
109 Cracker Barrel
110 sales at Cracker Barrel
111 cheeseburgers by hubby
112 tuna melts bu hubby
113 brocolli shrimp soup made by hubby. YUM!
114 oatmeal with raisins and nuts mixed in
115 hot chai tea
116 cinamon flavored honey
117 cloth table cloths
118 time with family
119 sun spots
120 pictures
121 candles
122 the urge to purge
123 yoga
124 the feeling when you take a deep breath
125 hot bubble baths
126 making soup
127 fresh baked bread
128 daring to take a chance
129 Cadfael
130 discovering the best times to get certain things done